Welcoming 2007

Happy New Year. What does it all mean? Another new year, another new resolution to do better in 2007, to be more organized in the business, more dedicated artistically, to get into better shape. Or, is it just another day? We make so much out of these holidays, but we can really start over again at any time. We don't need to have a new year on the calendar to get off our butts and do something about the intense dissatisfaction we feel over this, that, or something or other. Sometimes we use this "new year" stuff as a way to push off what we should be doing now. "I'll quit smoking when the new year comes around." "I'll lose that ten pounds." "I'll..." you get the idea. Which reminds me-I have a newspaper article I'm supposed to have finished within a couple of days. Crap!!!!

Happy New Year

The New Year is almost upon us; soon we'll be trying to remember to write "2007" on checks and other such things and embarking upon a new year. I don't really have any resolutions, so to speak, but I do have some goals that I'd like to see come to fruition. With the baby in non napping taking mode I've had a lot of difficulty finding time to paint, and that's been a bad thing for me, especially since one of my goals is to get a portfolio together. Eventually I'd like to maybe get back into school for art therapy, and the first step toward making that distant dream a reality is getting some current work together. I haven't been getting to enough meetings and I can feel it. Today I was driving down the road actually thinking about drinking, and even though I don't want to drink, really, I don't like when my mind wanders into that territory. It's a definite indication to me that I need to do something differently. The real indication to me that something is amiss is that I don't feel like getting drunk or anything, I just feel a need to "take the edge off". That is more dangerous than wanting to drink to stupidity because it's easier to fool the mind into thinking it's okay to "take the edge off" than it is to convince oneself that it's fine to get torn up. Our new year's eve plans include attending a sober party at a friend's house who throws a new year's eve bash every year. I've been to it for like seven years straight, but it's a safe place to go and it's a good time. At least I know I'll be around other sober people, which is super important to me, especially during the holidays when I'm struggling with being away from most of my family. I hope ya'll have a great and safe New Year's Eve!!!!

Happy Holidays

Just wanted to give a Merry Christmas shout out to everyone, since I probably will not be blogging over the weekend. We will probably be having some sort of Christmas Eve dinner here at our house for all of the people we know who don't have anyplace else to go. We usually manage to find a few people to hang out with us!!! I'm not sure what I'm making, maybe a big vat of "Christmas pasta", which has all sorts of yummy meats and stuff in it. It's not really a conventional dinner but I can make a big pot of it easily and since we've done all of the holidays here of late I want to make something that will be uncomplicated. Have a happy!!!!

Blahhhhh

I'm just in a baaad mood today. The only thing that snapped me out of it for awhile was going out for lunch with my daughter. As soon as I got back home all the negativity returned, and I don't know how long it will stay. I just wanted to be a Mom today. I wanted to take Little One to the playground and run around with her and just watch her be happy. Instead I wound up with a whole pile of work to do which I hadn't expected and which pissed me off immensely. It shouldn't have, I guess. I know I should just be grateful that we're getting business. I am grateful; I guess I just overwhelm easily and today I wasn't in the mood for the storm of paperwork which I suddenly found myself drowning in. I feel like I'm not a good Mom when I'm not able to take enough time in my day to go to the park or to just spend some one on one with my daughter, and that causes me to feel this very uncomfortable, burning resentment. When I got home, the stuff I needed had been faxed over, but for some reason the girl faxed it to me in this tiny, practically unreadable format and I had to enlarge it, which took me a few tries since my printer was not cooperating. I guess the holidays are starting to get to me a little bit too. I miss my hometown, miss my family, am getting fed up with this place (again), and just found out a friend of mine is moving away-far away. This person had an immensely positive effect on my life and it's hard to say goodbye even though we don't talk much anymore (he's a former boyfriend and since we're both with other people now I guess it's kind of awkward). I have a lot to be grateful for and I'm trying to focus just on that stuff but sometimes my darker side takes over. Today is just one of those days. Tomorrow will probably be better....

Hanukka First Night

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah and I should NOT be sitting here on the computer. I have tons of cooking to do. The baby is taking her nap (she has a cold and naps are super important right now in order for her to get better) and N should be home soon. I'm making Hanukkah cookies, latkes, Russian vegetable soup and a roast (which needs to cook for three hours-ahem!!!). The Hanukkah dinner at the temple was sold out. I guess I waited too long to buy the tickets, as usual. In my own defense I didn't actually know about the dinner until a few days ago. It's been grey and rainy here for the past couple of days, but I don't mind. Once in awhile I like days like this. Florida enjoys so many days of sunshine that I believe a dark day now and again is good for the soul. I guess that, being Irish, my heart can't take too many opressively hot, sunshiny days. My soul needs to be re-greened by the rain. For all of you celebrating Hanukkah tonight, have a happy. For everyone else, have a great night also!!! Now I must go and starting cooking, or we won't be eating dinner until midnight!!!

A Week of 12 (Stepping)

A good friend has been sleeping on our couch for the past week or so, trying to get back on his feet. It's been a good week, since he's been gone for awhile, out ripping and running, and it's good to see him back around, trying to stay on the right path. Who knows how things will go; it's all one day at a time, for sure, but I hope he can keep the clean gig going. It hurts to have lost so many to the disease of addiction and I pray not to lose another. I've known him for a long, long time and wish happiness and peace for him. He's going to a sober house tomorrow and I hope they allow him to stay; he's already tried one but they wouldn't take him because he has a job towing and usually towing jobs require some night hours. In the end, it's going to be about what he's willing to do to stay clean and sober. When his girl gets out of jail in four weeks I hope that she too will want to stay clean and sober. Right now she's all about recovery, but time will tell if that's what is really in her heart or if it's just jailhouse talk. At any rate, I feel very grateful for all of the blessings currently lending their sparkle to my own life. Hanukkah is approaching and we're getting ready for that, as well as Christmas (for my husband). I'm grateful to have a little family to share the holidays with and to have been able to buy some nice gifts for Little R, and to have been able to join in the Toys for Tots run on Sunday to give to some other little girl/boy who might not have so much. Plus, getting on the bike again after so much time away from it (good babysitters are difficult to come by-I don't trust too many people with my daughter) was a blast!

Tired of the War

I'm tired of hearing all the bs about why we need to still be in Iraq. I support our troops but I want them back home. George Bush refuses to budge in his stance that our country needs to stay in Iraq until a new democratic government has been established. Meanwhile, people keep dying, our men and women keep dying, and the President admitted in a television interview that this war might be similar to Vietnam. Everyone seems to be afraid to admit that they don't agree with current policy with regard to the conflict and speaking out often creates a situation where the speaker outer is publicy castigated for voicing what everyone with half a brain knows is true. My brother is a Marine. Once again, I will say that I support our troups. That does not mean that I feel this war should be continueing. We need to finish what we can and get out of there. That's just my opinion.

Plastic Surgery and Plastic Geese???

When we first moved into our new place I was excited by the sight of three ducks floating around in the pond outside (others here call it a lake, but I know better). They reminded me of living up north; we always had lots of geese at the park we visited when I was a little one. I was disappointed to discover that they are fake, markers used to keep track of some sort of plumbing needed to run the fountain in the middle of the "wildlife sanctuary". Eee gads. It's bad enough that more than half of the women living in this state (or, at least, the southern part of this state) have breast implants, that much of radio advertising is for plastic surgery centers and a large part of the population is more concerned with buying an expensive, flashy car than with the state of war we're currently under. I guess fake geese are more attractive than floating balls or something like that. I did see some seagulls and crows outside this morning. Pretty sure they were real....

Happy Pre-Turkey Day

I am currently in the middle of making sweet potatoes for a party we're going to at a friend's house tonight. She is have 26 or so people over; among the guests is my ex boyfriend, his new girlfriend and their new baby. It might be a little bit weird but I hope it isn't awkward. The hard feelings are well gone by now, and I love my life so much that I'm actually grateful, in a way, that the new babe helped to end a relationship that really wasn't traveling to anyplace good anyway. I took the bubelah to the playground earlier and she is sleeping soundly, which is good because if she doesn't take a nap the party tonight (which starts at the late hour of 8:30pm) won't be much fun for us or anyone in our immediate vicinity. My computer is annoying the hell out of me. Why is it that when I have only a few minutes to blog (which is pretty much every time I sit down at the computer) I have some computer issue (it's too slow, it's not downloading a picture I want to use, etc. etc.)??? That said, I will not be uploading the picture of cartoon turkey I'd planned on sharing with you. Oy. I hope you all have a wonderful turkey day, although I do feel very badly for all the turkeys out there, real and otherwise.

