Manic Monday

Well, it's 9:23pm, I'm tired, my daughter has not had her bath yet and I thought it would be a good time to post a blog. Actually, I was waiting for the tub to fill and was planning on blogging then, but I spent too much time reading other blogs and nearly overfilled the bathtub. Yep, it's Monday. We spent the whole day running errands and doing paperwork. I think I'm busier now than I ever have been in my life, including the time I spent working at the law office as a legal assistant. My daughter just came in and handed me a diaper. I guess that means it's time to take a bath and get her jammies on. Did I mention how busy life is nowadays??? It's great, though. I love being busy in this sort of way. For years I prayed to be busy in this sort of way. I was always kind of afraid of being a mom, but now that I am I find that it's a natural sort of role, and one I much prefer to the constant, unrewarding stress of being a legal assistant. If I'd stayed in my old job I would've had to go back to school to do something else, because I would've fried like an onion ring after too many more years of staring at a computer screen and talking on the phone, making money at a job that gave me absolutely no creative release but paid my bills and provided me with medical insurance. It's so scary and sad how sometimes life hands us jobs and we become afraid to leave them for fear of losing our security, even though they are jobs we really don't like, jobs we hate, even. I didn't hate the law office; it was a great opportunity and helped me buy my first new car. I enjoyed certain aspects of law and even considered going to law school. Anyway, my daughter's spirit had other ideas and wanted to be born and decided to be born to N and me, and we were blessed. Which brings me to another bath time and a good bye and good night to you all.

Snnnnnnoorrrreeeee.....

Sorry. I just almost passed out at my computer, which would not be a good thing since my two year old is downstairs with a cup of water and a palette of watercolors. I'm trying to nurture her artistic spirit, and so far she's really digging it, so I'm going with it. I love seeing what she comes up with and have several of her masterpeices posted around our home. I'm unbelievably tired right now and am looking forward to going to bed early, if that turns out to be possible. Exciting, I know, but I had a day of doing lots of running around and constantly being "on" and I'm worn out now that the day is melting into the beginning of evening (although, I have to admit, that I mean "melting" only in a figurative sense; it's still quite light outside, if not a bit overcast). I read an article in a parenting magazine today wherein a woman talked about her child's siblings. I felt a twinge in my stomach as I read about how her daughter interacts with her brother and sister, how they help her as she learns the art of growing from a baby into a little girl. I felt sad because I am one of six children, I'm close with all of my siblings and am glad I have them, and I know that my daughter will never have that bond with a brother or sister herself. You might think that there is no way I can know this with certainty, but I know this as surely as I know that the cow jumps over the moon (I swear that I actually saw this happen during an all nighter when my daughter was in her first few days of life-at least, it sure looked like a cow...). It's amazing how much our bodies tell us if we're in tune with their rythms. When my little one was almost ready to make her appearance on the stage of life, I began feeling an urgency to get my house ready for her arrival and to finish my projects at work as much as was possible. Although everyone laughed and said I still had time, I knew that I did not. I could feel my body telling me that it could contain her no more and that soon I would be holding my daughter in my arms rather than in my belly. My last day of work at my old job was the day I went into labor (I actually began going into labor at work, but I was in denial about the fact for a few hours); I worked up to the last possible minute because deep down inside I knew I would not be returning and I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone else to resolve. Recently, I thought about how nice it would be to have a son. His name would be William, after my grandfather (Will for short), and he would be as full of life and vigor as his older sister. He's just a dream. I know in my heart that no more children will make residence within my body, however, and I'm okay with that. Pregnancy wasn't all that much fun, even though there were moments that were positively magical and those moments are ones I wouldn't trade for all the cranberries on the Cape (or that used to be on the Cape for companies like Ocean Spray took over the cranberry industry). The moment I saw my daughter for the first time far surpassed any sickness or other discomfort experienced while I was carrying her. I enjoy being able to focus all of my attention on her, though. My energies aren't drained by the attention of many; we can afford to take her places that we couldn't visit if we had more than one child and I have a very special bond with her. And, I'm too tired at the end of the day to be able to even imagine having any more kids!

Grateful to be Sober

Yesterday I visited the hospital with N, to see a friend of his who is probably dieing from cirrhosis of the liver, combined with a few other issues. N didn't actually get in to see him, because he was just waking up and was very emotional after visiting with his immediate family. I guess that's how it is when you're not sure if you're going to wake up again every time they give you something so you can sleep. N was good friends with this guy for lots of years and they enjoyed many diving trips, party nights and Ja only knows what else together. It's very sad for him to see J in this condition; everyone is powerless to do anything for him except to pray and to be there to see him through the ordeal. I feel badly for the guy; I met him only once but he had a very good energy. He is one of those people who I liked immediately. Apparently, he had that effect on lots of people and was quite the ladies man in his day. Anyway, he's 51, and this might be the end of the line, and there is something profoundly frightening about that to me. After we went to the hospital I called my brother Kenny and talked with him for half an hour. Seeing J's daughter brought back many old feelings for me, from when I was in the hospital waiting to find out if my own Dad was going to pull through (he didn't). I felt like all I could do was call my own family and tell them I love them.

Mall Rat Wednesday

Today was a good day, but after yesterday's post I'm ashamed to admit that today I had a case of the "I wish we made more money" blues. I guess it was triggered by our trip to the mall; we went there to meet up with a girl friend and her kids. We had a great time-ate lunch together and talked. The kids had a chance to socialize a little bit and then K had to leave because she had some work to do at home. I spent another hour or so walking around with Little One. I followed where she lead and immersed myself in her world. To a toddler, even the smallest things can be interesting. She broadens my world quite a bit. The thing is, I want to give her everything I had and more. Sometimes it gets to me that I can't give her as much as I'd like to-I see other moms at the mall buying these cute little outfits that I know I can't afford, and sometimes I'll see a toy that I think my daughter would enjoy but it's too much money at the moment. We are able to give her a lot, and I think that I'm probably worrying about nothing, but it's hard to not want your child to have the best of everything. When the time comes for her to start school, I want to send her to a good school. No, a great school. If, when our daughter is of school age, we're still living in the area we live in now, we'll need to think about an alternative to the public school system since most of the public schools down here aren't ones I would sent her to. There are some great Jewish schools available to us, so at least there are options, but some of those schools are quite expensive. I would love to be able to just send her wherever we think she would best thrive, without money being such an issue. We live a good life; I'm not complaining. We're currently in a slump because some people who owe us money haven't paid us, and once they do pay us we'll be in a better position. That said, some financial insecurity has probably been triggered in me that, in turn, lead to my feeling frustrated by the mall today. Business ownership is scary because there is never a guarantee of a paycheck and some months/weeks are frightening. This is one of those weeks. I think that the solution for me today is to think about the things for which I am grateful, and there are many. Today is today, and today we're okay, financially and otherwise. I may not have had the money today to buy anything at the mall (other than lunch, for which I'm grateful because some people can't afford to take their kids out to lunch), but we had fun just the same. My daughter cared about being out running around, not about me buying her a new pair of shoes or a new toy, and I couldn't put a price value on the time I get to spend with her right now. I cherish this time beyond words.

