Sleepy but Thoughtful

Why am I still up and on the computer at, let's see, 11:38 p.m.??? Wellllll, it's about the only time I can spend screwing around online these days; I finally admitted to myself that daytime blogging/surfing is, for the most part, an impossible inturruption to the normal routine. I have too many other things going on to justify the time spent on the computer, unless it's on stuff pertaining to the enhancement of said "normal routine". Plus, I just watched an hour of Paranormal State and found myself thoroughly creeped out and unable to drift right off to sleep. Tonight's show was about demonic possession, a subject I find to be quite terrifying in spite of the fact that I am, in most cases, immediately skeptical when someone claims to be possessed by an entity of the demonic variety. That said, I am also open minded and believe that people can be possessed by entities; I just think that our own personal spiritual beliefs can color such experiences (have you ever noticed that most people who are possessed by demons seem to be Catholic or of some other belief system which places an ephasis on the devil??? You hardly, if ever, see a Jew or a Buddhist or a Pagan in this position, at least, on television and in popular literature.). While I do believe that negative entities exist (I believe that I have encountered one or two in my lifetime thus far) I am unclear as to what they are. When I was in the early stages of adulthood and living in my grandparents' house, I would often feel a presence in my bedroom there; I never saw anything, but I would suddenly feel as though I was not alone and that something or someone of a malevolent disposition was in the room with me. Many, many nights I spent tucked into bed with a book, trying to read until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. To this day, I do not know what I was experiencing in that room. My Grandparents were the only people to own the house and I don't think anyone else ever felt anything there. I never mentioned my experiences to anyone in my family; I understood how crazy it would have sounded. Indeed, even today I know that to some people it still sounds crazy, and maybe it was all just a result of some inner turmoil that was going on or something. It felt very real at the time, though. The feeling that would wash over me some nights can only be described as a sort of terror. Years later, my Grandfather passed away in that room after a brief but serious illness. I haven't had occasion to enter it much since that day.

Today, I understand the importance of blessing a home either before moving in or as soon as possible directly afterward. One need not complete an elaborate ritual, though what sort of ritual you choose is dependent upon which religious/spiritual path you follow. For me, a simple ritual with a white candle, some salt water and a spoken blessing did the trick. Because I spoke this blessing in every single corner of every single room in our house (I waited until a few months after we moved in to do this, after I'd realized the house needed some protection) the whole process proved to be time consuming, but I felt better afterward and our place felt a bit "lighter". I highly recommend that prior to moving into any new domicile, you either bless it or have it blessed. It can't hurt, and it's a nice way to start fresh in a new home.

Okay, I think I feel better now. I'm heading off to bed. 5 AM comes very early in these parts!!!!

House Hunting

We looked at another house yesterday, this time in Fort Lauderdale, and I have to say that just when my interest in this whole house hunting thing was beginning to wane (due to not being able to find ANYTHING that looked appealing and was within our price range) we found a cute home. The house is surrounded by bushes for privacy, is landscaped a little bit (lots of potential for some nice gardens), is located on a corner lot, and boasts a swimming pool. All of the rooms look out over the pool, and overall the house appears to be very sunny inside, which I like. The realtor is going to show us the place tomorrow night. We also found another house online, this one in Coconut Creek, which sits by the Hillsboro Inlet on a big lot. It's an A-frame house, which gives it a bit of a different look from most of the places we've been looking at, and from the picture online it appears that two large trees shade the front of the house. I love trees and have been praying that we would find a home with lots of them in residence. If we ever get motivated to leave our current abode, (we were out very late last night watching the fight at the home of a couple who are friends of ours-the fight on cable television, of course) we are going to check out the Coconut Creek house and see if it's a possibility. Sometimes houses look fabulous online but we arrive at the scene to find a place riddled with termites, or completely trashed by the former inhabitants, or stripped bare of any and all appliances (which means more cost to us when we move in to replace everything), or we find the house is located in a location that isn't good for us. I will keep my fingers crossed and pray that the Goddess will shine Her beautiful face our way with respect to this latest venture. I know that if we continue to put forth the effort, eventually we will find a nice house that we can afford. I'm just so damned impatient!!!!