Sometimes I pine for home...

I didn't take this picture, but it looks very much like where I grew up. Now, living in Florida, I yearn for places like this. I live here in perpetual sprawl, where nothing is quite city or quite suburbs or quite country. I have to drive a long way to get out of the atmosphere we live in, and even then I wouldn't come across beautiful rolling hills like these unless I actually left the state. So funny that sometimes we leave home searching and return there to find exactly what it was we were looking for. Problem is, I can't just go back there now, because I have a whole life set up here. I have a great life, no complaints about that. It's just that my heart sometimes yearns for places like in this picture and it hurts so badly I feel the pain physically, like a blade in the side. Also, in my travels I've found that no matter how beautiful the place, no matter how nice the weather, no matter what new and groovy things there are to do, I still miss my family. I've never found people on whom I can depend as I can depend upon them. And, on a recent trip back home I discovered that my sister in law is like a twin separated from me at birth. We are so much alike it's eerie, although not surprising, since the brother she is married to is like the other half of my soul. Not being close to him in proximity is like having a part of my soul in another part of the country. It's not like I live in a horrible place, but I have a sense of disconnection all the time that I've never been able to quite shake. I have to constantly look at the good side of things and focus on my blessings always, and keep close to my Irish heritage, where I feel my roots. When I don't know what else I am, I know that I'm Irish. I know that I come from strong, courageous people who came to this country not knowing what they were getting into, filled with sorrow for having to leave a home they would most likely never see again. If they could do that, then I can survive another day in Florida!!!
I took this from Victorious Spirit's weblog. It's very cool. Check out her Johari window (I think you have to get it from her blog) and mine here: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Starfairie and make your own as well!!!!
Slàinte!!!
ps-If Blogger had actually uploaded my picture you would have seen a beautiful scene of rollings hills, autumn trees and New England homes. Blogger is NOT being friendly to me tonight.

Sighs of Determination

I'm a little bit tired today, but determined to live my life with more organization from today forward because I can't seem to get anything accomplished otherwise. My art, homelife and peace of mind have been suffering for the chaos in which I've been reveling and it has to stop. There is so much I want to accomplish outside of being a great Mom and a great partner to my husband; those things are infinitely important, but I didn't cease to be when I married and became a Mom. Lately I feel I've been resigning myself to the fact that I simply don't have time for my creativity and I've realized that, for an artist, the end of creativity is the end of the self. I've been going completely out of my mind with the pain of stifled energy. Little R is safely tucked into bed for her nap, the house is quiet, and I feel it's a good time to put on some Irish music and get to work cleaning up the rest of the mess that is our newly moved home. Once I get that done my free time will be available for artistic pursuits, and I can begin to feel a bit more like me again. I think I'm experiencing what lots of moms feel; I feel like there are so many demands on my time and so little time left over for doing the other things that I enjoy doing. Our lives are short, and they are the culmination of all of our experiences. It's up to me how I live my life and up to me to make me happy and to pursue my dreams. And, today's the day!!!! (By the way, the "Today's the Day" slogan was penned by Mel Fisher, not Monster.com, regardless of whether or not they trademarked it!!!!!)

Post Halloween

Well, Halloween is over and we've finally managed to get everything moved over to our new house!!!! Hooray!!!! I haven't been online in awhile because it took a few days to get back up and running again. Thankfully it didn't take very long because I feel disconnected when I can't blog, email friends, etc. Plus, I use the internet for work. Little R was not impressed with Halloween. It was about 85 degrees here and humid last night; too hot for her lion costume although she did look adorable. She seemed very unimpressed with the various princesses, skeleton men and gouls we passed during our foray around the new neighborhood, and we decided against going to my girl friend's neighborhood because it didn't seem like it would be much fun for her. She reported having a huge crowd over there, but I think it might have just been overwhelming for our little one. So, we came back here and handed out some candy and ate dinner (our first home cooked meal at the new house) and called it a night!!! We still have some candy left, in addition to the candy Little R collected, and there is enough of it that she's too young to eat to make the situation here dangerous. It seems that I'm a chocoholic, among other things, and will have to exercise much restraint until all the yummies are gone!

SO TIRED!!!!! Yeah, I know. Stop Bitchin'.....

I spent some more time working on the new house today. I cleaned up the kitchen (yay!!) and painted the kitchen table a beautiful shade of lapis lazuli to go with the purplish blue that I'm going to paint the kitchen walls. I used spray paint to the cover the base of the table, since it's metal and I had a lot of area to cover and I didn't notice until a friend pointed it out later that I got some of it in my hair. It's not very dark, but I have a fine mist of blue covering some of the strands around my face. It almost looks intentional, so I don't mind it so much. Pink would've been cooler, but pink would not have looked good in our kitchen. It will probably fade out; I'll wash my hair tomorrow and see how it goes. I'm wiped out tired right now. I had dinner with the family and a friend of ours at my favorite Irish restaurant and we were blessed with live Irish music. The fiddle player and the singer both were amazing. I love that kind of music; it speaks to something deep within my soul. It feels like something my spirit remembers from long ago.

Yay, we found a place!!!

We found a place; a really nice place!!!! We were bumming out because we'd turned down a killer condo on the beach due to some logistical problems, but I'm convinced that God is in charge and that He had this place in mind for us instead. We ended up renting a townhome in a nice community with a playground and a swimming pool. It's close to where we live now and close to the highway and it was within our price range. Phew!!!! Now at least when we're packing we'll know where we're moving the boxes to. We picked up some paint yesterday and I'm going to start painting some of the walls; I am so tired of living in white rooms. Some color please!!!! We had lunch yesterday with another couple who is searching for a new place and she offered to help me do some painting. The place is kind of dirty; really dirty, actually. The guy who lived there before us wasn't the cleanest of dudes, but the owner is letting us start moving and painting now so I don't mind doing the cleaning. It gives us time to move and to get the place more or less set up the way we want it to be. The other cool thing is that the place is a three bedroom, which means we'll have an office/studio space. This is important since the kitten has been eyeballing my canvas (just the one I'm working on, of course) and I need to have a room on which I can shut the door to keep out intruders! I'm very happy and relieved today!

It's my baby's birthday today. The big 2!!! Hard to believe that two years ago today we were in the hospital and she was brand new!!!!! We're just having a little soiree for her tonight, a few friends and some cake and ice cream. We'll tip back some strong coffee and do the gift thing. Well, little R will be tipping back some milk; we'll be enjoying the coffee....Have a great almost weekend day y'all!!!

Blah blah blah

Some days you gotta have attitude. Today, I feel pretty good. I met a girl friend of mine at the park with her kids and they and Little R played and ate lunch while she and I talked and hung out and played with them. It's nice to have another Mom around to talk with once in awhile. Yesterday I took Little One to a Mommy event at a book store which turned out to be miles and miles away from where we live, but it was worth the drive because when we got there she was excited to see the other kids. Focusing on her takes my mind away from all of the awful stuff going on in places near and far (and there always seems to be something awful going on, doesn't there?) and keeps me solidly grounded in the moment, which is where I need to be if I want to stay sane. The recent holidays made me think a lot about my Dad, but in a good way. I didn't focus so much on the sadness of missing him but rather on the happiness of all he gave me just by being my Dad. I actually feel very positive; the new year has made me feel like I can make the changes I've been wanting to make; somehow I feel a renewed energy to initiate positive action. I liked this picture because, hey, deep down inside I'm still a biker baby. I don't get to ride too much anymore, but once in awhile I still get the chance to feel the wind in my hair. I've been on motorcycles since I could walk (my Dad used to set me on the tank of his bike and tool around the block with me-this was before the days when people would freak out if they saw you do something like that, the days when I used ride to the store sitting on the middle console of my father's '65 Cutlass Olds). I think biking gets into the blood. You don't magically transform into a biker just because you've donned a black t shirt and a cool pair of jeans; you don't become a biker just because you've purchased a motorcycle, Harley Davidson or otherwise. My former boy friend was part of an mc down here, and one of the guys in his club once asked me how I could make his girlfriend feel as relaxed on a motorcycle as I was. She was terrified and not enjoying the whole riding experience very much. I laughed and told him it was just a part of who I was, just the way it had always been, and that I never "learned" how to love riding, so I couldn't teach someone else how to love it. Besides, how do you explain the joy of getting bugs in your teeth to a girl who's afraid to mess up her hair???

