Tired of the War

I'm tired of hearing all the bs about why we need to still be in Iraq. I support our troops but I want them back home. George Bush refuses to budge in his stance that our country needs to stay in Iraq until a new democratic government has been established. Meanwhile, people keep dying, our men and women keep dying, and the President admitted in a television interview that this war might be similar to Vietnam. Everyone seems to be afraid to admit that they don't agree with current policy with regard to the conflict and speaking out often creates a situation where the speaker outer is publicy castigated for voicing what everyone with half a brain knows is true. My brother is a Marine. Once again, I will say that I support our troups. That does not mean that I feel this war should be continueing. We need to finish what we can and get out of there. That's just my opinion.

Plastic Surgery and Plastic Geese???

When we first moved into our new place I was excited by the sight of three ducks floating around in the pond outside (others here call it a lake, but I know better). They reminded me of living up north; we always had lots of geese at the park we visited when I was a little one. I was disappointed to discover that they are fake, markers used to keep track of some sort of plumbing needed to run the fountain in the middle of the "wildlife sanctuary". Eee gads. It's bad enough that more than half of the women living in this state (or, at least, the southern part of this state) have breast implants, that much of radio advertising is for plastic surgery centers and a large part of the population is more concerned with buying an expensive, flashy car than with the state of war we're currently under. I guess fake geese are more attractive than floating balls or something like that. I did see some seagulls and crows outside this morning. Pretty sure they were real....

Happy Pre-Turkey Day

I am currently in the middle of making sweet potatoes for a party we're going to at a friend's house tonight. She is have 26 or so people over; among the guests is my ex boyfriend, his new girlfriend and their new baby. It might be a little bit weird but I hope it isn't awkward. The hard feelings are well gone by now, and I love my life so much that I'm actually grateful, in a way, that the new babe helped to end a relationship that really wasn't traveling to anyplace good anyway. I took the bubelah to the playground earlier and she is sleeping soundly, which is good because if she doesn't take a nap the party tonight (which starts at the late hour of 8:30pm) won't be much fun for us or anyone in our immediate vicinity. My computer is annoying the hell out of me. Why is it that when I have only a few minutes to blog (which is pretty much every time I sit down at the computer) I have some computer issue (it's too slow, it's not downloading a picture I want to use, etc. etc.)??? That said, I will not be uploading the picture of cartoon turkey I'd planned on sharing with you. Oy. I hope you all have a wonderful turkey day, although I do feel very badly for all the turkeys out there, real and otherwise.

Sometimes I pine for home...

I didn't take this picture, but it looks very much like where I grew up. Now, living in Florida, I yearn for places like this. I live here in perpetual sprawl, where nothing is quite city or quite suburbs or quite country. I have to drive a long way to get out of the atmosphere we live in, and even then I wouldn't come across beautiful rolling hills like these unless I actually left the state. So funny that sometimes we leave home searching and return there to find exactly what it was we were looking for. Problem is, I can't just go back there now, because I have a whole life set up here. I have a great life, no complaints about that. It's just that my heart sometimes yearns for places like in this picture and it hurts so badly I feel the pain physically, like a blade in the side. Also, in my travels I've found that no matter how beautiful the place, no matter how nice the weather, no matter what new and groovy things there are to do, I still miss my family. I've never found people on whom I can depend as I can depend upon them. And, on a recent trip back home I discovered that my sister in law is like a twin separated from me at birth. We are so much alike it's eerie, although not surprising, since the brother she is married to is like the other half of my soul. Not being close to him in proximity is like having a part of my soul in another part of the country. It's not like I live in a horrible place, but I have a sense of disconnection all the time that I've never been able to quite shake. I have to constantly look at the good side of things and focus on my blessings always, and keep close to my Irish heritage, where I feel my roots. When I don't know what else I am, I know that I'm Irish. I know that I come from strong, courageous people who came to this country not knowing what they were getting into, filled with sorrow for having to leave a home they would most likely never see again. If they could do that, then I can survive another day in Florida!!!
I took this from Victorious Spirit's weblog. It's very cool. Check out her Johari window (I think you have to get it from her blog) and mine here: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Starfairie and make your own as well!!!!
Slàinte!!!
ps-If Blogger had actually uploaded my picture you would have seen a beautiful scene of rollings hills, autumn trees and New England homes. Blogger is NOT being friendly to me tonight.

