Am I a Grown Up Now? Nahhhh!!!

I took little one to a mommy meetup group two days in a row, yesterday and today. Yesterday we all met at the Hallandale Beach library and today at the Hollywood library. Yesterday was storytime and today was just a free playtime. It always amazes me how my daughter seems to befriend the kids who at first seem to be so rough. This little boy was stealing her toys away one minute, and the next they were running around together!!! This group is a big step for me; I tried this once before but could never get my act together enough to be able to make it to the meetups. Now that my "baby" is two she needs to get out of the house more, needs more of a variety of things to do and other kids to do things with, and I need other adults to converse with here and there. I was hesitant, at first, to join a group because I thought that I might have a hard time relating to the other moms. I know that my tattoos sometimes cause people to form an incorrect assumption about who I am and what I'm like but I'm not willing to walk around with them covered up because they are an important part of who I am. That said, I thought that maybe some of the moms would be prejudicial toward me in a negative way before they got to know me. As it turned out, my daughter and I both had a good time. The moms were super cool and I related to everyone just fine, thank you very much. I actually relate to the moms in this group more than I did the moms in the punky moms group I also joined. Apparently, I'm more artsy than I am punky....It's cool though. It's hard for me to believe the way my life has progressed over the past four years. Everything in my life gradually changed; now I'm making dinners at night for my family, running around like a crazy person all the time trying to cram forty hours into the span of twenty four, being a mom, going to mommy meetups. Wow.

Hooray!!!

Yay!!!! Someone finally answered my email regarding an article I'm trying to write for the beach newspaper that I have a column in. I've been leaving messages and emails but as of today hadn't heard anything yet. As I was sitting down to my computer I was thinking about how hard it was going to be to have a peice with nothing but my own ideas rambling on and on, and there was an email from someone I really wanted a few quotes from for my peice! There is hope yet that this thing will get done, which is good because I need to bang out the story ASAP. It's actually mostly written already, but I need to add the quotes and tweak it a little bit. Someone recently told me I'm a dork for writing an environmental column but I don't care. I never claimed not to be a dork! I attended a fantastic meeting tonight which inspired me to take more positive action in my life. I've been feeling much more motivated as of late and that's given me hope that I can create the changes for good that I'd like to bring about.

Manic Monday

Well, it's 9:23pm, I'm tired, my daughter has not had her bath yet and I thought it would be a good time to post a blog. Actually, I was waiting for the tub to fill and was planning on blogging then, but I spent too much time reading other blogs and nearly overfilled the bathtub. Yep, it's Monday. We spent the whole day running errands and doing paperwork. I think I'm busier now than I ever have been in my life, including the time I spent working at the law office as a legal assistant. My daughter just came in and handed me a diaper. I guess that means it's time to take a bath and get her jammies on. Did I mention how busy life is nowadays??? It's great, though. I love being busy in this sort of way. For years I prayed to be busy in this sort of way. I was always kind of afraid of being a mom, but now that I am I find that it's a natural sort of role, and one I much prefer to the constant, unrewarding stress of being a legal assistant. If I'd stayed in my old job I would've had to go back to school to do something else, because I would've fried like an onion ring after too many more years of staring at a computer screen and talking on the phone, making money at a job that gave me absolutely no creative release but paid my bills and provided me with medical insurance. It's so scary and sad how sometimes life hands us jobs and we become afraid to leave them for fear of losing our security, even though they are jobs we really don't like, jobs we hate, even. I didn't hate the law office; it was a great opportunity and helped me buy my first new car. I enjoyed certain aspects of law and even considered going to law school. Anyway, my daughter's spirit had other ideas and wanted to be born and decided to be born to N and me, and we were blessed. Which brings me to another bath time and a good bye and good night to you all.

Snnnnnnoorrrreeeee.....

