Back Again

I prayed to hear the Song of the World and find that within it I hear a great deal of sadness.

I stumbled upon a blog last night by a man who is deeply unhappy and contemplating suicide. He was sending his thoughts into the blogosphere, maybe just hoping that someone would hear, would listen, would understand. I noticed that no one had responded and so wrote my own message. Drawing on my own struggles with the evil demon of depression, I attempted to help him make sense of what he is feeling, to maybe, in some way, ease his pain a bit by listening. I don't know if any of what I wrote helped him, if he understood that I truly have been in that place of despair which he is now inhabiting, although in a different form of existence, for sure. I can't fully understand his pain because I don't live in his body or in his mind. I don't know if he just thought I was full of b.s. I hope not. I searched for his blog tonight but couldn't locate it again. I was very tired when I came upon it last night and didn't mark the page. I hope that he

is okay tonight. Funny how words on a page can effect us so deeply.

I hear the Song of the World and I join in the Song...

Blahdy Blahdy Blah

For whatever reason, I have been in a melancholy mood for the past three days. I just can't seem to shake it for any duration of time. I can shake it off for a couple of hours, but then it returns again, knocking me into the blue again. I took Little One the Arts Park near our home today. It's an old park in the center of Hollywood that's been renovated to the point that it's almost unrecognizable as the old park. This is a good thing; the park as it was before was okay, but mostly just attracted homeless people and squirrels. I recall having lunch there once when I worked at a nearby office building and fearing for my life (those squirrels can be vicious). Anyway, we had a good time. Bebe played with some other kids there and we had fun on the playground equipment, which is really a sort of functional artwork- mounted discs that spin around, cat tails made out of flexible metal with stands toward the bottoms, a rope tree. The park also offers a sprinkler system that the kids can run around in when it's hot, as well as gorgeous landscaping and a new, quite large fountain. Being there lifted my spirits. I felt great until we had to venture out of the park again, into society. Our trip to the closest grocery store was almost frightening-characters of all description wandering about the isles. Back on the street, things weren't much better. For all of the re-building, painting and sprucing up that's being done to make Hollywood more attractive to potential businesses and residents, so much of the scene is the same. Maybe the mood I'm in is coloring my perception, but I don't think so. Being kind of a freaky, artsy chick, I like kind of freaky, artsy people, but that's not the type of people who are walking around the area, for the most part. I'm not exaggerating when I say that some of the people I saw in the grocery store looked like escaped inmates from some nearby insane asylum- the walking dead and the half crazed. To make matters worse, on my way home while I was stopped at the train tracks some big headed jerkoff started trying to inch by me in his SUV to turn into a local business. Apparently, he thought it was worth hitting my car just to get into the place a second sooner. Aggravated that he couldn't wait the half second until I could move forward and let him go by, I turned around and let him know just how annoyed with him I was. I'm glad he didn't hit my car, but I had to stop myself from pulling into the parking lot and telling him what a fat headed ignoramous I thought he was after I heard him call me an insulting but not very creative name. Sighs upon sighs. I think that after I give Little One a bath and we all eat dinner I should go to bed.

The Past Re-Visited

Watching old love ones crash and burn is never an easy or pleasant experience. Thus was the case tonight, as I talked with my ex from four years ago and listened as he told me about what has been going on in his life as of late. He'd been with the same girl for quite some time and had a child with her, a very cute little boy. Then, she became pregnant again, which created a situation of much fear and stress, yada yada yada. I don't know the whole story, of course, but now she's gone and he's freaking out and it's become a very volatile situation for him. She's out of the country but he's become a raving lunatic and I'm concerned for his safety and the safety of everyone around him. Of course, it's none of my business these days. I have my own family and my own life and what is happening in his life is not my responsibility or direct concern anymore. Still, I can't help but worry a bit, even if it's in silence. I know people who have broken up with a significant other never to think of them in a kind way again. I could never understand this. I mean, unless the break up involves some really horrible circumstance, how can you stop caring about the person? It isn't really healthy for me to think about my ex's current predicament too much, and I won't dwell on it, but I hope that life turns around for him. It's sad when we don't learn enough from past mistakes not to repeat them. I got a second chance at a family and I'm grateful. Every day I try to work on my own character defects (with varying degrees of success) so that I can be a good partner and a good Mom. It's so important to me to give my all in my family life. I hope that, for me, that will be enough-the willingness to grow and the ability to to the same.

A New Week Ahead

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http://www.sluv.net/" >Sexy & Romantic glitter graphics from S e x i l u v . c o m

We had a good weekend. Saturday was fairly boring, since Hubby didn't feel good and I was unmotivated to take Little One out by ourselves. Today we went downtown with some friends who also have a small child (he's two). Our friends also were sitting around the house bored to tears with nothing in mind to do and so called us to see if were interested in hanging out, which, of course, we were. We had lunch at a restaurant at nearby Riverwalk in Fort Lauderdale, walked around a bit, and then came back to our house. The weather was GLORIOUS today-breezy and warm with a much lower humidity level from what we've had to endure during the summer months. Could fall finally be here??? The boys went riding while P and I hung out at the little park in our development. It was a fun day; I wish they lived closer to us so we could go out together more often. I did locate a homeschooling group which looks promising. Whether or not we decide to homeschool our daughter, the group might provide a good starting ground for us. She is so inquisitive now and I feel I need some support in providing her with some early education. Also, meeting some other area Moms would be great! I find I Iearn so much through interacting with other parents, and the social aspect of doing so is something I need as well. It's been three years since I've been in an out of the home work environment and some days I crave contact with other adults!

Blooming Childhood

It's amazing how much having a child makes us willing to work on our own character defects, to chip away at our flaws, dig deep within ourselves for reserves of inner strength and courage we never knew we had, to push ourselves and give of ourselves happily, to do whatever it takes in an effort to raise a well adjusted and happy child. I've been a Mom for three years now, blessed with the gift of this beautiful little girl who fills my every day with purpose and sunshine. For the first two years, being a Mom was a fairly simple job. My daughter was happy with just about everything we did whether it was hanging out at one of the many playgrounds in our area, going for a walk, playing at home with her toys. Even shopping was an adventure to be savored. Now that she's three, I've been suddenly hit with the realization that this little person needs more creative ways of spending her time. We've been doing educational activities together since she was very young, such as learning how to count and learning colors. For a time, she was doing great with her letters but lately she's been forgetting them, and I was struck by the fact that she's forgetting them because I've been slacking off with regard to teaching her. For some parents, this might not be disturbing. My daughter is, after all, only three and it's not as if she should be reading the Iliad by now. But, because I'm tossing around the idea of homeschooling and have even applied to join a group of parents here in Florida who homeschool (I believe that a group is the way to go for us, since this guarantees interaction between other kids and between the parents), I feel badly that I've somehow dropped this ball. The good thing to come from this feeling of inadequacy is that now I'm ready to do something about it. Today, my daughter and I spent a chunk of our day working on letters and letter sounds. She has a letter game which assisted us with this and I have a lesson plan downloaded from an online site which we will work on later. We spent some time outside on her tricycle, and now my little one is pedaling on her own, despite not wanting to try at first because she was fearful of falling over. A little encouragement and a birdfeeding segway helped me to nudge her into climbing onto the bike and starting along. And, we spent some time just hanging out, playing. I was amazed at how easy it was for me to spend quality time with her and still get my other work done, and I know that even on busy days a little determination and lots of good time management should keep us on track.

