Shippin' Up to Boston

My little one and I are flying up to Boston tomorrow morning to visit with family and just enjoy the vibes of home for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I won't be online blogging and will miss everyone in my absence. I'm looking forward to the trip but I will miss N and my animals down here. Last year he met us up north for a few days but this year, due to his work being very busy and the events of this past week, he can't make it up. I'm not sure how the two weeks will play out as I have no real game plan, but that my usual m.o. and usually things work out.

On another good note, our friend who was in the truck wreck is doing well, and it turned out that N has gap insurance which will cover the money not given back to him by the insurance company. A friend of ours is selling a truck so this all might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. N will be rid of a truck payment and will owe his friend less than half of what he still had to pay off on his wrecked truck.

Have a blessed two weeks, everyone!!!! I'm off to my beloved Boston!!!!

Halloooooo Faye!!!!

I thought I would post a quick blog tonight, since there is a real possibility that tomorrow our power will be out (though I hope not). Tropical Storm Faye is already notifying us of her presence. We are right now experiencing bands of rain which begin softly and graduate to downpours. Later tonight we are expected to receive LOTS of rain, along with heavy winds. I sincerely hope that the earlier part of the day is not a portent to things to come. One of N's guys wrecked his truck in the earlier part of the day today; a wreck on the highway in which, thankfully, no one was hurt except for the truck. The truck is damaged on all sides; someone who was driving a bit too fast for the road conditions apparently lost control of his own truck and slammed into E, who, in turn, slammed into a wall and spun around. It seems that every side of the truck is now decorated with dents and scrapes and it had to be towed away. Fortunately, the guy at fault has insurance, the claim has already been filed (after a few telephone calls and much repeating of information by my husband), and the wheels have been set into motion (no pun intended). We are keeping our proverbial fingers crossed that the truck won't be totaled and that this whole mess can be sorted out quickly. N is driving a rental Dodge Avenger at the moment; we drove through the rain to pick it up so he will at least have a vehicle. (Abundant sighs....) So, now we're hunkered down for the night (well, N drove over to Home Depot to buy some gas for our stove in case the power goes down in the night) and I'm going to cook some hot dogs and mac and cheese, give Little One a bath, and snuggle down as far into the covers as I can.

Make Love Not War

Most of of us have probably heard the saying, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I certainly have found this question to be necessary in my life quite often over the past few years; I think that anyone involved in any sort of close relationship can gain a measure of perspective from it. I became upset over a perceived injustice last night. N and I each have two nights when we go out on our own for an hour or so. I treasure that time because it provides me with an opportunity to refresh and to replenish my energy. Most days I feel like I spend lots and lots of time trying to make other people happy (as many of us do) with little time left over for my own pursuits. Such is the nature of being a parent and a spouse and most days I'm really okay with it (I waited a long time to be blessed with a family). Still, those two days help me to stay centered and calm and not so crazy. Last night N announced that he will be playing paddleball with the boys on Thursday night, one of my nights. While he offered to bring Little One down to the beach with him, this is not really a solution for me. The beach is crowded at night, there are lots of strange people wandering around down there, and I won't be able to focus on anything I'm doing if I'm worried about where my daughter is and what she's doing. Of course, he would have someone watching her, but who I don't know. I don't even know if he's figured the whole scenario out yet. Besides that, we've been talking about trying to get her on more of a routine and keeping her out late on a Thursday is not going to help in that cause. At any rate, I was upset; why can't I just have that night, like I have for a long time now, to go out and not have to worry about anything? I felt hurt and angry. Once I began to think about the situation, though, to reframe a bit, I calmed (of course, this took me the entire night). Looking at my little girl this morning, sleeping soundly beside us (she awoke at 6AM and wandered into our room-it's almost a ritual these days), I thought about how some day she will be grown and I will look back on the time I spent with her as a child and wish for that time back. I thought about how much I enjoy having her with me during the day, how she takes mundane errands and turns them into joyful adventures. I thought about the impermanence of everything in life. I thought about how precious energy should not be wasted on anger and resentment that I have no desire in nursing anyway. This morning, peering over my coffee cup at the man with whom I share my life, I felt a sense of love and peace.