A Day at a Time

Having been full of stress, fear, and a constant feeling of being overwhelmed, I resolved to try the "one day at a time, live in the moment" mantra once again. When I live in each moment and don't obsess about all of the bad things that might happen, or the things which I want to happen which might not, or about the things that I need to get done which I'm not doing at that moment, etc., I become filled with an anxiety that ruins the moment I'm in and fills my day with an ever present feeling of fear and hopelessness. I took my new attitude to the park today with Little One and we had a great time, even though I felt tired today and wasn't one hundred percent. Digging in the sand, swinging my daughter on the swing, flying down the slide, and climbing all have amazing therapeutic value, especially when a two year old who is completely in the moment is with you, reminding you of what is really important in this life. The world wants you to think it's making money, or buying that shiny new car they keep advertising on television, or what's happening next week on Desperate Housewives, or dying your hair that magnificent shade of L'Oreal blonde/stretching your eye lashes to illegal lengths with this amazingly black mascara which will make heads turn and instantly transform you into the goddess that you wish you were back when the kids were making fun of you in grammar school/high school for just being who you were. Just about every advertisement on t.v. plays to our egos, to the hurts inflicted upon us as children which we seek to heal in adulthood, to wanting to be better liked/loved, to be more attractive (usually on the outside). Hummer tries to convince us that buying a big, gas guzzling monstrosity of a vehicle will make men feel more manly, or will get us revenge on the other soccer mom who tried to push us around at the field while tossing back her silky red locks carelessly, a diamond the size of a baseball adorning the hand doing the tossing. It's all B.S. The world wants us to think that all of this material crap will fill the holes within us when all this stuff does is temporarily mask the pain, until the stuff isn't new anymore and reality once again encroaches. Don't get me wrong, having "stuff" isn't wrong in itself, nor is wearing makeup, dying our hair, or wearing clothes that fit our personalities. It's when we use these outside things to completely define who we are, or we think that by changing our outside appearance or buying a vehicle that we think makes us look tougher, smarter, etc. we'll change our lives for better that we get into trouble. The key lies within; finding a spiritual center, learning how to reach out to other people who need us, finding the time to hang out with our kids at the park and to really be there with them, instead of thinking about all of the things that we need to do once we get home. Childhood doesn't wait for anyone. Someday my daughter will be grown and I don't want to look back and realize all I missed because I was dwelling on things that I won't even be able to remember years from now. So, one day at a time, one moment at a time, live in the now. Now is what's happening.

Happy HNT

Happy day!!! I couldn't decide which picture to use so I used both... I just got finished having lunch with little one, after we went to the park and ran around for an hour or so. Now I'm tired; coffee is a-brewin' and I'm going to have me a cup and try to make it through the rest of the afternoon. I need to be awake; I want to get a little bit of painting done, if possible. The key is getting Little One to watch an hour or so of Noggin or some other educational show. That's about the only way I can get her to settle down briefly, and sometimes even that doesn't work. Since the end of the beloved nap time, it's hell trying to find time for my artistic pursuits but I need that time to create. Well, too tired to think of anything else to say, so I'm going to attempt a recharge and hit the forward button.

Post Camping

Our camping trip was so much fun, despite the rain which threatened on both Friday and Saturday to make life miserable. Our little group got it together, pitched tents and made a fire, and when the rain would let up we'd gather around the fire hanging out and eating and enjoying each other's company and the quiet of the woods. Friday night after everyone turned in the rains came down with a fury, and our tent leaked a bit. We had puddles on the floor in the morning but nothing got seriously wet and a tarp tossed over the roof took care of the problem on Saturday. Salt Springs Recreation Area is beautiful. Because it's near Daytona and in the Ocala National Forest, the nights are much cooler than they are here in South Florida and that was a welcome change (although Sunday night temps. dropped into the 40's and those of us with South Florida blood were a bit chilly when we ventured out of our sleeping bags!). Little One had a blast. For her the park was like a big playground; she had three days of being able to run around to her heart's delight and I think she inspired the rest of us to run around when the rains came. She cared nothing about whether it was raining; she was running around laughing and shouting and just being happy about being alive and being outside. She's my little hero. Sunday morning I got up early and walked alone down a path in the woods. The woods are where I feel the most at home, and I was basking in the songs of the birds, the hollow sound of a redheaded woodpecker knocking at a tree trunk, the whisper of the wind in the trees. When I arrived at the lake a mist was rising off of it, creating this mystical atmosphere, and I stood just trying to be a part of the whole scene, blending in with the birds, and the frogs and the trees and the squirrels playing in the woods. It was awesome. Now we're back in civilization again, but I feel refreshed. I was really feeling mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained before we left and the trip helped me to put my life back into perspective again. Standing in the woods, surrounded by nature and God and nothing else, I was really able to find my inner peace again. In a recent meditation my spirit guide told me that I would find my home within the woodlands, and now I know what he meant. At the time I thought I knew what he meant, but now I really understand, because when I entered into that meditation I was pleading for guidance and for a pathway to some deep peace and centeredness. Super cool.

Gone Campin'!!!

Tomorrow morning we hit the road and head up to Salt Springs Recreation Area. Salt Springs Rec. Area is located in the Ocala National Forest, not too far from Daytona Beach, where N and I are considering moving. (This beautiful picture was taken in Daytona Beach, but not by me.) It will be nice to be in the woods for a couple of days with some friends and no cell phone reception. Being a business owner, the only way my husband can really get away is if he either leaves his cell phone home or goes someplace where no one can reach him and he will thus have no guilt if he doesn't answer/return the phone calls right away. For us this is important, since his cell phone rings so much that sometimes I want to chuck it into a canal. I'm thankful that he is busy with work because that's how we live, but sometimes we need time away from it all. Now I must go pack. I've packed nothing so far and we still need to go out tonight and buy food and a new tent (the one from last year isn't quite going to cut it this trip). See ya'll on Monday afternoon or Tuesday morning!!!

Mug Shot Monday

Since I can't do much with HNT, since I feel kinda funny about it, having a husband and a two year old and all, I'm doing a new thang-- MSM. Join in if ya like. I never really take myself seriously and thought it'd be fun to do a semi sexy, kinda silly picture.

I feel pretty good today. Yesterday I was in a horrible depression (which I think I hid fairly well from the rest of the world). I hate when that happens but I've basically accepted it as part of my chemical make up. Yesterday I felt frustrated with myself, though. I wanted the sadness to GO AWAY as soon as possible. Of course, today, when I feel good, I can't remember exactly how bad I felt yesterday. Depression runs in my family, and it scares me a little bit. Yesterday I had to socialize with some friends and it was a major effort. I didn't want to be a downer, so I tried to smile and laugh and deal with my temporary chemical imbalance. Maybe it's part of being an artist. If I need to experience these swings in mood in order to be a truly creative person, so be them. Today I'm doing paperwork and I'm going to take the babe for a walk after lunch. She has another cold and we're going camping this weekend, so I'm trying to avoid having her around other people too much. I want her to make a speedy recovery, if possible, before we hit the woods. This picture is a decidedly unwoodsy shot, but it's got me all over it-girly to the max, blonde as hell, colorful make-up, tattoos. And, I was happy when I took it-very happy, even. Which is me most of the time.

Smile!!!!

I'm so tired I can scarcely believe that I am online right now, logged into Blogger and talking about my day. I must be out of my mind to not be snuggled cozily under the covers right now. Sigh. So, I went to the dentist today, after about six years of not going to the dentist because I detest (with a vengeance) having anyone poking around in my mouth (hmm, now THAT'S a loaded gun waiting to go off....). Scrape, scrape, poke, poke, scrape, scrape, "you have beautiful teeth!", scrape, scrape, "do you floss?", poke, poke. The good news is that after about two hours of dental debauchery, I have good tooth enamel and no cavities. The bad news is that I need to have part of two teeth bonded a bit because I used to brush my teeth too hard and I guess part of the dentin has been exposed. It doesn't look gross, or anything, but over time it will get worse and probably really hurt a lot. It's not too big of a deal, except that I'll have to go back to the dentist next Tuesday and hopefully N will be able to meet me again and watch the baby. If not, my next trip won't be much fun for anyone involved. =) That was my fun for the day. Now I think I'll go to bed, since I can scarcely formulate words right now.

Sunday Sunday

It's actually been a bit chilly here over the past couple of days, at least by Florida standards. It feels good; a nice change from the sweltering heat that hangs over us for most of the year, making all outdoor activity highly uncomfortable for someone like me, who dislikes having my skin fried like a chicken. N and I went to a concert last night with the Darkstar Orchestra. We had a blast!!! The band is a Grateful Dead cover band, and I was skeptical at first, but as soon as we pulled into the parking lot and I could hear their music I was excited. I danced for two hours straight!!!! It almost felt like going back in time, except I wasn't on any sort of an artificial high....I found that one can really enter into a sort of high just by listening to someone banging a good drum beat-at one point I felt like I was in a trance, with my eyes closed and my body floating on the rythm. A friend babysat for us, so we were able to go and really feel free to enjoy the atmosphere. If Little One had been with me I would have spent the whole night worrying that I was going to somehow lose her in the crowd. That would not have been fun!!! The old Deadhead days may be gone, but it was fun to go and groove with a band who I feel really sounds like the Grateful Dead- I was hoping I'd see some old fellow Deadheads there, but no luck. I'm still looking for John Schindler, who I haven't seen in many years. Maybe someday our paths will cross once more.