I'm glad that I have the tools of recovery and spirituality in my life to help me deal with issues that otherwise would completely overwhelm me. Because of my program of recovery, I am unwilling to sit in a puddle of helplessness and let despair and fear seep into me until I'm rendered inactive. Fear makes me uncomfortable; when confronted with it in any of its many forms my reaction is usually to find a solution that makes me feel more comfortable. Sometimes this takes ten minutes, sometimes this takes two weeks. In the end, however, I cannot stay in fear indefinitely because I know that reveling in it for too long will lead only to destruction of some sort. Now that I have a child, inaction is no longer an option. From my spiritual path, I gleaned some very important information this morning through doing some spiritual work, work that is more easy to do at this time of year when the veil between the worlds is a bit thinner and ancestral contact a bit easier.

I am grateful in this day.

White Dove Re-Visit

**I found this image from a website called Greater Goods (greatergoodsonline.com). They appear to be a pretty cool site, selling merchandise from artists the world over, buying from companies who support Fair Trade. Check them out if you have a chance.**

The day before yesterday I was outside looking for White Dove; although I know she will eventually make her way to another location I have grown used to her presence and am enjoying her daily visits. At first I didn't see her. Then, I noticed her perched on the roof of one of the homes across from us, looking down at a fellow who was looking up at her. I saw him point her out to his friend, who glanced at her briefly, apparently too occupied with her own day to take notice of this super cool bird. Later, I went outside to bring our trash to the dumpster and spotted White Dove soaring with a pack of pigeons, her white body a pretty contrast to the blue of the autumn sky and to the dark bodies of the birds with whom she was flying. Yesterday morning one of the two meditational books I read on a daily basis contained a reading about animal spirits and how they sometimes enter our lives bearing a message of some sort. I thought about what sort of message White Dove might be relaying to me, and considered the sight of her flying freely through the sky, oblivious to the differences between her and her flying companions. She cared not that she was different from her fellow birds, no self-consciousness held her back from gliding through the warm October air. I smiled to myself, thinking that sometimes -not always, but sometimes- I suffer from the malady of self consciousness. My religious beliefs are different from those of mainstream society, my appearance can sometimes reach the boudaries of artsiness, my thoughts run deeper than those of so many of the people I meet during the day (I mean, come on-I've been going on about this bird for days!!). Sometimes I feel like I landed here many years ago from another country on some other plane of existence. I know that I need to watch those feelings of "apartness", lest they deter me from growing, from participating fully in life, from using the gifts I've been given to the fullest and for the greatest good. In the same vein, I cannot afford to let fear separate me from a spiritual path that is deeply meaningful and extraordinarily special to me , or to allow apprehension to keep me from passing this wonderful tradition on to my daughter, thereby depriving her of some of the richness of the things I've learned from it (and will continue to learn). White Dove did not arrive yesterday, but she visited us today. I fed her some bread and thanked her for her gift.

Homesick Blues

I was sitting in my usual spot at the kitchen table, guzzling my morning coffee and reading a book I just purchased entitled "Cottage Witchery" by Ellen Dugan when suddenly I was overcome with a sadness that brought tears to my eyes. Something she wrote (I can't remember what it was now, being a busy Mom who is almost always doing more than two things at a time) touched a chord deep within my being. I was overcome with a feeling of loss over being so far from my family and from the places where I grew up and where my childhood memories are. It's not like I'm in a mental place where I hate Florida today (although I do occasionally experience those days); if anything, I've been content since I returned from our trip to Massachusetts. I love our little home and our tiny garden and the local wildlife (which consists of birds, fish and iguanas), as well as the friends and acquaintances I have here. My recent trip home was difficult on an emotional level, so when I came back south I felt a sense of calm, like I was safe within my own world once again. I do miss my family, though, and the energies of New England. It's where I'm from and a part of her will always run in my veins. The sadness was only momentary; I went on with my day, too busy to consider it much further. But, it was so sharp, so gut wrenching in the moment, like a hard pinch underneath the arm that takes you by surprise. And now, here I am in the moment, as my daughter runs upstairs to show me what a brilliant shade of pink she's painted her big toe!

October Wind

This picture comes from Shelley Walsh, from a gallery I found online entitled "Rural Warrington". They are beautiful pictures that really make me think of the Fall season back home.

October is here in the South, but it's difficult to feel it. This morning I sat on the cool stones of my patio, white candle lit, saying my morning prayers to the God/Goddess, when I felt a slight breeze that spoke to me of brightly colored leaves, misty mornings and the faintest scent of wood smoke from the fireplaces of nearby homes. If I "listen" hard enough, I can feel autumn even here, where the temperatures are still rising to the 80's.

A Visitor

This little girl showed up yesterday out of the blue, quite literally. I'm actually not sure if the bird is a girl, but I've been calling her that because she seems to have a girly vibe. Bebe and I were getting ready to go out when I saw her across the street. People were walking by here, glancing at her briefly, and then continueing on their way without giving her much thought, but I thought she was beautiful in that she's completely white and has huge eyes. After standing on the sidewalk for a moment watching her, she toddled across the street and stood on the sidewalk next to us, giving us the observatory bird side eye. I was amazed that she was tame enough to venture so close to us (especially to my daughter, who is in the crazy three stage). When we returned home a couple of hours later I was surprised to see her still on the sidewalk, back on the other side of our street. I enticed her back to us with some birdfood, and when my husband arrived home he fed her as well. This morning when Bebe and I walked him out to his truck White Bird was still there, waiting patiently to be fed again, maybe. I obliged her by giving her a meal of some rolls, and while she was eating I checked her over a bit visually. Her wings appear to be fine, nothing hanging where it shouldn't be and no feathers clipped. I don't know if she was once someone's family member or if she just wandered here by chance, nor do I know how long she will stay with us. It's special and cool to have a member of nature come hang out for awhile, though. It's rare that we get to interact with the animal world at such a close level.

A Possibly Fried Compressor

I think our fridge is on it's way to being broken. It was fine as of yesterday, making not a peep out of the ordinary, but this morning it began making a funny whistling noise and now every time it cycles on it starts sounding like it's about to sprout wings and take off for the clouds. It seems like the compressor might be getting ready to take a crap and I'm none too happy about that, since we have quite a bit of food in the fridge and it can be difficult getting things fixed when landlords are involved. I'm projecting, however. Maybe it won't be a problem at all. I wish I could just wave my wand and the problem would be solved, but my magic doesn't generally work that way. I guess I could try...

Alternatively, I can dream about the above model, a Northstar retro fridge which runs around $4,000.00. It's my favorite color and looks like it belongs in June Cleaver's house. Wouldn't it look great with a black skull and crossbones profile on it?

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Blogger isn't cooperating with me tonight and I'm too tired to fight with the site. I got Bebe into bed ontime (I've been struggling with trying to get a reasonable schedule going and think I'm finally winning the battle - I'm so undisciplined) and, although I felt tired, I pulled out my paints and worked on my painting for awhile. I was a little bit tired at first but was buoyed by the thought that the only time I will ever have to be creative is at night after my daughter has gone to bed and the house is quiet. There isn't any time left in the day anymore; it seems like every minute is filled with doing work for N, raising our daughter, cleaning house, running errands, cooking. It's insane how busy I am most days; I swear I'm busier nowadays than I was when I worked at the law office. Anyway, the important thing is that I got a little painting in tonight. If I can keep doing this a few times a week (and once I start I feel great because art is one of my passions) I should be able to get this painting done and to its rightful owner. That leaves me free to work on other peices, which I'm excited about. I'm EXHAUSTED now and am going to find my way to bed.

