Start Spreadin' the News

We're leavin' today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At roughly 3pm my daughter and I will get on a plane (we're flying Southwest Airlines) bound for Providence, Rhode Island, where my Mom and friend David will meet us and we'll head across the border to Massachusetts, my beloved home state. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and my home turf. I've missed both terribly. DH said today that he would move to the Cape in a second if he could figure out how to work there. He knows I want to go back to school for art therapy and that I could do it there. Then, over time, I could become an art therapist like I dream of and he could play golf and whatever. I'd better start working on that portfolio; you never know when God will throw you a curve ball that gives you a chance to actually go forward on a path you've been practically begging Him to be able to tread. I've known many a person for whom this has happened; I just spoke a few days ago with a woman at the bank who is moving back home to Maryland after being here for ten years. She sited missing her family as the foremost reason for the leave, as well as having tired of our endless summers. This is yet another person leaving Florida; I've known so many over the past few years. Why can't it be us? I want this to happen under the best of circumstances (ie, I don't want something traumatic to necessitate a move and have been clear about that in my prayers) and for the good of all of us. I know those of you living in climates where it gets cold during the winter months probably can't understand my pining for my home state. All I can say is live where I do for awhile. Some people never want to leave, but for the majority of people I've known here over the years, the novelty of living in the subtropics wears off after a time, and the longing for other places creeps into their souls. This has definitely been the case for me. There is a longing within my soul that plumbs the depths of the oceans deepest reaches. It cannot be squelched and it cannot be ignored. Wow! It's almost 11am. I have to finish up my packing and get my daughter and myself ready to get out of here. I don't want to be rushing around at the last minute like I always seem to be! Have a great weekend!

Boston Bound in a Few Days!!!

I'm so excited!!!! My daughter and I leave for Massachusetts (we're actually flying in to Rhode Island) on Saturday afternoon, arriving just in time for dinner at Pizzeria Uno, or wherever the mood takes my Mom and my friend David and me. While I hate flying for various reasons, I'm looking forward to our arrival in my home state. It's been way too long since we've been there and I will cherish every moment we spend on hometown ground. (BTW, I didn't take the above picture but hope to have lots of my own when I return to South Florida.) This week is going to be all about tying up loose ends, such as getting the necessary bills paid out and updating DH's qualifier's license so he doesn't get jammed up with permits and inspections while I'm gone. Among the hats I wear, secretary is one them and when I'm gone he's left to writing his bills out by hand and having to do all of his own footwork. It's actually one of the things I dislike about going out of town, although he manages just fine without me. Last year he was happy to have me back to help out again, but I think he'll enjoy a few days of pseudo-bachelorhood just the same. Seeing our friends yesterday was fantastic; they reminded me of how much we need to make our own way in the world and do what is best for us and our immediate family in spite of what we'd like to be doing for the rest of our family and, in some cases, to soothe our own homesickness. I will try to keep that in mind while I'm in the Bay State, but it's always difficult. I miss my family terribly and while I'm visiting with them all I can think is that I never want to have to leave them again, snow or no snow. Well, lots to do today, so I'm out.

Sunday Fun

Today was great. We went to a party at a friend's house and had a chance to spend some time with a couple we've known for a long time who moved up to North Florida about a year ago. So far, they love it up there. They are living in a rural area and enjoy the feel of the place; people are friendly, everything is very family oriented, and the pace of life is much slower than it is here in South Florida. One of the biggest misconceptions I hear from people when I go back home to visit is that the pace of life here is slower. Definitely that is not the case here in South Florida. While things here may be a bit more casual, life is as hectic here as it was in Boston. We just don't have to deal with tunneling our cars out of snow banks during the winter months (a benefit for sure!!!). J and R want us to visit them up north and I'm looking forward to it. For them, this move was a chance to re-invent themselves a bit and be apart from the whole "former partner of" bit. I'd like to do the same-just get away from all the old stuff, old relationships (didn't you used to go out with John???). Time will tell where we will end up. I'm not sure if North Florida would be a happy place for us, but it sure sounds great!