Happy Late Valentine's Day

I hope everyone had a nice Valentine's Day. Ours was good, although I must confess that we have yet to open the gifts we bought for each other!!! We actually got a babysitter last night and went out on the motorcycles with another couple. My husband bought a new Harley Night Train model and it's killer; we haven't been able to ride it much together since we have a little one, but last night we finally got out. We went to dinner at a seafood restaurant on the intracoastal waterway, then hung out at the home of one of my husband's old buddies. There was lots of dysfunction going on there, but everyone seemed to be having fun and it didn't involve those of us who were visiting so it was all good. My life has changed so much in the past eight years that it's hard for me to imagine myself still doing the same things I was doing back when I was in college, but some people can continue that lifestyle without much consequence, provided they aren't interested in things like having a family and being more settled down. I wanted that stuff, at least eventually, and that crazy lifestyle isn't healthy within a marriage (usually), as I quickly discovered. Four years later that marriage was over and I'd migrated to Florida...where I met current hubby and found out what it's like to be in a functioning marriage. Wow!!!

I hate major changes to stuff like blog sites!!!!!

Okay, already I hate this new blogger situation, because suddenly it's verrryyyyy sloowwwww. Also, the pictures are taking forever to show themselves and I haven't a clue as to how to post my own pictures here. I hate it when everything works just fine and then it has to be changed and I have to learn how to use something all over again. Oh, okay, the picture button just popped up, several minutes after this window opened. Maybe it's just my computer today. Maybe I'm too tired to be blogging tonight. I guess I'll be back again tomorrow!!!!

Sometimes....

JOSH GROBAN / TO WHERE YOU ARE(Richard Marx/Linda Thompson)

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillnessI can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be
That you are mine Forever love

And you are watching over meFrom up above
Fly me up to where you areBeyond a distant star

I wish upon tonightTo see you smile

If only for awhileTo know you're there

A breath away's not farTo where you are
Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you

Just one beat awayI cherish all you gave me Everyday
Cause you are mine forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe that angels breath

And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up to where you are

Beyond a distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhileTo know you're there

A breath away's not far To where you are
I know you're there

A breath away's not far To where you are

I love you, Dad. I miss you.

My Dad has been gone since 1989 but sometimes I still miss him-no I always miss him, but sometimes I miss him more terribly than at other times. Sometimes the pain is just as strong as it was the day he died; it's like if I long for him to be back with enough gusto maybe I'll pick up the phone and he'll be on the other end. I used to hope that someday I would have a daughter, and that I would be able to give her a great father, like I had. I got that wish with my husband and my little girl, and it's a really, really special thing. Still, when a person goes through something traumatic like losing a parent suddenly and in a somewhat violent manner, he or she might carry that post traumatic stress around within them for years, even for a lifetime. I still feel the effects of that. It causes me to really value the people with whom I'm close in a special, deep way and that's good. It's hard sometimes, though, to hold those fears inside. Anyway, thanks A and M for missing my posts!!! My computer was acting funny for a few days and I've just been able to get back online, and blog. Luv you guys.

A Little Celtia

Many years back I began studying Celtic spirituality. This interest was encouraged both by a boyfriend I was involved with at the time who found the "usual" religions to be distasteful at best and by the women's studies classes I was taking, which made me question the validity of patriarcal religions as a whole. Having grown up with both Christianity and Judaism (my Mom's side of the family is Catholic and my Father's Jewish, although my Dad's Mom was born Irish Catholic; she renounced the religion after an unfortunate incident with a perverted Catholic priest) I learned about both over the years of my childhood but always fluctuated back and forth between the two. It was only upon entering college and meeting A that I realized the broad reach of spirituality-that other pathways existed to God besides the two religions I'd been introduced to in my younger days. During those times when I wasn't sure what I actually beleived in-what was right and true for me- I always knew that I was Irish. That, at least, had been emphasized by my family while I was growing up; what they lacked in religious furvor they made up for in Irish pride. When I was eight months pregnant with Little R I completed a conversion to Judaism and immersed myself in the mikvah (ritual bath) to be ritually reborn into this new faith. It was a beautiful moment, aside from almost drowning due to the turbulent waters and rip currents created by a recent hurricane (who knew the ocean would be so violent that day???). Lately, I've been needing to connect more with my Celtic heritage and have been turning to my spirit guides and the wisdom of my ancestors to help me to do that. I'm currently reading a book called Kindling the Celtic Spirit, by Mara Freeman and am finding it very helpful as far as learning more about the history of Celtic spirituality and as a guide for some special rituals I can do to celebrate the movement of the Celtic year. Re-embarking on this path has added an extra sparkle to my day and I look forward to this journey. There truly are many paths to both the masculine and feminine aspects of God; may you be blessed with a wonderful spiritual journey yourself!

Blasted Cold Viruses!!!!

Just when I thought we were all getting over all of our various "bugs", Little R (who seemed fine for the first half of the day) was suddenly, at noontime, inconsolable. She started crying and screaming and just wanted me to hold her. She nibbled a few Saltines down and then we snuggled on the couch for awhile and watched Lilo and Stitch. Eventually, she fell asleep, but only briefly. She managed a grilled cheese sandwich at the dinner table and is now sleeping soundly. She seemed to be feeling better during the evening hours. Hubby is also sick now; he is burning a fever and was complaining of a headache and an upset stomach. Arghhhh!!!! This is the worst time of year here in Florida, because so many people come to visit and they bring with them all kinds of viruses for which we Floridians have no defense. I wish that I could go back home to Boston for a few months every year; I was hardly ever sick when I lived up there, despite the chilly winters. Well, here's to a good night's sleep and feeling better tomorrow!

Sick Day

Bean was sick today; she woke up this morning throwing up, with a slight fever and feeling very cranky. She didn't eat much today but she seems to be feeling a lot better tonight. She's been Mommy's little shadow all day long, and I felt so bad for her that she was sick (although I've been sick also!). I went to a meeting tonight and was glad I did, even though I felt like sitting at home and continuing the process of getting over this cold. I've done everything I can, short of going to the doctor, to get rid of it. I've tried healing meditations, eating right, taking vitamins, drinking lots of fluids. The key ingredient that I'm having difficulty getting is rest. There isn't much time to rest with a two year old, basically three jobs (one as a Mom, one as a book keeper for my husband's business, and one as an artist) and too few hours in the day. The meeting I went to tonight was about having humility, and also about having the confidence in ourselves to pursue our goals and dreams without feeling the certainty that we'll fail. I sometimes need to work on this one. Sometimes I'm my own worst critic, but if I just keep on keepin' on I find that my confidence builds. That's all from me tonight. Peace to the blogger world. Tra la la.

Hi from South Florida

Gads, there has been so much death around me lately. Not of people with whom I'm close, thankfully, but still, it's right there. Given my past, I'm a bit supersticious and creeped out when there is so much death at the doorstep. I've lost lots of people who were close to me. I don't take any day or even any moment for granted, nor do assume that I will have time to do this or that "next year" or even "next week". People sometimes say I'm too paranoid, but to me it's just reality. Being in this blogger community for just a short time, I didn't know Betcha, but I hope that she is okay and alive somewhere out there. I'm hoping that something not so bad is amiss and that's why she hasn't checked into the online community. When I read A's blog, I freaked out and thought he might be talking about Stealthbombshell, so I checked her blog; thankfully, she was okay, but that lead me to finding out who actually is missing, and it freaked me out to think that this beautiful, young and obviously well loved woman had disappeared. So, today we had lunch with my daughter's Bubbie. She has been sick for a long time and is having surgery in about three weeks. She will probably be okay, but you never know, so even though R and I are both sick, we met with her for lunch and just made sure not to get too close to her (which is very difficult for her given that she loves R so much!!!). My Dad always told us to tell people you love that you love them every time you say goodbye. I think he was right about that, 'cuz you just never know what could happen once you part ways.