Monday Again

The party went well on Saturday. All the kids we invited showed up (although I had a moment of Mommy anxiety since most everyone showed up a little bit late and I feared no one would show at all), there were lots of games for the kids to play, we had plenty of food, Bebe got lots of cool gifts, and everyone seemed to have a good time. The only bad moment was when Chuck E. Cheese came out to do his Chucky dance and one of my daughter's friends started screaming in terror. My best friend's husband whispered, "No one likes a rat." to my husband, which I thought was funny, and I told little Dez that I thought Chucky was a bit scary also. As for Bebe, she laughed and blew out her candles, almost in one puff. How did she get to be three so quickly?

Friday night we had a small family party with just one friend, Bebe's Godfather. I made an eggplant baked ziti ala Rachael Ray and we let Bebe open her gifts from us, a big dollhouse and a couple of other things. Earlier that day I was reminded of just how tenuous life can be, and just how vulnerable our little ones are as children and how vulnerable we are as parents. Our daughter gave us a quite a scare, the details of which I won't go into, but suffice to say that I am grateful today that we had some good spirits looking out for us on Friday. There is nothing like parenthood to make a person realize how fragile life can be, for the love of a parent for a child is like no other kind of love that exists on this earth!

Sweet Blessings

Bubbe's kitty showed up a couple of days ago, after almost one whole week of being missing. We don't know where she was, only that she was clean upon her arrival home, if not a bit sickish. I'd put a couple of posters around town in the hopes that someone would find her and call; I'm not sure if her sudden appearance at 3AM had anything to do with that. I think that probably she just escaped from wherever she was; it'd been raining here for days while she was gone so she must have been sheltered someplace. I did a meditation the day before she returned. Bubbe had feared the worst, but when I did the meditation I had a very strong feeling that she was alive and basically okay but feeling not feeling well. I'm relieved that she returned home; she is Bubbe's companion and one of the only creatures keeping her sane these days, when her life seems to be filled with so much difficulty.

Hubby and I bought our daughter her birthday presents today while a friend babysat. I think she will be excited when she opens them-we bought her a dollhouse with some additional furniture, and a Leap Frog letter spelling toy with the money my aunt sent to buy her something from us. The party is set for Saturday and today I found out from a girl friend that she will probably be coming with her little daughter. Hooray!!!! Another little one at the party!!!! I think my friend L in Miami will also be in attendance, which makes me happy as we've been close for many years and I'd hoped she'd be able to make it.

Another day closes.

Saturday Sunshine

Ah, Saturday. Hubby and I both overslept this morning which created a rush for both of us in the early hours. He had to work today and I, as always, have tons of stuff to do. I stopped by I's house yesterday for a bit. Her cat has not surfaced yet and my search around the neighborhood turned up nil. It's very depressing; I've no idea where she could've wandered off to and hope that I's inkling that someone hurt her turns out to have no basis in reality. My experience with some of the less desirable humans on our planet has shown me that, alas, evil, animal-hurting people do exist. I felt sad when I left I's house. The idea of being sixty five years old and utterly alone in a small apartment terrifies me. This woman had it all years ago-money, a nice family, a beautiful house up north plus a condo in South Florida. Now, suddenly, she's here by herself, her one son died a year ago, her other isn't speaking with her. I think the dysfunction of it all has triggered me to want to help her fix things, which I can't really do. Because it reminds me so much of my own familial dysfunction (of which I'm not much a part of these days because I live over 1000 miles away from everyone) I have a deep desire to soothe the pain she's experiencing. Being a friend is always a good thing; it's just important for me to not lose sight of the responsibilities I have to my own life. One of the problems I've experienced in the past is not dealing with my own problems by getting lost in those of other people. I can't do that today-not that I have so many problems right now, but I do have responsibilities. Today, I'll make and print out some lost cat flyers to post around town (although with all the rain we're having I'm not sure where I'll post them), give my self a manicure/pedicure (my nails look horrid because I hate doing them and never have the time besides), send out birthday invites, deposit a check into my account so I'll have money to run the house with next week, buy cat food because my cat is snubbing the food I've been giving her (so particular, that one), and maybe do a craft with Little One. We have a craft to do in honor of the arrival of autumn. It's already 12:30, so now I'm really in a rush. No discipline do I have. Sigh.

Birthdays and Other Sundries

I reserved a party at Chuck E. Cheese for little one for next Saturday, so that's off my mind somewhat now. I'm relieved, actually, because usually we do parties at our house and that means I spend more time in the kitchen than I do hanging out with our friends. It will be more fun for our daughter, and it will mean zero cleanup for me after the festivities have ended.

Today we need to run errands. It's a rainy grey day here and I would like nothing more than to stay here making Halloween/Autumn crafts with Little One, but work needs to be done in spite of my not wanting to do it. I have to go to FedEx, the Humane Society (a friend of mine is missing her cat and I said I'd check there since she can't get out), Walgreens (twice), my friend's house, the library to drop off a video (they only let you take the cursed things out for five days). I'm tired just thinking about all of this stuff. And the work I have to complete also entails some things I need to do at home in the way of cleaning and writing out the ever present bills. Sigh.

So far we have an autumn leaf garland, some orange sparkly skeletons, a spider web and spider that I made from black construction paper this morning, and a few store bought tchatches of the Halloween nature as our seasonal decorations. Somehow, I'm turning into a Martha Steward wannabe or something. How did I go from rock and roll to Martha Stewart Living???? She's been to jail, so she's kind of tough now, right? Whatever. Suddenly I'm a suburban house Mom. No minivan though. No minivan.

Friiiiiddddaayyyy

Well, the landlady agreed to help us out by paying the security to the commandos, but she doesn't really have the money to fork over any more than we do and my gut tells me that this whole situation is going to end badly someplace. I did a meditation session this morning where I came to the conclusion that it's possibly time to leave the place that has been our home for the past year; I don't really want to move out, and I'm not sure yet that we will, but there are some factors that I'm uncomfortable with and this might be God's way of telling us that other things are in our future and we need to move toward those things. We've been wanting to buy a house, but it's so expensive to buy here! The taxes are high, home prices are high, the cost of gas here is higher (by about .20) than it was when I was in Mass., the cost of living is high. Are we in Florida or California? The prices of homes aren't quite as high here as they are on the west coast, but we're approaching that era, I believe. That is, if people keep moving here. I bumped into ANOTHER friend the other day who has had enough of this place and is moving to Tennessee with his wife. The only people who seem to keep moving to Florida are people from other countries. Apparently, they are the only ones who can afford to be here. That said, I'm not sure if we could even buy a house right now. Maybe we could rent one....'tis a vicious cycle.

