Am I a Grown Up Now? Nahhhh!!!

I took little one to a mommy meetup group two days in a row, yesterday and today. Yesterday we all met at the Hallandale Beach library and today at the Hollywood library. Yesterday was storytime and today was just a free playtime. It always amazes me how my daughter seems to befriend the kids who at first seem to be so rough. This little boy was stealing her toys away one minute, and the next they were running around together!!! This group is a big step for me; I tried this once before but could never get my act together enough to be able to make it to the meetups. Now that my "baby" is two she needs to get out of the house more, needs more of a variety of things to do and other kids to do things with, and I need other adults to converse with here and there. I was hesitant, at first, to join a group because I thought that I might have a hard time relating to the other moms. I know that my tattoos sometimes cause people to form an incorrect assumption about who I am and what I'm like but I'm not willing to walk around with them covered up because they are an important part of who I am. That said, I thought that maybe some of the moms would be prejudicial toward me in a negative way before they got to know me. As it turned out, my daughter and I both had a good time. The moms were super cool and I related to everyone just fine, thank you very much. I actually relate to the moms in this group more than I did the moms in the punky moms group I also joined. Apparently, I'm more artsy than I am punky....It's cool though. It's hard for me to believe the way my life has progressed over the past four years. Everything in my life gradually changed; now I'm making dinners at night for my family, running around like a crazy person all the time trying to cram forty hours into the span of twenty four, being a mom, going to mommy meetups. Wow.

Hooray!!!

Yay!!!! Someone finally answered my email regarding an article I'm trying to write for the beach newspaper that I have a column in. I've been leaving messages and emails but as of today hadn't heard anything yet. As I was sitting down to my computer I was thinking about how hard it was going to be to have a peice with nothing but my own ideas rambling on and on, and there was an email from someone I really wanted a few quotes from for my peice! There is hope yet that this thing will get done, which is good because I need to bang out the story ASAP. It's actually mostly written already, but I need to add the quotes and tweak it a little bit. Someone recently told me I'm a dork for writing an environmental column but I don't care. I never claimed not to be a dork! I attended a fantastic meeting tonight which inspired me to take more positive action in my life. I've been feeling much more motivated as of late and that's given me hope that I can create the changes for good that I'd like to bring about.

Manic Monday

Well, it's 9:23pm, I'm tired, my daughter has not had her bath yet and I thought it would be a good time to post a blog. Actually, I was waiting for the tub to fill and was planning on blogging then, but I spent too much time reading other blogs and nearly overfilled the bathtub. Yep, it's Monday. We spent the whole day running errands and doing paperwork. I think I'm busier now than I ever have been in my life, including the time I spent working at the law office as a legal assistant. My daughter just came in and handed me a diaper. I guess that means it's time to take a bath and get her jammies on. Did I mention how busy life is nowadays??? It's great, though. I love being busy in this sort of way. For years I prayed to be busy in this sort of way. I was always kind of afraid of being a mom, but now that I am I find that it's a natural sort of role, and one I much prefer to the constant, unrewarding stress of being a legal assistant. If I'd stayed in my old job I would've had to go back to school to do something else, because I would've fried like an onion ring after too many more years of staring at a computer screen and talking on the phone, making money at a job that gave me absolutely no creative release but paid my bills and provided me with medical insurance. It's so scary and sad how sometimes life hands us jobs and we become afraid to leave them for fear of losing our security, even though they are jobs we really don't like, jobs we hate, even. I didn't hate the law office; it was a great opportunity and helped me buy my first new car. I enjoyed certain aspects of law and even considered going to law school. Anyway, my daughter's spirit had other ideas and wanted to be born and decided to be born to N and me, and we were blessed. Which brings me to another bath time and a good bye and good night to you all.

Snnnnnnoorrrreeeee.....

Sorry. I just almost passed out at my computer, which would not be a good thing since my two year old is downstairs with a cup of water and a palette of watercolors. I'm trying to nurture her artistic spirit, and so far she's really digging it, so I'm going with it. I love seeing what she comes up with and have several of her masterpeices posted around our home. I'm unbelievably tired right now and am looking forward to going to bed early, if that turns out to be possible. Exciting, I know, but I had a day of doing lots of running around and constantly being "on" and I'm worn out now that the day is melting into the beginning of evening (although, I have to admit, that I mean "melting" only in a figurative sense; it's still quite light outside, if not a bit overcast). I read an article in a parenting magazine today wherein a woman talked about her child's siblings. I felt a twinge in my stomach as I read about how her daughter interacts with her brother and sister, how they help her as she learns the art of growing from a baby into a little girl. I felt sad because I am one of six children, I'm close with all of my siblings and am glad I have them, and I know that my daughter will never have that bond with a brother or sister herself. You might think that there is no way I can know this with certainty, but I know this as surely as I know that the cow jumps over the moon (I swear that I actually saw this happen during an all nighter when my daughter was in her first few days of life-at least, it sure looked like a cow...). It's amazing how much our bodies tell us if we're in tune with their rythms. When my little one was almost ready to make her appearance on the stage of life, I began feeling an urgency to get my house ready for her arrival and to finish my projects at work as much as was possible. Although everyone laughed and said I still had time, I knew that I did not. I could feel my body telling me that it could contain her no more and that soon I would be holding my daughter in my arms rather than in my belly. My last day of work at my old job was the day I went into labor (I actually began going into labor at work, but I was in denial about the fact for a few hours); I worked up to the last possible minute because deep down inside I knew I would not be returning and I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone else to resolve. Recently, I thought about how nice it would be to have a son. His name would be William, after my grandfather (Will for short), and he would be as full of life and vigor as his older sister. He's just a dream. I know in my heart that no more children will make residence within my body, however, and I'm okay with that. Pregnancy wasn't all that much fun, even though there were moments that were positively magical and those moments are ones I wouldn't trade for all the cranberries on the Cape (or that used to be on the Cape for companies like Ocean Spray took over the cranberry industry). The moment I saw my daughter for the first time far surpassed any sickness or other discomfort experienced while I was carrying her. I enjoy being able to focus all of my attention on her, though. My energies aren't drained by the attention of many; we can afford to take her places that we couldn't visit if we had more than one child and I have a very special bond with her. And, I'm too tired at the end of the day to be able to even imagine having any more kids!

