White Dove Re-Visit

**I found this image from a website called Greater Goods (greatergoodsonline.com). They appear to be a pretty cool site, selling merchandise from artists the world over, buying from companies who support Fair Trade. Check them out if you have a chance.**

The day before yesterday I was outside looking for White Dove; although I know she will eventually make her way to another location I have grown used to her presence and am enjoying her daily visits. At first I didn't see her. Then, I noticed her perched on the roof of one of the homes across from us, looking down at a fellow who was looking up at her. I saw him point her out to his friend, who glanced at her briefly, apparently too occupied with her own day to take notice of this super cool bird. Later, I went outside to bring our trash to the dumpster and spotted White Dove soaring with a pack of pigeons, her white body a pretty contrast to the blue of the autumn sky and to the dark bodies of the birds with whom she was flying. Yesterday morning one of the two meditational books I read on a daily basis contained a reading about animal spirits and how they sometimes enter our lives bearing a message of some sort. I thought about what sort of message White Dove might be relaying to me, and considered the sight of her flying freely through the sky, oblivious to the differences between her and her flying companions. She cared not that she was different from her fellow birds, no self-consciousness held her back from gliding through the warm October air. I smiled to myself, thinking that sometimes -not always, but sometimes- I suffer from the malady of self consciousness. My religious beliefs are different from those of mainstream society, my appearance can sometimes reach the boudaries of artsiness, my thoughts run deeper than those of so many of the people I meet during the day (I mean, come on-I've been going on about this bird for days!!). Sometimes I feel like I landed here many years ago from another country on some other plane of existence. I know that I need to watch those feelings of "apartness", lest they deter me from growing, from participating fully in life, from using the gifts I've been given to the fullest and for the greatest good. In the same vein, I cannot afford to let fear separate me from a spiritual path that is deeply meaningful and extraordinarily special to me , or to allow apprehension to keep me from passing this wonderful tradition on to my daughter, thereby depriving her of some of the richness of the things I've learned from it (and will continue to learn). White Dove did not arrive yesterday, but she visited us today. I fed her some bread and thanked her for her gift.

Homesick Blues

I was sitting in my usual spot at the kitchen table, guzzling my morning coffee and reading a book I just purchased entitled "Cottage Witchery" by Ellen Dugan when suddenly I was overcome with a sadness that brought tears to my eyes. Something she wrote (I can't remember what it was now, being a busy Mom who is almost always doing more than two things at a time) touched a chord deep within my being. I was overcome with a feeling of loss over being so far from my family and from the places where I grew up and where my childhood memories are. It's not like I'm in a mental place where I hate Florida today (although I do occasionally experience those days); if anything, I've been content since I returned from our trip to Massachusetts. I love our little home and our tiny garden and the local wildlife (which consists of birds, fish and iguanas), as well as the friends and acquaintances I have here. My recent trip home was difficult on an emotional level, so when I came back south I felt a sense of calm, like I was safe within my own world once again. I do miss my family, though, and the energies of New England. It's where I'm from and a part of her will always run in my veins. The sadness was only momentary; I went on with my day, too busy to consider it much further. But, it was so sharp, so gut wrenching in the moment, like a hard pinch underneath the arm that takes you by surprise. And now, here I am in the moment, as my daughter runs upstairs to show me what a brilliant shade of pink she's painted her big toe!

October Wind

This picture comes from Shelley Walsh, from a gallery I found online entitled "Rural Warrington". They are beautiful pictures that really make me think of the Fall season back home.

October is here in the South, but it's difficult to feel it. This morning I sat on the cool stones of my patio, white candle lit, saying my morning prayers to the God/Goddess, when I felt a slight breeze that spoke to me of brightly colored leaves, misty mornings and the faintest scent of wood smoke from the fireplaces of nearby homes. If I "listen" hard enough, I can feel autumn even here, where the temperatures are still rising to the 80's.