Oy Vay is All I Can Say

We had a fantastic day, my little one and I, at least until I received a frantic telephone call from the lady who owns the unit we live in. Have I mentioned how much I HATE condo association nazis? Especially the ones here??? The first part of our day was spent hanging out at the library with some girl friends of mine and their kids. After that we all went to lunch and the kids got to hang out some more while the adults talked. It was nice spending time with the girls; they are hands down two of the coolest women I've met in the whole time I've been here in South Florida. Good friends are difficult to come by in these parts, and I've been blessed with more than one so I count myself among the fortunate. After lunch we all parted ways and Bebe and I went to a mystical sort of store that I love. I have been frequenting the place for many years and am familiar with the owners. After I browsed the store for a bit I settled on some candles, oil and incense that I needed, chatted with one of the owners, then left for home. It was on the way back to the house that my cell phone rang. Not recognizing the phone number that showed on the caller ID, I let the call go to voice mail. I have a fairly strict policy about not answering calls when I don't recognize the number, as most of the people with whom I converse on a daily basis are programmed into my cell. To say that I'm glad I did NOT answer the call would be an understatement, as I need to gather myself before I call this woman back. I like the woman who owns the place where we live and I have no idea what to say to her. Also, I have a distinct feeling that I'm not going to like what she is going to say to me. Apparently, the commandos aren't satisfied with the package I completed for them (which contained any and all relevant information they should need for us to stay here) and want me to fill out another one (like I do nothing all day and have time to dick around with a bunch of people who are so obviously just trying to make it impossible for renters to stay here). They are also giving the unit owner a hard time and threatening all sorts of legal fees, which I sincerely hope she doesn't expect us to pay since we signed nothing agreeing to pay legal fees arising from her not proceding along the correct avenue when we moved in. The bottom line is that we would never have moved into this place had we been aware that the association would require an additional $1000.00 on top of the large sum of money we paid to the owner when we moved in (first, last, yada yada). We were not even aware that the management company had an issue with renters living here. It seems funny to me that I grew up in an area where the average home would cost a person wanting to move there close to a million dollars. I lived in a house with a huge backyard and went to a good school in a nice, suburban area with very little crime and a killer high school basketball team. I look at the people who live here and I laugh that so many of the residents walk around with their noses in the air acting like they're the balls because they live here. We live in nice townhomes right next to the highway, a marina, a garbage incinerator, and an ugly main road. Our health insurance went up right after we moved here, with the reason being that the area we now live in is more unhealthy than the one we moved from (although health insurance companies need little reason to raise their rates anyway). The real estate market here is shaky at best; there are places in here for sale that aren't selling. People who bought theses places as investments are getting into trouble because they can't sell the units and are renting in an effort to keep them. So, if the management company wants to act like a bunch of immature jacksticks, they can enjoy managing a community full of foreclosures and empty units. Sounds like paradise to me! As for us, we'll probably have to move yet again, hopefully into a less controversial environment.

Feeling Pretty Good

here on this rainy day. I spent some time at a friend's house last night helping her get her apartment straightened out a little bit. She's been feeling under the weather and unable to do this sort of thing so it was nice to be able to give her a bit of a hand. I arrived home last night at close to 11PM, tumbled into bed, and woke up at 6AM to face the new day. I decided that I'm not going to obsess over this Dominican Republic job. It might happen, it might not happen, it might happen and be a great thing. Who knows what my HP has planned for us? Maybe he'll take the job and the time that I have to myself will allow me to focus more on my artwork. I have a playdate with a girl friend and her kids today. Little One will have fun. It's a stormy, grey day outside and not a good day for anything but indoor activities, and they have a nice house filled with positive energy (a contrast to my friend's house last night, which made me feel slightly sad and drained-it's horrible to be older and alone) and it will be nice to hang out with her and watch the kids doing kid things. Ciao!

And Now for My Next Trick...

let me pull a map of the Dominican Republic out of my ass. This is the newest surprise in my life-the possibility that my husband will be going out of town to do a job here. I keep telling him I will follow him anywhere as long as it's Colorado or California!! At any rate, we're not invited on this trip; he was only looking into getting a passport for himself, which causes me much anxiety and inner conflict. He seems to have so much work here in Florida right now, but I suppose he's thinking about the possibility that any day now the construction industry could dry up. I'm not happy about it; after he told me about the trip I felt sick to my stomach. I never would've made a good military wife. Then again, I always swore I would never marry someone in the military because I know that I do not have the personality to worry constantly about my husband being in situations where he could get blown up or worse. I very much admire those women able to deal with this sort of thing, but I'm not one of them. Call it a personality defect, if you want, but I just call it knowing one's own limitations. We have a three year old child who can't stand to be separated from her father for a few hours, let alone several days (weeks? who knows?). I suppose I'm projecting all sorts of negative possibility. Already I'm thinking that if he takes this one job, then the next time an out of town gig comes up it will be that much easier for him to say yes to it, and pretty soon he'll be away all the time. Of course, we're not even at that point, and we may never be, but my mind is just running away, imagining weeks of taking care of a little one alone while my husband is on the road. Oh, and what about those beautiful Dominican women? It's too much to contemplate. On another note, a good friend of ours just came back from California and wants to move out there. He was flying back from a trip to Alaska (he owns a small aircraft) and made a few stops, among them California and Nevada, and said that when he returned to Florida after feasting his eyes on the sheer majesty of the mountains and the beauty of the forests out west well-he said he felt like he'd been plopped back down into a mucky swamp. Yup. Pretty accurate. There is good and bad everywhere. Preference of habitat comes down to what a person likes and dislikes. I love the mountains, the ocean, and old wooded areas. We boast two out of three of those things here, but the mindset here is so different from the west coast. Alas, Florida is where we're stuck, at least for now. I have lots of friends here who I would miss if we went away, but so many of them seem to be leaving lately that I sometimes wonder if we won't wake up one day to find ourselves alone here anyway!!!

Happy Yom Kippur

Tonight starts Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. It's a pretty serious day as holidays go, and a time of the year meant for reflection and figuring out ways that we can improve in the coming year. I think, also, that it's a good time of year for forgiving the wrongs done to us during the past months, for in doing so we free ourselves up mentally and spiritually. Holding grudges and concentrating on the slights of other people prevents us from really looking at ourselves and making the decision to be better people, and prevents us from becoming as healthy as we are able to be. When has anger and resentment ever felt good? I mean, harboring a bit of darkness over an incident that hurt your feelings, or cost you money, or harmed you in any way at all might feel good initially. After all, we're not obligated to allow people to trample over us. Over time, however, these feelings can mutate into a much uglier emotional state, and even lead us to become more bitter people who view humanity as a whole as a cruel, hopeless lot. This is a tragic condition, because there are so many out in the world whose aim it is to do good, to do right, to use their talents and abilities to help other people (which, in the end, is what really brings us happiness). That said, you never know how much your kind words, or your smile, or your offer of help could effect someone else in a positive way, maybe even change the course of his or her life for good. I hope everyone celebrating Yom Kippur this year finds the holiday to be positively transformative, and that, regardless of your chosen spiritual path (I also follow Celtic spirituality and enjoy the reflect aspect of the Celtic holidays of this time of year as well), this day finds you sweet rather than bitter, happy rather than sad, healthy rather than sick, and of a giving and generous heart.

You scored as Mary Read, You are very unconventional, you defy the rules as often as you can and like to take as many risks as possible. You will probably end up living happily under a bridge somewhere laughing at all the unsavory deeds you once instigated. Mary Read 92% Captain James T. Hook 75% Captain Jack Sparrow 67% Black Beard 67% Long John Silvers 50% Sinbad 50% Morgan Adams 50% Dread Pirate Roberts 33% Captain Barbosa 17% Will Turner 17% What kind of Pirate are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Hmmm, I took the pirate quiz and this is what I came up with. Pretty right on, although I hope to never be living under a bridge!!! Arghhh!!!! Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!

WOW

So, on Saturday one of my husband's employees died right in front of him. He tried to save him, as did the paramedics when they arrived, but there was nothing anyone could do. As far as the doctor at the hospital could figure out on the fly, he died from a massive heart attack. Wow. He was just here at our house on Monday and, just like that, he's gone. This definitely emphasizes to me how important it is to live each day to the fullest (yes, I did paint today-not for very long, but for any hour or so) and also to watch the things that go into our bodies. I try to cook healthy foods, but once in awhile I slip up, and sometimes we're not aware of how much yucky fat and such is in the foods we eat. Thankfully, we eat home most nights so I know what's going into the food I'm preparing (food recalls aside...now there's a recall on Dole salad mix) and I can control ingredients like salt and butter. Smart Balance is great! Anyway, the funeral is going to be in Pennsylvania, since he was from there, so we'll probably send some flowers. I need to call and find out when it's going to be. Abundant sighs..