Saturday Night

So, today wasn't the best of days, but we're safe, healthy and here in our own home so I guess things aren't all that bad. We had planned to go to the circus today with Little One, but N had it in his mind that the circus was at a different arena from the one where it was actually taking place in Miami, and we didn't have time to backtrack. In short we missed the whole thing and spent $100.00 for nothing. That put N in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and I wasn't too happy either, especially since that meant that we came home and he watched football all day while we hung around the house bored out of our skulls. Finally, at around 7:30, I took Little One out for a walk around our development. It is beautiful night here tonight and I couldn't bear to spend another minute indoors, and besides that, the baby was going crazy, much as she is right now. Sigh. Tomorrow is another day!!!!

Bahama What????!!!!

My husband let it slip tonight that he is in the bidding for a job in the Bahamas that will take about ten years to complete. He never mentioned to me that he was going to bid a job that required us to move to the Bahamas and, quite frankly, I'm freaking out. I'm not sure what the chances are that we will get it, and some of you might think I'm crazy for saying this, but I DO NOT want to move to the Bahamas. Me, I'm a mountain girl and an earth spirit. I like pine trees and cool breezes and deep woods and big mountains that I can climb. All I see in the Bahamas is lots of water, lots of beaches, and a whole lot of activities that involve agua, which is not my element. The local cuisine might be interesting, and I know that it's beautiful, but it is not my bag as a full time gig. That place gets hit horribly when hurricanes breeze through; I get stressed out enough about hurricanes living in Florida!!!! So, we shall wait and see what happens. Ee gads.

A New Year Begun

I'm a little screwed up today, but just trying to focus on my spirituality. Yesterday my focus was on trying to live with integrity and humility, and practice peace, since the day before yesterday I had a verbal knock down with a woman at an AA meeting who complained about my daughter. My daughter quietly colored for all but the last ten minutes of the meeting, when someone gave her two cookies and she proceeded to go a little crazy. Meanwhile, this woman never attends this meeting (which happens to be my homegroup). She got in my face and I got back into hers. I never back down if I feel I'm right, but I wish that I'd handled myself a little better. I woke up the next day with an emotional hangover and needed to do a lot of spiritual work to get into a place of calm, a place where I wasn't going over the altercation in my mind again and again. Anyway, there is something else throwing me a bit off today. Our friend's girlfriend just got out of jail and she is hanging out with me today. Hopefully I can help her, but I guess I'm an intensely private person, and having someone else around my house is uncomfortable. I didn't expect that she would be here today and I wasn't asked in advance if this would be okay, although last night I agreed to it. I will be very happy when life returns to normal without all of this dysfunction. Where are we supposed to draw the line??? I'm never good at that; I want to help people, but I have to think about my daughter's well being first, and also, I suppose, my own peace of mind. Anyway, I'm trying to stay in a positive place.

Welcoming 2007

Happy New Year. What does it all mean? Another new year, another new resolution to do better in 2007, to be more organized in the business, more dedicated artistically, to get into better shape. Or, is it just another day? We make so much out of these holidays, but we can really start over again at any time. We don't need to have a new year on the calendar to get off our butts and do something about the intense dissatisfaction we feel over this, that, or something or other. Sometimes we use this "new year" stuff as a way to push off what we should be doing now. "I'll quit smoking when the new year comes around." "I'll lose that ten pounds." "I'll..." you get the idea. Which reminds me-I have a newspaper article I'm supposed to have finished within a couple of days. Crap!!!!

Happy New Year

The New Year is almost upon us; soon we'll be trying to remember to write "2007" on checks and other such things and embarking upon a new year. I don't really have any resolutions, so to speak, but I do have some goals that I'd like to see come to fruition. With the baby in non napping taking mode I've had a lot of difficulty finding time to paint, and that's been a bad thing for me, especially since one of my goals is to get a portfolio together. Eventually I'd like to maybe get back into school for art therapy, and the first step toward making that distant dream a reality is getting some current work together. I haven't been getting to enough meetings and I can feel it. Today I was driving down the road actually thinking about drinking, and even though I don't want to drink, really, I don't like when my mind wanders into that territory. It's a definite indication to me that I need to do something differently. The real indication to me that something is amiss is that I don't feel like getting drunk or anything, I just feel a need to "take the edge off". That is more dangerous than wanting to drink to stupidity because it's easier to fool the mind into thinking it's okay to "take the edge off" than it is to convince oneself that it's fine to get torn up. Our new year's eve plans include attending a sober party at a friend's house who throws a new year's eve bash every year. I've been to it for like seven years straight, but it's a safe place to go and it's a good time. At least I know I'll be around other sober people, which is super important to me, especially during the holidays when I'm struggling with being away from most of my family. I hope ya'll have a great and safe New Year's Eve!!!!

Happy Holidays

Just wanted to give a Merry Christmas shout out to everyone, since I probably will not be blogging over the weekend. We will probably be having some sort of Christmas Eve dinner here at our house for all of the people we know who don't have anyplace else to go. We usually manage to find a few people to hang out with us!!! I'm not sure what I'm making, maybe a big vat of "Christmas pasta", which has all sorts of yummy meats and stuff in it. It's not really a conventional dinner but I can make a big pot of it easily and since we've done all of the holidays here of late I want to make something that will be uncomplicated. Have a happy!!!!

Blahhhhh

I'm just in a baaad mood today. The only thing that snapped me out of it for awhile was going out for lunch with my daughter. As soon as I got back home all the negativity returned, and I don't know how long it will stay. I just wanted to be a Mom today. I wanted to take Little One to the playground and run around with her and just watch her be happy. Instead I wound up with a whole pile of work to do which I hadn't expected and which pissed me off immensely. It shouldn't have, I guess. I know I should just be grateful that we're getting business. I am grateful; I guess I just overwhelm easily and today I wasn't in the mood for the storm of paperwork which I suddenly found myself drowning in. I feel like I'm not a good Mom when I'm not able to take enough time in my day to go to the park or to just spend some one on one with my daughter, and that causes me to feel this very uncomfortable, burning resentment. When I got home, the stuff I needed had been faxed over, but for some reason the girl faxed it to me in this tiny, practically unreadable format and I had to enlarge it, which took me a few tries since my printer was not cooperating. I guess the holidays are starting to get to me a little bit too. I miss my hometown, miss my family, am getting fed up with this place (again), and just found out a friend of mine is moving away-far away. This person had an immensely positive effect on my life and it's hard to say goodbye even though we don't talk much anymore (he's a former boyfriend and since we're both with other people now I guess it's kind of awkward). I have a lot to be grateful for and I'm trying to focus just on that stuff but sometimes my darker side takes over. Today is just one of those days. Tomorrow will probably be better....

Hanukka First Night

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah and I should NOT be sitting here on the computer. I have tons of cooking to do. The baby is taking her nap (she has a cold and naps are super important right now in order for her to get better) and N should be home soon. I'm making Hanukkah cookies, latkes, Russian vegetable soup and a roast (which needs to cook for three hours-ahem!!!). The Hanukkah dinner at the temple was sold out. I guess I waited too long to buy the tickets, as usual. In my own defense I didn't actually know about the dinner until a few days ago. It's been grey and rainy here for the past couple of days, but I don't mind. Once in awhile I like days like this. Florida enjoys so many days of sunshine that I believe a dark day now and again is good for the soul. I guess that, being Irish, my heart can't take too many opressively hot, sunshiny days. My soul needs to be re-greened by the rain. For all of you celebrating Hanukkah tonight, have a happy. For everyone else, have a great night also!!! Now I must go and starting cooking, or we won't be eating dinner until midnight!!!