Moving Forward in the Homeschooling Adventure

So, I found a really great group of homeschool families here in South Florida, in our general area (hooray!!!! I was beginning to think that all of the good groups that weren't super denominational were in Miami). We attended our first meetup on Wednesday at a park about 45 minutes from our house. I didn't mind the drive; it was actually kind of nice to be out of our usual zone of living. The park was awesome, with a huge area for the kids to play in, completely fenced in. The wind (and there was a strong wind blowing on Wednesday) kept things cool and I packed a lunch so that when Little One finally gave in to hunger she had good stuff to munch on. My Little One hates it when she has to stop playing and will go to great lengths to try to convince me that she isn't hungry, doesn't need to use the bathroom, etc. etc. etc. The group meets every week at a park (not always the one we met at on Wednesday; some are closer to our house) so my daughter will have a chance to socialize with the same kids (give or take a few) each week and have the opportunity to create some friendships, which will be good for her. I was relieved to find out that the group is full of down to earth, friendly people. I've been really searching for a group like this and it will be nice to have other people to share the homeschool journey with, especially since I'm new to the scene and not exactly sure what I'm doing!!!!!

Endorphins Alive!!!

We had a great weekend. N's parents drove down from Louisiana on Friday and visited with us all weekend; they left early this morning. Sunday was my little one's fourth birthday (how did THAT arrive so quickly) so on Saturday while she was visiting with her much enamored Grandparents, N and I went and picked up her new bicycle. We selected a metallic purple Barbie number with a pink backpack, very chic with the pre-school crowd, I hear. By the time we returned to the hotel, N's parents were quite tired and ready for us to be there, I think. They both seem younger than their years but the fact is that they are both in the early years of 80, and having an energetic-beyond belief four year old who is excited because it's her birthday and her Grandparents are around, can be exhausting! Little One loved her bike!!!!! I'm glad that I had the video camera poised for action when she opened the door (I snuck into the house first and waited for her to come in). Her little face reflected surprise first, then a grin slowly spread from ear to ear and she was all over that bike like ticks on a dog. The next several minutes were spent riding up and down the street, with me trailing behind, video camera in hand, trying to capture her first biking experience for posterity. I'm glad her Grandma and Grandpa were here to share in the moment. It was a good day, indeed.

This morning, just when I was about to talk myself out of going to the gym, I read the blog of a fellow blogger (thank you, Ellen!!!) and was inspired to get my butt out the door. I love going to the gym once I get there, but getting out the door on time can be dicey at times; I need to implement some serious schedule changes for myself (ie, waiting until night time or the afternoon to enter the domain of the internet, into which I can easily disappear for an hour at a time). Arming myself with a Johnny Cash CD and a water bottle, I hit the treadmill, ran for two miles, and felt great afterward. Add to that some work on the weights and I left the gym feeling energized and happy that I'd gone; had I not, I would have spent the day lamenting about the fact that I didn't work out after eating cake and all sorts of other evil foods over the weekend. I hate that after a woman hits the age of 36 she can't eat to her heart's content anymore, without serious repercussions. Nowadays my normal lifestyle has to include more healthy eating, working out, stretching, following creative endeavors and being spiritually centered. It's a good plan but some days more difficult to follow than others. I am also home pre-schooling my daughter-not too hard at this stage, but since I'm setting the groundwork for probable future homeschooling I have lots to learn and am spending quite a bit of time learning about what I need to do to raise a healthy and happy child, beyond the common sense stuff. It's a good Monday today!!!

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Balance, anyone????

Today has been an incredibly unbalanced day for me. I woke up late after not sleeping well, felt like I was behind the usual routine all day long (and when you have a small child, the "usual routine" is very important), felt like an awful Mom for being behind in our routine, wanted to cry off an on for the duration of the time since I got out of bed this morning. You get the gist. On a positive note, I added some items to my seasonal altar and am happy with the results. My little one came in later and placed some silk fall leaves (we don't have changing leaves here so we have to improvise) all over it and it looks truly fall festive. Plus, the candles smell wonderful and remind me that the Goddess is always close by, even on a bad day.

