Things are still feeling tense on this end. Money troubles suck. I feel like things will work out eventually, but the waiting is the hardest part. I'm trying with gusto not to nurse a resentment against the guy who owes my husband the cash, but it's difficult in light of the fact that he keeps presenting everyone with ridiculous excuses about why he can't pay everyone. I'd rather hear one honest, "Sorry, I'm broke" than a hundred stupid lies. I'm grateful that my husband and I have been together for long enough and have a tight enough bond that we're maintaining a united front. We're both anxious, but we're not taking the anxiety out on each other. There is almost nothing worse than money troubles when it comes to keeping relationships together. On another note, some days it's difficult to know where I am in all of the different parts of my life. There seems to be an endless litany of laundry, floor sweeping, paperwork, doing, doing, doing. At the end of the day I'm exhausted and still haven't done anything related to my creative path. I decided today that this must change and have re-committed to taking some positive steps in the direction of my own dreams. I've said this before and am, in fact, tired of hearing myself say it, but I truly have come to a realization deep inside that my own emotional and spiritual well-being depends upon me taking some positive steps on my own behalf. Our dreams don't become reality for us by sitting back and waiting for things to happen. I'm truly inspired by the friends I have who have gone for what they want and are living full, interesting lives as a result. I've always been a free spirit bogged down by all sorts of fears. As a consequence, I've ended up working such jobs as legal secretary and receptionist while my friends are living groovy lives as tattoo artists and such. There is nothing wrong with being a secretary, but I've never felt particularly happy or inspired sitting at a desk. I do love being a Mom. I fell asleep last night singing bedtime songs to my daughter and woke up next to her at 12AM, her little arms entwined with mine. That's the coolest. Being her Mom is one of the most meaningful "jobs" I've ever held; it's the only job I've ever had that felt like it held some fantastic purpose. Being her Mom has made it even more important to me to not "wimp out". How can I tell her to follow her dreams, no matter how crazy they might be, if I'm neglecting my own talents and ignoring my own dream path?
1 comment:
Oof. This picture makes me have feelings I ought not have for a happily married ex-lover. You have the pretty even when you're verklempt. Anyway, this too shall pass. I sympathize with your struggles. I have never fully followed my dreams, always maintaining that safe office job with the big paycheck and health insurance and 401K. I never took the chance and fully went for it with any of my art. So buck up. You aren't alone in that arena. I hate to admit it, but frankly, you have no idea how much I regret the fact that we didn't marry and make a go of the life you're leading now. I envy you and your familial bliss, so enjoy it. On the upside now that I'm sober I'm putting a lot more effort into all my creative endeavors, so that's something.
I may yet find success and happiness in my life on it's own terms. HHNT baby.
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