Friday Night at Home

Today was the 17th anniversary of my father's death and I think I've handled it better this year than in years past. I lit a candle this morning, said a prayer for him and talked to him a little bit, then let the candle burn for awhile. The sadness overtook me briefly while I was in the car this afternoon (music always has the power to reach those sensitive areas which I can usually hide with girly brovado) but I have so many things to be grateful for that I tried to just pull myself back to the moment. I had dinner tonight with a couple of girl friends who I don't get to hang out with too much anymore and that was nice. Little R didn't want to eat anything but french fries but what the hell. I think she ate a few scraps of chicken, and usually she eats healthy food, so a day of french fries once in awhile is okay (she ate half of a grilled cheese sandwhich and a bunch of fries for lunch). The picture of Boston is one I took years ago when I was living downtown. It's so old that this area doesn't look like the picture anymore. More buildings have been added to the skyline. I decided to use this picture because it's part of the past and that's what I had to fight today-the faded pictures of my past lives. It's okay to wander down those hallways sometimes, and fun to remember the good stuff, but inevitably it always turns melancholy for me and I can't take too much melancholy now that I don't drink.

Don't Tread on Me Either

So, as an American and as an artist I believe wholly in freedom of speech even when I don't like or agree with what is being said. I believe in the right to organize, to protest, and to fight for the things we believe in. That does not, however, stop my buttons from occasionally being pushed. Maybe I just strongly dislike it when people play the victim for all it's worth, and I definitely dislike when people throw daggers, even if it's unintentionally, at my religion. I love everyone to the best of my ability, it makes no difference to me what religion they practice, what color the skin they live in happens to be, what their political affiliations are, etc. I don't love everything people do, and I have a strong disdain for people who hurt others, whether physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, or otherwise. I especially dislike when people do these things in the name of their God; to me that represents a sort of blasphemy. If you want to do evil, then call it evil and do it because it's what your twisted mind tells you to do. Don't do it under the guise of following your own skewed form of religion, taking just what you like from your religious teachings and disposing of the parts which tell you to live life with love and in peaceful countenance with your fellows. And, when someone does do something like blows up a building or flies airplanes into office buildings full of innocent people, and then basically broadcasts that they are doing it because their religion tells them that American culture is decadent and sinful, lets call it what it is- murder!!! It seems to me that so many people want to critisize American culture and Americans in general, yet our country is full to the brim with new people moving here every day and American pop culture is alive and well in Europe. If you don't like us, don't try to be like us, okay??? I'm not sure I support the war that is going on. I don't agree with schools and playgrounds full of children being bombed and I hate violence of any kind. And when someone looks at me they should look at me as an individual American, not someone represented by Bush, who I did not vote for and whose ethics or lack thereof I do not agree with. They should look at me as the descendent of Irish immigrants who came here because they were bullied out of their country by the English, and who instead of simply playing the victim, rose above the prejudice and cruelty they encountered here in America to become a powerful, largely successful group of people. They should look at me as a woman who chose Judaism as my faith because I believe it to be (and know it to be through much study) a religion of love and family and a deep trust in God. I just read an article in which a woman is very angry about her religion being slandered. I don't blame her. The thing is, Islam is being given a bad rap because there are many Islamics in the world right now claiming that the evil acts they commit are okay because their religion tells them this is so (Islam does not tell them this is so; in fact, they have taken what they want from the Quran to support their right to violence and disregarded the parts that tell them to refrain from killing). Anyway, it pains me that people can't get along. If someone's beliefs are different from mine, and that person isn't threatening my right to practice my own beliefs, why should I feel angry that they don't believe what I do???? The three major religions of the world started out on the same path, sparked by God entering into a covenant with the Jewish people. If we all started out with the same God, what the hell are we fighting about??????

Hungry, Hungry

N is sleeping after having worked all day long and I am starving!!!!! Little R is running around the house tearing the place apart. I suppose that I should wake up N; we might hit a drive in tonight since going to the movies with a 1 1/2 year old is pretty much out of the question! We tried once and ended up leaving after receiving several dirty looks from the other movie goers. Luckily, the movie was horrible and we didn't care. The baby and I spent this afternoon at Borders bookstore looking at kids' books. I bought the baby her first puzzle (a simple alphabet puzzle from which the "Z" has already disappeared, probably to someplace like Underthefridge City or Sofaland). Well, I'm off to nudge hubby, before I do something crazy like eat my keyboard.

Friday Night-Does that even mean anything for a full time Mom???