Update

We checked out the house yesterday, and the amount of work that would need to be done to this place in order to create a halfway pleasant living environment is daunting. Give me a New England farmhouse over most of what I see down here any day. I'm a feeling a bit depressed by this whole house hunting venture.

On another note, I'm feeling overwhelmed in general. I have tons to do today; I awoke bleary eyed and tired this morning to a notepad full of urgent tasks to be completed. I am looking forward to running to the refuge of New England for a couple of weeks; I need some down time with my family up north (although trips like this present their own measure of stress). My dream is to open a small gallery where I and local artists could show their work, be it painting, sculpture, jewelry. Not having enough time to paint lately, I've been putting together a bit of my own jewelry and enjoy it quite a lot, so maybe I've hit on a new creative avenue. At least it provides me with some sort of outlet to the insanity that is my life most days (not that I mind the insanity most days-I still need an outlet, though!). Ah, a little art gallery in the heart of New England; tis a nice dream....

The Search for a House Continues

We are going to look at a house this afternoon, one which N and I checked out a couple of days ago from the outside but not the inside (we were not with the realtor). Yesterday, N stopped by the property and knocked on the door; the owner happened to be there, is eager to sell the place, and allowed him entry so he could have a better look. His impression was mixed. The house is located on a beautiful peice of land, with a canal behind it (which has ocean access much further down). There is also a park behind the house, which means that all of the beautiful trees currently shading the area will remain (unless a hurricane tears through the area and decimates everything). The house itself is in quite a state of disrepair. The owner has been allowing homeless people to camp out there, which means that we might have some problems once we move in as far as letting people know that the home is no longer open for vacancies. Additionally, there will be MAJOR cleaning to be done before we can even think about moving in there with our almost four year old. On top of that, there is a leak in the roof which will need to be fixed, and we would need to make sure the leak has not caused serious mold encroachment. The house will need to be thoroughly examined before we can sign any type of real deal, but I'm willing to take a look. The neighborhood is a very nice one, with houses selling in the near $300,000.00 range and if we fixed the house up it could be beautiful. I'm good with designing/decorating and N is in the construction business, so we have an advantage on those fronts. He told me that he would have to build on an addition for the house to really big large enough for us to live in, but the lot is huge and we can do things slowly, over time. The truth will be revealed at 4PM!!!!!

(Obviously, the picture above is not the house; I borrowed the image from a site called Wikimedia Commons!)

Monday Monday

I've taken a bunch of new pictures but have not yet been able to find the time to upload any of them into my computer. Since I don't feel like purusing the internet right now, I'll skip showing a picture today. My brain feels like overcooked scrambled eggs right now; I managed to more or less stick to a schedule of sorts today, which resulted in a good day for my little one and I. I made it to the gym, had a good workout, took Bebe to the library, and came home to do some work for N. About all I can think about is the pizza that is sitting on the table downstairs and how comfortable my bed is going to be. I hope to be in it in time to watch the first new episode of "Paranormal State"!!!! Anyway, today went well for a Monday and I have no complaints. Happy new week, everyone!!!

Tuesday

So, it doesn't look like N is interested in the house, and I can understand. With an almost four year old child and the crime rates being what they are (as in high) here in South Florida, it isn't a great idea to move into a questionable neighborhood. I don't mean any disrespect to the people who live there; it's not that bad, but it's probably not the place for us. Little One wasn't feeling well earlier but she seems to be better now. I did some work for N while she worked on a little workbook she has which I ordered online recently. It has all kinds of magical images in it and she had fun coloring and tracing over the letters and trying to write her own. As she grows she is beginning to understand more and more and I'm slowly introducing the idea of spirituality, albeit in a limited way. She doesn't really understand the concept of God/Goddess at this time. I can't remember how old I was when such things began to enter my mind. I do remember being extremely curious at a very young age, and being very sensitive. Happy Tuesday to all!