Happy House Hunting

It's Friday again, and far from worrying about what other people think about me, I'm now concerned with not having a new place to live yet and our lease being up at the end of October, which will be here in a few days. I looked at a nice apartment yesterday only to find out today that someone rented it after I left. That's how it is down here. There are too many apartments being converted into condos and too many people who need apartments. Good places need to be snatched up right away, but I need N to come with me to look before we decide to rent a place, and lately that has been an adventure in frustration. He's very busy with work (good) and doesn't have much time free to come with me to apartment shop (bad). Hopefully this weekend we can find something; I'm too high strung to be waiting until the last minute to do this type of thing. I envy those people who own houses and don't have to think about moving anymore!!! **Sigh** I know that we'll find something; it's all about persistance. Getting discouraged now is a bad idea. There's a place for us out there.

Sexy Mamas

With all of the sad and frightening things going on in the world today, you would think my mind should be occupied with thinking of things other than sheer vanity. Alas, today what was bothering my noggin was the simple fact that I no longer feel like I have the vavoom I used to have. It sounds so trite and silly, but part of the reason it's bothering me so much is that in my mind I wonder if my husband thinks I still have that little somethin' somethin' I used to have. It's not an issue of weight; my body is pretty much back to what it was pre-baby, and I'm constantly working on keeping it that way. Maybe it's a matter of attitude. Maybe I "feel" too mommy and wife-ish to feel sexy??? No, that's not it, because I think that being a Mom and a wife can be incredibly sexy things. Maybe it's because I live in South Florida, surrounded by plastic surgery mavens and extremely sexy Spanish women. I'm an all-natural, Irish/Jewish girl-fair skin, red hair, green eyes; far from sporting that dark, exotic look carried by so many of my counterparts here in the sunshine state. I don't even like wearing a tan; it makes me feel like a baked chicken. Maybe I need a style makeover, but more than likely it's something in my head that needs to change. I've never been one to follow the crowd as far as what's in fashion. I was an artist at a very young age, wearing funky looking denim sneakers when I was little because I thought they looked cool even though no one else was sporting them, mixing stilletos with different colored Converse high tops throughout high school, dyeing my hair platinum and painting it with pink streaks. Don't get me wrong, I've been known to wear the latest in hip huggers and camisole tops, but I won't wear them unless they look right for me. I never wear anything just because it's all the rage in Vogue magazine or being flaunted on some far away cat walk. In college I went through a Dead Head phase where I wore lots of tie dyed clothing and long hippie skirts. That is probably the closest I've ever come to following a crowd, but, even then, I was in that mode of being because I loved the crowd I was running with and I loved the music. It was more a state of mind than a state of fashion. At that stage of my life I cared very little for fashion and very much for being an idealist. I was just starting to realize that there was more to being a tree hugger than just hugging trees-that my outward actions were what would make my inward convictions actually create positive change. I think that, back then, my outward appearance was a way of rejecting mainstream society for all of it's ills and trying to attract people who were more like me into my life. Maybe what I need to do is stop comparing myself to other women. Yeah, I'm not 20 years old anymore; I'm okay with that. The thing that feels so strange is having stumbled upon that fact so quickly. Somehow, before I carried the responsibility of being a Mom I didn't really feel like my actual age. Now, suddenly, almost overnight it seems, I really feel like an adult, and it' s a little bit scary. It's not bad, but it's different. My artistic soul sometimes has difficulty reconciling the free spirit within with the adult who has to care for a family. WOW. I love my life, though. So so so so much do I love my life. I've never been happier with my family life or with my spiritual life. For the first time I feel like I'm really in touch with who I am on a spiritual level. I think I know what my personal legend is and I'm trying to follow that inner knowledge of who I am to take the right steps and live my life in a way that is compatable with who I am and who I want to be. Being a Mom and a wife and an artist are wonderful, rewarding roles. So, maybe my focus is just a little off. The joy within should contribute to the beauty without, right?

No News is Good News...

I turned on the news this afternoon to be barraged with nothing but sad and otherwise bad news. The top headline was that the body of a newborn boy was found in a canal here in South Florida, complete with umbilical cord and placenta. I will never, as a Mom, understand how someone could just throw away her child. I understand that sometimes women get frightened about the prospect of being a parent; the idea of being responsible for another human being can be overwhelming and quite scary. There are options to leaving a baby someplace to die alone, however. Here in Florida a woman can leave a new baby at a firehouse and at any hospital with no questions asked. Then at least someone else will have a chance to raise the child and to know the joys of being a parent, and the child will have an opportunity to have a life. This story bothered me more than any of the others I saw this evening, because of the sheer tragedy of an innocent little baby being thrown into a canal and left to die. Following this story was a plug about contaminated bagged spinach (apparently someone working at a produce factory someplace forgot to wash their hands after they used the toilet???), which was disturbing considering my husband and I just ate bagged spinach last night. It was organic, so I don't know if we still fall into the cone of risk. So far, so good. Neither of us is experiencing nausea or exploding diarreah. Right after that story came a follow up to inquiries into the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son, Daniel. Imagine waking up in your hospital room, flushed with the joy of recently having given birth to a new baby, and having that joy turned to horror when you realize that your oldest child has passed away just a few feet from your bed. Follow that story up with the disappearance of Trenton Duckett and the suicide of his mother. I pray that this beautiful little boy is found alive, but the circumstances around this story seem a bit suspicious. The only good news was that Clay Aiken has given up his creepy look in favor of a more Beatle-esque style. Oh goody.

9/11/2006

While I was aware today of it being "9/11", I avoided watching any of the many programs about the horror of this day five years back. My only review of the attacks came from a slide show sent to me by a friend. The truth is that I want to move forward. I don't want to forget; indeed, how could any of us forget what happened that day. But, it makes me sad all over again to wallow in the details of the attacks, to look at the pictures, to read/hear about how the attacks were planned out. So many people's lives were effected by this event and I think the way we all look at the world changed after 9/11. No more do we feel immune to terrorism in our country; no more do we take it for granted that our airplines won't be hijacked or worse; maybe we love our friends a bit more deeply and cherish our families all the more because we're painfully aware of the fragility of life and of how quickly our lives can be altered or cut short. I choose not to live in fear, however, but in awareness. Moving forward means we win; it means that our spirits can't be defeated. I think that's the best way to honor those who died that day.

Funny Friday

Okay, AT, I'll bite:

Cruel :: Heart
Jive :: Talkin'
Weak :: Kneed
Understand :: Me
Bum :: Rush
Stairs :: Goals
Tone :: Hue
Quickly :: Smile
Moment :: New York
Beating :: Chicken
Wiggle :: In
Face :: Time
Adjustable :: Bed
Room :: Mate
Easy :: Sunday
Store :: Room
Maid :: Den
9 pm :: Already
Challenge :: Taken
Debt :: Nightmares

Will the Real Anina Please Stand Up

Here she is, my new adoptee. She goes to the vet tomorrow for her first visit. Hopefully she doesn't have worms or anything wrong with her, but tomorrow we'll find out. She seems to be happy in her new home, although the litter box isn't impressing her too much. This afternoon I found three little piles of poop around our bedroom. Unfortunately, my daughter found one of them before I did and had it all over her leg. Gross!!!! Of course, I freaked because I don't know if the cat has worms yet, so into the bath with the baby. This gave N another reason to dislike the kitten which is a bummer because I'm trying to convince him that she's a great addition to the family. Work with me, will ya Anina????

Anina

The Hebrew name Anina means "answer to a prayer" and that's the name of my new kitten. She was dropped off at my apartment yesterday morning by a girl friend who found her shaking and terrified on the engine of her car. Small wonder it is that she wasn't killed; her soft meowing saved her life. Anyway, knowing that I am a sucker for animals she brought little Anina to my house yesterday, which pretty much helped me decide that the condo N and I were thinking of renting was not for us. Beautiful though the condo is, they don't allow motorcyles, nor do they allow private washers/dryers, which for me is a necessity (although I was willing to give that much up for the killer, brand new kitchen that came with the condo) and the place doesn't have a bathtub, which I need for the babe. N was not happy about the motorcycle deal; he would've had to have parked the bike at a friend's house and it would've been a drag to have to retrieve it every time he wanted to riding. I'm not sure the "condo commando" atmosphere would be suitable for either of us; we both tend to balk at people telling us what to do, especially when they are telling us to do stupid things like not park a work truck outside the building. Just where the hell are you supposed to park your work truck, which makes you the money to live in the building in the first place? Oh the phoof of some poeple. Anyway, the kitten was an answer to my prayer that morning when I asked God to show us some sort of sign if he didn't think it would be best to move into that place. It was so gorgeous, spacious and inviting that I personally could not make the decision to say no on my own. God knows that I'm a little dense when it comes to "signs" and so He had to work fast. Had the sign been something other than a living, breathing being who is now depending upon me for her well being I might have decided to manipulate it into a sign that told us to take the place and throw caution to the wind. This picture isn't of our kitten, but she looks very much like this. I have taken a couple of digital shots but neither one does justice to her cuteness, and besides that I don't have time right now to schlep out the camera and download the pictures to my computer. Life of a Mom, don't ya know.