Saturday Night

We have a baby sitter tonight so DH and I are going to ride the motorcycle to Fort Lauderdale for the Easy Rider Block Party. As usual, I'm ecstatic to be getting out of the house but reluctant to leave my daughter with anyone. It's not the sitter, it's just my own insecurity about leaving the most important little person in my life with someone else. By the end of the night I'll be glad to come back home. Nothing exciting about today; we sat around for most of it after sleeping late. After being sick I think we all needed the rest; recovery is dependent upon getting enough sleep but I hate sleeping! I think about all of the things I could be doing if I didn't have to sleep but my energy gives out and at last I relent. Then I can't get up in the morning because I've stayed up too late. DH spray painted the fence we have around our garden green, in the hopes that the other people here will stop complaining that we've put up a fence without first consulting with the "Association". Ah, the dreaded Condo Commandos. DH and I have agreed wholeheartedly that we never want to purchase a condo. I personally would probably smack someone during the first association meeting I was forced to attend. I can't stand people who can't keep their long, twisted noses out of business of other people. To me condo associations are just groups of people who are bent on ruining the happiness of other people. Well, at least some of the people involved in these associations are of this type of person- I'm convinced of that after living here. Today we noticed that "No fishing" signs have been posted around the pond (which everyone here likes to call a lake, even though it's not). Because there are fish within the pond, some of the young neighborhood kids have been fishing occasionally out back. I guess some of the residents living in the units abutting the pond didn't like looking out their back doors and seeing kids fishing out there, so they squashed the fishing. How sad. It's not like there was a whole lot of fishing going on; this was an occasional pasttime of some of the kids. Now they'll just get bored and start trying to figure out what else they can do and people will complain that they are skate boarding, or hanging out too much around the tot playground, or sitting on the fence. I LONG for a house in the country, away from here. Anyway, that's all for now. I need to get ready to get out of here for a few hours!

Quiet Monday

No real action here today. The only thing I'm baffled by is that we all seem to be sick again. WTF???!!! I am now firmly convinced that we live in a yucky area and that the only solution to being sick all the time is leaving. DH and I discussed that maybe we have some sort of mold problem in the a/c vents. Mold is a common occurrence down here due to the hot, muggy weather; if a homeowner/apartment renter doesn't keep the air at around seventy six degrees max at all times, the air inside becomes too welcoming for mold and it can begin to grow in places like cabinets as well as areas unseen, such as in air ducts. I've heard lots of people complaining that they've been sick an unusual amount this year, though, and my relatives up north are not experiencing the same problem. This tells me that something is going on with the area we live in. I wish we could just get the hell out of here. I want to be back with my family again. (She lets out a big sigh and signs off.)

Fricky on Friday

Okay, so there's no such word as "fricky" and the above pictures have nothing to do with anything that happened today, but "fricky" sounds better with the word Friday than "icky" which is how I feel, and the pictures makes me happy when I look at them, which makes me feel less icky. Taking a deep breath now.... Anyway, that's my little family, a few months back.

As far as today, I felt okay when I woke up but feel nauseas now, and felt likewise for the past three days. I swear that on Tuesday morning I woke up, ate breakfast, and then threw up so hard that I actually popped a blood vessel underneath my eye, just above my cheekbone, and now I have a wicked looking black eye. Prior to this happening I was unaware that a black eye could be obtained this way, and I'm surprised that in all of my former years of drinking this never occurred. Of course, I went to a meeting last night and everyone there asked me how I got the black eye (actually, today it's kind of purplish red and green). I tried to back out from the embarrassing admission of how it happened, to no avail. Everyone was relentless and one guy actually asked me if my husband had done it, which, if you know my husband, is a completely ridiculous question. My husband is one of the kindest, least violent people I know. Now, after telling several people that I heaved so hard I gave myself a shiner, it's not so embarrassing to write it here. Actually, it sounds a bit humerous.

I don't know why I feel yucky; N feels yucky too but I don't know if we have the same yuckiness. It crossed my mind that I could be pregnant, but when N told me he's feeling sick also I began to doubt (with some disappointment, actually) that I was with child. Only time will tell on that one. I've actually been wanting another child as of late, although this would probably be the worst possible time from a financial aspect. N isn't really into the idea and I pretty much have felt that we'd stop at one, but there is always that small possibility that another could "come along". If it's a boy, his name will be William (Will for short) after my uncle who died when I was in college. Although he eventually committed suicide, he was a brilliant man in many respects and I admired him greatly. We all have our failings and depression is prevalent on my Mother's side of the family. I think he would laugh at my using the word "brilliant" to describe him; it sounds so dramatic. He was, though. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself over what is probably a stomach virus, though, eh?

Well, happy Friday all.