Sniffle

I've been battling a cold for a few days but it seems to be on it's way out. I am tired today, though, feeling very sleepy; a combination of the Nyquil that I took last night and my body trying to get rid of the current invaders. Everyone here in South Florida seems to be sick right now so apparently there is something nasty making the rounds. We tend to get every bug known to man down here because there are so many people visiting all the time. In spite of not getting a great night of sleep (you know it's bad when you take Nyquil and still don't sleep well!!!) due to our daughter crashing our bed and the neighbors deciding to crank up party music at 10pm (I was too tired and out of it by then to go over and complain) I still managed to do some school work with Little One and make applesauce cake with her in honor of the new fall season. We even made our own applesauce from scratch!!!! It smells so good in our house right now; the air is filled with the scent of apples, cinnamon and cloves. Yummy!!! I can't wait to go taste the cake!

A Walk Through the Past

At around 8:30pm last night we received a frantic telephone call from the girlfriend of a friend of ours. Apparently, the motel they live at was visited by the local police due to a complaint of someone throwing rocks at windows there. Everyone was required to produce identification; our friend's ID lead to a discovery of an outstanding warrant, which lead to him being hauled away to jail (again). Feeling bad because I know this guy is truly trying to get his life together at this point, I searched online trying to find out what the charges are and where he is being held, to no avail. Possibly he wasn't in the system yet; I will try to locate him today although by now his girlfriend might know what's going on.

Although my online search did not yield any information with regard to the arrest of the above mentioned person, it did lead me to the discovery of another person, a man I dated very briefly several years ago. A guy I broke up with because he had too many problems for me to deal with at that piont in my life. I'd punched his name into the computer out of curiousity; I wondered if he'd managed to stay out of trouble for awhile. Suddenly, there he was, listed as in inmate in a central Florida jail, probation revoked for some sort of offense committed. The picture was shocking-sunken cheeks, vacant eyes, lined face betraying years of self abuse. Someone else might have scoffed in self righteous glory, "Look at that stupid drug addict" or something like that. We all tend to pass judgement based upon appearances, no matter how much we don't care to admit to doing so. The thing is, I knew this guy once. I'd actually managed to crack the veneer briefly; I recall his eyes lighting up only once, when he told me the stories of his former days in the rodeo. These were the days before crack cocaine became his lover, his friend, his partner in crime. Before it robbed him of any hope at a normal or truly enjoyable life. I liked the guy beneath the surface; behind the machismo he was really just a vulnerable, lost soul. Unfortunately, the personality in command of this soul was now a violent, angry being, prone to sudden outbursts and vicious attacks. He once left five messages on my answering machine, each one increasingly nastier, because he called while I was out and was not there to answer his calls. He was extremely jealous, controlling and distrustful. In the days when I was just a friend of his, hanging out with his motorcycle club buddies, I witnessed (albeit from outside the bar-the guys inside the bar told me the story) him beat up a guy for dancing with his ex-girlfriend, to the point where the man had to be hospitalized. I'm truly not sure why I ever even considered dating this guy. In my life today, this is someone with whom I would never even socialize; I hate violence, and I stay away from the things that invite craziness and tragedy into my life-drugs, alcohol, denial of the serious issues that arise as the road of life dips and rises and winds. At that point in my life, I was vulnerable, having just broken off a five year relationship with a man who was a bit crazy but basically good hearted and sober, a guy who'd I'd gotten to know heart and soul in a very deep way. I was in pain, lonely, willing to accept this guy with all of his problems because I knew the other side of his personality, the side that was fun and caring. I suppose that his woundedness attracted me as well; I thought I could help him. I thought there was some hope of recovery. My moment of clarity began at around 1am one night. I'd been asleep for a couple of hours when the telephone rang. I'd gone to bed that night with a feeling that something was deeply wrong but I couldn't pinpoint what it was and tried to dismiss the thought. I was drawn out of my stupor by the sound of G's voice, telling me he was in jail, having been arrested for a DUI. The next day revealed the whole story: he'd gotten drunk at a bar with some coworkers, attempted to drive home, and crashed into an older couple, putting at least one of them in the hospital. I was shocked and angered by the fact that he didn't seem to care that he'd hurt someone. His main concern was getting out of jail, and he insisted that I call down a whole list of phone numbers he'd provided me with earlier (I can't remember why) until I found someone who would help post his bond. Thankfully, I had neither the means nor the collateral to get him out myself and further embroil myself in the chaos that was his life. Apparently, all of his friends had tired of his insanity as well; even his motorcyle club buddies refused to provide me with any help. Finally, I reached his sister's husband, who accompanied me to the office of the bailbondsman, posted the bond, and took the long ride with me across Alligator Alley to the county where the jail was located. On the way there we talked and he asked me why a "nice girl like me" would get messed up with someone like his brother in law. He suggested that I run as soon as possible, and as fast as I could, away from the relationship.

