The Crazed Artist Within

As of late, I've been trying to use only my own photographs for this blog, but since I can't go to Jackson Pollock's studio and ask him if he minds me taking a quick snap of him at work, I had to settle for a picture I found online. When I first saw Jackon Pollock's work, I have to admit that I didn't understand it. I liked some of it from an aesthetic point of view, but I didn't understand the meaning behind it. Almost all of my artwork has some sort of symbolism to it, even my portraiture. Because I didn't understand his artwork, I delved into some biography of the man himself. In doing this, I began to at least understand the place from where his art came and I could relate on some level. Pollock was a man who suffered from depression, who, like many of us, tried to find some way to combat his inner demons through the use of alcohol. From what I've I read, he began painting as a means to force back those demons, as a way to become healthier within. Van Gogh also used to say that painting was something he had to do. It was what allowed him to breathe, to exist in this world with some small measure of peace and sanity. Considering the outcomes of both of these artists' lives (Van Gogh committed suicide and Pollock was killed in a drunken car wreck), one might not think that either acheived peace or sanity through their art, but I think that in some small way they succeeded, at least for awhile. I relate to them; I try to achieve peace within in much the same way. For an artist, there is only so much life to be drawn out of recovery programs and spiritual pursuits. If that sounds sacriligious to some, I apologise. It's my sincere belief that G-d gives all of us a purpose in this world, and if we're not pursuing that purpose we won't be capable of finding that deep contentment and inner peace that following the purest parts of our hearts and souls can lead us to. I've been feeling so out of sorts. I've written about this many times in the past, but I continue to write about it because I've yet to be able to find the time for my own creative pursuits and my sanity suffers for that. I live my life with a fair amount of normalcy, because I have a strong spiritual base and follow a program of recovery, but my soul feels bruised. When people tell me that there isn't time for my artwork right now I can't accept their opinion. When they tell me to wait and be patient I know that they don't understand the mind of the artist-the ever running machine that is our brain, the flood of ideas constantly rushing at us, wanting to be thrown onto a canvas, the photos that beg to be taken, the words that plead to burst forth onto paper. There has to be time for that, because in doing those things we find our deepest peace, and through that we can relate to everything else more easily and lovingly. That's what I want-that deepest peace and contentment-so that I can be my best when I'm out in the world and so that I can give as much as possible outwardly, whether it's through my art or just through a kind word or a gentle touch.