Sorry. I just almost passed out at my computer, which would not be a good thing since my two year old is downstairs with a cup of water and a palette of watercolors. I'm trying to nurture her artistic spirit, and so far she's really digging it, so I'm going with it. I love seeing what she comes up with and have several of her masterpeices posted around our home. I'm unbelievably tired right now and am looking forward to going to bed early, if that turns out to be possible. Exciting, I know, but I had a day of doing lots of running around and constantly being "on" and I'm worn out now that the day is melting into the beginning of evening (although, I have to admit, that I mean "melting" only in a figurative sense; it's still quite light outside, if not a bit overcast). I read an article in a parenting magazine today wherein a woman talked about her child's siblings. I felt a twinge in my stomach as I read about how her daughter interacts with her brother and sister, how they help her as she learns the art of growing from a baby into a little girl. I felt sad because I am one of six children, I'm close with all of my siblings and am glad I have them, and I know that my daughter will never have that bond with a brother or sister herself. You might think that there is no way I can know this with certainty, but I know this as surely as I know that the cow jumps over the moon (I swear that I actually saw this happen during an all nighter when my daughter was in her first few days of life-at least, it sure looked like a cow...). It's amazing how much our bodies tell us if we're in tune with their rythms. When my little one was almost ready to make her appearance on the stage of life, I began feeling an urgency to get my house ready for her arrival and to finish my projects at work as much as was possible. Although everyone laughed and said I still had time, I knew that I did not. I could feel my body telling me that it could contain her no more and that soon I would be holding my daughter in my arms rather than in my belly. My last day of work at my old job was the day I went into labor (I actually began going into labor at work, but I was in denial about the fact for a few hours); I worked up to the last possible minute because deep down inside I knew I would not be returning and I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone else to resolve. Recently, I thought about how nice it would be to have a son. His name would be William, after my grandfather (Will for short), and he would be as full of life and vigor as his older sister. He's just a dream. I know in my heart that no more children will make residence within my body, however, and I'm okay with that. Pregnancy wasn't all that much fun, even though there were moments that were positively magical and those moments are ones I wouldn't trade for all the cranberries on the Cape (or that used to be on the Cape for companies like Ocean Spray took over the cranberry industry). The moment I saw my daughter for the first time far surpassed any sickness or other discomfort experienced while I was carrying her. I enjoy being able to focus all of my attention on her, though. My energies aren't drained by the attention of many; we can afford to take her places that we couldn't visit if we had more than one child and I have a very special bond with her. And, I'm too tired at the end of the day to be able to even imagine having any more kids!

Grateful to be Sober

Yesterday I visited the hospital with N, to see a friend of his who is probably dieing from cirrhosis of the liver, combined with a few other issues. N didn't actually get in to see him, because he was just waking up and was very emotional after visiting with his immediate family. I guess that's how it is when you're not sure if you're going to wake up again every time they give you something so you can sleep. N was good friends with this guy for lots of years and they enjoyed many diving trips, party nights and Ja only knows what else together. It's very sad for him to see J in this condition; everyone is powerless to do anything for him except to pray and to be there to see him through the ordeal. I feel badly for the guy; I met him only once but he had a very good energy. He is one of those people who I liked immediately. Apparently, he had that effect on lots of people and was quite the ladies man in his day. Anyway, he's 51, and this might be the end of the line, and there is something profoundly frightening about that to me. After we went to the hospital I called my brother Kenny and talked with him for half an hour. Seeing J's daughter brought back many old feelings for me, from when I was in the hospital waiting to find out if my own Dad was going to pull through (he didn't). I felt like all I could do was call my own family and tell them I love them.

Mall Rat Wednesday

Today was a good day, but after yesterday's post I'm ashamed to admit that today I had a case of the "I wish we made more money" blues. I guess it was triggered by our trip to the mall; we went there to meet up with a girl friend and her kids. We had a great time-ate lunch together and talked. The kids had a chance to socialize a little bit and then K had to leave because she had some work to do at home. I spent another hour or so walking around with Little One. I followed where she lead and immersed myself in her world. To a toddler, even the smallest things can be interesting. She broadens my world quite a bit. The thing is, I want to give her everything I had and more. Sometimes it gets to me that I can't give her as much as I'd like to-I see other moms at the mall buying these cute little outfits that I know I can't afford, and sometimes I'll see a toy that I think my daughter would enjoy but it's too much money at the moment. We are able to give her a lot, and I think that I'm probably worrying about nothing, but it's hard to not want your child to have the best of everything. When the time comes for her to start school, I want to send her to a good school. No, a great school. If, when our daughter is of school age, we're still living in the area we live in now, we'll need to think about an alternative to the public school system since most of the public schools down here aren't ones I would sent her to. There are some great Jewish schools available to us, so at least there are options, but some of those schools are quite expensive. I would love to be able to just send her wherever we think she would best thrive, without money being such an issue. We live a good life; I'm not complaining. We're currently in a slump because some people who owe us money haven't paid us, and once they do pay us we'll be in a better position. That said, some financial insecurity has probably been triggered in me that, in turn, lead to my feeling frustrated by the mall today. Business ownership is scary because there is never a guarantee of a paycheck and some months/weeks are frightening. This is one of those weeks. I think that the solution for me today is to think about the things for which I am grateful, and there are many. Today is today, and today we're okay, financially and otherwise. I may not have had the money today to buy anything at the mall (other than lunch, for which I'm grateful because some people can't afford to take their kids out to lunch), but we had fun just the same. My daughter cared about being out running around, not about me buying her a new pair of shoes or a new toy, and I couldn't put a price value on the time I get to spend with her right now. I cherish this time beyond words.