A Visitor

This little girl showed up yesterday out of the blue, quite literally. I'm actually not sure if the bird is a girl, but I've been calling her that because she seems to have a girly vibe. Bebe and I were getting ready to go out when I saw her across the street. People were walking by here, glancing at her briefly, and then continueing on their way without giving her much thought, but I thought she was beautiful in that she's completely white and has huge eyes. After standing on the sidewalk for a moment watching her, she toddled across the street and stood on the sidewalk next to us, giving us the observatory bird side eye. I was amazed that she was tame enough to venture so close to us (especially to my daughter, who is in the crazy three stage). When we returned home a couple of hours later I was surprised to see her still on the sidewalk, back on the other side of our street. I enticed her back to us with some birdfood, and when my husband arrived home he fed her as well. This morning when Bebe and I walked him out to his truck White Bird was still there, waiting patiently to be fed again, maybe. I obliged her by giving her a meal of some rolls, and while she was eating I checked her over a bit visually. Her wings appear to be fine, nothing hanging where it shouldn't be and no feathers clipped. I don't know if she was once someone's family member or if she just wandered here by chance, nor do I know how long she will stay with us. It's special and cool to have a member of nature come hang out for awhile, though. It's rare that we get to interact with the animal world at such a close level.

A Possibly Fried Compressor

I think our fridge is on it's way to being broken. It was fine as of yesterday, making not a peep out of the ordinary, but this morning it began making a funny whistling noise and now every time it cycles on it starts sounding like it's about to sprout wings and take off for the clouds. It seems like the compressor might be getting ready to take a crap and I'm none too happy about that, since we have quite a bit of food in the fridge and it can be difficult getting things fixed when landlords are involved. I'm projecting, however. Maybe it won't be a problem at all. I wish I could just wave my wand and the problem would be solved, but my magic doesn't generally work that way. I guess I could try...

Alternatively, I can dream about the above model, a Northstar retro fridge which runs around $4,000.00. It's my favorite color and looks like it belongs in June Cleaver's house. Wouldn't it look great with a black skull and crossbones profile on it?

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Blogger isn't cooperating with me tonight and I'm too tired to fight with the site. I got Bebe into bed ontime (I've been struggling with trying to get a reasonable schedule going and think I'm finally winning the battle - I'm so undisciplined) and, although I felt tired, I pulled out my paints and worked on my painting for awhile. I was a little bit tired at first but was buoyed by the thought that the only time I will ever have to be creative is at night after my daughter has gone to bed and the house is quiet. There isn't any time left in the day anymore; it seems like every minute is filled with doing work for N, raising our daughter, cleaning house, running errands, cooking. It's insane how busy I am most days; I swear I'm busier nowadays than I was when I worked at the law office. Anyway, the important thing is that I got a little painting in tonight. If I can keep doing this a few times a week (and once I start I feel great because art is one of my passions) I should be able to get this painting done and to its rightful owner. That leaves me free to work on other peices, which I'm excited about. I'm EXHAUSTED now and am going to find my way to bed.

Monday Again

The party went well on Saturday. All the kids we invited showed up (although I had a moment of Mommy anxiety since most everyone showed up a little bit late and I feared no one would show at all), there were lots of games for the kids to play, we had plenty of food, Bebe got lots of cool gifts, and everyone seemed to have a good time. The only bad moment was when Chuck E. Cheese came out to do his Chucky dance and one of my daughter's friends started screaming in terror. My best friend's husband whispered, "No one likes a rat." to my husband, which I thought was funny, and I told little Dez that I thought Chucky was a bit scary also. As for Bebe, she laughed and blew out her candles, almost in one puff. How did she get to be three so quickly?

Friday night we had a small family party with just one friend, Bebe's Godfather. I made an eggplant baked ziti ala Rachael Ray and we let Bebe open her gifts from us, a big dollhouse and a couple of other things. Earlier that day I was reminded of just how tenuous life can be, and just how vulnerable our little ones are as children and how vulnerable we are as parents. Our daughter gave us a quite a scare, the details of which I won't go into, but suffice to say that I am grateful today that we had some good spirits looking out for us on Friday. There is nothing like parenthood to make a person realize how fragile life can be, for the love of a parent for a child is like no other kind of love that exists on this earth!