A Week of 12 (Stepping)

A good friend has been sleeping on our couch for the past week or so, trying to get back on his feet. It's been a good week, since he's been gone for awhile, out ripping and running, and it's good to see him back around, trying to stay on the right path. Who knows how things will go; it's all one day at a time, for sure, but I hope he can keep the clean gig going. It hurts to have lost so many to the disease of addiction and I pray not to lose another. I've known him for a long, long time and wish happiness and peace for him. He's going to a sober house tomorrow and I hope they allow him to stay; he's already tried one but they wouldn't take him because he has a job towing and usually towing jobs require some night hours. In the end, it's going to be about what he's willing to do to stay clean and sober. When his girl gets out of jail in four weeks I hope that she too will want to stay clean and sober. Right now she's all about recovery, but time will tell if that's what is really in her heart or if it's just jailhouse talk. At any rate, I feel very grateful for all of the blessings currently lending their sparkle to my own life. Hanukkah is approaching and we're getting ready for that, as well as Christmas (for my husband). I'm grateful to have a little family to share the holidays with and to have been able to buy some nice gifts for Little R, and to have been able to join in the Toys for Tots run on Sunday to give to some other little girl/boy who might not have so much. Plus, getting on the bike again after so much time away from it (good babysitters are difficult to come by-I don't trust too many people with my daughter) was a blast!

Tired of the War

I'm tired of hearing all the bs about why we need to still be in Iraq. I support our troops but I want them back home. George Bush refuses to budge in his stance that our country needs to stay in Iraq until a new democratic government has been established. Meanwhile, people keep dying, our men and women keep dying, and the President admitted in a television interview that this war might be similar to Vietnam. Everyone seems to be afraid to admit that they don't agree with current policy with regard to the conflict and speaking out often creates a situation where the speaker outer is publicy castigated for voicing what everyone with half a brain knows is true. My brother is a Marine. Once again, I will say that I support our troups. That does not mean that I feel this war should be continueing. We need to finish what we can and get out of there. That's just my opinion.

Plastic Surgery and Plastic Geese???

When we first moved into our new place I was excited by the sight of three ducks floating around in the pond outside (others here call it a lake, but I know better). They reminded me of living up north; we always had lots of geese at the park we visited when I was a little one. I was disappointed to discover that they are fake, markers used to keep track of some sort of plumbing needed to run the fountain in the middle of the "wildlife sanctuary". Eee gads. It's bad enough that more than half of the women living in this state (or, at least, the southern part of this state) have breast implants, that much of radio advertising is for plastic surgery centers and a large part of the population is more concerned with buying an expensive, flashy car than with the state of war we're currently under. I guess fake geese are more attractive than floating balls or something like that. I did see some seagulls and crows outside this morning. Pretty sure they were real....

Happy Pre-Turkey Day

I am currently in the middle of making sweet potatoes for a party we're going to at a friend's house tonight. She is have 26 or so people over; among the guests is my ex boyfriend, his new girlfriend and their new baby. It might be a little bit weird but I hope it isn't awkward. The hard feelings are well gone by now, and I love my life so much that I'm actually grateful, in a way, that the new babe helped to end a relationship that really wasn't traveling to anyplace good anyway. I took the bubelah to the playground earlier and she is sleeping soundly, which is good because if she doesn't take a nap the party tonight (which starts at the late hour of 8:30pm) won't be much fun for us or anyone in our immediate vicinity. My computer is annoying the hell out of me. Why is it that when I have only a few minutes to blog (which is pretty much every time I sit down at the computer) I have some computer issue (it's too slow, it's not downloading a picture I want to use, etc. etc.)??? That said, I will not be uploading the picture of cartoon turkey I'd planned on sharing with you. Oy. I hope you all have a wonderful turkey day, although I do feel very badly for all the turkeys out there, real and otherwise.

Sometimes I pine for home...

I didn't take this picture, but it looks very much like where I grew up. Now, living in Florida, I yearn for places like this. I live here in perpetual sprawl, where nothing is quite city or quite suburbs or quite country. I have to drive a long way to get out of the atmosphere we live in, and even then I wouldn't come across beautiful rolling hills like these unless I actually left the state. So funny that sometimes we leave home searching and return there to find exactly what it was we were looking for. Problem is, I can't just go back there now, because I have a whole life set up here. I have a great life, no complaints about that. It's just that my heart sometimes yearns for places like in this picture and it hurts so badly I feel the pain physically, like a blade in the side. Also, in my travels I've found that no matter how beautiful the place, no matter how nice the weather, no matter what new and groovy things there are to do, I still miss my family. I've never found people on whom I can depend as I can depend upon them. And, on a recent trip back home I discovered that my sister in law is like a twin separated from me at birth. We are so much alike it's eerie, although not surprising, since the brother she is married to is like the other half of my soul. Not being close to him in proximity is like having a part of my soul in another part of the country. It's not like I live in a horrible place, but I have a sense of disconnection all the time that I've never been able to quite shake. I have to constantly look at the good side of things and focus on my blessings always, and keep close to my Irish heritage, where I feel my roots. When I don't know what else I am, I know that I'm Irish. I know that I come from strong, courageous people who came to this country not knowing what they were getting into, filled with sorrow for having to leave a home they would most likely never see again. If they could do that, then I can survive another day in Florida!!!
I took this from Victorious Spirit's weblog. It's very cool. Check out her Johari window (I think you have to get it from her blog) and mine here: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Starfairie and make your own as well!!!!
Slàinte!!!
ps-If Blogger had actually uploaded my picture you would have seen a beautiful scene of rollings hills, autumn trees and New England homes. Blogger is NOT being friendly to me tonight.

Sighs of Determination

I'm a little bit tired today, but determined to live my life with more organization from today forward because I can't seem to get anything accomplished otherwise. My art, homelife and peace of mind have been suffering for the chaos in which I've been reveling and it has to stop. There is so much I want to accomplish outside of being a great Mom and a great partner to my husband; those things are infinitely important, but I didn't cease to be when I married and became a Mom. Lately I feel I've been resigning myself to the fact that I simply don't have time for my creativity and I've realized that, for an artist, the end of creativity is the end of the self. I've been going completely out of my mind with the pain of stifled energy. Little R is safely tucked into bed for her nap, the house is quiet, and I feel it's a good time to put on some Irish music and get to work cleaning up the rest of the mess that is our newly moved home. Once I get that done my free time will be available for artistic pursuits, and I can begin to feel a bit more like me again. I think I'm experiencing what lots of moms feel; I feel like there are so many demands on my time and so little time left over for doing the other things that I enjoy doing. Our lives are short, and they are the culmination of all of our experiences. It's up to me how I live my life and up to me to make me happy and to pursue my dreams. And, today's the day!!!! (By the way, the "Today's the Day" slogan was penned by Mel Fisher, not Monster.com, regardless of whether or not they trademarked it!!!!!)

Post Halloween

Well, Halloween is over and we've finally managed to get everything moved over to our new house!!!! Hooray!!!! I haven't been online in awhile because it took a few days to get back up and running again. Thankfully it didn't take very long because I feel disconnected when I can't blog, email friends, etc. Plus, I use the internet for work. Little R was not impressed with Halloween. It was about 85 degrees here and humid last night; too hot for her lion costume although she did look adorable. She seemed very unimpressed with the various princesses, skeleton men and gouls we passed during our foray around the new neighborhood, and we decided against going to my girl friend's neighborhood because it didn't seem like it would be much fun for her. She reported having a huge crowd over there, but I think it might have just been overwhelming for our little one. So, we came back here and handed out some candy and ate dinner (our first home cooked meal at the new house) and called it a night!!! We still have some candy left, in addition to the candy Little R collected, and there is enough of it that she's too young to eat to make the situation here dangerous. It seems that I'm a chocoholic, among other things, and will have to exercise much restraint until all the yummies are gone!

SO TIRED!!!!! Yeah, I know. Stop Bitchin'.....