A Day at a Time

Having been full of stress, fear, and a constant feeling of being overwhelmed, I resolved to try the "one day at a time, live in the moment" mantra once again. When I live in each moment and don't obsess about all of the bad things that might happen, or the things which I want to happen which might not, or about the things that I need to get done which I'm not doing at that moment, etc., I become filled with an anxiety that ruins the moment I'm in and fills my day with an ever present feeling of fear and hopelessness. I took my new attitude to the park today with Little One and we had a great time, even though I felt tired today and wasn't one hundred percent. Digging in the sand, swinging my daughter on the swing, flying down the slide, and climbing all have amazing therapeutic value, especially when a two year old who is completely in the moment is with you, reminding you of what is really important in this life. The world wants you to think it's making money, or buying that shiny new car they keep advertising on television, or what's happening next week on Desperate Housewives, or dying your hair that magnificent shade of L'Oreal blonde/stretching your eye lashes to illegal lengths with this amazingly black mascara which will make heads turn and instantly transform you into the goddess that you wish you were back when the kids were making fun of you in grammar school/high school for just being who you were. Just about every advertisement on t.v. plays to our egos, to the hurts inflicted upon us as children which we seek to heal in adulthood, to wanting to be better liked/loved, to be more attractive (usually on the outside). Hummer tries to convince us that buying a big, gas guzzling monstrosity of a vehicle will make men feel more manly, or will get us revenge on the other soccer mom who tried to push us around at the field while tossing back her silky red locks carelessly, a diamond the size of a baseball adorning the hand doing the tossing. It's all B.S. The world wants us to think that all of this material crap will fill the holes within us when all this stuff does is temporarily mask the pain, until the stuff isn't new anymore and reality once again encroaches. Don't get me wrong, having "stuff" isn't wrong in itself, nor is wearing makeup, dying our hair, or wearing clothes that fit our personalities. It's when we use these outside things to completely define who we are, or we think that by changing our outside appearance or buying a vehicle that we think makes us look tougher, smarter, etc. we'll change our lives for better that we get into trouble. The key lies within; finding a spiritual center, learning how to reach out to other people who need us, finding the time to hang out with our kids at the park and to really be there with them, instead of thinking about all of the things that we need to do once we get home. Childhood doesn't wait for anyone. Someday my daughter will be grown and I don't want to look back and realize all I missed because I was dwelling on things that I won't even be able to remember years from now. So, one day at a time, one moment at a time, live in the now. Now is what's happening.

Happy HNT

Happy day!!! I couldn't decide which picture to use so I used both... I just got finished having lunch with little one, after we went to the park and ran around for an hour or so. Now I'm tired; coffee is a-brewin' and I'm going to have me a cup and try to make it through the rest of the afternoon. I need to be awake; I want to get a little bit of painting done, if possible. The key is getting Little One to watch an hour or so of Noggin or some other educational show. That's about the only way I can get her to settle down briefly, and sometimes even that doesn't work. Since the end of the beloved nap time, it's hell trying to find time for my artistic pursuits but I need that time to create. Well, too tired to think of anything else to say, so I'm going to attempt a recharge and hit the forward button.