House Hunting

First of all, my bad for posting a photo on Saturday that was previously used. As I said, I'm a little pressed for time these days and sometimes I do things like that. Last week I purchased two identical pairs of pj's for my daughter and didn't have a clue until I'd arrived home and took the clothing out of the bag!!!!

On another note, we did some house hunting yesterday, just a little of our own research. We checked out the house above a few days ago, but the day was rainy and dark and the whole neighborhood looked much bleaker that day than it did when we looked again yesterday. This would definitely be a great first home; the only thing I'm not sure about is the price since it's listed in a couple of different places for different prices, the lowest price being with the realtor with whom my husband spoke. The neighborhood is so so; people around this area seem to keep their houses and the surrounding areas clean and everyone who passed by gave us a friendly "hello". Who knows???? We haven't spoken with the realtor about walking through the inside, but I was able to download some pictures online and it appears to be well kept and spacious. My husband and I walked around the property, fantasizing about all the sprucing up we could engage in. We should know soon exactly what the mortgage broker can offer us, then we will have a better idea with regard to what we can afford. In spite of the neighborhood where this house is located being iffy (there is an ugly industrial area nearby) I felt a good energy when I was there. I had a vision of us hanging out on the front porch and hanging up plants.

Putting solid roots down in South Florida is kind of scary for me; one more step in the direction of "I'm not moving back to Mass.". While I understand on an intellectual level that I probably will not be moving back home, my heart still holds out a bit of hope, I suppose. I miss my family so much; it's difficult being away from them. New England is a part of my soul, and there is still a spirit of longing within me for her piney woods and old architecture, for the marshy smell of the beach on the Cape. I have my little family here, though, and with the economy being shaky and my husband's company being here moving isn't a viable option. I'm happy where I am. Still, that spirit of longing has a life of it's own...

I hope that this new week finds all of you well!!!

Saturday

I haven't written in awhile, mainly due to a lack of time and a need to arrange my priorities. With an almost 4 year old and an artistic spirit, it's difficult to "fit it all in" in the space of twelve or so hours. Since I've never been a morning person, I'm going through an adjustment phase of learning how to be more functional in the hours of early sunlight. Also, I'm having to learn how to get into bed earlier, which has never been an easy feat for me. I love being up at night, but it's not practical anymore; my little one gets crazy if kept up too late and after she goes to bed I'm usually exhausted.

Hubby and I are in the early stages of trying to acquire a home. We have been paying rent for a long time, have tired of always wondering when the next move will be necessary, and would like to have a home base that is stable, for the sake of our daughter. I suppose we want the stability as well!!! We visited with a mortgage guy today and while things don't look as good as we'd hoped, they look reasonable good. We might have to come up with more of a down payment if we want to buy the type of home we'd like to purchase. This is both an exciting and scary time!

Find Jennifer Kesse

I saw a show on 48 Hours last night which troubled me. Maybe it's because I'm a Mom, or because I am a woman living in Florida, or because this girl is just so vibrant and beautiful. Probably it's all of those things. Please check out this link and maybe add it to your own site. This woman's parents and family are desperate to discover what happened to her and where she is, and whoever harmed her is still freely roaming the streets. Thanks.

http://jenniferkesse.com/

Small Miracles

Small miracles happen every day, if we're willing to accept that they happen, are open to them, and are willing to acknowledge them. A couple of days ago I ran into a woman who I've met a few times before but never talked with much. We entered into an interesting and wonderful conversation, and before we parted ways she lent me a book which she'd been carrying around in her car. It's a book about empowerment, about the magic of feminine energy. It was just what I needed to read this week. She became a reflection of the Goddess, this woman, and I'm so grateful for that for that. I've been asking to be connected to like souls lately. I've been in deep need of connection with good, honest people, and I've met at least two women who seem to fit this criteria over the past couple of months (although I'm not always the best about calling people back and so have trouble sometimes in nurturing relationships the way I'd like to-commitment issues???). It seems that our Higher Power finds us in those moments when we are open, when we are such great need to spiritual strength and guidance, when we are willing to shift our energies just a little bit and allow some room for letting go. Because I prayed and meditated this morning, because I followed some of the guidance found in some spiritual books I've recently read and am currently reading, I was able to talk on the telephone this morning with someone at a County office and stay calm and friendly. I imagined him not as some mean guy in control, but rather as a regular guy who goes home at night to a wife who loves him, maybe kids who love him, who has a few beers with the guys after work-that sort of thing. I thought of him as a regular person, like me, and as a result I was not defensive on the telephone and was able to have a nice conversation and find a reasonable means toward resolving a problem which yesterday I'd blown up in my mind to monstrous proportions.