I spent some more time working on the new house today. I cleaned up the kitchen (yay!!) and painted the kitchen table a beautiful shade of lapis lazuli to go with the purplish blue that I'm going to paint the kitchen walls. I used spray paint to the cover the base of the table, since it's metal and I had a lot of area to cover and I didn't notice until a friend pointed it out later that I got some of it in my hair. It's not very dark, but I have a fine mist of blue covering some of the strands around my face. It almost looks intentional, so I don't mind it so much. Pink would've been cooler, but pink would not have looked good in our kitchen. It will probably fade out; I'll wash my hair tomorrow and see how it goes. I'm wiped out tired right now. I had dinner with the family and a friend of ours at my favorite Irish restaurant and we were blessed with live Irish music. The fiddle player and the singer both were amazing. I love that kind of music; it speaks to something deep within my soul. It feels like something my spirit remembers from long ago.

Yay, we found a place!!!

We found a place; a really nice place!!!! We were bumming out because we'd turned down a killer condo on the beach due to some logistical problems, but I'm convinced that God is in charge and that He had this place in mind for us instead. We ended up renting a townhome in a nice community with a playground and a swimming pool. It's close to where we live now and close to the highway and it was within our price range. Phew!!!! Now at least when we're packing we'll know where we're moving the boxes to. We picked up some paint yesterday and I'm going to start painting some of the walls; I am so tired of living in white rooms. Some color please!!!! We had lunch yesterday with another couple who is searching for a new place and she offered to help me do some painting. The place is kind of dirty; really dirty, actually. The guy who lived there before us wasn't the cleanest of dudes, but the owner is letting us start moving and painting now so I don't mind doing the cleaning. It gives us time to move and to get the place more or less set up the way we want it to be. The other cool thing is that the place is a three bedroom, which means we'll have an office/studio space. This is important since the kitten has been eyeballing my canvas (just the one I'm working on, of course) and I need to have a room on which I can shut the door to keep out intruders! I'm very happy and relieved today!

It's my baby's birthday today. The big 2!!! Hard to believe that two years ago today we were in the hospital and she was brand new!!!!! We're just having a little soiree for her tonight, a few friends and some cake and ice cream. We'll tip back some strong coffee and do the gift thing. Well, little R will be tipping back some milk; we'll be enjoying the coffee....Have a great almost weekend day y'all!!!

Blah blah blah

Some days you gotta have attitude. Today, I feel pretty good. I met a girl friend of mine at the park with her kids and they and Little R played and ate lunch while she and I talked and hung out and played with them. It's nice to have another Mom around to talk with once in awhile. Yesterday I took Little One to a Mommy event at a book store which turned out to be miles and miles away from where we live, but it was worth the drive because when we got there she was excited to see the other kids. Focusing on her takes my mind away from all of the awful stuff going on in places near and far (and there always seems to be something awful going on, doesn't there?) and keeps me solidly grounded in the moment, which is where I need to be if I want to stay sane. The recent holidays made me think a lot about my Dad, but in a good way. I didn't focus so much on the sadness of missing him but rather on the happiness of all he gave me just by being my Dad. I actually feel very positive; the new year has made me feel like I can make the changes I've been wanting to make; somehow I feel a renewed energy to initiate positive action. I liked this picture because, hey, deep down inside I'm still a biker baby. I don't get to ride too much anymore, but once in awhile I still get the chance to feel the wind in my hair. I've been on motorcycles since I could walk (my Dad used to set me on the tank of his bike and tool around the block with me-this was before the days when people would freak out if they saw you do something like that, the days when I used ride to the store sitting on the middle console of my father's '65 Cutlass Olds). I think biking gets into the blood. You don't magically transform into a biker just because you've donned a black t shirt and a cool pair of jeans; you don't become a biker just because you've purchased a motorcycle, Harley Davidson or otherwise. My former boy friend was part of an mc down here, and one of the guys in his club once asked me how I could make his girlfriend feel as relaxed on a motorcycle as I was. She was terrified and not enjoying the whole riding experience very much. I laughed and told him it was just a part of who I was, just the way it had always been, and that I never "learned" how to love riding, so I couldn't teach someone else how to love it. Besides, how do you explain the joy of getting bugs in your teeth to a girl who's afraid to mess up her hair???

Happy House Hunting

It's Friday again, and far from worrying about what other people think about me, I'm now concerned with not having a new place to live yet and our lease being up at the end of October, which will be here in a few days. I looked at a nice apartment yesterday only to find out today that someone rented it after I left. That's how it is down here. There are too many apartments being converted into condos and too many people who need apartments. Good places need to be snatched up right away, but I need N to come with me to look before we decide to rent a place, and lately that has been an adventure in frustration. He's very busy with work (good) and doesn't have much time free to come with me to apartment shop (bad). Hopefully this weekend we can find something; I'm too high strung to be waiting until the last minute to do this type of thing. I envy those people who own houses and don't have to think about moving anymore!!! **Sigh** I know that we'll find something; it's all about persistance. Getting discouraged now is a bad idea. There's a place for us out there.

Sexy Mamas

With all of the sad and frightening things going on in the world today, you would think my mind should be occupied with thinking of things other than sheer vanity. Alas, today what was bothering my noggin was the simple fact that I no longer feel like I have the vavoom I used to have. It sounds so trite and silly, but part of the reason it's bothering me so much is that in my mind I wonder if my husband thinks I still have that little somethin' somethin' I used to have. It's not an issue of weight; my body is pretty much back to what it was pre-baby, and I'm constantly working on keeping it that way. Maybe it's a matter of attitude. Maybe I "feel" too mommy and wife-ish to feel sexy??? No, that's not it, because I think that being a Mom and a wife can be incredibly sexy things. Maybe it's because I live in South Florida, surrounded by plastic surgery mavens and extremely sexy Spanish women. I'm an all-natural, Irish/Jewish girl-fair skin, red hair, green eyes; far from sporting that dark, exotic look carried by so many of my counterparts here in the sunshine state. I don't even like wearing a tan; it makes me feel like a baked chicken. Maybe I need a style makeover, but more than likely it's something in my head that needs to change. I've never been one to follow the crowd as far as what's in fashion. I was an artist at a very young age, wearing funky looking denim sneakers when I was little because I thought they looked cool even though no one else was sporting them, mixing stilletos with different colored Converse high tops throughout high school, dyeing my hair platinum and painting it with pink streaks. Don't get me wrong, I've been known to wear the latest in hip huggers and camisole tops, but I won't wear them unless they look right for me. I never wear anything just because it's all the rage in Vogue magazine or being flaunted on some far away cat walk. In college I went through a Dead Head phase where I wore lots of tie dyed clothing and long hippie skirts. That is probably the closest I've ever come to following a crowd, but, even then, I was in that mode of being because I loved the crowd I was running with and I loved the music. It was more a state of mind than a state of fashion. At that stage of my life I cared very little for fashion and very much for being an idealist. I was just starting to realize that there was more to being a tree hugger than just hugging trees-that my outward actions were what would make my inward convictions actually create positive change. I think that, back then, my outward appearance was a way of rejecting mainstream society for all of it's ills and trying to attract people who were more like me into my life. Maybe what I need to do is stop comparing myself to other women. Yeah, I'm not 20 years old anymore; I'm okay with that. The thing that feels so strange is having stumbled upon that fact so quickly. Somehow, before I carried the responsibility of being a Mom I didn't really feel like my actual age. Now, suddenly, almost overnight it seems, I really feel like an adult, and it' s a little bit scary. It's not bad, but it's different. My artistic soul sometimes has difficulty reconciling the free spirit within with the adult who has to care for a family. WOW. I love my life, though. So so so so much do I love my life. I've never been happier with my family life or with my spiritual life. For the first time I feel like I'm really in touch with who I am on a spiritual level. I think I know what my personal legend is and I'm trying to follow that inner knowledge of who I am to take the right steps and live my life in a way that is compatable with who I am and who I want to be. Being a Mom and a wife and an artist are wonderful, rewarding roles. So, maybe my focus is just a little off. The joy within should contribute to the beauty without, right?