Thursday Night

I'm not sure why I'm blogging tonight. I don't really have anything witty to say. I probably don't even have much of anything of great interest to say. Still, here I am at my computer again. What I do feel tonight is grateful. For the past couple of weeks I've been sliding in and out of some sort of melancholy, mostly due to the overwhelmedness I've been feeling in over all of the things coming at me in my life. We need to move, business has been crazy, I don't have much time for myself and that makes it hard to cram in time for my artwork (although I've been getting better at it), we keep going through this, "We should buy a house; we can't afford to buy a house here; we should move away; moving away is scary because what if we can't be successful with the business if we move away; we should rent a house; renting a house will mean we'll be dumping too much money into rent that we should be saving to buy a house...." Yada yada yada. I'm frustrated with it all right now. Some days I miss the times when life was simpler. Of course, back then I wanted everything I have right now; right now I want everything I have right now. I just want us to be able to figure out exactly what the hell it is we want to do. I've been really drawn into the field of art therapy. I think it's what I want to do with my life after my little one starts school and I'm looking into what I will need to do to make that happen. I mentioned it to N and he mentioned being a teacher again. I don't want to be a teacher. Schools are too scary nowadays. Well, now I can't blog either because little one is screaming. See ya'll later.

Much Adieu About Nothing

Thankfully, Ernesto fizzled out before it reached the coast of Florida. All we got here was some rain and a little wind; it was a grey and rainy day today also. We now have a great supply of bottled water and I have to put the plants and furniture back out onto the balcony. I'm grateful that we didn't lose our power or suffer any damage to our vehicles or, more importantly, to ourselves. I'm hoping that the remainder of the hurricane season will be uneventful. N and I spent some time today looking for a place to rent. We checked out a cute little house in a nice neighborhood, but a walkthrough showed it to be too small for us. Also, it didn't have a yard and I would like to rent a house with a yard for Little R. Otherwise, I'd rather rent in another apartment complex, where we'll have a swimming pool and a gym like we have here. Anyway, I'm super tired today from being stressed out yesterday, so I'll check back later...

Tropical Storm Ernesto

So, here we go again. This is the third year in a row in Florida that we've been plagued by hurricanes. As I sit at my computer Ernesto is unleashing his fury over Cuba, whose mountains have calmed him a bit but probably only temporarily. It's predicted that once the storm moves out over the warm ocean again it's strength will increase and by the time it arrives on the mainland of Florida it could be a category one or two hurricane. Only time will tell what fun we'll be in for here in the sunshine state. I have already visited my local Publix to stock up on water, bread, and other supplies, but the lines at the gas station were too daunting for me to brave. Plus, I believe I would have run out of gasoline before I arrived at the pump to buy more. The lines at every station I passed were down the street; with a car full of groceries and a hungry and fussy almost two year old in the back seat I wasn't willing to wait for my fill of petrol. I'm frustrated to be going through this mess again; last year we lost power twice due to the storms, once for two weeks (and we were lucky; some were without power for a full month or more) and it was no fun. Where we live, all that's necessary to knock our power out is a strong wind. Since I'm not that hip on living in this state to begin with, having yet another hurricane only makes me want to take off for my western heaven even more. If it was possible, I have no doubt that I would pack up everything we own and leave for Colorado next week. Maybe G-d will bless us with that possibility at some point. For now, I'm a sitting duck waiting with the other sitting ducks for the storm to arrive. The news just said that probably the storm will reach us as a tropical storm rather than as a hurricane. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Monday Monday

Okay, AndyT13 had this on his blog so I'll bite. I don't have anything much to say tonight so here goes.

2 moments in your life you’d like to erase

1.Standing in the cemetary staring in disbelief at my father's coffin in the ground.
2.The night of his accident; okay, so I wasn't there, but it still effected my life hugely, as well as the lives of everyone around me, so it counts as a moment in my life.

4 moments I like to relive

1.The first time I set eyes on my newborn daughter
2.The most special intimate times with the loves of my life (tho' I'm married now, so that wouldn't be right)
3.The first time I saw the view from the top of a mountain
4.My first trip to Rocky Mountain National Park (heaven on earth!)

2 places you wouldn’t want to go again

1.My old High School during the 80's
2.To one of the most heartbreaking times of my life back in 2003, when I broke up with the guy I'd thought was "the one".

4 places you can’t wait to visit/visit again

1.Colorado
2.Ireland
3.Back home (Massachusetts)
4.Israel (yeah, I know that right about now that's fairly crazy)

2 foods you can’t stand

1.Pulled pork sandwiches
2.Meat if it isn't cooked right (ie, dried out, overcooked steak)

4 foods you love

1.Pizza
2.sushi
3.ice cream
4.Big gooey cheeseburgers with fries

2 current songs that make you change the station

I can't think of anything, but I'm not a big fan of top 40 or a lot of what they play on the dance/rock stations here in Florida. I search out what I like in record stores and play what I want on my cd player.

4 current songs you play over and over

1. Marvin Gaye: Let's Get It On
2. Anything by U2
3.Black 47 (pretty much everything they do is cool)
4.Any of the many Irish music cds currently in my possession
(so, I know that none of this is current, so to speak, but it's what I like)

2 books you’d never finish/read again

I can't think of any titles although I know that I've dumped quite a few books after reading a couple of chapters and flipping ahead to realize they were never, in a million years, going to hold my interest. The thing is, if the book didn't captivate me enough to keep reading, why would I remember the title?

4 books you have read more than once

1. "Toward a Meaningful Life"
2."Rebel Hearts" (about the IRA and the troubles in Ireland)
3."Whoredom in Kimmage" (about the travels of an Irish American woman in Ireland)
4.the Torah

Current mood: Content and sleepy

Yahoo!!!

Finally, finally, finally, I woke up yesterday morning and the depression had been lifted. Just like someone had pulled a veil off my head, suddenly I could see the world in all of it's brilliance again. And I mean that seriously and sarcastically. Once I'm out of the black hole I can really focus on what got me there in the first place and work on whatever issue is getting to me. I started reading a new book yesterday, one that I purchased recently, called "Jewish with Feeling" , and so far it's been really great. It's about understanding our spiritual path apart from the dogma and the rituals that might not be working for us. Even though at the moment I'm not really having a problem with either of those things I definitely believe that religion is just a pathway to our spiritual center and a pathway to our connection with God, and this book so far is awesome (and I've only read 16 pages). Some amazing things have also happened which support the direction I want to take in my life, although I have no idea how that direction will be manifested. I only know that life is a series of steps. Sometimes we just have to keep walking and doing the right things. Over the past couple of years I've had life take some twists and dips that I never saw coming and never could have anticipated, but they lead me to wonderful places. That's all for tonight. I'm off to have dinner at the beach with my family. Peace y'all.

Friday...

An unoriginal title, I know, but I'm still too depressed to think of anything creative. I don't know what's wrong with me; I feel like a whiny beeatch. Pretty soon I'll be tired even of myself. I know this will pass, but when I have no idea. But these sort of moods always pass, and then I'll have an upswing of emotion. I'm going to go to synagogue tonight, if this health insurance guy N scheduled to come over is gone by then. He's coming at 6:30; almost the worst possible time on the worst possible day. The problem with interfaith relationships is that it's hard to have any real feeling of the religion you want to bring your kid up with unless the other person is into it. If they aren't, then you end up feeling like you're forcing it on your spouse, so you end up trying to back off, and pretty soon you aren't into it anymore either because you've gotten so far away from it, and then you resent that. It's a no win situation and I've never been able to figure out the answer to it. I guess I'll wing it tonight. I'll light my candles after the guy leaves but I doubt we'll be able to have the Shabbat dinner that I've been trying to do each week because there won't be enough time left over, and anyway I don't think N is into it so I'll probably just end up aggravating him with it.