My moment of clarity arrived at the jail later that night. As a sensitive, I could feel the anger, the sadness, the despair in that place. Just sitting in the waiting area sucked the life out of me. I watched as women arrived with children to visit Daddies who had been locked away; I tried to imagine the trauma a child must go through seeing a parent in that situation. The sight of a baby stroller in jail waiting room was almost horrific to me; it touched me in a visceral way. Suddenly, I was struck with the certainty that if I stayed with this guy I would one day be one of those women, visiting G in some prison or jail, child in my arms or by my side, wondering how the hell I got myself into such a dysfunctional situation. I said a silent "no f***ing way" and, though I felt a bit sorry for G, vowed that this would never happen to me. A couple of weeks later the relationship was over, and the second breakup (I'd broken the relationship off previously but returned due to promises of a serious attempt at recovery and professions of some sort of love) took. I was aware through mutual acquaintances that G's life didn't improve after our breakup. He lived for awhile in a bus in someone's backyard. Eventually he moved back to his hometown in Central Florida and that was the last news I heard until last night when I found his picture and information online.

Wow. The emotions of sadness and gratitude hit me like a tidal wave. I hope that one day this guy will "get it". I don't believe that hopelessness exists where there is still life and consciousness; every addict/alcoholic has the same possibility of recovery if he/she wants it. That's the key. A person has to want it. I don't know if G does; I know he did once, in some way, but the monster was too great for him to fight off by himself, and he always tried to put up the fight alone, even when he was in a program of recovery. Time will tell.

Entering the Season of Fall and Trying to Find Balance

Little One and I have been back home now for a couple of weeks. We had a wonderful time up north; although I was horribly sick for the whole first week I was there we did a lot with my Mom and enjoyed the time we spent together. I have a bad feeling that it will be a long while before we are able to visit again, and that makes me sad but I'm grateful that we had such a great time and cherished every moment.

Shortly after we got back to Florida, N and I went back to check out a house we'd been looking at. I had mixed feelings about buying it; many friends advised that it was a great deal, but I'd experienced a very "heavy" feeling in one of the bedrooms and an reading I did later revealed some points that gave me pause. In the end, we decided against the purchase. During that final visit, another man showed up wanting to look at the house. As he walked around the grounds with us he pointed out the same problems that had concerned us. Just having someone else there helped N and me to gain some better perspective. The whole place seems to have been infested with termites, which are probably still there and the back rooms (which we had been unable to access previously) were not set up in such a way that we could work with. Too much work needed to be done, and it just didn't seem worth it. I feel relieved. The negative feelings I'd experienced during that first trip inside the house had troubled me. I'd rather buy a home that N and I both feel good about, and not one that needs to be completely renovated before we can get settled in.

On another note, I put up our fall decorations yesterday. If we can't enjoy the brightly colored leaves of my native Northeast and aren't experiencing the slight chill in the air that this season brings to those who don't live in subtropical climates, at least we can feel a bit of the season in the comfort of our home!

Shippin' Up to Boston

My little one and I are flying up to Boston tomorrow morning to visit with family and just enjoy the vibes of home for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I won't be online blogging and will miss everyone in my absence. I'm looking forward to the trip but I will miss N and my animals down here. Last year he met us up north for a few days but this year, due to his work being very busy and the events of this past week, he can't make it up. I'm not sure how the two weeks will play out as I have no real game plan, but that my usual m.o. and usually things work out.