And so, today, I breath a bit easier, and pray that this calm and peace will remain within my soul throughout the day...

Bad Attitude

I hate dealing with beaurocratic nonsense. Even more than that I detest dealing with the people who initiate beaurocratic nonsense. It has become increasingly difficult to do business in Miami these days. Barring an angry and obnoxious tirade, that's all I will say; I don't want to plumb the depths of my own rage for fear that ignorant and horrible things will spill forth onto the page. As human beings we do sometimes allow ignorance to get the better of us when our minds are consumed with some sort of problem which has lead us to a resentment.

John William Waterhouse is one of my favorite artists. His women are so sensual, his paintings so full of intensity. This particular painting caught my eye tonight because what I would like to do with a particular citation and a particular jerk associated with N is throw them into a big cauldron and swirl them around together for awhile. Fortunately, I do not believe in bad majic and do believe in the law of return. I also believe in karma. I've seen it in action, in my own life and in the lives of others, and it's a bitch sometimes. I do tire of the dishonesty and backstabbing which seems to be so prolific in South Florida. As well, I feel that protecting oneself is allowed and I encourage others to do so as I try to protect myself and my own family in appropriate ways.

On another note, I had a nice conversation with a woman a couple of days ago, someone who I've met before but never really talked with at great length. In the course of our conversation, she mentioned that she had a book in her car which had fallen off a shelf a few days earlier. She said that perhaps it was me who needed to read it, and she offered to let me borrow it. As I scanned the cover, I noticed it was decorated with a Goddess figure. I began reading it last night and it is a great book, probably just what I need to be reading at this point in time, when my inner strength is being called upon more than it has in quite some time. I'm at a point along the road where I need to be solid within myself, confident and independent, and definite about who I am and what I believe in. In the past month or so two different women have come into my life who follow the Old Ways to varying degrees. I marvel at how much I'm called back in that direction every time I stray away, and am reminded of what a cherished friend told me recently-that this way is not for everyone, but those who are called are called for a reason. And so, I turn again to spirit to quell my rage, to calm my spirit, and to once again become a rational person. Trust me when I say that this crazy Irish girl from Boston needs all the help she can get!

Wednesday

This picture was taken from my back "yard". Some days I feel truly blessed to live in a subtropical place! When I took the shot I didn't think the sunrise colors would show up so well but I guess digital can do amazing things. When I looked at the picture in my camera, I was happy to find that the mood of the morning was captured accurately.

I have been sleeping horribly every night since N has been away. I'm not sure why; maybe just the idea of him not being home and the anxiety that stirs up? Last night the dining room light went off and on all by itself, while the other lights downstairs stayed on. That spooked me, and when I didn't hear from N after that (he's been calling every night) I became worried. My Step Mom said that probably it was my Dad messing around with us, and I didn't feel any bad energy in the room, but I still felt spooked. I took some pictures in the upstairs hallway/stairway landing, but nothing showed up in the resulting shots and probably I'm just being paranoid. I'm planning a trip to the gym this morning, once I get my little one up and out the door and that should improve my mood, which is leaning toward grumpy today!

St. Francis Orbs

I love reading about paranormal activity and have had many experiences on my own, although I have never captured anything out of the ordinary on film. This picture was taken by a friend of ours at St. Francis Mission, which is a church but also a place where people go to find recovery from addiction. There are quite a few people who have entered this Mission seeking recovery; not all have made it and it would not be hard to believe that some of them could be hanging around in spirit form. Due to the transparency of the orbs, I tend to think they might simply be dust particles. Recently, I read that orbs tend to be more solid, rather than transparent or containing "faces". I don't know too much about this, though; I am still learning. At any rate, it's an interesting picture. I look forward to taking some of my own, maybe on a digital camera. Because I didn't capture this shot, I don't know if it was taken with a flash or what the light conditions in the room were.