Hmph

I am in such a bad mood today. I don't know why; maybe I'm just annoyed that all my friends seem to be taking off for other parts of the country just because they feel like moving someplace new and I'm still in Florida. N stayed home for most of the day today trying to get some work done and that screwed up my groove with the baby a little bit. I wasn't able to take her anyplace and she gets a little crazy when she is cooped up all day long (as do I). I made a big pot of chili and don't have the appetite to eat any of it. I'm stir crazy, restless, irritable, somewhat discontent, and just in a general F- it mood. Sorry. That's just the way it is today. Someone keeps posting a link of which I have no interest in my comment box, so I had to change the settings on my blog to accept only registered users of this site. No offense to anyone who doesn't have a blog here, but why don't ya'll get one??? I don't have time to peruse junk mail and have no interest in gambling and other such useless sites. Hell, I barely have time to even be on the computer, so my time here has to be well spent. I'm the type of person who pretty much only reads books which can teach me something (and, I read A LOT) so why would I want to check out web sites that are basically just trying to sell me garbage??? Anyway, enough of that. I want to be in Colorado right now, maybe hiking in the woods someplace. It's around 2:15pm there right now; that would give me a little bit of time out in nature. I need Colorado's vibe in my life right now. So far, over the past three or four years two good friends of mine have moved there and now my closest friend in Florida is considering it. If she goes I swear I might just go over the deep end. I'd be glad for her but wondering why it feels like God is dangling this huge carrot in front of me all the time. It's like, I'm supposed to go there but I have no idea how I'm supposed to get there. Every time I push my longing to move there into the back of my conscious mind (I suppose it is always in my unconscious mind, which is what is giving me all of the trouble) someone brings it up that they are moving there, that they know someone who just moved or is moving there, or I get an email from my girl friend out there, or I see an ad on tv, or, well, you get the picture. I'm probably just going mad, is all. Just going mad...

Attitude is Essential for Survival

I love Madonna. Maybe I'm just a child of the 80's, but I love her for her intelligence-she knows how to make people think by stirring them up emotionally and she knows how to stay on top of her game by constantly evolving and changing. She started out humbly and worked her butt of to get to where she is now, and I love that she has never let anybody stop her from being successful. No matter what people say about her, she keeps pushing forward; she has chutzpah. I might not agree with everything she does, but at least I can respect her drive and tenacity.

My car wouldn't start today when we came out of the supermarket. There I was with my daughter in the 90 plus heat, trying in vain to get the engine to turn over. I called DH, who told me he would come to help me get it running via a push start, but after 45 minutes I decided to try getting it started again ( I actually tried twice before also) and, voila, it started up and I was able to drive home. Of course, by then DH had arrived; he was right by the market when I called to tell him we were okay. I was grateful that it started at all. I need to take it to the shop on Friday when hopefully they will fix it. And this, of course, is a minor annoyance in a world where there is much trouble abrew.

Safe at Home in the U.S. (for now...)

It's Thursday night, all is quiet and I have a pot of beef stew simmering on the stove. News from Israel made me cry earlier; I watched a newscast from Israel and it was frightening. The only thing that made me feel better was learning that many of the Labanese people don't agree with the recent violent actions that have been taken against Israel and some have actually gone to Israel to fight alongside the Israelis. I believe in my heart that G-d gave Israel to the Jewish people and that ultimately anyone who harms us will find nothing but pain and trouble. When I write this I do not mean that G-d doesn't love people of all religions, because I believe He does, just that others should maybe think about being open minded to the fact that although we might worship in different ways, live according to different traditions, and have different rituals through which which we keep our connection with G-d strong, that doesn't mean that we don't all enjoy an equal relationship with our Higher Power. Call Him whatever you want; I have to know what is right for me, as a Jew. I need to follow the path I was called to follow, to be the person G-d wants me to be. If I'm following the rituals that were given to my fellow tribesmen (and women) to keep us close to G-d, studying Torah, praying every day, keeping the Sabbath (I don't always succeed at this to the letter, but I'm doing the best I can right now), etc., I remain strong in my faith and I feel close to G-d. When I let these things slide I don't feel as close to G-d and I become more subsceptable to the lure of other religions. Since my husband isn't Jewish, this is even more of an issue for me. It's easier for me to follow his religion, less lonely going to church with him that to synagogue "alone", but the cost to my own peace of mind is too great. My soul is a Jewish soul; I cannot deny this any more than I can deny that I am a member of the human race. The crisis in Israel has only made me feel closer to her. And, I feel very grateful to be home tonight eating beef stew with my family. Just for today.

Spirituality Revisited

Over the past few months I've written a lot about my spiritual path; it has taken many twists and turns and I've felt much confusion. It doesn't help that everywhere Christian fundamentalists are telling me that if I'm not a Christian I'm going to hell, etc... The thing is, over the past three months that I've been trying to follow this path of Christianity with my husband I've felt more cut off from G-d than ever. I felt like my Judaism was keeping me on a clearer path, giving me ideas I could relate to and understand. In short, it felt like my soul, rather than an outergarment. Last night my husband was watching John Hagee on television and he began ranting about how environmentalists are screwing up our economy (I happen to be one of those environmentalists) by not allowing drilling to take place in the Arctic Refuge because we're trying to protect "some fuzzy little animals". Never mind that any oil found in the refuge isn't going to pull us out of the mess we're in with the oil situation (that is a collosal lie perpetuated by people who have money to be made in the oil industry. Do you think Exxon is going broke-no!!!). I was highly offended by that comment as well as by many other things he said. I used to leave the room when my husband would put him on but I've been trying to be open minded and to learn something. The problem is that in order to learn anything about Judaism you need to talk with a rabbi. Biblical translations don't seem to come out the same way when they are performed by Christians and Jews. For me, I tend to believe the Jewish ones; maybe I'm just biased. I felt like a rabbi never would have made the comments John Hagee made with regard to the oil crisis-at least, the rabbi at my temple wouldn't have. He believes that we are stewards of this earth and have an obligation to care for her. That is a part of how we show our respect for G-d. I've felt over the past three months that I've had to alter my gut feelings and beliefs so much that the ideas I was following didn't feel natural anymore. Now I feel like I can't be something I'm not, that in spite of my best intentions to keep my family unified through one religion I can't deny that part of my soul which is Jewish, which has always been Jewish. My hope is that I'm not offending anyone with this passage; I just felt a need to talk about it. This morning I read a peice on Aish.com called "-In My Father's Footsteps" which talked about how the writer's Father's deep committment to his Judaic path profoundly influenced his son's life in a beautiful way. By the end of the story I was in tears-deep, heartfelt tears. He talks about how in a world where assimilation is so rampant, his father reaffirmed his Jewish beliefs and in doing so gave his son a wonderful gift that he can now pass along to his own children. I encourage you to read it-it's under the "Family" section (http://www.aish.com/family/heart/In_My_Fathers_Footsteps.asp). Everyone must make their own decisions. I know for I cannot continue as I have been, feeling this wall between me and my higher power. Perhaps it comes from my family roots. I'm not sure.

Back in the Swing

I finally got caught up on all the work that piled up while I was gone. That meant spending a LONG time at my desk this morning, which Little R was not thrilled about, but at least it's done and I don't have to shrink back in horror every time I cast a glance over by the computer. Other than that I got tons of errands done today and will have some time free (hopefully) to spend in the pool tomorrow with a girl friend who is coming back again from a drunken episode. I do have to call some health insurance companies also, as it has recently come to light that the insurance we currently have might not be that good. I hate dealing with this sort of thing; there are so many creeps here in Florida, all promising that their health insurance is the best for the money being asked for. I don't know who to believe anymore, so I end up not believing anyone. I'm going to have to do what I should have done when we first began looking into obtaining health insurance-call companies on my own and get some quotes. I am well aware that this can take up oodles of time but hope that if I get an early start I can get a few quotes to show to hubby before the whole first half of our day is shot out!!! On a creative note, I purchased a couple of really cool brushes while I was in Mass. but so far have not been able to use them yet. There is never enough time in my day and I'm STILL trying to figure out a way to work artistic time into my day. I was so burned out before our vacation, and this was largely due to not having my creative outlet.
p.s.-My image refused to upload, thus I have none with this post...