Grateful to be Sober

Yesterday I visited the hospital with N, to see a friend of his who is probably dieing from cirrhosis of the liver, combined with a few other issues. N didn't actually get in to see him, because he was just waking up and was very emotional after visiting with his immediate family. I guess that's how it is when you're not sure if you're going to wake up again every time they give you something so you can sleep. N was good friends with this guy for lots of years and they enjoyed many diving trips, party nights and Ja only knows what else together. It's very sad for him to see J in this condition; everyone is powerless to do anything for him except to pray and to be there to see him through the ordeal. I feel badly for the guy; I met him only once but he had a very good energy. He is one of those people who I liked immediately. Apparently, he had that effect on lots of people and was quite the ladies man in his day. Anyway, he's 51, and this might be the end of the line, and there is something profoundly frightening about that to me. After we went to the hospital I called my brother Kenny and talked with him for half an hour. Seeing J's daughter brought back many old feelings for me, from when I was in the hospital waiting to find out if my own Dad was going to pull through (he didn't). I felt like all I could do was call my own family and tell them I love them.

Mall Rat Wednesday

Today was a good day, but after yesterday's post I'm ashamed to admit that today I had a case of the "I wish we made more money" blues. I guess it was triggered by our trip to the mall; we went there to meet up with a girl friend and her kids. We had a great time-ate lunch together and talked. The kids had a chance to socialize a little bit and then K had to leave because she had some work to do at home. I spent another hour or so walking around with Little One. I followed where she lead and immersed myself in her world. To a toddler, even the smallest things can be interesting. She broadens my world quite a bit. The thing is, I want to give her everything I had and more. Sometimes it gets to me that I can't give her as much as I'd like to-I see other moms at the mall buying these cute little outfits that I know I can't afford, and sometimes I'll see a toy that I think my daughter would enjoy but it's too much money at the moment. We are able to give her a lot, and I think that I'm probably worrying about nothing, but it's hard to not want your child to have the best of everything. When the time comes for her to start school, I want to send her to a good school. No, a great school. If, when our daughter is of school age, we're still living in the area we live in now, we'll need to think about an alternative to the public school system since most of the public schools down here aren't ones I would sent her to. There are some great Jewish schools available to us, so at least there are options, but some of those schools are quite expensive. I would love to be able to just send her wherever we think she would best thrive, without money being such an issue. We live a good life; I'm not complaining. We're currently in a slump because some people who owe us money haven't paid us, and once they do pay us we'll be in a better position. That said, some financial insecurity has probably been triggered in me that, in turn, lead to my feeling frustrated by the mall today. Business ownership is scary because there is never a guarantee of a paycheck and some months/weeks are frightening. This is one of those weeks. I think that the solution for me today is to think about the things for which I am grateful, and there are many. Today is today, and today we're okay, financially and otherwise. I may not have had the money today to buy anything at the mall (other than lunch, for which I'm grateful because some people can't afford to take their kids out to lunch), but we had fun just the same. My daughter cared about being out running around, not about me buying her a new pair of shoes or a new toy, and I couldn't put a price value on the time I get to spend with her right now. I cherish this time beyond words.