No News is Good News...

I turned on the news this afternoon to be barraged with nothing but sad and otherwise bad news. The top headline was that the body of a newborn boy was found in a canal here in South Florida, complete with umbilical cord and placenta. I will never, as a Mom, understand how someone could just throw away her child. I understand that sometimes women get frightened about the prospect of being a parent; the idea of being responsible for another human being can be overwhelming and quite scary. There are options to leaving a baby someplace to die alone, however. Here in Florida a woman can leave a new baby at a firehouse and at any hospital with no questions asked. Then at least someone else will have a chance to raise the child and to know the joys of being a parent, and the child will have an opportunity to have a life. This story bothered me more than any of the others I saw this evening, because of the sheer tragedy of an innocent little baby being thrown into a canal and left to die. Following this story was a plug about contaminated bagged spinach (apparently someone working at a produce factory someplace forgot to wash their hands after they used the toilet???), which was disturbing considering my husband and I just ate bagged spinach last night. It was organic, so I don't know if we still fall into the cone of risk. So far, so good. Neither of us is experiencing nausea or exploding diarreah. Right after that story came a follow up to inquiries into the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son, Daniel. Imagine waking up in your hospital room, flushed with the joy of recently having given birth to a new baby, and having that joy turned to horror when you realize that your oldest child has passed away just a few feet from your bed. Follow that story up with the disappearance of Trenton Duckett and the suicide of his mother. I pray that this beautiful little boy is found alive, but the circumstances around this story seem a bit suspicious. The only good news was that Clay Aiken has given up his creepy look in favor of a more Beatle-esque style. Oh goody.

9/11/2006

While I was aware today of it being "9/11", I avoided watching any of the many programs about the horror of this day five years back. My only review of the attacks came from a slide show sent to me by a friend. The truth is that I want to move forward. I don't want to forget; indeed, how could any of us forget what happened that day. But, it makes me sad all over again to wallow in the details of the attacks, to look at the pictures, to read/hear about how the attacks were planned out. So many people's lives were effected by this event and I think the way we all look at the world changed after 9/11. No more do we feel immune to terrorism in our country; no more do we take it for granted that our airplines won't be hijacked or worse; maybe we love our friends a bit more deeply and cherish our families all the more because we're painfully aware of the fragility of life and of how quickly our lives can be altered or cut short. I choose not to live in fear, however, but in awareness. Moving forward means we win; it means that our spirits can't be defeated. I think that's the best way to honor those who died that day.

Funny Friday

Okay, AT, I'll bite:

Cruel :: Heart
Jive :: Talkin'
Weak :: Kneed
Understand :: Me
Bum :: Rush
Stairs :: Goals
Tone :: Hue
Quickly :: Smile
Moment :: New York
Beating :: Chicken
Wiggle :: In
Face :: Time
Adjustable :: Bed
Room :: Mate
Easy :: Sunday
Store :: Room
Maid :: Den
9 pm :: Already
Challenge :: Taken
Debt :: Nightmares

Will the Real Anina Please Stand Up

Here she is, my new adoptee. She goes to the vet tomorrow for her first visit. Hopefully she doesn't have worms or anything wrong with her, but tomorrow we'll find out. She seems to be happy in her new home, although the litter box isn't impressing her too much. This afternoon I found three little piles of poop around our bedroom. Unfortunately, my daughter found one of them before I did and had it all over her leg. Gross!!!! Of course, I freaked because I don't know if the cat has worms yet, so into the bath with the baby. This gave N another reason to dislike the kitten which is a bummer because I'm trying to convince him that she's a great addition to the family. Work with me, will ya Anina????

Anina

The Hebrew name Anina means "answer to a prayer" and that's the name of my new kitten. She was dropped off at my apartment yesterday morning by a girl friend who found her shaking and terrified on the engine of her car. Small wonder it is that she wasn't killed; her soft meowing saved her life. Anyway, knowing that I am a sucker for animals she brought little Anina to my house yesterday, which pretty much helped me decide that the condo N and I were thinking of renting was not for us. Beautiful though the condo is, they don't allow motorcyles, nor do they allow private washers/dryers, which for me is a necessity (although I was willing to give that much up for the killer, brand new kitchen that came with the condo) and the place doesn't have a bathtub, which I need for the babe. N was not happy about the motorcycle deal; he would've had to have parked the bike at a friend's house and it would've been a drag to have to retrieve it every time he wanted to riding. I'm not sure the "condo commando" atmosphere would be suitable for either of us; we both tend to balk at people telling us what to do, especially when they are telling us to do stupid things like not park a work truck outside the building. Just where the hell are you supposed to park your work truck, which makes you the money to live in the building in the first place? Oh the phoof of some poeple. Anyway, the kitten was an answer to my prayer that morning when I asked God to show us some sort of sign if he didn't think it would be best to move into that place. It was so gorgeous, spacious and inviting that I personally could not make the decision to say no on my own. God knows that I'm a little dense when it comes to "signs" and so He had to work fast. Had the sign been something other than a living, breathing being who is now depending upon me for her well being I might have decided to manipulate it into a sign that told us to take the place and throw caution to the wind. This picture isn't of our kitten, but she looks very much like this. I have taken a couple of digital shots but neither one does justice to her cuteness, and besides that I don't have time right now to schlep out the camera and download the pictures to my computer. Life of a Mom, don't ya know.

Thursday Night

I'm not sure why I'm blogging tonight. I don't really have anything witty to say. I probably don't even have much of anything of great interest to say. Still, here I am at my computer again. What I do feel tonight is grateful. For the past couple of weeks I've been sliding in and out of some sort of melancholy, mostly due to the overwhelmedness I've been feeling in over all of the things coming at me in my life. We need to move, business has been crazy, I don't have much time for myself and that makes it hard to cram in time for my artwork (although I've been getting better at it), we keep going through this, "We should buy a house; we can't afford to buy a house here; we should move away; moving away is scary because what if we can't be successful with the business if we move away; we should rent a house; renting a house will mean we'll be dumping too much money into rent that we should be saving to buy a house...." Yada yada yada. I'm frustrated with it all right now. Some days I miss the times when life was simpler. Of course, back then I wanted everything I have right now; right now I want everything I have right now. I just want us to be able to figure out exactly what the hell it is we want to do. I've been really drawn into the field of art therapy. I think it's what I want to do with my life after my little one starts school and I'm looking into what I will need to do to make that happen. I mentioned it to N and he mentioned being a teacher again. I don't want to be a teacher. Schools are too scary nowadays. Well, now I can't blog either because little one is screaming. See ya'll later.

Much Adieu About Nothing

Thankfully, Ernesto fizzled out before it reached the coast of Florida. All we got here was some rain and a little wind; it was a grey and rainy day today also. We now have a great supply of bottled water and I have to put the plants and furniture back out onto the balcony. I'm grateful that we didn't lose our power or suffer any damage to our vehicles or, more importantly, to ourselves. I'm hoping that the remainder of the hurricane season will be uneventful. N and I spent some time today looking for a place to rent. We checked out a cute little house in a nice neighborhood, but a walkthrough showed it to be too small for us. Also, it didn't have a yard and I would like to rent a house with a yard for Little R. Otherwise, I'd rather rent in another apartment complex, where we'll have a swimming pool and a gym like we have here. Anyway, I'm super tired today from being stressed out yesterday, so I'll check back later...