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig

Well, Massachusetts was great. I got to spend lots of time with my Mom, and over the first weekend I was there DH flew up and we went to a graduation/birthday party for my sister, brother and me (my sister graduated from college and my brother and I were each celebrating birthdays, two days apart). Things got fairly crazy but no fights or drunken driving; the worst incident that occurred was a half drunk guy talking trash to a girl who I think might have been his girlfriend at one time and that was over pretty fast. On Sunday we went to the King Richard's Faire in Carver with two of my brothers, my sis in law and my one brother's girlfriend. DH bought me a birthday gift of some cool jewelry (I love silver), we ate some food, laughed a lot, and just generally hung out and had a good time. My little one was very overwhelmed by the traveling experience and was a bit crazy for the duration of the trip. My Mom, who is used to living a quiet, albeit busy, life, had some difficulty with the toddler insanity, but we got through it mostly okay. She was able to walk us to the gate at the airport when it was time to leave, which airport staff doesn't usually allow, so we had some extra time to hang out before boarding time came. By then I was teary eyed and not very happy; the only thing that kept me from completely breaking down on the plane was the fact that my almost three year old daughter was with me and I didn't want to upset her. This was a good thing; because of her I was able to pull myself together in spite of my sadness and focus on the good things and people I was coming home to rather than the good people and things I was leaving behind. Which brings me to this: Today I found out my friend Jo Ann scored us free High Holiday tickets. Yay!!!!! We'll both get to be good Jews this year and attend Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services, thanks to the good will of some kind hearted temple members who felt bad for us poor little Jewish girls (I seriously could not afford the $150.00 ticket this year!!!). So, I had good news to greet me amidst the craziness of all the work which piled up for me while I was out of town, and the landlord telling me we're going to have to shell out more money to the blasted condo association because they want an additional security deposit and blah blah. These people are crazy! Anyway, happy Monday!

Start Spreadin' the News

We're leavin' today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At roughly 3pm my daughter and I will get on a plane (we're flying Southwest Airlines) bound for Providence, Rhode Island, where my Mom and friend David will meet us and we'll head across the border to Massachusetts, my beloved home state. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and my home turf. I've missed both terribly. DH said today that he would move to the Cape in a second if he could figure out how to work there. He knows I want to go back to school for art therapy and that I could do it there. Then, over time, I could become an art therapist like I dream of and he could play golf and whatever. I'd better start working on that portfolio; you never know when God will throw you a curve ball that gives you a chance to actually go forward on a path you've been practically begging Him to be able to tread. I've known many a person for whom this has happened; I just spoke a few days ago with a woman at the bank who is moving back home to Maryland after being here for ten years. She sited missing her family as the foremost reason for the leave, as well as having tired of our endless summers. This is yet another person leaving Florida; I've known so many over the past few years. Why can't it be us? I want this to happen under the best of circumstances (ie, I don't want something traumatic to necessitate a move and have been clear about that in my prayers) and for the good of all of us. I know those of you living in climates where it gets cold during the winter months probably can't understand my pining for my home state. All I can say is live where I do for awhile. Some people never want to leave, but for the majority of people I've known here over the years, the novelty of living in the subtropics wears off after a time, and the longing for other places creeps into their souls. This has definitely been the case for me. There is a longing within my soul that plumbs the depths of the oceans deepest reaches. It cannot be squelched and it cannot be ignored. Wow! It's almost 11am. I have to finish up my packing and get my daughter and myself ready to get out of here. I don't want to be rushing around at the last minute like I always seem to be! Have a great weekend!

Boston Bound in a Few Days!!!

I'm so excited!!!! My daughter and I leave for Massachusetts (we're actually flying in to Rhode Island) on Saturday afternoon, arriving just in time for dinner at Pizzeria Uno, or wherever the mood takes my Mom and my friend David and me. While I hate flying for various reasons, I'm looking forward to our arrival in my home state. It's been way too long since we've been there and I will cherish every moment we spend on hometown ground. (BTW, I didn't take the above picture but hope to have lots of my own when I return to South Florida.) This week is going to be all about tying up loose ends, such as getting the necessary bills paid out and updating DH's qualifier's license so he doesn't get jammed up with permits and inspections while I'm gone. Among the hats I wear, secretary is one them and when I'm gone he's left to writing his bills out by hand and having to do all of his own footwork. It's actually one of the things I dislike about going out of town, although he manages just fine without me. Last year he was happy to have me back to help out again, but I think he'll enjoy a few days of pseudo-bachelorhood just the same. Seeing our friends yesterday was fantastic; they reminded me of how much we need to make our own way in the world and do what is best for us and our immediate family in spite of what we'd like to be doing for the rest of our family and, in some cases, to soothe our own homesickness. I will try to keep that in mind while I'm in the Bay State, but it's always difficult. I miss my family terribly and while I'm visiting with them all I can think is that I never want to have to leave them again, snow or no snow. Well, lots to do today, so I'm out.

Sunday Fun

Today was great. We went to a party at a friend's house and had a chance to spend some time with a couple we've known for a long time who moved up to North Florida about a year ago. So far, they love it up there. They are living in a rural area and enjoy the feel of the place; people are friendly, everything is very family oriented, and the pace of life is much slower than it is here in South Florida. One of the biggest misconceptions I hear from people when I go back home to visit is that the pace of life here is slower. Definitely that is not the case here in South Florida. While things here may be a bit more casual, life is as hectic here as it was in Boston. We just don't have to deal with tunneling our cars out of snow banks during the winter months (a benefit for sure!!!). J and R want us to visit them up north and I'm looking forward to it. For them, this move was a chance to re-invent themselves a bit and be apart from the whole "former partner of" bit. I'd like to do the same-just get away from all the old stuff, old relationships (didn't you used to go out with John???). Time will tell where we will end up. I'm not sure if North Florida would be a happy place for us, but it sure sounds great!

Saturday Night

We have a baby sitter tonight so DH and I are going to ride the motorcycle to Fort Lauderdale for the Easy Rider Block Party. As usual, I'm ecstatic to be getting out of the house but reluctant to leave my daughter with anyone. It's not the sitter, it's just my own insecurity about leaving the most important little person in my life with someone else. By the end of the night I'll be glad to come back home. Nothing exciting about today; we sat around for most of it after sleeping late. After being sick I think we all needed the rest; recovery is dependent upon getting enough sleep but I hate sleeping! I think about all of the things I could be doing if I didn't have to sleep but my energy gives out and at last I relent. Then I can't get up in the morning because I've stayed up too late. DH spray painted the fence we have around our garden green, in the hopes that the other people here will stop complaining that we've put up a fence without first consulting with the "Association". Ah, the dreaded Condo Commandos. DH and I have agreed wholeheartedly that we never want to purchase a condo. I personally would probably smack someone during the first association meeting I was forced to attend. I can't stand people who can't keep their long, twisted noses out of business of other people. To me condo associations are just groups of people who are bent on ruining the happiness of other people. Well, at least some of the people involved in these associations are of this type of person- I'm convinced of that after living here. Today we noticed that "No fishing" signs have been posted around the pond (which everyone here likes to call a lake, even though it's not). Because there are fish within the pond, some of the young neighborhood kids have been fishing occasionally out back. I guess some of the residents living in the units abutting the pond didn't like looking out their back doors and seeing kids fishing out there, so they squashed the fishing. How sad. It's not like there was a whole lot of fishing going on; this was an occasional pasttime of some of the kids. Now they'll just get bored and start trying to figure out what else they can do and people will complain that they are skate boarding, or hanging out too much around the tot playground, or sitting on the fence. I LONG for a house in the country, away from here. Anyway, that's all for now. I need to get ready to get out of here for a few hours!

