Spirituality Revisited

Over the past few months I've written a lot about my spiritual path; it has taken many twists and turns and I've felt much confusion. It doesn't help that everywhere Christian fundamentalists are telling me that if I'm not a Christian I'm going to hell, etc... The thing is, over the past three months that I've been trying to follow this path of Christianity with my husband I've felt more cut off from G-d than ever. I felt like my Judaism was keeping me on a clearer path, giving me ideas I could relate to and understand. In short, it felt like my soul, rather than an outergarment. Last night my husband was watching John Hagee on television and he began ranting about how environmentalists are screwing up our economy (I happen to be one of those environmentalists) by not allowing drilling to take place in the Arctic Refuge because we're trying to protect "some fuzzy little animals". Never mind that any oil found in the refuge isn't going to pull us out of the mess we're in with the oil situation (that is a collosal lie perpetuated by people who have money to be made in the oil industry. Do you think Exxon is going broke-no!!!). I was highly offended by that comment as well as by many other things he said. I used to leave the room when my husband would put him on but I've been trying to be open minded and to learn something. The problem is that in order to learn anything about Judaism you need to talk with a rabbi. Biblical translations don't seem to come out the same way when they are performed by Christians and Jews. For me, I tend to believe the Jewish ones; maybe I'm just biased. I felt like a rabbi never would have made the comments John Hagee made with regard to the oil crisis-at least, the rabbi at my temple wouldn't have. He believes that we are stewards of this earth and have an obligation to care for her. That is a part of how we show our respect for G-d. I've felt over the past three months that I've had to alter my gut feelings and beliefs so much that the ideas I was following didn't feel natural anymore. Now I feel like I can't be something I'm not, that in spite of my best intentions to keep my family unified through one religion I can't deny that part of my soul which is Jewish, which has always been Jewish. My hope is that I'm not offending anyone with this passage; I just felt a need to talk about it. This morning I read a peice on Aish.com called "-In My Father's Footsteps" which talked about how the writer's Father's deep committment to his Judaic path profoundly influenced his son's life in a beautiful way. By the end of the story I was in tears-deep, heartfelt tears. He talks about how in a world where assimilation is so rampant, his father reaffirmed his Jewish beliefs and in doing so gave his son a wonderful gift that he can now pass along to his own children. I encourage you to read it-it's under the "Family" section (http://www.aish.com/family/heart/In_My_Fathers_Footsteps.asp). Everyone must make their own decisions. I know for I cannot continue as I have been, feeling this wall between me and my higher power. Perhaps it comes from my family roots. I'm not sure.