On another good note, our friend who was in the truck wreck is doing well, and it turned out that N has gap insurance which will cover the money not given back to him by the insurance company. A friend of ours is selling a truck so this all might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. N will be rid of a truck payment and will owe his friend less than half of what he still had to pay off on his wrecked truck.

Have a blessed two weeks, everyone!!!! I'm off to my beloved Boston!!!!

Halloooooo Faye!!!!

I thought I would post a quick blog tonight, since there is a real possibility that tomorrow our power will be out (though I hope not). Tropical Storm Faye is already notifying us of her presence. We are right now experiencing bands of rain which begin softly and graduate to downpours. Later tonight we are expected to receive LOTS of rain, along with heavy winds. I sincerely hope that the earlier part of the day is not a portent to things to come. One of N's guys wrecked his truck in the earlier part of the day today; a wreck on the highway in which, thankfully, no one was hurt except for the truck. The truck is damaged on all sides; someone who was driving a bit too fast for the road conditions apparently lost control of his own truck and slammed into E, who, in turn, slammed into a wall and spun around. It seems that every side of the truck is now decorated with dents and scrapes and it had to be towed away. Fortunately, the guy at fault has insurance, the claim has already been filed (after a few telephone calls and much repeating of information by my husband), and the wheels have been set into motion (no pun intended). We are keeping our proverbial fingers crossed that the truck won't be totaled and that this whole mess can be sorted out quickly. N is driving a rental Dodge Avenger at the moment; we drove through the rain to pick it up so he will at least have a vehicle. (Abundant sighs....) So, now we're hunkered down for the night (well, N drove over to Home Depot to buy some gas for our stove in case the power goes down in the night) and I'm going to cook some hot dogs and mac and cheese, give Little One a bath, and snuggle down as far into the covers as I can.

Make Love Not War

Most of of us have probably heard the saying, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I certainly have found this question to be necessary in my life quite often over the past few years; I think that anyone involved in any sort of close relationship can gain a measure of perspective from it. I became upset over a perceived injustice last night. N and I each have two nights when we go out on our own for an hour or so. I treasure that time because it provides me with an opportunity to refresh and to replenish my energy. Most days I feel like I spend lots and lots of time trying to make other people happy (as many of us do) with little time left over for my own pursuits. Such is the nature of being a parent and a spouse and most days I'm really okay with it (I waited a long time to be blessed with a family). Still, those two days help me to stay centered and calm and not so crazy. Last night N announced that he will be playing paddleball with the boys on Thursday night, one of my nights. While he offered to bring Little One down to the beach with him, this is not really a solution for me. The beach is crowded at night, there are lots of strange people wandering around down there, and I won't be able to focus on anything I'm doing if I'm worried about where my daughter is and what she's doing. Of course, he would have someone watching her, but who I don't know. I don't even know if he's figured the whole scenario out yet. Besides that, we've been talking about trying to get her on more of a routine and keeping her out late on a Thursday is not going to help in that cause. At any rate, I was upset; why can't I just have that night, like I have for a long time now, to go out and not have to worry about anything? I felt hurt and angry. Once I began to think about the situation, though, to reframe a bit, I calmed (of course, this took me the entire night). Looking at my little girl this morning, sleeping soundly beside us (she awoke at 6AM and wandered into our room-it's almost a ritual these days), I thought about how some day she will be grown and I will look back on the time I spent with her as a child and wish for that time back. I thought about how much I enjoy having her with me during the day, how she takes mundane errands and turns them into joyful adventures. I thought about the impermanence of everything in life. I thought about how precious energy should not be wasted on anger and resentment that I have no desire in nursing anyway. This morning, peering over my coffee cup at the man with whom I share my life, I felt a sense of love and peace.

Update

We checked out the house yesterday, and the amount of work that would need to be done to this place in order to create a halfway pleasant living environment is daunting. Give me a New England farmhouse over most of what I see down here any day. I'm a feeling a bit depressed by this whole house hunting venture.