Sweet Blessings

Bubbe's kitty showed up a couple of days ago, after almost one whole week of being missing. We don't know where she was, only that she was clean upon her arrival home, if not a bit sickish. I'd put a couple of posters around town in the hopes that someone would find her and call; I'm not sure if her sudden appearance at 3AM had anything to do with that. I think that probably she just escaped from wherever she was; it'd been raining here for days while she was gone so she must have been sheltered someplace. I did a meditation the day before she returned. Bubbe had feared the worst, but when I did the meditation I had a very strong feeling that she was alive and basically okay but feeling not feeling well. I'm relieved that she returned home; she is Bubbe's companion and one of the only creatures keeping her sane these days, when her life seems to be filled with so much difficulty.

Hubby and I bought our daughter her birthday presents today while a friend babysat. I think she will be excited when she opens them-we bought her a dollhouse with some additional furniture, and a Leap Frog letter spelling toy with the money my aunt sent to buy her something from us. The party is set for Saturday and today I found out from a girl friend that she will probably be coming with her little daughter. Hooray!!!! Another little one at the party!!!! I think my friend L in Miami will also be in attendance, which makes me happy as we've been close for many years and I'd hoped she'd be able to make it.

Another day closes.

Saturday Sunshine

Ah, Saturday. Hubby and I both overslept this morning which created a rush for both of us in the early hours. He had to work today and I, as always, have tons of stuff to do. I stopped by I's house yesterday for a bit. Her cat has not surfaced yet and my search around the neighborhood turned up nil. It's very depressing; I've no idea where she could've wandered off to and hope that I's inkling that someone hurt her turns out to have no basis in reality. My experience with some of the less desirable humans on our planet has shown me that, alas, evil, animal-hurting people do exist. I felt sad when I left I's house. The idea of being sixty five years old and utterly alone in a small apartment terrifies me. This woman had it all years ago-money, a nice family, a beautiful house up north plus a condo in South Florida. Now, suddenly, she's here by herself, her one son died a year ago, her other isn't speaking with her. I think the dysfunction of it all has triggered me to want to help her fix things, which I can't really do. Because it reminds me so much of my own familial dysfunction (of which I'm not much a part of these days because I live over 1000 miles away from everyone) I have a deep desire to soothe the pain she's experiencing. Being a friend is always a good thing; it's just important for me to not lose sight of the responsibilities I have to my own life. One of the problems I've experienced in the past is not dealing with my own problems by getting lost in those of other people. I can't do that today-not that I have so many problems right now, but I do have responsibilities. Today, I'll make and print out some lost cat flyers to post around town (although with all the rain we're having I'm not sure where I'll post them), give my self a manicure/pedicure (my nails look horrid because I hate doing them and never have the time besides), send out birthday invites, deposit a check into my account so I'll have money to run the house with next week, buy cat food because my cat is snubbing the food I've been giving her (so particular, that one), and maybe do a craft with Little One. We have a craft to do in honor of the arrival of autumn. It's already 12:30, so now I'm really in a rush. No discipline do I have. Sigh.

Birthdays and Other Sundries

I reserved a party at Chuck E. Cheese for little one for next Saturday, so that's off my mind somewhat now. I'm relieved, actually, because usually we do parties at our house and that means I spend more time in the kitchen than I do hanging out with our friends. It will be more fun for our daughter, and it will mean zero cleanup for me after the festivities have ended.

Today we need to run errands. It's a rainy grey day here and I would like nothing more than to stay here making Halloween/Autumn crafts with Little One, but work needs to be done in spite of my not wanting to do it. I have to go to FedEx, the Humane Society (a friend of mine is missing her cat and I said I'd check there since she can't get out), Walgreens (twice), my friend's house, the library to drop off a video (they only let you take the cursed things out for five days). I'm tired just thinking about all of this stuff. And the work I have to complete also entails some things I need to do at home in the way of cleaning and writing out the ever present bills. Sigh.

So far we have an autumn leaf garland, some orange sparkly skeletons, a spider web and spider that I made from black construction paper this morning, and a few store bought tchatches of the Halloween nature as our seasonal decorations. Somehow, I'm turning into a Martha Steward wannabe or something. How did I go from rock and roll to Martha Stewart Living???? She's been to jail, so she's kind of tough now, right? Whatever. Suddenly I'm a suburban house Mom. No minivan though. No minivan.