I found this flamingo picture online at the Mike Kaplan wildlife gallery. His pictures are super cool; I love flamingos. They're so symbolic of warm weather and sunshine. When I was a kid my Grandmother had plastic ones in her flower garden up north. I thought they were the coolest thing when I was little. Anyway, just wanted to give credit for the picture. I'm not in any way trying to bite anyone elses work and I love giving a heads up to other people when I see photography or other artwork which I think is killer. Check out his website!!! I'm not sure if N is working tomorrow. I'm afraid to ask him because I'm hoping he's not working and will be disappointed if he says he is. Is that co-dependent? It's just that, well, when he works on Saturday our day becomes just like any other day, unless I can make plans with a girl friend to do something fun, which sometimes happens. He works so hard all week long that when the weekend comes I love it when he's around, even if we don't do much of anything. Saturdays should be sacred; actually, they are to me. Even when I was working a "regular" job I didn't work on Saturday. It's just my thing-the Sabbath and all. So, here's to tomorrow being Saturday, whatever the day might bring!!!!

Positive Vibes

I feel better today than I have over the past two days. Not that I've been in a very negative space, but I was feeling a sort of unexplainable malaise, as if something wasn't quite right. I've done a lot of meditating over the past two mornings, really trying to delve into the heart of my discontent and was lead to some answers, which has lead me to some solutions. If I'm in the solution then I'm moving away from the problem, part of which is that I project too much. I will take one issue and build on it until I have this horrifying scenario in mind, a scenario which will probably never happen and is greatly blown out of proportion. Over the past two days I've tried to stay in the "now" and focus on what's in front of me, and also to stay focused on the things that stir my passion, such as my artwork. I really need, more than ever, to be focused on my creativity. It's a gift I was given for a reason, a gift I need to share, and by not dedicating enough time to it I'm driving myself crazy. Vincent Van Gogh used to say that he painted because he had to; it was what fed his soul and not painting would have been like a sort of death. I understand that. I think that the mind of an artist tends to be very sensitive and attuned to all that is, and when we don't pour out our artistic energy it stays inside and turns into an unpleasant static. We need to heed the call of the song our soul sings to us; that's what I got out of the meditation I did this morning, and I think that's something I really need to remember right now.

Wednesday

I couldn't think of a snappy title for my blog entry today, so "Wednesday" will have to do. After kvetching yesterday about the environment and making the comment about Greenpeace, I returned home this afternoon to find a flyer from them in my mailbox. I might join them; I think their actions go a long way in protecting the environment and obviousy some aggression is needed these day with the current administration being what it is. It seems like people in power can do just about anything they want if they know whose palms to grease, and that's just so unacceptable. Now that I have a child I feel very protective of all children everywhere, and it makes me fighting mad when I hear about silos full of toxic sludge being erected next to schools full of kids. It's not right that big corporations can bully people around, force them off land that's been in their families for generations, force people out of homes they love and which they've worked hard to afford, and then pay off judges or just plain bribe or bully them to win in court when people try to fight for their right to clean air and water and a safe environment in which to raise their children. Maybe if enough people would fight for the safety of our earth and vote people into office who are willing to put our collective health and well being before big money we'd have a chance against these ignorant jerks!

Oh my aching wallet!!!!

I didn't take this picture-the credit for that goes to an article I read on Yahoo regarding the current gasoline/oil crisis. It cost me $30.00 to fill my little Kia yesterday, and the tank wasn't even completely empty. We could be heading into a time of major crisis in this country and very soon. The rising cost of oil trickles down to everything else-airline tickets, your grocery store bill, services such as plumbing, etc. When gasoline becomes more expensive, so does everything else. My husband is in the construction industry and when the hurricane hit Louisiana last year, distrupting the oil refining industry, the cost of pipe rose, which meant that he had to raise his prices as well. There was a brief mini crisis in the plumbing industry when no one could find pipe, let alone afford to pay for it. And, speaking of Lousiana, due pollution caused by the oil industry Lousiana's state bird, the brown pelican, was wiped out in the state. We need an alternative source of fuel, something cleaner than oil (and coal) and something that will relieve us of our dependence on these foreign countries who are constantly in some sort of chaos and with whom the U.S. always seem to have issues. It would give me no greater pleasure than for our country to be able to tell them to take their overpriced oil and shove it up their collective arses. While I'm on my tirade, I also recently read an article on the mountaintop mining that is taking place in Appalachia. If you don't know anything about it, read up on it. It a shining example of how little the big wigs in the oil and coal industries actually care about the people off whom they're making money. There is a fantastic article in the May issue of Vanity Fair; I read it while I was on the treadmill at the gym and became so angry that my heart rate shot up even more (if you have any sort of environmental conscience it's probably not a good idea to read this article at the gym). The article details the whole process of mountaintop mining and relates that in Whitesville, West Virginia, children are going to school next to an open pit containing highly toxic liquid-the byproduct of cleaning coal. I don't know about you, but I don't want my daughter going to school anywhere near a place where she will be exposed to toxic chemical fumes of any kind, or where she could be the victim of a major accident should the impoundment holding the toxic brew fail and release all of it's foul waste. And I don't care how likey or unlikely it is that this would happen; I would't be willing to take a chance like that with my child's life, and I wouldn't support any company who would. I wonder if Greenpeace knows about this... Well, with that, we're going to go have dinner. I've made myself angry enough.