Hooray!!!!

I just received the confirmation that N is flying back on Friday; he should be in sometime shortly after noontime (although these flights can take longer due to the need to stop in Customs). I am so happy that he is confirmed to come back, less happy that he has to fly on one of these little planes. I will be very happy when he is safely back on U.S. soil, although I'm not sure how "safe" of a place Miami these days. I say this laughing, but not altogether kiddingly. Last night we hung out with a girl friend of mine and now we're going the library. I've been keeping busy and things have been okay, but there's this little hole.....I do tend to believe that when we marry someone with whom we are deeply and truly in love, our souls join in some way, so that when one is away from the other there exists a feeling of something being missing. This doesn't mean that we can't exist and be happy while we're alone, for we create our own happiness or sadness. It just means that we feel more complete when our beloved is close again.

Shalom.

Sunday Morning

Little One and I had a very uneventful day yesterday, in spite of all my grand plans. Having experienced a fitful night of sleep on Friday night, I could not get up on time yesterday and found us still at home at 3pm, feeling at once completely unmotivated to travel anyplace and guilty for not getting us out. Today I think we will meet up with a girl friend of mine to peruse the local flea market and have some lunch.

Happy Father's Day to all of the fathers out there!!!! I have gifts and cards for my beloved, but he won't receive them until he returns home; we decided to wait so that he could enjoy them without feeling rushed. Since my own father died when I was twenty years old, I have conflicting feelings about the holiday. Even after all of the years that have passed, I find myself in tears at the greeting card display while searching for a card for my husband, although the sadness has dissipated quite a bit since I've married and had a child of my own. My husband is a fantastic father and a husband beyond my wildest dreams, and it's hard to be deeply grateful and deeply sad at the same time! Besides that, my father still comes to me once in awhile, to let me know he's around and watching out for me. At least once he's literally saved my life.

On a completely different note, I think my mind is slipping. Either I have too many thoughts simultaneously dancing around in my head at any given hour of the day, or I need to start performing some of those memory enhancing exercises!!! I believe the problem to be more the former, but a bit of mind exercise probably wouldn't hurt. This morning while typing at the computer, I noticed my wedding set was not on my finger. Panic!!!! Where are my rings??? Did they slip off somehow without my noticing while I was cleaning the breakfast dishes? A quick search of my little green jewelry box quelled the fear; there were my rings, safely nestled among the others I usually wear, yet I have no recollection of having removed them and placed them there. A few days ago I noticed that my claddaugh ring was missing, then realized I'd never put it on. I swore during my frantic search (the ring was given to me at the age of sixteen by a dear friend and has much emotional value) that I'd placed it on my finger, but obviously it had never found its way there that morning, since it too was located in the aforementioned jewelry box. Since my daughter is three years of age, I can't blame my memory lapses on "mommy brain"; they aren't hormone related. Perhaps, though, I need to become a tiny bit more focused on the tasks at hand and try to avoid thinking about twenty things at one time. This will be hard for my ADD challenged mind to do, but probably necessary for my continued sanity!

Feeling Pretty Calm Today

I really am feeling a sense of peace today (although that could melt away on Thursday, after N leaves-I'm such a wimp!!!). The sky is overcast, with just a small patch of blue peeking through a corner of my window. I like rainy days once in awhile; I think that perpetual sunshine is bad for the soul (not to mention my hair). A good friend lit a candle for me for strenght and it seems to have helped. I actually did not know she'd done it until after I started feeling better. When she advised that she'd done a little ritual to help me get through these minor rough patches in my current life I thought, "Oh, no wonder I suddenly started to feel better!!!" And it really was sudden; I woke up one morning recently feeling a sense of inner peace, with not as much of my separation anxiety screaming it's keening-like song in my head. That said, I am trying to get N a flight booked out of Haiti for when he gets the job finished. The company for whom he's working gave him an open ended ticket and I need the information with regard to that ticket in order to get him booked on a flight for next Friday, which is currently available but might not be in a day or so (the airplanes only have 16 or 18 seats on them, or something like that). In the meantime, I have tons of things to do today, culminating in soccer with Little One and possibly a date with my husband before Haiti Day. The latter activity depends, of course, on the babysitter coming to our rescue on short notice. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Peace to all and have a good Tuesday.