A Day at a Time

Having been full of stress, fear, and a constant feeling of being overwhelmed, I resolved to try the "one day at a time, live in the moment" mantra once again. When I live in each moment and don't obsess about all of the bad things that might happen, or the things which I want to happen which might not, or about the things that I need to get done which I'm not doing at that moment, etc., I become filled with an anxiety that ruins the moment I'm in and fills my day with an ever present feeling of fear and hopelessness. I took my new attitude to the park today with Little One and we had a great time, even though I felt tired today and wasn't one hundred percent. Digging in the sand, swinging my daughter on the swing, flying down the slide, and climbing all have amazing therapeutic value, especially when a two year old who is completely in the moment is with you, reminding you of what is really important in this life. The world wants you to think it's making money, or buying that shiny new car they keep advertising on television, or what's happening next week on Desperate Housewives, or dying your hair that magnificent shade of L'Oreal blonde/stretching your eye lashes to illegal lengths with this amazingly black mascara which will make heads turn and instantly transform you into the goddess that you wish you were back when the kids were making fun of you in grammar school/high school for just being who you were. Just about every advertisement on t.v. plays to our egos, to the hurts inflicted upon us as children which we seek to heal in adulthood, to wanting to be better liked/loved, to be more attractive (usually on the outside). Hummer tries to convince us that buying a big, gas guzzling monstrosity of a vehicle will make men feel more manly, or will get us revenge on the other soccer mom who tried to push us around at the field while tossing back her silky red locks carelessly, a diamond the size of a baseball adorning the hand doing the tossing. It's all B.S. The world wants us to think that all of this material crap will fill the holes within us when all this stuff does is temporarily mask the pain, until the stuff isn't new anymore and reality once again encroaches. Don't get me wrong, having "stuff" isn't wrong in itself, nor is wearing makeup, dying our hair, or wearing clothes that fit our personalities. It's when we use these outside things to completely define who we are, or we think that by changing our outside appearance or buying a vehicle that we think makes us look tougher, smarter, etc. we'll change our lives for better that we get into trouble. The key lies within; finding a spiritual center, learning how to reach out to other people who need us, finding the time to hang out with our kids at the park and to really be there with them, instead of thinking about all of the things that we need to do once we get home. Childhood doesn't wait for anyone. Someday my daughter will be grown and I don't want to look back and realize all I missed because I was dwelling on things that I won't even be able to remember years from now. So, one day at a time, one moment at a time, live in the now. Now is what's happening.

Happy HNT

Happy day!!! I couldn't decide which picture to use so I used both... I just got finished having lunch with little one, after we went to the park and ran around for an hour or so. Now I'm tired; coffee is a-brewin' and I'm going to have me a cup and try to make it through the rest of the afternoon. I need to be awake; I want to get a little bit of painting done, if possible. The key is getting Little One to watch an hour or so of Noggin or some other educational show. That's about the only way I can get her to settle down briefly, and sometimes even that doesn't work. Since the end of the beloved nap time, it's hell trying to find time for my artistic pursuits but I need that time to create. Well, too tired to think of anything else to say, so I'm going to attempt a recharge and hit the forward button.

Post Camping

Our camping trip was so much fun, despite the rain which threatened on both Friday and Saturday to make life miserable. Our little group got it together, pitched tents and made a fire, and when the rain would let up we'd gather around the fire hanging out and eating and enjoying each other's company and the quiet of the woods. Friday night after everyone turned in the rains came down with a fury, and our tent leaked a bit. We had puddles on the floor in the morning but nothing got seriously wet and a tarp tossed over the roof took care of the problem on Saturday. Salt Springs Recreation Area is beautiful. Because it's near Daytona and in the Ocala National Forest, the nights are much cooler than they are here in South Florida and that was a welcome change (although Sunday night temps. dropped into the 40's and those of us with South Florida blood were a bit chilly when we ventured out of our sleeping bags!). Little One had a blast. For her the park was like a big playground; she had three days of being able to run around to her heart's delight and I think she inspired the rest of us to run around when the rains came. She cared nothing about whether it was raining; she was running around laughing and shouting and just being happy about being alive and being outside. She's my little hero. Sunday morning I got up early and walked alone down a path in the woods. The woods are where I feel the most at home, and I was basking in the songs of the birds, the hollow sound of a redheaded woodpecker knocking at a tree trunk, the whisper of the wind in the trees. When I arrived at the lake a mist was rising off of it, creating this mystical atmosphere, and I stood just trying to be a part of the whole scene, blending in with the birds, and the frogs and the trees and the squirrels playing in the woods. It was awesome. Now we're back in civilization again, but I feel refreshed. I was really feeling mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained before we left and the trip helped me to put my life back into perspective again. Standing in the woods, surrounded by nature and God and nothing else, I was really able to find my inner peace again. In a recent meditation my spirit guide told me that I would find my home within the woodlands, and now I know what he meant. At the time I thought I knew what he meant, but now I really understand, because when I entered into that meditation I was pleading for guidance and for a pathway to some deep peace and centeredness. Super cool.

Gone Campin'!!!

Tomorrow morning we hit the road and head up to Salt Springs Recreation Area. Salt Springs Rec. Area is located in the Ocala National Forest, not too far from Daytona Beach, where N and I are considering moving. (This beautiful picture was taken in Daytona Beach, but not by me.) It will be nice to be in the woods for a couple of days with some friends and no cell phone reception. Being a business owner, the only way my husband can really get away is if he either leaves his cell phone home or goes someplace where no one can reach him and he will thus have no guilt if he doesn't answer/return the phone calls right away. For us this is important, since his cell phone rings so much that sometimes I want to chuck it into a canal. I'm thankful that he is busy with work because that's how we live, but sometimes we need time away from it all. Now I must go pack. I've packed nothing so far and we still need to go out tonight and buy food and a new tent (the one from last year isn't quite going to cut it this trip). See ya'll on Monday afternoon or Tuesday morning!!!