Welcoming 2007

Happy New Year. What does it all mean? Another new year, another new resolution to do better in 2007, to be more organized in the business, more dedicated artistically, to get into better shape. Or, is it just another day? We make so much out of these holidays, but we can really start over again at any time. We don't need to have a new year on the calendar to get off our butts and do something about the intense dissatisfaction we feel over this, that, or something or other. Sometimes we use this "new year" stuff as a way to push off what we should be doing now. "I'll quit smoking when the new year comes around." "I'll lose that ten pounds." "I'll..." you get the idea. Which reminds me-I have a newspaper article I'm supposed to have finished within a couple of days. Crap!!!!

Happy New Year

The New Year is almost upon us; soon we'll be trying to remember to write "2007" on checks and other such things and embarking upon a new year. I don't really have any resolutions, so to speak, but I do have some goals that I'd like to see come to fruition. With the baby in non napping taking mode I've had a lot of difficulty finding time to paint, and that's been a bad thing for me, especially since one of my goals is to get a portfolio together. Eventually I'd like to maybe get back into school for art therapy, and the first step toward making that distant dream a reality is getting some current work together. I haven't been getting to enough meetings and I can feel it. Today I was driving down the road actually thinking about drinking, and even though I don't want to drink, really, I don't like when my mind wanders into that territory. It's a definite indication to me that I need to do something differently. The real indication to me that something is amiss is that I don't feel like getting drunk or anything, I just feel a need to "take the edge off". That is more dangerous than wanting to drink to stupidity because it's easier to fool the mind into thinking it's okay to "take the edge off" than it is to convince oneself that it's fine to get torn up. Our new year's eve plans include attending a sober party at a friend's house who throws a new year's eve bash every year. I've been to it for like seven years straight, but it's a safe place to go and it's a good time. At least I know I'll be around other sober people, which is super important to me, especially during the holidays when I'm struggling with being away from most of my family. I hope ya'll have a great and safe New Year's Eve!!!!

Happy Holidays

Just wanted to give a Merry Christmas shout out to everyone, since I probably will not be blogging over the weekend. We will probably be having some sort of Christmas Eve dinner here at our house for all of the people we know who don't have anyplace else to go. We usually manage to find a few people to hang out with us!!! I'm not sure what I'm making, maybe a big vat of "Christmas pasta", which has all sorts of yummy meats and stuff in it. It's not really a conventional dinner but I can make a big pot of it easily and since we've done all of the holidays here of late I want to make something that will be uncomplicated. Have a happy!!!!

Blahhhhh

I'm just in a baaad mood today. The only thing that snapped me out of it for awhile was going out for lunch with my daughter. As soon as I got back home all the negativity returned, and I don't know how long it will stay. I just wanted to be a Mom today. I wanted to take Little One to the playground and run around with her and just watch her be happy. Instead I wound up with a whole pile of work to do which I hadn't expected and which pissed me off immensely. It shouldn't have, I guess. I know I should just be grateful that we're getting business. I am grateful; I guess I just overwhelm easily and today I wasn't in the mood for the storm of paperwork which I suddenly found myself drowning in. I feel like I'm not a good Mom when I'm not able to take enough time in my day to go to the park or to just spend some one on one with my daughter, and that causes me to feel this very uncomfortable, burning resentment. When I got home, the stuff I needed had been faxed over, but for some reason the girl faxed it to me in this tiny, practically unreadable format and I had to enlarge it, which took me a few tries since my printer was not cooperating. I guess the holidays are starting to get to me a little bit too. I miss my hometown, miss my family, am getting fed up with this place (again), and just found out a friend of mine is moving away-far away. This person had an immensely positive effect on my life and it's hard to say goodbye even though we don't talk much anymore (he's a former boyfriend and since we're both with other people now I guess it's kind of awkward). I have a lot to be grateful for and I'm trying to focus just on that stuff but sometimes my darker side takes over. Today is just one of those days. Tomorrow will probably be better....

Hanukka First Night

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah and I should NOT be sitting here on the computer. I have tons of cooking to do. The baby is taking her nap (she has a cold and naps are super important right now in order for her to get better) and N should be home soon. I'm making Hanukkah cookies, latkes, Russian vegetable soup and a roast (which needs to cook for three hours-ahem!!!). The Hanukkah dinner at the temple was sold out. I guess I waited too long to buy the tickets, as usual. In my own defense I didn't actually know about the dinner until a few days ago. It's been grey and rainy here for the past couple of days, but I don't mind. Once in awhile I like days like this. Florida enjoys so many days of sunshine that I believe a dark day now and again is good for the soul. I guess that, being Irish, my heart can't take too many opressively hot, sunshiny days. My soul needs to be re-greened by the rain. For all of you celebrating Hanukkah tonight, have a happy. For everyone else, have a great night also!!! Now I must go and starting cooking, or we won't be eating dinner until midnight!!!

A Week of 12 (Stepping)

A good friend has been sleeping on our couch for the past week or so, trying to get back on his feet. It's been a good week, since he's been gone for awhile, out ripping and running, and it's good to see him back around, trying to stay on the right path. Who knows how things will go; it's all one day at a time, for sure, but I hope he can keep the clean gig going. It hurts to have lost so many to the disease of addiction and I pray not to lose another. I've known him for a long, long time and wish happiness and peace for him. He's going to a sober house tomorrow and I hope they allow him to stay; he's already tried one but they wouldn't take him because he has a job towing and usually towing jobs require some night hours. In the end, it's going to be about what he's willing to do to stay clean and sober. When his girl gets out of jail in four weeks I hope that she too will want to stay clean and sober. Right now she's all about recovery, but time will tell if that's what is really in her heart or if it's just jailhouse talk. At any rate, I feel very grateful for all of the blessings currently lending their sparkle to my own life. Hanukkah is approaching and we're getting ready for that, as well as Christmas (for my husband). I'm grateful to have a little family to share the holidays with and to have been able to buy some nice gifts for Little R, and to have been able to join in the Toys for Tots run on Sunday to give to some other little girl/boy who might not have so much. Plus, getting on the bike again after so much time away from it (good babysitters are difficult to come by-I don't trust too many people with my daughter) was a blast!