Post Camping

Our camping trip was so much fun, despite the rain which threatened on both Friday and Saturday to make life miserable. Our little group got it together, pitched tents and made a fire, and when the rain would let up we'd gather around the fire hanging out and eating and enjoying each other's company and the quiet of the woods. Friday night after everyone turned in the rains came down with a fury, and our tent leaked a bit. We had puddles on the floor in the morning but nothing got seriously wet and a tarp tossed over the roof took care of the problem on Saturday. Salt Springs Recreation Area is beautiful. Because it's near Daytona and in the Ocala National Forest, the nights are much cooler than they are here in South Florida and that was a welcome change (although Sunday night temps. dropped into the 40's and those of us with South Florida blood were a bit chilly when we ventured out of our sleeping bags!). Little One had a blast. For her the park was like a big playground; she had three days of being able to run around to her heart's delight and I think she inspired the rest of us to run around when the rains came. She cared nothing about whether it was raining; she was running around laughing and shouting and just being happy about being alive and being outside. She's my little hero. Sunday morning I got up early and walked alone down a path in the woods. The woods are where I feel the most at home, and I was basking in the songs of the birds, the hollow sound of a redheaded woodpecker knocking at a tree trunk, the whisper of the wind in the trees. When I arrived at the lake a mist was rising off of it, creating this mystical atmosphere, and I stood just trying to be a part of the whole scene, blending in with the birds, and the frogs and the trees and the squirrels playing in the woods. It was awesome. Now we're back in civilization again, but I feel refreshed. I was really feeling mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained before we left and the trip helped me to put my life back into perspective again. Standing in the woods, surrounded by nature and God and nothing else, I was really able to find my inner peace again. In a recent meditation my spirit guide told me that I would find my home within the woodlands, and now I know what he meant. At the time I thought I knew what he meant, but now I really understand, because when I entered into that meditation I was pleading for guidance and for a pathway to some deep peace and centeredness. Super cool.

Gone Campin'!!!

Tomorrow morning we hit the road and head up to Salt Springs Recreation Area. Salt Springs Rec. Area is located in the Ocala National Forest, not too far from Daytona Beach, where N and I are considering moving. (This beautiful picture was taken in Daytona Beach, but not by me.) It will be nice to be in the woods for a couple of days with some friends and no cell phone reception. Being a business owner, the only way my husband can really get away is if he either leaves his cell phone home or goes someplace where no one can reach him and he will thus have no guilt if he doesn't answer/return the phone calls right away. For us this is important, since his cell phone rings so much that sometimes I want to chuck it into a canal. I'm thankful that he is busy with work because that's how we live, but sometimes we need time away from it all. Now I must go pack. I've packed nothing so far and we still need to go out tonight and buy food and a new tent (the one from last year isn't quite going to cut it this trip). See ya'll on Monday afternoon or Tuesday morning!!!

Mug Shot Monday

Since I can't do much with HNT, since I feel kinda funny about it, having a husband and a two year old and all, I'm doing a new thang-- MSM. Join in if ya like. I never really take myself seriously and thought it'd be fun to do a semi sexy, kinda silly picture.

I feel pretty good today. Yesterday I was in a horrible depression (which I think I hid fairly well from the rest of the world). I hate when that happens but I've basically accepted it as part of my chemical make up. Yesterday I felt frustrated with myself, though. I wanted the sadness to GO AWAY as soon as possible. Of course, today, when I feel good, I can't remember exactly how bad I felt yesterday. Depression runs in my family, and it scares me a little bit. Yesterday I had to socialize with some friends and it was a major effort. I didn't want to be a downer, so I tried to smile and laugh and deal with my temporary chemical imbalance. Maybe it's part of being an artist. If I need to experience these swings in mood in order to be a truly creative person, so be them. Today I'm doing paperwork and I'm going to take the babe for a walk after lunch. She has another cold and we're going camping this weekend, so I'm trying to avoid having her around other people too much. I want her to make a speedy recovery, if possible, before we hit the woods. This picture is a decidedly unwoodsy shot, but it's got me all over it-girly to the max, blonde as hell, colorful make-up, tattoos. And, I was happy when I took it-very happy, even. Which is me most of the time.

Smile!!!!

I'm so tired I can scarcely believe that I am online right now, logged into Blogger and talking about my day. I must be out of my mind to not be snuggled cozily under the covers right now. Sigh. So, I went to the dentist today, after about six years of not going to the dentist because I detest (with a vengeance) having anyone poking around in my mouth (hmm, now THAT'S a loaded gun waiting to go off....). Scrape, scrape, poke, poke, scrape, scrape, "you have beautiful teeth!", scrape, scrape, "do you floss?", poke, poke. The good news is that after about two hours of dental debauchery, I have good tooth enamel and no cavities. The bad news is that I need to have part of two teeth bonded a bit because I used to brush my teeth too hard and I guess part of the dentin has been exposed. It doesn't look gross, or anything, but over time it will get worse and probably really hurt a lot. It's not too big of a deal, except that I'll have to go back to the dentist next Tuesday and hopefully N will be able to meet me again and watch the baby. If not, my next trip won't be much fun for anyone involved. =) That was my fun for the day. Now I think I'll go to bed, since I can scarcely formulate words right now.