Quiet Monday

No real action here today. The only thing I'm baffled by is that we all seem to be sick again. WTF???!!! I am now firmly convinced that we live in a yucky area and that the only solution to being sick all the time is leaving. DH and I discussed that maybe we have some sort of mold problem in the a/c vents. Mold is a common occurrence down here due to the hot, muggy weather; if a homeowner/apartment renter doesn't keep the air at around seventy six degrees max at all times, the air inside becomes too welcoming for mold and it can begin to grow in places like cabinets as well as areas unseen, such as in air ducts. I've heard lots of people complaining that they've been sick an unusual amount this year, though, and my relatives up north are not experiencing the same problem. This tells me that something is going on with the area we live in. I wish we could just get the hell out of here. I want to be back with my family again. (She lets out a big sigh and signs off.)

Fricky on Friday

Okay, so there's no such word as "fricky" and the above pictures have nothing to do with anything that happened today, but "fricky" sounds better with the word Friday than "icky" which is how I feel, and the pictures makes me happy when I look at them, which makes me feel less icky. Taking a deep breath now.... Anyway, that's my little family, a few months back.

As far as today, I felt okay when I woke up but feel nauseas now, and felt likewise for the past three days. I swear that on Tuesday morning I woke up, ate breakfast, and then threw up so hard that I actually popped a blood vessel underneath my eye, just above my cheekbone, and now I have a wicked looking black eye. Prior to this happening I was unaware that a black eye could be obtained this way, and I'm surprised that in all of my former years of drinking this never occurred. Of course, I went to a meeting last night and everyone there asked me how I got the black eye (actually, today it's kind of purplish red and green). I tried to back out from the embarrassing admission of how it happened, to no avail. Everyone was relentless and one guy actually asked me if my husband had done it, which, if you know my husband, is a completely ridiculous question. My husband is one of the kindest, least violent people I know. Now, after telling several people that I heaved so hard I gave myself a shiner, it's not so embarrassing to write it here. Actually, it sounds a bit humerous.

I don't know why I feel yucky; N feels yucky too but I don't know if we have the same yuckiness. It crossed my mind that I could be pregnant, but when N told me he's feeling sick also I began to doubt (with some disappointment, actually) that I was with child. Only time will tell on that one. I've actually been wanting another child as of late, although this would probably be the worst possible time from a financial aspect. N isn't really into the idea and I pretty much have felt that we'd stop at one, but there is always that small possibility that another could "come along". If it's a boy, his name will be William (Will for short) after my uncle who died when I was in college. Although he eventually committed suicide, he was a brilliant man in many respects and I admired him greatly. We all have our failings and depression is prevalent on my Mother's side of the family. I think he would laugh at my using the word "brilliant" to describe him; it sounds so dramatic. He was, though. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself over what is probably a stomach virus, though, eh?

Well, happy Friday all.

More Inspiration

I feel a bit like, over the past two days, I've been picking up the peices of my somewhat shattered faith. I've talked a lot about spirituality in this blog, and a lot about my attempts to find a home within a spiritual path. Recently, I'd read a couple of books (by the same author) which really cast doubts in my mind about the path I'd been on. Her claims about archeological studies disproving many of the Biblical stories, including the Exodus and the existence of Moses, disturbed the side of me that looks to science for at least some of the answers to why we're here and what life is all about. I began doubting my belief system, and I starting telling myself that maybe it wasn't the right path for me anyway, that maybe I needed a faith that was more accepting of my tattoos, less restrictive, etc. So, I resumed walking a path I'd followed while I was in college, and it did bring me a great deal of joy. Within this path I found a renewed sense of wonder at the magical side of life, a freedom of movement. The problem was that I began to really miss the religion of Judaism that I'd been following with a very happy heart for the past four years. I missed the structure of it, the guidelines that explained to me how to handle certain situations wherein I had no clue how to behave, that special moment when the Sabbath candles are kindled in our home on Friday night, the prayers which allow me moments during the day to connect with God and create holy moments out of seemingly mundane activities, the deep connection with God that I felt when I said these prayers. I think that going through a crisis of sorts has helped me to understand who I really am in my soul.

I experienced something similar about two years ago. I'd been feeling lonely with Judaism; my husband is Catholic and when I'd go to synagogue I'd look at families there together and wish that my own family could attend services together as well. Sometimes my husband accompanies me but it's not his faith; the service doesn't tend to touch him the way it touches me- it's not "his thing". My daughter is Jewish but is too young to know what's going on during the service. After much agonizing, I decided that maybe our whole family should be Catholic, and I began attending services with him at church. It didn't work. I would go to church and sometimes I got a little something out of the services (certainly every spiritual path has some great messages) but mostly I felt uncomfortable and a bit hypocritical. I would go and focus on the statues of Mary, where at least I could find some solace in looking at her as the feminine form of God. Trying to get to the heart of the matter with regard to the emotions I was experiencing, I searched online and found the website for Jews for Judaism (a very informative site). I did a bit of research with regard to issues of faith, to the Jewish standpoint on who Jesus was. I read about why as Jews we believe as we do, and I agreed with what I read. All of it made sense to me. At last, I knew what I wasn't. I was definitely not going to be able to give up being Jewish to be Catholic (and I don't mean to offend anyone here, but there really is no such thing as a Jewish Christian; you are Jewish or you're Christian. You can't be both. Read the explanation for this at Jews for Judaism.).

Anyway, last Thursday I was supposed to meet up with a Pagan Mommy group at a local park. We went to the park, but I didn't find anyone there from the group; I think they'd already left due to the intense heat outside that day. Undaunted, I stayed there with Bebe and let her run around under the water sprinkler. Afterward, we went to lunch at a local subshop and ate lunch. After munching on a sandwich and chicken nuggets, I began to gather our belongings to leave the restaurant. As I looked up from the tray holding our spent sandwich wrapper and nugget box, I noticed the Rabbi from my temple standing at the counter ordering his own lunch. I chuckled to myself, as when I'd been standing in his place earlier I'd wondered if Miami Subs served food that would be considered Kosher (I have no idea why that question popped up in my mind; maybe as a precursor to what God had planned next?). I talked with him for a bit about the local Jewish school and about his views on homeschooling, etc. I noticed he was reading a book about Jewish spirituality and something about that began to re-kindle a spark within me that I think was wanting very much to be set afire. I left with a feeling of God having intervened in my life; I've never seen the Rabbi there before, and had I not stayed at the park for as long as I had I would not have met him at the sub shop. Had I met up with the group, I probably would have left the park earlier and missed the Rabbi completely.