Just getting home

I just returned from a two week trip to Massachusetts to visit family. It was a nice visit; just long enough to make me happy to be back home, although I miss everyone already. Sleeping on an air mattress and living in someone else's house gets tiring after awhile. N came up and I had an opportunity to show him Cape Cod; he loves it there but his business license is here so I don't see us moving up north any time soon. Please pray for me that our hurricane season is less exciting than forecasters predict. I felt like the time spent up north gave my daughter and I special time to really bond, without the distractions of work and home responsibilities. My family was really knocked out by her; she has so much personality and is talking everyone up, learning new words every day and repeating everything she hears. N and I are beginning to play the "spell words out" game because little R knows what so many words mean now. Say "cookie" and you'd better have a sweet in hand or you might just lose a few fingers. It's funny, I've heard people call us native Massachuseans "Massholes", but people were very courteous to me while I was there. Around Miami people usually won't stop to let me cross the street, even with the baby carriage, but up north people were stopping to let me cross the street, smiling at me. Getting off the airplane into Miami International Airport, I definitely knew I was back in my other home. The sound of Spanish is so familiar to my ears that I'm beginning to learn the language without much effort on my part, and my husband met me in front of a Cuban restaurant with a few shots of Cuban coffee, which I love (for those uneducated in coffee, Cuban coffee comes in "shot" cups for a very good reason; I drank about three or four after arriving back in Florida and was flying high for short while). We walked outside to the warm embrace of a muggy Miami afternoon, battled rude drivers on the highway home, and pulled into our apartment complex at around 3PM where I crashed from days and days of non stop running and nights filled with sporadic sleep episodes. Life is good.

A Friday Night Out!!!

I'm suddenly feeling a little bit tired and I think that's reflected in my eyes today (or, should I say, under them!!) but I still feel good. A near and dear friend is watching the baby tonight so N and I can go out together alone. I'm looking forward to enjoying a date with my husband; I have my red cowboy boots on for the occasion!!! I watched "Bowling for Columbine" last night. I'd seen it before but it really got to me this time, particularly when Michael Moore talked about a six year old girl being murdered by a six year old classmate. Our country is so messed up; the statistics for violence are so much lower in Canada than they are here, and the only reason I could come up with for that is that, in general, our values here are so screwed up and it's so difficult to make a good, comfortable living. The norm here in the U.S. seems to be that people live to work rather than working to live. We get so caught up in the rat race that we don't have time to spend with our children and families, with the people who are really valuable to us. Healthcare is something that WAY too many of us can't afford, and those of us who can afford some form of healthcare often can't afford a decent health plan. A woman shouldn't have to work two jobs just to pay her rent and then have no time left to spend raising her son (which was the case with the six year old who killed that little girl). The poverty levels in this country are rising, and with the current system in place we seem to be working toward eradicating the middle class all together. I turn on the news and I'm bombarded with images of car wrecks, homicides, domestic violence, and enough sadness to completely ruin the dinner hour. Surely good, positive things happen during the day??? It's seems that our society is hooked on bad news like we're hooked on junk food. The problem is that, much like junk food, it doesn't sit very well in our bellies once it's gone down. I'm the sort of person who turns my head when I pass a car accident on the highway. I hate seeing people hurt and I abhor violence. I think that what saddens me the most is how powerless I feel over all of the pain that's going on in the world. I can control only my own actions. I can adopt one of the kittens at St. Francis Mission that is badly in need of love and care. I can spend time with my own daughter and tell her every day how much I love her. I can help to create a warm, comfortable home environment for my family, I can pray, I can spread love through my artwork. What I can't do, if I want to make any difference at all in the world, is become too depressed or down about what I can't change.

Aisling Needs.....

Okay, I don't usually do this, but AndyT13 recommended doing this for amusement, so here goes. You are supposed to put " (your name) needs" into Google and then write down the first ten results. Here is what I came up with:

1.) Aisling needs to tell me where the pack of files Paul made is, because I lost that email.

2.) Aisling needs a good slapping at times. (ouch!!)

3.) Aisling needs to have more dignity and not always go running into Drake's arm.

4.) Aisling Needs To Grow Up.

5.) Aisling needs to ______.

6.) Aisling needs a craft.

7.) Aisling needs a sibling!

Very interesting.

Sigh

http://f3.yahoofs.com/blog/43b985a8zb56daa7a/39/__sr_/b201.jpg?mgoD5gEB.WvEUiJK

My heart hurts today. On the one hand, it was a good weekend. My hubby's parents were in town this weekend and we spent a lot of time with them. Little Bug got to hang with her grandparents and she really took to them, and right away. They were so excited to be around her and it was great watching her with them. They even had a chance to spend some time alone with her while we went to a couple of meetings. This morning the baby and I were both baptized, and I felt like I'd returned to my Catholic roots and feel whole again. Conversely, it was a rough weekend. Some business issues have come up and we need to make some serious decisions about people we have working for us. Sometimes people don't want to help themselves and, at that point, they are beyond help until the time comes when they realize they have a problem and surrender to some sort of recovery (and sometimes that time never arrives). A close girl friend of mine went out and drank yesterday, after I'd spent some time with her on the phone and thought I'd been able to help her to a point where she wasn't going to drink. I am very worried about her; I can't reach her by telephone and neither can anyone else, including her daughter. She is the baby's God Mother, and she was absent from the church this morning, but I refused to find someone else. I refuse to give up on her. But I'm really hurting inside over it, sick with the worry that comes when a friend starts ripping and running again. I know that she is feeling despair and sadness, remorse and regret right now and I wish I could make her feel better, I wish I could give her the gift of recovery. All I can do is pray for her and keep on the right path myself. I called her and left another message telling her that I love her and that I'm here for her. And she'll be in my prayers.

What is Customer Service???

Today I am frustrated because I have to go all the way back to Target to get my money back for an overcharge that happened yesterday. I bought a box of wipes there and was charged for two boxes, which is very annoying because each box cost $8.00. The whole reason I buy them there is that they are cheaper than at the supermarket. The day before yesterday I went to Sally Beauty Supply for some stuff and realized that the cashier was so busy trying to sell me something that I didn't want that he didn't ring in some barrettes and hair ties I wanted for my daughter. I suppose the lesson in all of this is that I need to check both my receipts and my bags more carefully before leaving the store. At least the weather is rainy today and it's not a good park day, so going to Target won't interfere with us going someplace else. Still, it's frustrating when a trip needs to be made to someplace that is rather out of the way (I went there yesterday because this particular Target is located next to Whole Foods, where I do much of my grocery shopping). I haven't had time to paint all week and desperately need to get some creative energy flowing. There is some financial yuckiness going on in our lives right now and I find myself constantly battling the anxiety that knocks at my door every day. I feel as though faith (and a whole lotta hard work) will pull us through this situation and help us come out of it both sane and stronger as a couple, but some days it's very difficult to maintain that attitude of serenity!!!

Painting Fool

That's what I was this afternoon; I finally had some time this week to work on the painting for St. Francis. Ah, the smell of paint in the afternoon!!! I'm happy about the way it's coming along and I'm really enjoying working on it. It's just hard to find time; I think each day that I'll have an hour or two to paint, but then the baby doesn't take a nap, or somebody calls me and I answer the phone, or work stuff comes up, etc., etc.. Life rarely pays heed to the schedules we create. Now I'm about to give the baby a bath and read her a story. I'm happily tired and feel like I accomplished a lot today, despite that I felt very overwhelmed this morning, for some reason. Every once in awhile the depression threatens to creep in; it's like a grey veil that starts to drift over my head, and I have to make like I'm on a sailboat and blow, blow the negativity away with the winds of positive energy. My creativity is about the only thing that's really just mine these days, and it's important to me. I was so into the painting that I didn't even mind when my husband came home. Usually other people being around distracts me. Today, not so much! ::::PS-this picture is not my painting-it's beautiful but I can't take credit for it!

And the Debate Roars On

So, everyone is raving about this book. I, myself have not yet read it; I just finished "Angels and Demons" and found it to be a lot of fun. All around town, people are buzzing. At church on Sunday the priest called it a "bunch of crap". Josh Bernstein did a television special delving into the possibility that Jesus had a daughter and discovered that no only was there no scientific evidence to prove this theory, but also that the famed Priory of Sion was an organization dreamed up by Pierre Plantard who, incidentally, was not a man known for his honesty and integrity. Dan Brown has written a marvelous story (as I said, I've only heard discussions about it, but "Angels and Demons" was action packed and very imaginative) that is based very loosely on fact but is very much mostly fiction. I think he's probably enjoying the notoriety his book has acheived, and it's been fun delving into the mystery of it all, but enough already! It's fiction, people. F-I-C-T-I-O-N.

A Matter of Heritage?