Sighs of Determination

I'm a little bit tired today, but determined to live my life with more organization from today forward because I can't seem to get anything accomplished otherwise. My art, homelife and peace of mind have been suffering for the chaos in which I've been reveling and it has to stop. There is so much I want to accomplish outside of being a great Mom and a great partner to my husband; those things are infinitely important, but I didn't cease to be when I married and became a Mom. Lately I feel I've been resigning myself to the fact that I simply don't have time for my creativity and I've realized that, for an artist, the end of creativity is the end of the self. I've been going completely out of my mind with the pain of stifled energy. Little R is safely tucked into bed for her nap, the house is quiet, and I feel it's a good time to put on some Irish music and get to work cleaning up the rest of the mess that is our newly moved home. Once I get that done my free time will be available for artistic pursuits, and I can begin to feel a bit more like me again. I think I'm experiencing what lots of moms feel; I feel like there are so many demands on my time and so little time left over for doing the other things that I enjoy doing. Our lives are short, and they are the culmination of all of our experiences. It's up to me how I live my life and up to me to make me happy and to pursue my dreams. And, today's the day!!!! (By the way, the "Today's the Day" slogan was penned by Mel Fisher, not Monster.com, regardless of whether or not they trademarked it!!!!!)

Post Halloween

Well, Halloween is over and we've finally managed to get everything moved over to our new house!!!! Hooray!!!! I haven't been online in awhile because it took a few days to get back up and running again. Thankfully it didn't take very long because I feel disconnected when I can't blog, email friends, etc. Plus, I use the internet for work. Little R was not impressed with Halloween. It was about 85 degrees here and humid last night; too hot for her lion costume although she did look adorable. She seemed very unimpressed with the various princesses, skeleton men and gouls we passed during our foray around the new neighborhood, and we decided against going to my girl friend's neighborhood because it didn't seem like it would be much fun for her. She reported having a huge crowd over there, but I think it might have just been overwhelming for our little one. So, we came back here and handed out some candy and ate dinner (our first home cooked meal at the new house) and called it a night!!! We still have some candy left, in addition to the candy Little R collected, and there is enough of it that she's too young to eat to make the situation here dangerous. It seems that I'm a chocoholic, among other things, and will have to exercise much restraint until all the yummies are gone!

SO TIRED!!!!! Yeah, I know. Stop Bitchin'.....

I spent some more time working on the new house today. I cleaned up the kitchen (yay!!) and painted the kitchen table a beautiful shade of lapis lazuli to go with the purplish blue that I'm going to paint the kitchen walls. I used spray paint to the cover the base of the table, since it's metal and I had a lot of area to cover and I didn't notice until a friend pointed it out later that I got some of it in my hair. It's not very dark, but I have a fine mist of blue covering some of the strands around my face. It almost looks intentional, so I don't mind it so much. Pink would've been cooler, but pink would not have looked good in our kitchen. It will probably fade out; I'll wash my hair tomorrow and see how it goes. I'm wiped out tired right now. I had dinner with the family and a friend of ours at my favorite Irish restaurant and we were blessed with live Irish music. The fiddle player and the singer both were amazing. I love that kind of music; it speaks to something deep within my soul. It feels like something my spirit remembers from long ago.

Yay, we found a place!!!

We found a place; a really nice place!!!! We were bumming out because we'd turned down a killer condo on the beach due to some logistical problems, but I'm convinced that God is in charge and that He had this place in mind for us instead. We ended up renting a townhome in a nice community with a playground and a swimming pool. It's close to where we live now and close to the highway and it was within our price range. Phew!!!! Now at least when we're packing we'll know where we're moving the boxes to. We picked up some paint yesterday and I'm going to start painting some of the walls; I am so tired of living in white rooms. Some color please!!!! We had lunch yesterday with another couple who is searching for a new place and she offered to help me do some painting. The place is kind of dirty; really dirty, actually. The guy who lived there before us wasn't the cleanest of dudes, but the owner is letting us start moving and painting now so I don't mind doing the cleaning. It gives us time to move and to get the place more or less set up the way we want it to be. The other cool thing is that the place is a three bedroom, which means we'll have an office/studio space. This is important since the kitten has been eyeballing my canvas (just the one I'm working on, of course) and I need to have a room on which I can shut the door to keep out intruders! I'm very happy and relieved today!

It's my baby's birthday today. The big 2!!! Hard to believe that two years ago today we were in the hospital and she was brand new!!!!! We're just having a little soiree for her tonight, a few friends and some cake and ice cream. We'll tip back some strong coffee and do the gift thing. Well, little R will be tipping back some milk; we'll be enjoying the coffee....Have a great almost weekend day y'all!!!