Sunday Sunday

It's actually been a bit chilly here over the past couple of days, at least by Florida standards. It feels good; a nice change from the sweltering heat that hangs over us for most of the year, making all outdoor activity highly uncomfortable for someone like me, who dislikes having my skin fried like a chicken. N and I went to a concert last night with the Darkstar Orchestra. We had a blast!!! The band is a Grateful Dead cover band, and I was skeptical at first, but as soon as we pulled into the parking lot and I could hear their music I was excited. I danced for two hours straight!!!! It almost felt like going back in time, except I wasn't on any sort of an artificial high....I found that one can really enter into a sort of high just by listening to someone banging a good drum beat-at one point I felt like I was in a trance, with my eyes closed and my body floating on the rythm. A friend babysat for us, so we were able to go and really feel free to enjoy the atmosphere. If Little One had been with me I would have spent the whole night worrying that I was going to somehow lose her in the crowd. That would not have been fun!!! The old Deadhead days may be gone, but it was fun to go and groove with a band who I feel really sounds like the Grateful Dead- I was hoping I'd see some old fellow Deadheads there, but no luck. I'm still looking for John Schindler, who I haven't seen in many years. Maybe someday our paths will cross once more.

Happy Late Valentine's Day

I hope everyone had a nice Valentine's Day. Ours was good, although I must confess that we have yet to open the gifts we bought for each other!!! We actually got a babysitter last night and went out on the motorcycles with another couple. My husband bought a new Harley Night Train model and it's killer; we haven't been able to ride it much together since we have a little one, but last night we finally got out. We went to dinner at a seafood restaurant on the intracoastal waterway, then hung out at the home of one of my husband's old buddies. There was lots of dysfunction going on there, but everyone seemed to be having fun and it didn't involve those of us who were visiting so it was all good. My life has changed so much in the past eight years that it's hard for me to imagine myself still doing the same things I was doing back when I was in college, but some people can continue that lifestyle without much consequence, provided they aren't interested in things like having a family and being more settled down. I wanted that stuff, at least eventually, and that crazy lifestyle isn't healthy within a marriage (usually), as I quickly discovered. Four years later that marriage was over and I'd migrated to Florida...where I met current hubby and found out what it's like to be in a functioning marriage. Wow!!!

I hate major changes to stuff like blog sites!!!!!

Okay, already I hate this new blogger situation, because suddenly it's verrryyyyy sloowwwww. Also, the pictures are taking forever to show themselves and I haven't a clue as to how to post my own pictures here. I hate it when everything works just fine and then it has to be changed and I have to learn how to use something all over again. Oh, okay, the picture button just popped up, several minutes after this window opened. Maybe it's just my computer today. Maybe I'm too tired to be blogging tonight. I guess I'll be back again tomorrow!!!!

Sometimes....

JOSH GROBAN / TO WHERE YOU ARE(Richard Marx/Linda Thompson)

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillnessI can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be
That you are mine Forever love

And you are watching over meFrom up above
Fly me up to where you areBeyond a distant star

I wish upon tonightTo see you smile

If only for awhileTo know you're there

A breath away's not farTo where you are
Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you

Just one beat awayI cherish all you gave me Everyday
Cause you are mine forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe that angels breath

And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up to where you are

Beyond a distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhileTo know you're there

A breath away's not far To where you are
I know you're there

A breath away's not far To where you are

I love you, Dad. I miss you.

My Dad has been gone since 1989 but sometimes I still miss him-no I always miss him, but sometimes I miss him more terribly than at other times. Sometimes the pain is just as strong as it was the day he died; it's like if I long for him to be back with enough gusto maybe I'll pick up the phone and he'll be on the other end. I used to hope that someday I would have a daughter, and that I would be able to give her a great father, like I had. I got that wish with my husband and my little girl, and it's a really, really special thing. Still, when a person goes through something traumatic like losing a parent suddenly and in a somewhat violent manner, he or she might carry that post traumatic stress around within them for years, even for a lifetime. I still feel the effects of that. It causes me to really value the people with whom I'm close in a special, deep way and that's good. It's hard sometimes, though, to hold those fears inside. Anyway, thanks A and M for missing my posts!!! My computer was acting funny for a few days and I've just been able to get back online, and blog. Luv you guys.