I was born Catholic; Irish Catholic, to be exact. Most of my family is Irish; in the final analysis I'm about 3/4 Irish and I identify very strongly with all things Celtic and Irish. My grandparents believed in the holiness of the Pope (as do I) and the issue of an Ireland free of British rule always loomed large in our home. I was raised believing that the IRA (Irish Republican Army) are soldiers in a war that has been going on for far, far too long. In my heart I hold very strong opinions about how the Irish were treated by the English and it is my sincere belief that the English will never be able to make up for the evils they have done to the country of my ancestry. All of this said, my father's side of the family is Jewish (although his mother was an Irish Catholic who converted when she married my Papa), so as kids my brothers and I weren't raised specifically with any religion. We got bits and peices from both sides and weren't expected to have any great committment to either (at least, from our parents). I've lived my whole life wondering what I believe, reading books on religion, calling my Higher Power by different names, even praying for some sign from God about what He/She wants me to call Him/Her. For a long time now I've held a Jewish stance on the issue because I felt like I related most to Jewish ideas. Lately, however, I've really been gravitating more toward my Irish heritage, and that's lead me along quite a different path. Even in practicing Judaism my prayers have taken a Celtic bent; I've always been drawn to Irish traditions, cooking and even the Catholic concept of honoring Mary. For some reason, I've always been drawn to Mary. Sometimes the only thing I know is that I am (besides being American, of course!) Irish, that the blood of my lineage runs strong through my veins and that it's important to me. Ireland calls to me like a lost lover. I once read that it's impossible to truly know ones self until one has traveled to the place from which our roots came. Maybe right now I'm just trying to make that journey with as true a heart as possible.

All You Need is Love, Love

I guess I'm harping a lot lately about the issue of love and tolerance, but I suppose that I've been thinking about it so much because I've seen such a lack of it in the world lately. My mind wraps around the voice of the President of Iran saying that he wants to wipe Israel off the face of the map. I have a friend who is Iranian. When I was pregnant with my daughter he gave me a St. Michael medallion, Michael being a guardian angel who fights evil. I wore it the whole time I was pregnant, believing in it's good energy and appreciating the kindness of the friend who gave it to me. Over dinner once he commented about how funny it was that an Iranian and a Jewish woman could have a peaceful dinner amongst friends at the same table, while across the ocean Iranians and Jews are fighting. It's very sad; we're all people at the end of the day, with families we love and who love us, with friends and dreams and the need to eat and sleep. Most of us aren't evil, although some people are. Right now I am doing a painting for St. Francis mission; it's a painting they asked me to do and it has a Christian theme. I am enjoying the creative process behind getting it done and using all my good energy to create a beautiful rendition of the cross the painting is based upon. I was born Catholic (Irish Catholic, to be exact) and so I do feel a tie to Catholism and love Catholic art. I can go to church with my husband and dig a lot of what is being said, even if my own beliefs run counter to some of it. Alternatively, my husband sometimes goes to synagogue with me and says the same thing; he doesn't feel threatened by people who follow a different faith from his own. Maybe growing up in the absence of any organized religion gave me a different perspective. My parents didn't raised us with a little of Christianity and Judaism because they didn't want to "pick a side" when it came to their families and most of what I learned about God I learned through my own endeavors. I grew up reading about Mary, watching the Pope on television, and also attending Seders and bar/bat mitzvahs as well as various holidays in the synagogue. I grew up with a sense of there being a loving God who different people called by different names. I look at my daughter and she is so innocent. She knows nothing of racial prejudice, anti-semitism, religious persecution, or war. I wish that none of had to know of these things. I suppose that the only good created by these things is that each of us has the opportunity to spread love through our refusal to honor them. The real gift is our ability to choose and to take right actions, and I think all of the world's major religions teach us that love should always be the side on which we err.

Friday Night at Home

Today was the 17th anniversary of my father's death and I think I've handled it better this year than in years past. I lit a candle this morning, said a prayer for him and talked to him a little bit, then let the candle burn for awhile. The sadness overtook me briefly while I was in the car this afternoon (music always has the power to reach those sensitive areas which I can usually hide with girly brovado) but I have so many things to be grateful for that I tried to just pull myself back to the moment. I had dinner tonight with a couple of girl friends who I don't get to hang out with too much anymore and that was nice. Little R didn't want to eat anything but french fries but what the hell. I think she ate a few scraps of chicken, and usually she eats healthy food, so a day of french fries once in awhile is okay (she ate half of a grilled cheese sandwhich and a bunch of fries for lunch). The picture of Boston is one I took years ago when I was living downtown. It's so old that this area doesn't look like the picture anymore. More buildings have been added to the skyline. I decided to use this picture because it's part of the past and that's what I had to fight today-the faded pictures of my past lives. It's okay to wander down those hallways sometimes, and fun to remember the good stuff, but inevitably it always turns melancholy for me and I can't take too much melancholy now that I don't drink.

Don't Tread on Me Either

So, as an American and as an artist I believe wholly in freedom of speech even when I don't like or agree with what is being said. I believe in the right to organize, to protest, and to fight for the things we believe in. That does not, however, stop my buttons from occasionally being pushed. Maybe I just strongly dislike it when people play the victim for all it's worth, and I definitely dislike when people throw daggers, even if it's unintentionally, at my religion. I love everyone to the best of my ability, it makes no difference to me what religion they practice, what color the skin they live in happens to be, what their political affiliations are, etc. I don't love everything people do, and I have a strong disdain for people who hurt others, whether physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, or otherwise. I especially dislike when people do these things in the name of their God; to me that represents a sort of blasphemy. If you want to do evil, then call it evil and do it because it's what your twisted mind tells you to do. Don't do it under the guise of following your own skewed form of religion, taking just what you like from your religious teachings and disposing of the parts which tell you to live life with love and in peaceful countenance with your fellows. And, when someone does do something like blows up a building or flies airplanes into office buildings full of innocent people, and then basically broadcasts that they are doing it because their religion tells them that American culture is decadent and sinful, lets call it what it is- murder!!! It seems to me that so many people want to critisize American culture and Americans in general, yet our country is full to the brim with new people moving here every day and American pop culture is alive and well in Europe. If you don't like us, don't try to be like us, okay??? I'm not sure I support the war that is going on. I don't agree with schools and playgrounds full of children being bombed and I hate violence of any kind. And when someone looks at me they should look at me as an individual American, not someone represented by Bush, who I did not vote for and whose ethics or lack thereof I do not agree with. They should look at me as the descendent of Irish immigrants who came here because they were bullied out of their country by the English, and who instead of simply playing the victim, rose above the prejudice and cruelty they encountered here in America to become a powerful, largely successful group of people. They should look at me as a woman who chose Judaism as my faith because I believe it to be (and know it to be through much study) a religion of love and family and a deep trust in God. I just read an article in which a woman is very angry about her religion being slandered. I don't blame her. The thing is, Islam is being given a bad rap because there are many Islamics in the world right now claiming that the evil acts they commit are okay because their religion tells them this is so (Islam does not tell them this is so; in fact, they have taken what they want from the Quran to support their right to violence and disregarded the parts that tell them to refrain from killing). Anyway, it pains me that people can't get along. If someone's beliefs are different from mine, and that person isn't threatening my right to practice my own beliefs, why should I feel angry that they don't believe what I do???? The three major religions of the world started out on the same path, sparked by God entering into a covenant with the Jewish people. If we all started out with the same God, what the hell are we fighting about??????

Hungry, Hungry

N is sleeping after having worked all day long and I am starving!!!!! Little R is running around the house tearing the place apart. I suppose that I should wake up N; we might hit a drive in tonight since going to the movies with a 1 1/2 year old is pretty much out of the question! We tried once and ended up leaving after receiving several dirty looks from the other movie goers. Luckily, the movie was horrible and we didn't care. The baby and I spent this afternoon at Borders bookstore looking at kids' books. I bought the baby her first puzzle (a simple alphabet puzzle from which the "Z" has already disappeared, probably to someplace like Underthefridge City or Sofaland). Well, I'm off to nudge hubby, before I do something crazy like eat my keyboard.

Friday Night-Does that even mean anything for a full time Mom???