Blah blah blah

Some days you gotta have attitude. Today, I feel pretty good. I met a girl friend of mine at the park with her kids and they and Little R played and ate lunch while she and I talked and hung out and played with them. It's nice to have another Mom around to talk with once in awhile. Yesterday I took Little One to a Mommy event at a book store which turned out to be miles and miles away from where we live, but it was worth the drive because when we got there she was excited to see the other kids. Focusing on her takes my mind away from all of the awful stuff going on in places near and far (and there always seems to be something awful going on, doesn't there?) and keeps me solidly grounded in the moment, which is where I need to be if I want to stay sane. The recent holidays made me think a lot about my Dad, but in a good way. I didn't focus so much on the sadness of missing him but rather on the happiness of all he gave me just by being my Dad. I actually feel very positive; the new year has made me feel like I can make the changes I've been wanting to make; somehow I feel a renewed energy to initiate positive action. I liked this picture because, hey, deep down inside I'm still a biker baby. I don't get to ride too much anymore, but once in awhile I still get the chance to feel the wind in my hair. I've been on motorcycles since I could walk (my Dad used to set me on the tank of his bike and tool around the block with me-this was before the days when people would freak out if they saw you do something like that, the days when I used ride to the store sitting on the middle console of my father's '65 Cutlass Olds). I think biking gets into the blood. You don't magically transform into a biker just because you've donned a black t shirt and a cool pair of jeans; you don't become a biker just because you've purchased a motorcycle, Harley Davidson or otherwise. My former boy friend was part of an mc down here, and one of the guys in his club once asked me how I could make his girlfriend feel as relaxed on a motorcycle as I was. She was terrified and not enjoying the whole riding experience very much. I laughed and told him it was just a part of who I was, just the way it had always been, and that I never "learned" how to love riding, so I couldn't teach someone else how to love it. Besides, how do you explain the joy of getting bugs in your teeth to a girl who's afraid to mess up her hair???

Happy House Hunting

It's Friday again, and far from worrying about what other people think about me, I'm now concerned with not having a new place to live yet and our lease being up at the end of October, which will be here in a few days. I looked at a nice apartment yesterday only to find out today that someone rented it after I left. That's how it is down here. There are too many apartments being converted into condos and too many people who need apartments. Good places need to be snatched up right away, but I need N to come with me to look before we decide to rent a place, and lately that has been an adventure in frustration. He's very busy with work (good) and doesn't have much time free to come with me to apartment shop (bad). Hopefully this weekend we can find something; I'm too high strung to be waiting until the last minute to do this type of thing. I envy those people who own houses and don't have to think about moving anymore!!! **Sigh** I know that we'll find something; it's all about persistance. Getting discouraged now is a bad idea. There's a place for us out there.

Sexy Mamas

With all of the sad and frightening things going on in the world today, you would think my mind should be occupied with thinking of things other than sheer vanity. Alas, today what was bothering my noggin was the simple fact that I no longer feel like I have the vavoom I used to have. It sounds so trite and silly, but part of the reason it's bothering me so much is that in my mind I wonder if my husband thinks I still have that little somethin' somethin' I used to have. It's not an issue of weight; my body is pretty much back to what it was pre-baby, and I'm constantly working on keeping it that way. Maybe it's a matter of attitude. Maybe I "feel" too mommy and wife-ish to feel sexy??? No, that's not it, because I think that being a Mom and a wife can be incredibly sexy things. Maybe it's because I live in South Florida, surrounded by plastic surgery mavens and extremely sexy Spanish women. I'm an all-natural, Irish/Jewish girl-fair skin, red hair, green eyes; far from sporting that dark, exotic look carried by so many of my counterparts here in the sunshine state. I don't even like wearing a tan; it makes me feel like a baked chicken. Maybe I need a style makeover, but more than likely it's something in my head that needs to change. I've never been one to follow the crowd as far as what's in fashion. I was an artist at a very young age, wearing funky looking denim sneakers when I was little because I thought they looked cool even though no one else was sporting them, mixing stilletos with different colored Converse high tops throughout high school, dyeing my hair platinum and painting it with pink streaks. Don't get me wrong, I've been known to wear the latest in hip huggers and camisole tops, but I won't wear them unless they look right for me. I never wear anything just because it's all the rage in Vogue magazine or being flaunted on some far away cat walk. In college I went through a Dead Head phase where I wore lots of tie dyed clothing and long hippie skirts. That is probably the closest I've ever come to following a crowd, but, even then, I was in that mode of being because I loved the crowd I was running with and I loved the music. It was more a state of mind than a state of fashion. At that stage of my life I cared very little for fashion and very much for being an idealist. I was just starting to realize that there was more to being a tree hugger than just hugging trees-that my outward actions were what would make my inward convictions actually create positive change. I think that, back then, my outward appearance was a way of rejecting mainstream society for all of it's ills and trying to attract people who were more like me into my life. Maybe what I need to do is stop comparing myself to other women. Yeah, I'm not 20 years old anymore; I'm okay with that. The thing that feels so strange is having stumbled upon that fact so quickly. Somehow, before I carried the responsibility of being a Mom I didn't really feel like my actual age. Now, suddenly, almost overnight it seems, I really feel like an adult, and it' s a little bit scary. It's not bad, but it's different. My artistic soul sometimes has difficulty reconciling the free spirit within with the adult who has to care for a family. WOW. I love my life, though. So so so so much do I love my life. I've never been happier with my family life or with my spiritual life. For the first time I feel like I'm really in touch with who I am on a spiritual level. I think I know what my personal legend is and I'm trying to follow that inner knowledge of who I am to take the right steps and live my life in a way that is compatable with who I am and who I want to be. Being a Mom and a wife and an artist are wonderful, rewarding roles. So, maybe my focus is just a little off. The joy within should contribute to the beauty without, right?