On another note, I'm feeling overwhelmed in general. I have tons to do today; I awoke bleary eyed and tired this morning to a notepad full of urgent tasks to be completed. I am looking forward to running to the refuge of New England for a couple of weeks; I need some down time with my family up north (although trips like this present their own measure of stress). My dream is to open a small gallery where I and local artists could show their work, be it painting, sculpture, jewelry. Not having enough time to paint lately, I've been putting together a bit of my own jewelry and enjoy it quite a lot, so maybe I've hit on a new creative avenue. At least it provides me with some sort of outlet to the insanity that is my life most days (not that I mind the insanity most days-I still need an outlet, though!). Ah, a little art gallery in the heart of New England; tis a nice dream....

The Search for a House Continues

We are going to look at a house this afternoon, one which N and I checked out a couple of days ago from the outside but not the inside (we were not with the realtor). Yesterday, N stopped by the property and knocked on the door; the owner happened to be there, is eager to sell the place, and allowed him entry so he could have a better look. His impression was mixed. The house is located on a beautiful peice of land, with a canal behind it (which has ocean access much further down). There is also a park behind the house, which means that all of the beautiful trees currently shading the area will remain (unless a hurricane tears through the area and decimates everything). The house itself is in quite a state of disrepair. The owner has been allowing homeless people to camp out there, which means that we might have some problems once we move in as far as letting people know that the home is no longer open for vacancies. Additionally, there will be MAJOR cleaning to be done before we can even think about moving in there with our almost four year old. On top of that, there is a leak in the roof which will need to be fixed, and we would need to make sure the leak has not caused serious mold encroachment. The house will need to be thoroughly examined before we can sign any type of real deal, but I'm willing to take a look. The neighborhood is a very nice one, with houses selling in the near $300,000.00 range and if we fixed the house up it could be beautiful. I'm good with designing/decorating and N is in the construction business, so we have an advantage on those fronts. He told me that he would have to build on an addition for the house to really big large enough for us to live in, but the lot is huge and we can do things slowly, over time. The truth will be revealed at 4PM!!!!!

(Obviously, the picture above is not the house; I borrowed the image from a site called Wikimedia Commons!)

Monday Monday

I've taken a bunch of new pictures but have not yet been able to find the time to upload any of them into my computer. Since I don't feel like purusing the internet right now, I'll skip showing a picture today. My brain feels like overcooked scrambled eggs right now; I managed to more or less stick to a schedule of sorts today, which resulted in a good day for my little one and I. I made it to the gym, had a good workout, took Bebe to the library, and came home to do some work for N. About all I can think about is the pizza that is sitting on the table downstairs and how comfortable my bed is going to be. I hope to be in it in time to watch the first new episode of "Paranormal State"!!!! Anyway, today went well for a Monday and I have no complaints. Happy new week, everyone!!!

Tuesday

So, it doesn't look like N is interested in the house, and I can understand. With an almost four year old child and the crime rates being what they are (as in high) here in South Florida, it isn't a great idea to move into a questionable neighborhood. I don't mean any disrespect to the people who live there; it's not that bad, but it's probably not the place for us. Little One wasn't feeling well earlier but she seems to be better now. I did some work for N while she worked on a little workbook she has which I ordered online recently. It has all kinds of magical images in it and she had fun coloring and tracing over the letters and trying to write her own. As she grows she is beginning to understand more and more and I'm slowly introducing the idea of spirituality, albeit in a limited way. She doesn't really understand the concept of God/Goddess at this time. I can't remember how old I was when such things began to enter my mind. I do remember being extremely curious at a very young age, and being very sensitive. Happy Tuesday to all!

House Hunting

First of all, my bad for posting a photo on Saturday that was previously used. As I said, I'm a little pressed for time these days and sometimes I do things like that. Last week I purchased two identical pairs of pj's for my daughter and didn't have a clue until I'd arrived home and took the clothing out of the bag!!!!