I found this flamingo picture online at the Mike Kaplan wildlife gallery. His pictures are super cool; I love flamingos. They're so symbolic of warm weather and sunshine. When I was a kid my Grandmother had plastic ones in her flower garden up north. I thought they were the coolest thing when I was little. Anyway, just wanted to give credit for the picture. I'm not in any way trying to bite anyone elses work and I love giving a heads up to other people when I see photography or other artwork which I think is killer. Check out his website!!! I'm not sure if N is working tomorrow. I'm afraid to ask him because I'm hoping he's not working and will be disappointed if he says he is. Is that co-dependent? It's just that, well, when he works on Saturday our day becomes just like any other day, unless I can make plans with a girl friend to do something fun, which sometimes happens. He works so hard all week long that when the weekend comes I love it when he's around, even if we don't do much of anything. Saturdays should be sacred; actually, they are to me. Even when I was working a "regular" job I didn't work on Saturday. It's just my thing-the Sabbath and all. So, here's to tomorrow being Saturday, whatever the day might bring!!!!

Positive Vibes

I feel better today than I have over the past two days. Not that I've been in a very negative space, but I was feeling a sort of unexplainable malaise, as if something wasn't quite right. I've done a lot of meditating over the past two mornings, really trying to delve into the heart of my discontent and was lead to some answers, which has lead me to some solutions. If I'm in the solution then I'm moving away from the problem, part of which is that I project too much. I will take one issue and build on it until I have this horrifying scenario in mind, a scenario which will probably never happen and is greatly blown out of proportion. Over the past two days I've tried to stay in the "now" and focus on what's in front of me, and also to stay focused on the things that stir my passion, such as my artwork. I really need, more than ever, to be focused on my creativity. It's a gift I was given for a reason, a gift I need to share, and by not dedicating enough time to it I'm driving myself crazy. Vincent Van Gogh used to say that he painted because he had to; it was what fed his soul and not painting would have been like a sort of death. I understand that. I think that the mind of an artist tends to be very sensitive and attuned to all that is, and when we don't pour out our artistic energy it stays inside and turns into an unpleasant static. We need to heed the call of the song our soul sings to us; that's what I got out of the meditation I did this morning, and I think that's something I really need to remember right now.

Wednesday

I couldn't think of a snappy title for my blog entry today, so "Wednesday" will have to do. After kvetching yesterday about the environment and making the comment about Greenpeace, I returned home this afternoon to find a flyer from them in my mailbox. I might join them; I think their actions go a long way in protecting the environment and obviousy some aggression is needed these day with the current administration being what it is. It seems like people in power can do just about anything they want if they know whose palms to grease, and that's just so unacceptable. Now that I have a child I feel very protective of all children everywhere, and it makes me fighting mad when I hear about silos full of toxic sludge being erected next to schools full of kids. It's not right that big corporations can bully people around, force them off land that's been in their families for generations, force people out of homes they love and which they've worked hard to afford, and then pay off judges or just plain bribe or bully them to win in court when people try to fight for their right to clean air and water and a safe environment in which to raise their children. Maybe if enough people would fight for the safety of our earth and vote people into office who are willing to put our collective health and well being before big money we'd have a chance against these ignorant jerks!

Oh my aching wallet!!!!

I didn't take this picture-the credit for that goes to an article I read on Yahoo regarding the current gasoline/oil crisis. It cost me $30.00 to fill my little Kia yesterday, and the tank wasn't even completely empty. We could be heading into a time of major crisis in this country and very soon. The rising cost of oil trickles down to everything else-airline tickets, your grocery store bill, services such as plumbing, etc. When gasoline becomes more expensive, so does everything else. My husband is in the construction industry and when the hurricane hit Louisiana last year, distrupting the oil refining industry, the cost of pipe rose, which meant that he had to raise his prices as well. There was a brief mini crisis in the plumbing industry when no one could find pipe, let alone afford to pay for it. And, speaking of Lousiana, due pollution caused by the oil industry Lousiana's state bird, the brown pelican, was wiped out in the state. We need an alternative source of fuel, something cleaner than oil (and coal) and something that will relieve us of our dependence on these foreign countries who are constantly in some sort of chaos and with whom the U.S. always seem to have issues. It would give me no greater pleasure than for our country to be able to tell them to take their overpriced oil and shove it up their collective arses. While I'm on my tirade, I also recently read an article on the mountaintop mining that is taking place in Appalachia. If you don't know anything about it, read up on it. It a shining example of how little the big wigs in the oil and coal industries actually care about the people off whom they're making money. There is a fantastic article in the May issue of Vanity Fair; I read it while I was on the treadmill at the gym and became so angry that my heart rate shot up even more (if you have any sort of environmental conscience it's probably not a good idea to read this article at the gym). The article details the whole process of mountaintop mining and relates that in Whitesville, West Virginia, children are going to school next to an open pit containing highly toxic liquid-the byproduct of cleaning coal. I don't know about you, but I don't want my daughter going to school anywhere near a place where she will be exposed to toxic chemical fumes of any kind, or where she could be the victim of a major accident should the impoundment holding the toxic brew fail and release all of it's foul waste. And I don't care how likey or unlikely it is that this would happen; I would't be willing to take a chance like that with my child's life, and I wouldn't support any company who would. I wonder if Greenpeace knows about this... Well, with that, we're going to go have dinner. I've made myself angry enough.

Passover, etc...

We had a seder at our house for the first time ever on Wednesday night and it was really wonderful. We just had a few friends here and it was very informal, but it was fun and I was happy that we did something to celebrate. By the end of the holiday I will be tired of eating matzah, I'm sure, but for now it's still yummy. I think I'm going to have to change my email IM setting; these creeps keep trying to have a conversation with me, and it's very annoying. They all have such obviously scummy names, too, as if I would actually talk with them. Puhleeze!!! Today it was hot outside; a precursor to the coming heat of summer. I spoke recently with my Colorado friend, and my heart is screaming to go out there. I really need a mountain fix. My soul doesn't feel complete around all of this water and no real forests or raging rivers or mountains. I have the spirit of the forests and mountains within me and it never goes away no matter how much I try to ignore it (because I live in Florida and that's not likely to change any time soon, although I do believe that God creates miracles, so you never know). Ah well.

Strange Life Situations

I'm learning that the older I get, the stranger life becomes. Lately N and I crossed paths with a woman (man???) who has a gender issue. Clearly, she is a woman, but she dresses in men's suits, goes by a man's name and refers to herself, in the third person, as "he". She attends a group N and I also frequent and has taken to using the men's bathroom there, prompting discomfort in many of the men who also use this particular group for support. She has incited the hostility of at least one of the men, who told her in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't be using the men's bathroom. All of this is strange, but the issue that's really bothering me is not her sexual confusion but that fact that lately her personality has taken a rather hostile turn. At first, she seemed to be a kind, fairly calm person. Lately, however, a great deal of anger has been bubbling up from her being, creating emotional outbursts in the meetings and leading me to want to shy away from having any close contact with her. I don't care to expose our daughter to that sort of negative energy at this point in her young life. Having attended both art school and cosmetology school, I've enjoyed friendships with plenty of gay men. Additionally, I've had friends who were lesbians. On some level, I can understand them; I'm straight, but I can acknowledge that women are beautiful, and, certainly, I love men (although, except for my husband, in a purely platonic way). But, I'm about as girly as girls come. It used to offend me when friends would point that out, but it's true. I love clothes, I love make up, I love coloring my hair (sorry, no natural blondes here!). I love being outdoors, hate sitting still, love hanging with the guys, but I love being a girl. I can't relate to wanting to wear men's clothing (puhleeze), having a guy's name (I changed my name because I wanted something more feminine in sound and meaning and also desired a name that gave a nod to my Irish roots). So, I can't relate to this woman on a level of understanding her desire to live a straight lifestyle as a man. I don't see how that can happen for her, but that's none of my business. I just hope that when I see her (she's taken a liking to my husband and I and this has offered her the comfortability to tell us about sexual things which neither of us wants to hear about, especially in front of our daughter) I can detach in a gentle, kind way. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want to hear about her collection of toys or anything like that. It just skeeves me out.

Ahh Swimming in April

We took the baby in the pool for the first time yesterday afternoon. I wasn't half as terrified as I'd thought I'd be seeing her in the water. Actually, despite that I'm not a big fan of H2O, I had fun along with Little R and my dearest N and enjoyed being in the pool. Maybe there is hope for snorkeling this summer... Anyway, it's great that Little R wasn't afraid. She splashed around and had a good time and when we took her out of the pool she kept creeping back over to the stairs and sticking her feet back into the water. Hooray!!! On another note, I'm definitely not pregnant; I'm fighting off some sort of bug (again). I woke up this morning feeling like a bus had hit me while I was sleeping but I feel slightly better now. No little brothers or sisters for my baby girl, at least for now. Hooray!!