No News is Good News...

I turned on the news this afternoon to be barraged with nothing but sad and otherwise bad news. The top headline was that the body of a newborn boy was found in a canal here in South Florida, complete with umbilical cord and placenta. I will never, as a Mom, understand how someone could just throw away her child. I understand that sometimes women get frightened about the prospect of being a parent; the idea of being responsible for another human being can be overwhelming and quite scary. There are options to leaving a baby someplace to die alone, however. Here in Florida a woman can leave a new baby at a firehouse and at any hospital with no questions asked. Then at least someone else will have a chance to raise the child and to know the joys of being a parent, and the child will have an opportunity to have a life. This story bothered me more than any of the others I saw this evening, because of the sheer tragedy of an innocent little baby being thrown into a canal and left to die. Following this story was a plug about contaminated bagged spinach (apparently someone working at a produce factory someplace forgot to wash their hands after they used the toilet???), which was disturbing considering my husband and I just ate bagged spinach last night. It was organic, so I don't know if we still fall into the cone of risk. So far, so good. Neither of us is experiencing nausea or exploding diarreah. Right after that story came a follow up to inquiries into the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son, Daniel. Imagine waking up in your hospital room, flushed with the joy of recently having given birth to a new baby, and having that joy turned to horror when you realize that your oldest child has passed away just a few feet from your bed. Follow that story up with the disappearance of Trenton Duckett and the suicide of his mother. I pray that this beautiful little boy is found alive, but the circumstances around this story seem a bit suspicious. The only good news was that Clay Aiken has given up his creepy look in favor of a more Beatle-esque style. Oh goody.

9/11/2006

While I was aware today of it being "9/11", I avoided watching any of the many programs about the horror of this day five years back. My only review of the attacks came from a slide show sent to me by a friend. The truth is that I want to move forward. I don't want to forget; indeed, how could any of us forget what happened that day. But, it makes me sad all over again to wallow in the details of the attacks, to look at the pictures, to read/hear about how the attacks were planned out. So many people's lives were effected by this event and I think the way we all look at the world changed after 9/11. No more do we feel immune to terrorism in our country; no more do we take it for granted that our airplines won't be hijacked or worse; maybe we love our friends a bit more deeply and cherish our families all the more because we're painfully aware of the fragility of life and of how quickly our lives can be altered or cut short. I choose not to live in fear, however, but in awareness. Moving forward means we win; it means that our spirits can't be defeated. I think that's the best way to honor those who died that day.