On Friday night I lit the Sabbath candles with my daughter and said the blessings over them. It was one of the most meaningful, special, spirit-filled moments I've experienced within Juduaism (although holding the Torah scrolls at almost 9 months of pregnancy after doing a mikveh in the ocean as part of my conversion wasn't such a shabby moment either-my father's family is Jewish and my Mom's Catholic, so I had to convert to be recognized as Jewish, despite that I always felt that I was anyway. ). I've experienced many moments of understanding, hope, realization, and awe along my path of Judaism, but something about sharing with my daughter something that my own parents never shared with me (I was brought up with no religion at all-just a belief in some sort of God) was hugely special. I feel this week as though I've come home. I've returned to reading my prayers in the morning and at night. I've begun singing the Shema to my daughter when it's bedtime. Coincidentally, since we've resumed this ritual she's stopped waking in the middle of night with bad dreams, so maybe she'd gotten used to this and was disturbed on some unconscious level when I stopped it. When I tried Catholicism on for size two years ago and realized that it wasn't the religion for me, I returned to Judaism with a stronger faith and a greater level of excitement than ever. I hope that will be the case this time as well, and indeed I feel it will be. Perhaps sometimes we need to check out the sights on a different pathway to realize that the sights along the path we'd been walking previously are just as beautiful but more relevant to who we are within the deepest recesses of our soul. I read today that within Jewish mysticism there exists a story about how Jewish converts are really old souls returning to their true path of Judaism. I'd like to think that's true.

What I Love About Florida

Since I've spent lots of time kvetching about South Florida, I thought it best for my own peice of mind to find things about it I like/love and begin focusing on those things. Fed up with spending the weekends doing nothing or close to it, I got up early this morning, got myself and our daughter up and ready to go out the door, and went online searching for something to do. I came up with Vizcaya- for the next couple of months Sundays will be free, and you can't beat free. Into the car and off to Miami DH, Bebe and I went. Vizcaya is located in Coconut Grove; to get to it you have to drive down streets lush with Palm trees and tropical vegetation. Million dollar homes line the roadway, gorgeous mansions of various styles-Spanish mission (one of my personal favorites), Key West, etc. , painted white, pink, terra cotta, light blue, and occasionally light green. The sun beamed down for the first portion of our trip, washing the whole scene in its brilliant light. We took the tour inside the mansion (which is really more like a palace) and wandered briefly outside before the rains rolled in. The showers were soft but the lightning was feirce, and lightning is nothing to mess around with in these parts. If you want to check out this beautiful place for yourself without booking a ticket to Miami, here it is: http://www.vizcayamuseum.org/. There are lots of places to eat in the Grove, although one should take care when driving through the area because a wrong turn can land you in a very bad neighborhood VERY quickly.

On another note, DH and I went to see Sicko on Saturday night and I highly recommend it. There are some who like Michael Moore and some who do not; I am one who likes him quite a bit. The movie is a bit upsetting, but since I've watched it I've seen evidence that at least some of what he said is completely true ( I mean, how can it be legal for pharmaceutical companies to lobby politicians? Doesn't that bias the politicians just a wee bit in their favor when it comes time for laws to be passed which could benefit said companies and cost us all more money than we really should be paying to buy their drugs????) A great movie which should be watched with an open mind for full effect.

Sniffles Again

Not much going on here today. My daughter woke this morning covered (or at least so it seemed) in yucky boogers. Another cold has invaded our peaceful home, despite my best efforts at keeping the place clean, washing our hands before eating, spraying disinfectant on the a/c filter, etc. Sigh. She ate crackers, some Jell-O and a grilled cheese sandwich all day, plus drank water mixed with juice, which is more than I thought she'd take in, so at least she's taking in a few nutrients and fluids. Hopefully this will go away quickly. It seems like every time I have Bebe around other kids she comes down with something, but that's the nature of childhood, I suppose!!!

Happy HNT

I'm exhausted after spending about two hours at a very hot park with my daughter and then spending the rest of the day running errands. It was hot as a Cajun kitchen all day long and humid as well. I'd intended to meet a local homeschooling Mommy group at the park, but either they left before we arrived or they canceled the meet up. Either way, my daughter still had fun running under the sprinkler and playing with the other kids and I managed to eke out some intelligent conversation with a couple of other adults. After playtime we stopped at Miami Subs for lunch and who did I run into but the Rabbi from the temple I was frequenting for a time. I conversed with him for a bit about the school they have at the temple and I asked him what he thought about homeschooling and about the local Jewish school. I left the restaurant with a feeling of "maybe that was meant to be today-maybe I wasn't supposed to meet those girls and maybe I was meant to run into the Rabbi". Had I met the other Moms I might have left the park earlier and not been at the sub place, or I might have had lunch someplace else. The Rabbi was reading a book on Jewish spirituality, and I felt a twinge of envy that some people just "believe" with no problems attached. My faith has been so badly shaken in my previous path; I've been reading books that talk about archeological discoveries, etc. , which seem to disprove many of the Biblical events that both Judaism and Christianity are based on. In addition to this, there are so many mythologies in Pagan religions, Hinduism, etc. which sort of paved the way for the later stories. For example, the birth, death rebirth of a God shtick wasn't a new thing when Jesus hit the scene. This occurs in Hinduism and also in the Egyptian religion, with Osiris. Should it matter whether these things are absolute truths? Are there really ANY absolute truths? There probably are not. I feel very comfortable in a Celtic, earth based spiritual path, but I miss Judaism. Tisha B'Av came and went, and I felt sad for not honoring it with a period of fasting like I did last year. Last year I also fasted in recognition of the pain I felt at a school in Iraq being bombed and many innocent young children being killed. It was an inner protest at the violence taking place in the world today. In Judaism, Tisha B'Av is a day of mourning the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem; as well, other things happened in Jewish history on this date which caused great sorrow for the Jewish people : 1. The sin of the spies caused Hashem to decree that the Children of Israel who left Egypt would not be permitted to enter the land of Israel; 2. The first Temple was destroyed; 3. The second Temple was destroyed; 4. Betar, the last fortress to hold out against the Romans during the Bar Kochba revolt in the year 135, fell, sealing the fate of the Jewish people. 5. One year after the fall of Betar, the Temple area was plowed. 6. In 1492, King Ferdinand of Spain issued the expulsion decree, setting Tisha B'Av as the final date by which not a single Jew would be allowed to walk on Spanish soil. 7. World War I – which began the downward slide to the Holocaust – began on Tisha B’av. (see

http://www.ou.org/yerushalayim/tishabav/)

Anyway, I have to go make dinner. This not quite Catholic born, not quite Jewish born, Jewish convert, Celtic Witch doesn't have any more time for speculation this evening. Things will just have to be what they are for the next many hours! Happy HNT!

Interest and Intrigue

Hi, ya'll. It's been awhile since I've posted anything; I've been super busy with life and the usual blah blah, trying to be more disciplined, which is very difficult for me. I laughingly say I'm just kind of on the Bohemian side, but the truth is that I annoy even myself sometimes with my scattered ways. On Thursday I'm meeting up with some homeschooling parents and hope that might be a good start toward forming some good relationships with other local Moms and giving my daughter a chance to form some friendships with other kids her age. The group is even considering starting an art co-op and I feel like I'd be a good addition to that. Each parent would do a lesson a month or something along that idea. At first I was nervous about the idea of that but then I realized I had no reason to be nervous. I do creative projects with my own daughter all the time, I love art, and I'd been considering going back to school for art therapy, which would have involved tons of human interaction in an artistic capacity, and I was hugely excited about the idea of that until I realized that I'd have to move someplace else to go to school, which right now isn't feasible. Anyway, it's a positive step toward making a move with regard to my daughter's education.

On a completely different subject, I decided to go back to being a redhead. Maybe it was my recently deepened connection to my Irish/Celtic heritage, or maybe it was the fact that the bleach was destroying my hair. Maybe it was a bit of both. Whatever the case, my hair feels a lot better after just four weeks of not being dyed platinum, and I feel more like myself again. It's always amazing to me how much hair color can effect how a person feels. Being blonde was fun, but I've done it sooo many times before that the novelty has long worn off, and I'm happy to wear a shade that's more natural to me.