More Inspiration

I feel a bit like, over the past two days, I've been picking up the peices of my somewhat shattered faith. I've talked a lot about spirituality in this blog, and a lot about my attempts to find a home within a spiritual path. Recently, I'd read a couple of books (by the same author) which really cast doubts in my mind about the path I'd been on. Her claims about archeological studies disproving many of the Biblical stories, including the Exodus and the existence of Moses, disturbed the side of me that looks to science for at least some of the answers to why we're here and what life is all about. I began doubting my belief system, and I starting telling myself that maybe it wasn't the right path for me anyway, that maybe I needed a faith that was more accepting of my tattoos, less restrictive, etc. So, I resumed walking a path I'd followed while I was in college, and it did bring me a great deal of joy. Within this path I found a renewed sense of wonder at the magical side of life, a freedom of movement. The problem was that I began to really miss the religion of Judaism that I'd been following with a very happy heart for the past four years. I missed the structure of it, the guidelines that explained to me how to handle certain situations wherein I had no clue how to behave, that special moment when the Sabbath candles are kindled in our home on Friday night, the prayers which allow me moments during the day to connect with God and create holy moments out of seemingly mundane activities, the deep connection with God that I felt when I said these prayers. I think that going through a crisis of sorts has helped me to understand who I really am in my soul.

I experienced something similar about two years ago. I'd been feeling lonely with Judaism; my husband is Catholic and when I'd go to synagogue I'd look at families there together and wish that my own family could attend services together as well. Sometimes my husband accompanies me but it's not his faith; the service doesn't tend to touch him the way it touches me- it's not "his thing". My daughter is Jewish but is too young to know what's going on during the service. After much agonizing, I decided that maybe our whole family should be Catholic, and I began attending services with him at church. It didn't work. I would go to church and sometimes I got a little something out of the services (certainly every spiritual path has some great messages) but mostly I felt uncomfortable and a bit hypocritical. I would go and focus on the statues of Mary, where at least I could find some solace in looking at her as the feminine form of God. Trying to get to the heart of the matter with regard to the emotions I was experiencing, I searched online and found the website for Jews for Judaism (a very informative site). I did a bit of research with regard to issues of faith, to the Jewish standpoint on who Jesus was. I read about why as Jews we believe as we do, and I agreed with what I read. All of it made sense to me. At last, I knew what I wasn't. I was definitely not going to be able to give up being Jewish to be Catholic (and I don't mean to offend anyone here, but there really is no such thing as a Jewish Christian; you are Jewish or you're Christian. You can't be both. Read the explanation for this at Jews for Judaism.).

Anyway, last Thursday I was supposed to meet up with a Pagan Mommy group at a local park. We went to the park, but I didn't find anyone there from the group; I think they'd already left due to the intense heat outside that day. Undaunted, I stayed there with Bebe and let her run around under the water sprinkler. Afterward, we went to lunch at a local subshop and ate lunch. After munching on a sandwich and chicken nuggets, I began to gather our belongings to leave the restaurant. As I looked up from the tray holding our spent sandwich wrapper and nugget box, I noticed the Rabbi from my temple standing at the counter ordering his own lunch. I chuckled to myself, as when I'd been standing in his place earlier I'd wondered if Miami Subs served food that would be considered Kosher (I have no idea why that question popped up in my mind; maybe as a precursor to what God had planned next?). I talked with him for a bit about the local Jewish school and about his views on homeschooling, etc. I noticed he was reading a book about Jewish spirituality and something about that began to re-kindle a spark within me that I think was wanting very much to be set afire. I left with a feeling of God having intervened in my life; I've never seen the Rabbi there before, and had I not stayed at the park for as long as I had I would not have met him at the sub shop. Had I met up with the group, I probably would have left the park earlier and missed the Rabbi completely.

On Friday night I lit the Sabbath candles with my daughter and said the blessings over them. It was one of the most meaningful, special, spirit-filled moments I've experienced within Juduaism (although holding the Torah scrolls at almost 9 months of pregnancy after doing a mikveh in the ocean as part of my conversion wasn't such a shabby moment either-my father's family is Jewish and my Mom's Catholic, so I had to convert to be recognized as Jewish, despite that I always felt that I was anyway. ). I've experienced many moments of understanding, hope, realization, and awe along my path of Judaism, but something about sharing with my daughter something that my own parents never shared with me (I was brought up with no religion at all-just a belief in some sort of God) was hugely special. I feel this week as though I've come home. I've returned to reading my prayers in the morning and at night. I've begun singing the Shema to my daughter when it's bedtime. Coincidentally, since we've resumed this ritual she's stopped waking in the middle of night with bad dreams, so maybe she'd gotten used to this and was disturbed on some unconscious level when I stopped it. When I tried Catholicism on for size two years ago and realized that it wasn't the religion for me, I returned to Judaism with a stronger faith and a greater level of excitement than ever. I hope that will be the case this time as well, and indeed I feel it will be. Perhaps sometimes we need to check out the sights on a different pathway to realize that the sights along the path we'd been walking previously are just as beautiful but more relevant to who we are within the deepest recesses of our soul. I read today that within Jewish mysticism there exists a story about how Jewish converts are really old souls returning to their true path of Judaism. I'd like to think that's true.