That Time Again

It seems like I was just raving about how happy I was that N had returned home, and now it's almost time for him to leave again. This time around, I'm sad but also grateful that we have this job going on. The economy is very scary. Prices are skyrocketing faster than the dollar amounts in paychecks. Foreclosures are rampant here in Florida; it seems like every few nights the evening news is broadcasting some type of story about people losing their homes. Criminals are becoming bolder, attacking people in parking lots during the daytime hours and robbing homes in broad daylight. Just a couple of days ago, here in Florida, a family had their (very large) boat taken from their driveway, while the daughter slept and the neighbors went about their business. This happened during the day, yet none of the neighbors took notice and the criminals got away easily. A close friend showed my husband a house in Fort Lauderdale yesterday; a nice house that is close to possibly being in our price range. We are going to look at this weekend, maybe. The idea of buying a home is frightening, though. How will finances be next year? Next week? Next month???? Will we get any new jobs that offer substantial money? Will I be able to homeschool my daughter, as I'd like to do, or will I have to find outside work? I'm considering some sort of home job doing something artistic, but the issue of time weighs heavy on me. I never seem to have the extra time to create for any length of time, and if people are struggling to pay their bills they aren't going to pay to buy artwork. Hope, faith, prayer, are important right now.

On a positive note, I'm getting ready for the Summer Solstice. My energy is good today and in spite of being a bit fearful of what the future might bring, I'm in a positive mood.

Ah, Love

My husband recently returned home from a trip to a far away place which he took for business. I was not happy about him leaving, and was even unhappier to actually experience him being away. In the four years of our marriage separation has been a rare event and I've been grateful for that. Normally N's work doesn't neccessitate him leaving town, without us or otherwise, but with the economy as slow as it is taking a job in Haiti seemed like a good move; hopefully it will be completed quickly and we can put this chapter of life behind us. I am thankful that he will only be gone for short intervals and not extended periods of time. I realized last week that I would make a horrible military wife!

When I mentioned being saddened by his absence I was suprised by some of the reactions I received. Some women responded with hoots that they would love to have their husbands leave town for awhile; they would enjoy the time alone. Other people commented on the need for independence, mistakenly thinking that I missed my husband because I somehow could not function without him here. The wonderful thing I realized in N's absence is that I did not miss him because I absolutely needed him here. I missed him for all of the little things that make up our life together: the smiles across the dinner table, the cuddles (etc...) at night, the way his cheeks dimple when he smiles, the deep vibration of his voice when he's holding me, hearing him stomp through the door at night in his workboots after a day of work. There's so much more than this, but I'll stop here as I can hear some of you gagging. Really, though, it's not dependence (or codependence) that made me a little depressed after a couple of days here without my partner. It was a deep sense of connection, a real, true love. A feeling of a huge part of me being missing; a peice of my soul being disconnected.

I'm not looking forward to N's next trip out (the travel arrangements are a bit shaky for my taste-too much uncertainty once he gets there as to how he will be getting home and when). I will be sad when he leaves and will probably count the days until his return. But, it's nice to have the realization of what a HUGE gift I've been given in my husband. Since I believe that G-d has a hand in everything and that most of the adversity we experience is his way of teaching us something that will help us to grow, I believe that this is part of what he needed to show me and to show us. We can go it alone when necessary, but it's a whole lot more fun to face life with our partner by our side, cheering us on.

So Many Lies Being Spread About Israel

Please take a minute to read this:

http://www.jewishworldreview.com/0508/nakba.php3?printer_friendly