On another note, we did some house hunting yesterday, just a little of our own research. We checked out the house above a few days ago, but the day was rainy and dark and the whole neighborhood looked much bleaker that day than it did when we looked again yesterday. This would definitely be a great first home; the only thing I'm not sure about is the price since it's listed in a couple of different places for different prices, the lowest price being with the realtor with whom my husband spoke. The neighborhood is so so; people around this area seem to keep their houses and the surrounding areas clean and everyone who passed by gave us a friendly "hello". Who knows???? We haven't spoken with the realtor about walking through the inside, but I was able to download some pictures online and it appears to be well kept and spacious. My husband and I walked around the property, fantasizing about all the sprucing up we could engage in. We should know soon exactly what the mortgage broker can offer us, then we will have a better idea with regard to what we can afford. In spite of the neighborhood where this house is located being iffy (there is an ugly industrial area nearby) I felt a good energy when I was there. I had a vision of us hanging out on the front porch and hanging up plants.

Putting solid roots down in South Florida is kind of scary for me; one more step in the direction of "I'm not moving back to Mass.". While I understand on an intellectual level that I probably will not be moving back home, my heart still holds out a bit of hope, I suppose. I miss my family so much; it's difficult being away from them. New England is a part of my soul, and there is still a spirit of longing within me for her piney woods and old architecture, for the marshy smell of the beach on the Cape. I have my little family here, though, and with the economy being shaky and my husband's company being here moving isn't a viable option. I'm happy where I am. Still, that spirit of longing has a life of it's own...

I hope that this new week finds all of you well!!!

Saturday

I haven't written in awhile, mainly due to a lack of time and a need to arrange my priorities. With an almost 4 year old and an artistic spirit, it's difficult to "fit it all in" in the space of twelve or so hours. Since I've never been a morning person, I'm going through an adjustment phase of learning how to be more functional in the hours of early sunlight. Also, I'm having to learn how to get into bed earlier, which has never been an easy feat for me. I love being up at night, but it's not practical anymore; my little one gets crazy if kept up too late and after she goes to bed I'm usually exhausted.

Hubby and I are in the early stages of trying to acquire a home. We have been paying rent for a long time, have tired of always wondering when the next move will be necessary, and would like to have a home base that is stable, for the sake of our daughter. I suppose we want the stability as well!!! We visited with a mortgage guy today and while things don't look as good as we'd hoped, they look reasonable good. We might have to come up with more of a down payment if we want to buy the type of home we'd like to purchase. This is both an exciting and scary time!

Find Jennifer Kesse

I saw a show on 48 Hours last night which troubled me. Maybe it's because I'm a Mom, or because I am a woman living in Florida, or because this girl is just so vibrant and beautiful. Probably it's all of those things. Please check out this link and maybe add it to your own site. This woman's parents and family are desperate to discover what happened to her and where she is, and whoever harmed her is still freely roaming the streets. Thanks.

http://jenniferkesse.com/

Small Miracles

Small miracles happen every day, if we're willing to accept that they happen, are open to them, and are willing to acknowledge them. A couple of days ago I ran into a woman who I've met a few times before but never talked with much. We entered into an interesting and wonderful conversation, and before we parted ways she lent me a book which she'd been carrying around in her car. It's a book about empowerment, about the magic of feminine energy. It was just what I needed to read this week. She became a reflection of the Goddess, this woman, and I'm so grateful for that for that. I've been asking to be connected to like souls lately. I've been in deep need of connection with good, honest people, and I've met at least two women who seem to fit this criteria over the past couple of months (although I'm not always the best about calling people back and so have trouble sometimes in nurturing relationships the way I'd like to-commitment issues???). It seems that our Higher Power finds us in those moments when we are open, when we are such great need to spiritual strength and guidance, when we are willing to shift our energies just a little bit and allow some room for letting go. Because I prayed and meditated this morning, because I followed some of the guidance found in some spiritual books I've recently read and am currently reading, I was able to talk on the telephone this morning with someone at a County office and stay calm and friendly. I imagined him not as some mean guy in control, but rather as a regular guy who goes home at night to a wife who loves him, maybe kids who love him, who has a few beers with the guys after work-that sort of thing. I thought of him as a regular person, like me, and as a result I was not defensive on the telephone and was able to have a nice conversation and find a reasonable means toward resolving a problem which yesterday I'd blown up in my mind to monstrous proportions.

And so, today, I breath a bit easier, and pray that this calm and peace will remain within my soul throughout the day...