Funny Friday

Okay, AT, I'll bite:

Cruel :: Heart
Jive :: Talkin'
Weak :: Kneed
Understand :: Me
Bum :: Rush
Stairs :: Goals
Tone :: Hue
Quickly :: Smile
Moment :: New York
Beating :: Chicken
Wiggle :: In
Face :: Time
Adjustable :: Bed
Room :: Mate
Easy :: Sunday
Store :: Room
Maid :: Den
9 pm :: Already
Challenge :: Taken
Debt :: Nightmares

Will the Real Anina Please Stand Up

Here she is, my new adoptee. She goes to the vet tomorrow for her first visit. Hopefully she doesn't have worms or anything wrong with her, but tomorrow we'll find out. She seems to be happy in her new home, although the litter box isn't impressing her too much. This afternoon I found three little piles of poop around our bedroom. Unfortunately, my daughter found one of them before I did and had it all over her leg. Gross!!!! Of course, I freaked because I don't know if the cat has worms yet, so into the bath with the baby. This gave N another reason to dislike the kitten which is a bummer because I'm trying to convince him that she's a great addition to the family. Work with me, will ya Anina????

Anina

The Hebrew name Anina means "answer to a prayer" and that's the name of my new kitten. She was dropped off at my apartment yesterday morning by a girl friend who found her shaking and terrified on the engine of her car. Small wonder it is that she wasn't killed; her soft meowing saved her life. Anyway, knowing that I am a sucker for animals she brought little Anina to my house yesterday, which pretty much helped me decide that the condo N and I were thinking of renting was not for us. Beautiful though the condo is, they don't allow motorcyles, nor do they allow private washers/dryers, which for me is a necessity (although I was willing to give that much up for the killer, brand new kitchen that came with the condo) and the place doesn't have a bathtub, which I need for the babe. N was not happy about the motorcycle deal; he would've had to have parked the bike at a friend's house and it would've been a drag to have to retrieve it every time he wanted to riding. I'm not sure the "condo commando" atmosphere would be suitable for either of us; we both tend to balk at people telling us what to do, especially when they are telling us to do stupid things like not park a work truck outside the building. Just where the hell are you supposed to park your work truck, which makes you the money to live in the building in the first place? Oh the phoof of some poeple. Anyway, the kitten was an answer to my prayer that morning when I asked God to show us some sort of sign if he didn't think it would be best to move into that place. It was so gorgeous, spacious and inviting that I personally could not make the decision to say no on my own. God knows that I'm a little dense when it comes to "signs" and so He had to work fast. Had the sign been something other than a living, breathing being who is now depending upon me for her well being I might have decided to manipulate it into a sign that told us to take the place and throw caution to the wind. This picture isn't of our kitten, but she looks very much like this. I have taken a couple of digital shots but neither one does justice to her cuteness, and besides that I don't have time right now to schlep out the camera and download the pictures to my computer. Life of a Mom, don't ya know.

Thursday Night

I'm not sure why I'm blogging tonight. I don't really have anything witty to say. I probably don't even have much of anything of great interest to say. Still, here I am at my computer again. What I do feel tonight is grateful. For the past couple of weeks I've been sliding in and out of some sort of melancholy, mostly due to the overwhelmedness I've been feeling in over all of the things coming at me in my life. We need to move, business has been crazy, I don't have much time for myself and that makes it hard to cram in time for my artwork (although I've been getting better at it), we keep going through this, "We should buy a house; we can't afford to buy a house here; we should move away; moving away is scary because what if we can't be successful with the business if we move away; we should rent a house; renting a house will mean we'll be dumping too much money into rent that we should be saving to buy a house...." Yada yada yada. I'm frustrated with it all right now. Some days I miss the times when life was simpler. Of course, back then I wanted everything I have right now; right now I want everything I have right now. I just want us to be able to figure out exactly what the hell it is we want to do. I've been really drawn into the field of art therapy. I think it's what I want to do with my life after my little one starts school and I'm looking into what I will need to do to make that happen. I mentioned it to N and he mentioned being a teacher again. I don't want to be a teacher. Schools are too scary nowadays. Well, now I can't blog either because little one is screaming. See ya'll later.

Much Adieu About Nothing

Thankfully, Ernesto fizzled out before it reached the coast of Florida. All we got here was some rain and a little wind; it was a grey and rainy day today also. We now have a great supply of bottled water and I have to put the plants and furniture back out onto the balcony. I'm grateful that we didn't lose our power or suffer any damage to our vehicles or, more importantly, to ourselves. I'm hoping that the remainder of the hurricane season will be uneventful. N and I spent some time today looking for a place to rent. We checked out a cute little house in a nice neighborhood, but a walkthrough showed it to be too small for us. Also, it didn't have a yard and I would like to rent a house with a yard for Little R. Otherwise, I'd rather rent in another apartment complex, where we'll have a swimming pool and a gym like we have here. Anyway, I'm super tired today from being stressed out yesterday, so I'll check back later...