As far as the "intrigue" part of this post, I've been reading a lot about the dominant/submissive relationship thing. I always hesitate to post anything with regard to sex, but I find this subject really fascinating. I don't know if I would consider myself a feminist. An equalist, maybe, but not so much a feminist, per se. Strong men have always been a huge turn on for me, and weak, "yes dear" sort of men a huge turn off. So, it's interesting to me to read stories about women who are in relationships where the man is in a dominant position, to read about their view points and the reasons why they enjoy being a part of this type of relationship. There is a physical aspect to this whole dynamic, which I will refrain from getting into in this blog- I think that some people will know what I'm talking about without me going any further in my wording. Sometimes, into the stew of life a few spices must be thrown, no?

I Also Hate Condo Commandos

The blasted condo police are in full force. My landlady called today to tell me that she received a complaint about our fence due to the fact that it wasn't approved through the Association (said with an exaggerated, arrogant accent-by me, not her). We put the fence up to afford us a bit of privacy due to the fact that our unit backs up to a pond, which then backs up to the road going in and out of our development. According to the landlady (who was totally cool about the whole thing) the reason for the complaint was that people can see our place when they come and go, and God forbid the fence isn't of the same design as the rest of this place. Cookie cutter heaven, all of it. Don't get me wrong; we live in a nice place and I feel blessed that when we had to move from our last apartment we were able to find this one and begin cleaning it and fixing it up almost month before me moved in. Someday, though, I think it would be wonderful to live in a house with a private yard where no one could say a thing about what type of fence we decided to erect, what types of flowers we decide to plant and what color we deem it nice to paint our home. This political b.s. is not really something I like to engage in. I'm a private person who doesn't care what anyone else is doing as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. I've never felt the need to busy body into anyone else's private life. As long as my neighbor is keeping their yard clean (and here I will interject that in spite of the fact that someone seems to be offended by my fence they are apparently not offended by the garbage that has been collecting around the pond-I guess it's not landscaping's job to clean it up) I could really care less about what type of patio decorations they decide to put out. Gnomes, fences, cacti, whatever. Who is anyone else to infringe on our white picket dream???

Another Day of Hating South Florida (sort of)

I say, "sort of" because I think hate is a strong word. I don't hate it exactly, I just dislike many things about it, not the least of which is the school system. That's not to say there aren't some great teachers here (who aren't getting paid nearly enough money); it's just that the atmosphere in which they have to teach isn't always the greatest. I won't get into it too much because I don't want to seem overly negative with regard to South Florida, but I definitely will not, if I can avoid doing so, send my child to any school here. I'm currently researching the homeschooling option, which I think is kind of a cool idea even if one lives in an area with a great public school system. I grew up in a great public school system and still hated it. When I arrived at college and realized how much different it was I was hugely relieved. In college I could be myself, without all the b.s. Aside from the school system, I'm just tired of being here. I want to be back with my family. I'm tired of all the scam artists and scumbags who live here. For every cool person I meet I seem to meet ten fake or otherwise horribly untrustworthy people who fool me for a short time into thinking they're relatively normal (and understand that my definition of normal is fairly liberal) and then stab me in the back somehow. Either that, or I get into relationships with people and they move away (it seems like every time I form a close friendship with someone cool they leave-a telling pattern). I'm tired of taking the time to build relationships just to have people move away or turn into psychopaths (and, in a few cases, I mean this literally) so at the moment I'm in a state of near isolation. I'm not in a position where I want to get close to anyone else down here. I'm part of a couple of online Mommy groups, but not all the women in those groups are from down here, and when I do "meet" someone from here I'm skeptical, although I still talk with people and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I have met a few really great people since I've been here. Possibly, I'm a bit grumpy due to the intense heat that set in about one month ago, not to be gone until probably next January or December, if we're lucky. The oppressive humidity makes being outside unbearable; I can't take my daughter to the park and the first few minutes of being in the car first thing in the morning are like being shut into a sweat box. Even with the a/c running for a few minutes it's still hot in my car. Anyway, seven weeks until I go up to Massachusetts again and I can't wait. I'm going for two weeks to visit with my family in my home state and I couldn't be happier about it. Hubby is coming up for a long weekend as well, which will be good because the only thing I hate about being up there is him being down here while I'm up there. I miss him horribly when we're apart for any length of time (this being a good thing!). All of this said, I think I just heard the sound of many toys scuttering across the downstairs tile floor, so this would probably be a good time to sign off. It's dinnertime anyway.

Mainstream Be Damned...

For a long time (at least over the past few years) I think I've been trying to choose the easier path, the one I think will be acceptable to those around me, to the general population, even, in some cases, to my family. But what if that path begins to feel a bit constrictive? What if it is missing key elements of who you are, if it starts to overshadow everything you've ever known about the truths of your soul? I know that I've talked ALOT about religion in this blog. The truth is that I find all religions interesting because they speak volumes about the people who follow them and I think they help us to understand the inner workings of the societies which make up our planet. I've spent the last year or so really digging Judaism, really getting into the spiritual end of it, bypassing the stuff I didn't completely agree with and just generally enjoying the values behind it and the holidays. The rub is that while I was practicing Judaism (and I will admit that I was practicing in a rather peripheral way...) I felt an empty space. I would hear people talking about how they wanted to go to Israel like it was the ultimate travel destination of the soul and I would think, "Hmmm. That's how I feel about Ireland." To me Ireland has always been my "mother land", my ultimate destination, the place where I feel most connected as far as my roots are concerned. Ireland is the place where most of my ancestors walked and lived; it's a place I love deeply even though I've yet to travel to her shores. Because of this desire I've always felt to meld my spirituality to my Irishness, I tried about a year ago to follow Catholicism with my husband. I went to church with him and tried to listen to the priests talk about this and that, but I didn't feel any deep stirring within myself. If anything, I just felt disconnected from God. Feeling like a hypocrite because the only peace I could find in the church was by staring at the statue of Mary and imaging her as the embodiment of the Pagan Goddess, I stopped attending church. My belief system was just too far from what they were telling me was fact. So, lately I've been delving into the depths of Paganism again, reading about the God/Goddess (I've always viewed God as both male and female, and, actually, Judaism supports this belief), getting back in touch with the part of me within that has always been in tune with the worlds of animal and spirit around me, letting go of the guilt for believing that it's okay to commune with my spirit guides. I've been getting into meditation and celebrating the spring (Imbolc) and summer (Litha) seasons. I feel really good, very at peace, probably more so than I have in a long time. I joined an online group of Pagan mommies from whom I'm learning all kinds of cool stuff and getting support. I feel like, in this community, I will be accepted for my belief that tattoos are a spiritual part of life (although certainly not everyone who gets tattoos does it because they feel it enriches them spiritually, and that's completely okay!), that it's okay to go with my inner belief that being gay or lesbian is just natural for some (Judao-Christian dogma does not allow for this and it has always gone against the grain of what I feel in my heart to be right), that life is a balance of light and dark, with neither being all good or all bad. This might seem like a complete "about face" along the path of my faith, but really this is what I've believed all along. I don't know what about any religion is based on pure, historical fact. I know what feels good and right and natural and right now this is it. This is a path I embarked on many years ago, but never really delved into wholly. I don't think I was capable of being as in touch with spirit then as I am now; many things have changed and I've grown ALOT since those far away days!!!! There is a level of devotion and seriousness that needs to be there, a level of being willing to give of one's self that I hadn't reached back in the late 80's, but today I feel like a completely different person in that respect, and in many other respects as well. Anyway, this is beginning to turn from a blog entry into a ramble, so I will leave you. Have a wonderful!!!!