Mug Shot Monday

Since I can't do much with HNT, since I feel kinda funny about it, having a husband and a two year old and all, I'm doing a new thang-- MSM. Join in if ya like. I never really take myself seriously and thought it'd be fun to do a semi sexy, kinda silly picture.

I feel pretty good today. Yesterday I was in a horrible depression (which I think I hid fairly well from the rest of the world). I hate when that happens but I've basically accepted it as part of my chemical make up. Yesterday I felt frustrated with myself, though. I wanted the sadness to GO AWAY as soon as possible. Of course, today, when I feel good, I can't remember exactly how bad I felt yesterday. Depression runs in my family, and it scares me a little bit. Yesterday I had to socialize with some friends and it was a major effort. I didn't want to be a downer, so I tried to smile and laugh and deal with my temporary chemical imbalance. Maybe it's part of being an artist. If I need to experience these swings in mood in order to be a truly creative person, so be them. Today I'm doing paperwork and I'm going to take the babe for a walk after lunch. She has another cold and we're going camping this weekend, so I'm trying to avoid having her around other people too much. I want her to make a speedy recovery, if possible, before we hit the woods. This picture is a decidedly unwoodsy shot, but it's got me all over it-girly to the max, blonde as hell, colorful make-up, tattoos. And, I was happy when I took it-very happy, even. Which is me most of the time.

Smile!!!!

I'm so tired I can scarcely believe that I am online right now, logged into Blogger and talking about my day. I must be out of my mind to not be snuggled cozily under the covers right now. Sigh. So, I went to the dentist today, after about six years of not going to the dentist because I detest (with a vengeance) having anyone poking around in my mouth (hmm, now THAT'S a loaded gun waiting to go off....). Scrape, scrape, poke, poke, scrape, scrape, "you have beautiful teeth!", scrape, scrape, "do you floss?", poke, poke. The good news is that after about two hours of dental debauchery, I have good tooth enamel and no cavities. The bad news is that I need to have part of two teeth bonded a bit because I used to brush my teeth too hard and I guess part of the dentin has been exposed. It doesn't look gross, or anything, but over time it will get worse and probably really hurt a lot. It's not too big of a deal, except that I'll have to go back to the dentist next Tuesday and hopefully N will be able to meet me again and watch the baby. If not, my next trip won't be much fun for anyone involved. =) That was my fun for the day. Now I think I'll go to bed, since I can scarcely formulate words right now.

Sunday Sunday

It's actually been a bit chilly here over the past couple of days, at least by Florida standards. It feels good; a nice change from the sweltering heat that hangs over us for most of the year, making all outdoor activity highly uncomfortable for someone like me, who dislikes having my skin fried like a chicken. N and I went to a concert last night with the Darkstar Orchestra. We had a blast!!! The band is a Grateful Dead cover band, and I was skeptical at first, but as soon as we pulled into the parking lot and I could hear their music I was excited. I danced for two hours straight!!!! It almost felt like going back in time, except I wasn't on any sort of an artificial high....I found that one can really enter into a sort of high just by listening to someone banging a good drum beat-at one point I felt like I was in a trance, with my eyes closed and my body floating on the rythm. A friend babysat for us, so we were able to go and really feel free to enjoy the atmosphere. If Little One had been with me I would have spent the whole night worrying that I was going to somehow lose her in the crowd. That would not have been fun!!! The old Deadhead days may be gone, but it was fun to go and groove with a band who I feel really sounds like the Grateful Dead- I was hoping I'd see some old fellow Deadheads there, but no luck. I'm still looking for John Schindler, who I haven't seen in many years. Maybe someday our paths will cross once more.

Happy Late Valentine's Day

I hope everyone had a nice Valentine's Day. Ours was good, although I must confess that we have yet to open the gifts we bought for each other!!! We actually got a babysitter last night and went out on the motorcycles with another couple. My husband bought a new Harley Night Train model and it's killer; we haven't been able to ride it much together since we have a little one, but last night we finally got out. We went to dinner at a seafood restaurant on the intracoastal waterway, then hung out at the home of one of my husband's old buddies. There was lots of dysfunction going on there, but everyone seemed to be having fun and it didn't involve those of us who were visiting so it was all good. My life has changed so much in the past eight years that it's hard for me to imagine myself still doing the same things I was doing back when I was in college, but some people can continue that lifestyle without much consequence, provided they aren't interested in things like having a family and being more settled down. I wanted that stuff, at least eventually, and that crazy lifestyle isn't healthy within a marriage (usually), as I quickly discovered. Four years later that marriage was over and I'd migrated to Florida...where I met current hubby and found out what it's like to be in a functioning marriage. Wow!!!

I hate major changes to stuff like blog sites!!!!!

Okay, already I hate this new blogger situation, because suddenly it's verrryyyyy sloowwwww. Also, the pictures are taking forever to show themselves and I haven't a clue as to how to post my own pictures here. I hate it when everything works just fine and then it has to be changed and I have to learn how to use something all over again. Oh, okay, the picture button just popped up, several minutes after this window opened. Maybe it's just my computer today. Maybe I'm too tired to be blogging tonight. I guess I'll be back again tomorrow!!!!

Sometimes....

JOSH GROBAN / TO WHERE YOU ARE(Richard Marx/Linda Thompson)

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillnessI can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be
That you are mine Forever love

And you are watching over meFrom up above
Fly me up to where you areBeyond a distant star

I wish upon tonightTo see you smile

If only for awhileTo know you're there

A breath away's not farTo where you are
Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you

Just one beat awayI cherish all you gave me Everyday
Cause you are mine forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe that angels breath

And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up to where you are

Beyond a distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhileTo know you're there

A breath away's not far To where you are
I know you're there

A breath away's not far To where you are

I love you, Dad. I miss you.

My Dad has been gone since 1989 but sometimes I still miss him-no I always miss him, but sometimes I miss him more terribly than at other times. Sometimes the pain is just as strong as it was the day he died; it's like if I long for him to be back with enough gusto maybe I'll pick up the phone and he'll be on the other end. I used to hope that someday I would have a daughter, and that I would be able to give her a great father, like I had. I got that wish with my husband and my little girl, and it's a really, really special thing. Still, when a person goes through something traumatic like losing a parent suddenly and in a somewhat violent manner, he or she might carry that post traumatic stress around within them for years, even for a lifetime. I still feel the effects of that. It causes me to really value the people with whom I'm close in a special, deep way and that's good. It's hard sometimes, though, to hold those fears inside. Anyway, thanks A and M for missing my posts!!! My computer was acting funny for a few days and I've just been able to get back online, and blog. Luv you guys.