A Little Celtia

Many years back I began studying Celtic spirituality. This interest was encouraged both by a boyfriend I was involved with at the time who found the "usual" religions to be distasteful at best and by the women's studies classes I was taking, which made me question the validity of patriarcal religions as a whole. Having grown up with both Christianity and Judaism (my Mom's side of the family is Catholic and my Father's Jewish, although my Dad's Mom was born Irish Catholic; she renounced the religion after an unfortunate incident with a perverted Catholic priest) I learned about both over the years of my childhood but always fluctuated back and forth between the two. It was only upon entering college and meeting A that I realized the broad reach of spirituality-that other pathways existed to God besides the two religions I'd been introduced to in my younger days. During those times when I wasn't sure what I actually beleived in-what was right and true for me- I always knew that I was Irish. That, at least, had been emphasized by my family while I was growing up; what they lacked in religious furvor they made up for in Irish pride. When I was eight months pregnant with Little R I completed a conversion to Judaism and immersed myself in the mikvah (ritual bath) to be ritually reborn into this new faith. It was a beautiful moment, aside from almost drowning due to the turbulent waters and rip currents created by a recent hurricane (who knew the ocean would be so violent that day???). Lately, I've been needing to connect more with my Celtic heritage and have been turning to my spirit guides and the wisdom of my ancestors to help me to do that. I'm currently reading a book called Kindling the Celtic Spirit, by Mara Freeman and am finding it very helpful as far as learning more about the history of Celtic spirituality and as a guide for some special rituals I can do to celebrate the movement of the Celtic year. Re-embarking on this path has added an extra sparkle to my day and I look forward to this journey. There truly are many paths to both the masculine and feminine aspects of God; may you be blessed with a wonderful spiritual journey yourself!

Blasted Cold Viruses!!!!

Just when I thought we were all getting over all of our various "bugs", Little R (who seemed fine for the first half of the day) was suddenly, at noontime, inconsolable. She started crying and screaming and just wanted me to hold her. She nibbled a few Saltines down and then we snuggled on the couch for awhile and watched Lilo and Stitch. Eventually, she fell asleep, but only briefly. She managed a grilled cheese sandwich at the dinner table and is now sleeping soundly. She seemed to be feeling better during the evening hours. Hubby is also sick now; he is burning a fever and was complaining of a headache and an upset stomach. Arghhhh!!!! This is the worst time of year here in Florida, because so many people come to visit and they bring with them all kinds of viruses for which we Floridians have no defense. I wish that I could go back home to Boston for a few months every year; I was hardly ever sick when I lived up there, despite the chilly winters. Well, here's to a good night's sleep and feeling better tomorrow!

Sick Day

Bean was sick today; she woke up this morning throwing up, with a slight fever and feeling very cranky. She didn't eat much today but she seems to be feeling a lot better tonight. She's been Mommy's little shadow all day long, and I felt so bad for her that she was sick (although I've been sick also!). I went to a meeting tonight and was glad I did, even though I felt like sitting at home and continuing the process of getting over this cold. I've done everything I can, short of going to the doctor, to get rid of it. I've tried healing meditations, eating right, taking vitamins, drinking lots of fluids. The key ingredient that I'm having difficulty getting is rest. There isn't much time to rest with a two year old, basically three jobs (one as a Mom, one as a book keeper for my husband's business, and one as an artist) and too few hours in the day. The meeting I went to tonight was about having humility, and also about having the confidence in ourselves to pursue our goals and dreams without feeling the certainty that we'll fail. I sometimes need to work on this one. Sometimes I'm my own worst critic, but if I just keep on keepin' on I find that my confidence builds. That's all from me tonight. Peace to the blogger world. Tra la la.

Hi from South Florida

Gads, there has been so much death around me lately. Not of people with whom I'm close, thankfully, but still, it's right there. Given my past, I'm a bit supersticious and creeped out when there is so much death at the doorstep. I've lost lots of people who were close to me. I don't take any day or even any moment for granted, nor do assume that I will have time to do this or that "next year" or even "next week". People sometimes say I'm too paranoid, but to me it's just reality. Being in this blogger community for just a short time, I didn't know Betcha, but I hope that she is okay and alive somewhere out there. I'm hoping that something not so bad is amiss and that's why she hasn't checked into the online community. When I read A's blog, I freaked out and thought he might be talking about Stealthbombshell, so I checked her blog; thankfully, she was okay, but that lead me to finding out who actually is missing, and it freaked me out to think that this beautiful, young and obviously well loved woman had disappeared. So, today we had lunch with my daughter's Bubbie. She has been sick for a long time and is having surgery in about three weeks. She will probably be okay, but you never know, so even though R and I are both sick, we met with her for lunch and just made sure not to get too close to her (which is very difficult for her given that she loves R so much!!!). My Dad always told us to tell people you love that you love them every time you say goodbye. I think he was right about that, 'cuz you just never know what could happen once you part ways.