Tropical Storm Ernesto

So, here we go again. This is the third year in a row in Florida that we've been plagued by hurricanes. As I sit at my computer Ernesto is unleashing his fury over Cuba, whose mountains have calmed him a bit but probably only temporarily. It's predicted that once the storm moves out over the warm ocean again it's strength will increase and by the time it arrives on the mainland of Florida it could be a category one or two hurricane. Only time will tell what fun we'll be in for here in the sunshine state. I have already visited my local Publix to stock up on water, bread, and other supplies, but the lines at the gas station were too daunting for me to brave. Plus, I believe I would have run out of gasoline before I arrived at the pump to buy more. The lines at every station I passed were down the street; with a car full of groceries and a hungry and fussy almost two year old in the back seat I wasn't willing to wait for my fill of petrol. I'm frustrated to be going through this mess again; last year we lost power twice due to the storms, once for two weeks (and we were lucky; some were without power for a full month or more) and it was no fun. Where we live, all that's necessary to knock our power out is a strong wind. Since I'm not that hip on living in this state to begin with, having yet another hurricane only makes me want to take off for my western heaven even more. If it was possible, I have no doubt that I would pack up everything we own and leave for Colorado next week. Maybe G-d will bless us with that possibility at some point. For now, I'm a sitting duck waiting with the other sitting ducks for the storm to arrive. The news just said that probably the storm will reach us as a tropical storm rather than as a hurricane. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Monday Monday

Okay, AndyT13 had this on his blog so I'll bite. I don't have anything much to say tonight so here goes.

2 moments in your life you’d like to erase

1.Standing in the cemetary staring in disbelief at my father's coffin in the ground.
2.The night of his accident; okay, so I wasn't there, but it still effected my life hugely, as well as the lives of everyone around me, so it counts as a moment in my life.

4 moments I like to relive

1.The first time I set eyes on my newborn daughter
2.The most special intimate times with the loves of my life (tho' I'm married now, so that wouldn't be right)
3.The first time I saw the view from the top of a mountain
4.My first trip to Rocky Mountain National Park (heaven on earth!)

2 places you wouldn’t want to go again

1.My old High School during the 80's
2.To one of the most heartbreaking times of my life back in 2003, when I broke up with the guy I'd thought was "the one".

4 places you can’t wait to visit/visit again

1.Colorado
2.Ireland
3.Back home (Massachusetts)
4.Israel (yeah, I know that right about now that's fairly crazy)

2 foods you can’t stand

1.Pulled pork sandwiches
2.Meat if it isn't cooked right (ie, dried out, overcooked steak)

4 foods you love

1.Pizza
2.sushi
3.ice cream
4.Big gooey cheeseburgers with fries

2 current songs that make you change the station

I can't think of anything, but I'm not a big fan of top 40 or a lot of what they play on the dance/rock stations here in Florida. I search out what I like in record stores and play what I want on my cd player.

4 current songs you play over and over

1. Marvin Gaye: Let's Get It On
2. Anything by U2
3.Black 47 (pretty much everything they do is cool)
4.Any of the many Irish music cds currently in my possession
(so, I know that none of this is current, so to speak, but it's what I like)

2 books you’d never finish/read again

I can't think of any titles although I know that I've dumped quite a few books after reading a couple of chapters and flipping ahead to realize they were never, in a million years, going to hold my interest. The thing is, if the book didn't captivate me enough to keep reading, why would I remember the title?

4 books you have read more than once

1. "Toward a Meaningful Life"
2."Rebel Hearts" (about the IRA and the troubles in Ireland)
3."Whoredom in Kimmage" (about the travels of an Irish American woman in Ireland)
4.the Torah

Current mood: Content and sleepy

Yahoo!!!

Finally, finally, finally, I woke up yesterday morning and the depression had been lifted. Just like someone had pulled a veil off my head, suddenly I could see the world in all of it's brilliance again. And I mean that seriously and sarcastically. Once I'm out of the black hole I can really focus on what got me there in the first place and work on whatever issue is getting to me. I started reading a new book yesterday, one that I purchased recently, called "Jewish with Feeling" , and so far it's been really great. It's about understanding our spiritual path apart from the dogma and the rituals that might not be working for us. Even though at the moment I'm not really having a problem with either of those things I definitely believe that religion is just a pathway to our spiritual center and a pathway to our connection with God, and this book so far is awesome (and I've only read 16 pages). Some amazing things have also happened which support the direction I want to take in my life, although I have no idea how that direction will be manifested. I only know that life is a series of steps. Sometimes we just have to keep walking and doing the right things. Over the past couple of years I've had life take some twists and dips that I never saw coming and never could have anticipated, but they lead me to wonderful places. That's all for tonight. I'm off to have dinner at the beach with my family. Peace y'all.

Friday...

An unoriginal title, I know, but I'm still too depressed to think of anything creative. I don't know what's wrong with me; I feel like a whiny beeatch. Pretty soon I'll be tired even of myself. I know this will pass, but when I have no idea. But these sort of moods always pass, and then I'll have an upswing of emotion. I'm going to go to synagogue tonight, if this health insurance guy N scheduled to come over is gone by then. He's coming at 6:30; almost the worst possible time on the worst possible day. The problem with interfaith relationships is that it's hard to have any real feeling of the religion you want to bring your kid up with unless the other person is into it. If they aren't, then you end up feeling like you're forcing it on your spouse, so you end up trying to back off, and pretty soon you aren't into it anymore either because you've gotten so far away from it, and then you resent that. It's a no win situation and I've never been able to figure out the answer to it. I guess I'll wing it tonight. I'll light my candles after the guy leaves but I doubt we'll be able to have the Shabbat dinner that I've been trying to do each week because there won't be enough time left over, and anyway I don't think N is into it so I'll probably just end up aggravating him with it.

Hmph

I am in such a bad mood today. I don't know why; maybe I'm just annoyed that all my friends seem to be taking off for other parts of the country just because they feel like moving someplace new and I'm still in Florida. N stayed home for most of the day today trying to get some work done and that screwed up my groove with the baby a little bit. I wasn't able to take her anyplace and she gets a little crazy when she is cooped up all day long (as do I). I made a big pot of chili and don't have the appetite to eat any of it. I'm stir crazy, restless, irritable, somewhat discontent, and just in a general F- it mood. Sorry. That's just the way it is today. Someone keeps posting a link of which I have no interest in my comment box, so I had to change the settings on my blog to accept only registered users of this site. No offense to anyone who doesn't have a blog here, but why don't ya'll get one??? I don't have time to peruse junk mail and have no interest in gambling and other such useless sites. Hell, I barely have time to even be on the computer, so my time here has to be well spent. I'm the type of person who pretty much only reads books which can teach me something (and, I read A LOT) so why would I want to check out web sites that are basically just trying to sell me garbage??? Anyway, enough of that. I want to be in Colorado right now, maybe hiking in the woods someplace. It's around 2:15pm there right now; that would give me a little bit of time out in nature. I need Colorado's vibe in my life right now. So far, over the past three or four years two good friends of mine have moved there and now my closest friend in Florida is considering it. If she goes I swear I might just go over the deep end. I'd be glad for her but wondering why it feels like God is dangling this huge carrot in front of me all the time. It's like, I'm supposed to go there but I have no idea how I'm supposed to get there. Every time I push my longing to move there into the back of my conscious mind (I suppose it is always in my unconscious mind, which is what is giving me all of the trouble) someone brings it up that they are moving there, that they know someone who just moved or is moving there, or I get an email from my girl friend out there, or I see an ad on tv, or, well, you get the picture. I'm probably just going mad, is all. Just going mad...

Attitude is Essential for Survival

I love Madonna. Maybe I'm just a child of the 80's, but I love her for her intelligence-she knows how to make people think by stirring them up emotionally and she knows how to stay on top of her game by constantly evolving and changing. She started out humbly and worked her butt of to get to where she is now, and I love that she has never let anybody stop her from being successful. No matter what people say about her, she keeps pushing forward; she has chutzpah. I might not agree with everything she does, but at least I can respect her drive and tenacity.

My car wouldn't start today when we came out of the supermarket. There I was with my daughter in the 90 plus heat, trying in vain to get the engine to turn over. I called DH, who told me he would come to help me get it running via a push start, but after 45 minutes I decided to try getting it started again ( I actually tried twice before also) and, voila, it started up and I was able to drive home. Of course, by then DH had arrived; he was right by the market when I called to tell him we were okay. I was grateful that it started at all. I need to take it to the shop on Friday when hopefully they will fix it. And this, of course, is a minor annoyance in a world where there is much trouble abrew.