Passover, etc...

We had a seder at our house for the first time ever on Wednesday night and it was really wonderful. We just had a few friends here and it was very informal, but it was fun and I was happy that we did something to celebrate. By the end of the holiday I will be tired of eating matzah, I'm sure, but for now it's still yummy. I think I'm going to have to change my email IM setting; these creeps keep trying to have a conversation with me, and it's very annoying. They all have such obviously scummy names, too, as if I would actually talk with them. Puhleeze!!! Today it was hot outside; a precursor to the coming heat of summer. I spoke recently with my Colorado friend, and my heart is screaming to go out there. I really need a mountain fix. My soul doesn't feel complete around all of this water and no real forests or raging rivers or mountains. I have the spirit of the forests and mountains within me and it never goes away no matter how much I try to ignore it (because I live in Florida and that's not likely to change any time soon, although I do believe that God creates miracles, so you never know). Ah well.

Strange Life Situations

I'm learning that the older I get, the stranger life becomes. Lately N and I crossed paths with a woman (man???) who has a gender issue. Clearly, she is a woman, but she dresses in men's suits, goes by a man's name and refers to herself, in the third person, as "he". She attends a group N and I also frequent and has taken to using the men's bathroom there, prompting discomfort in many of the men who also use this particular group for support. She has incited the hostility of at least one of the men, who told her in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't be using the men's bathroom. All of this is strange, but the issue that's really bothering me is not her sexual confusion but that fact that lately her personality has taken a rather hostile turn. At first, she seemed to be a kind, fairly calm person. Lately, however, a great deal of anger has been bubbling up from her being, creating emotional outbursts in the meetings and leading me to want to shy away from having any close contact with her. I don't care to expose our daughter to that sort of negative energy at this point in her young life. Having attended both art school and cosmetology school, I've enjoyed friendships with plenty of gay men. Additionally, I've had friends who were lesbians. On some level, I can understand them; I'm straight, but I can acknowledge that women are beautiful, and, certainly, I love men (although, except for my husband, in a purely platonic way). But, I'm about as girly as girls come. It used to offend me when friends would point that out, but it's true. I love clothes, I love make up, I love coloring my hair (sorry, no natural blondes here!). I love being outdoors, hate sitting still, love hanging with the guys, but I love being a girl. I can't relate to wanting to wear men's clothing (puhleeze), having a guy's name (I changed my name because I wanted something more feminine in sound and meaning and also desired a name that gave a nod to my Irish roots). So, I can't relate to this woman on a level of understanding her desire to live a straight lifestyle as a man. I don't see how that can happen for her, but that's none of my business. I just hope that when I see her (she's taken a liking to my husband and I and this has offered her the comfortability to tell us about sexual things which neither of us wants to hear about, especially in front of our daughter) I can detach in a gentle, kind way. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want to hear about her collection of toys or anything like that. It just skeeves me out.

Ahh Swimming in April

We took the baby in the pool for the first time yesterday afternoon. I wasn't half as terrified as I'd thought I'd be seeing her in the water. Actually, despite that I'm not a big fan of H2O, I had fun along with Little R and my dearest N and enjoyed being in the pool. Maybe there is hope for snorkeling this summer... Anyway, it's great that Little R wasn't afraid. She splashed around and had a good time and when we took her out of the pool she kept creeping back over to the stairs and sticking her feet back into the water. Hooray!!! On another note, I'm definitely not pregnant; I'm fighting off some sort of bug (again). I woke up this morning feeling like a bus had hit me while I was sleeping but I feel slightly better now. No little brothers or sisters for my baby girl, at least for now. Hooray!!