"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?"

Everybody make sure you set your clocks ahead one hour this Saturday!!!!! If not, for sure you will be late for work on Monday!!! (Incidentally, I've forgotten to do this before only to receive a phone call from work asking why I wasn't there...) Thank God my husband is my boss nowadays, and he knows how flaky I sometimes can be. (Calm down, all you feminists. I do the paperwork for my husband's business, hence the whole "boss" title...) I have been feeling tired and kind of yucky over the past few days. Feeling this way always causes me anxiety because it's remeniscent of how I felt when I was pregnant and I don't want to be pregnant again. My Mom might be Catholic but I don't feel it necessary to have ten children (unless that's your desire). The coolest thing for me about pregnancy was feeling the baby move around. Other than that, it was nine plus months of feeling nauseus, not being able to fit into my regular clothes, not being able to breathe once the baby got big (at around six months), not being able to do much walking because if I did my ankles would swell, and having to put up with countless numbers of people telling me what I should/shouldn't be eating, what the sex of my baby was (I'd had an ultrasound and knew she was a girl, but some people insisted that I was having a boy because I was carrying totally in the front-extremely aggravating), and how all of these horrible things were going to happen to my body (to date I've lost all the baby weight plus more, and I came out of the whole thing with no stretch marks or varicose veins). I don't want to go there again, no matter how much of a blessing I believe children to be. I love my little boobala and every minute of my pregnancy was worth the privilege of being her Mom, but I'm content to have one baby. That said, if it turns out that I'm pregnant you all will have to put up with months of listening to me kvetch about how awful I feel, so keep your fingers crossed that I'm not!!!!!

The Changing Winds...

Some days I just literally thank God for the stability that comes with having a child. Another girl friend of mine told me she and her husband are moving away (not for about five years, but still, they're leaving). Nearly everyone I know is getting tired of living in South Florida because of the hurricanes and the congestion that's coming with all of the new people moving here. Also, most of the people I know who have kids don't want their kids going to school here, and a teacher friend of mine (who just told me she is moving to Georgia) backed up their sentiments on Sunday by telling me the middle and high schools here are generally terrible. I grew up in Boston, where everything felt so solid. Here everything feels so transient and it's difficult to become too close to anyone because so many people don't stay here. We've been talking about moving away also, but we're not sure where we want to go. I'm leaning more toward North Carolina, I think. I love the weather here during the winter but I'd like to raise my little one with better values than the ones I see here. There are good people here, don't get me wrong, but there is so much to contend with when it comes to raising children. I'm fearful of Little R growing up here. I'd like her to have a sense of God in her life, and to be able to grow up running around in the woods like I did when I was small. There aren't many woods left around here; the cities keep cutting them down so they can replace the real trees with palms that offer nothing in the way of shade and nothing in the way of habitat for the animals who have no place to go because the trees have been mowed down. My husband is licensed in Florida and knows people here, so he's hesitant to leave the state, but we'll see what happens. Time will tell. In the meantime, it's a day at a time, enjoying each day, creating, laughing, living, loving my family and thanking God for Little R.

Lazy Saturday

This is a picture of my husband looking out over Bourbon Street during our December trip to New Orleans, where he is from. The French Quarter has bounced back quite a bit from Katrina, but other parts of the city are still devastated. We met a woman who lost her home in the flooding; it's all so scary and sad. My husband's family lives in Lafayette and they were okay, but it was very stressful while we were watching the news, waiting for the hurricane to make it's way toward Louisiana. The energy in the French Quarter was wonderful and strong; we both wanted to sleep with the windows open through a lack of wanting to block that energy out. Today has been so lazy. I took a trip to Walmart this morning for sippy cups and sand toys. My husband is snoring away in the bed nearby; he worked this morning and is tired. We might hit a drive in later tonight. Movie watching is difficult with a baby, but at least if we're in the truck apart from other people we won't disrupt anyone else's movie watching enjoyment!!!! Last night a girl friend of mine invited us to an outdoor Shabbat service at her temple, where Rick Recht was playing. For anyone who isn't familiar with Rick Recht, he's fantastic. He plays Jewish rock music and he conducted the service with the Rabbi. All the little kids got up and were dancing in the front row (a little baby mosh pit of sorts). After going to Temple Beth El I'm convinced that it's a warm, friendly congregation and I might start going there more often with my friend who invited us there last night. Little R is still too young to know what's going on at services, but before I know it I'll be taking her with me and the Rabbi there really gets the kids involved and makes going to temple fun for them as well as educational. Anyway, I'm much more positive than I was when I last wrote and I feel bad that I got so upset with the guys working on the building. I guess it was just stress that built up over time; maybe just a result of me being away from the mountains for too long!!! I've been having dreams and fantasies about mountain climbing and hiking!!!!

Fire Alarms and Condo Conversions

As I was washing the dishes this morning, the people working on our building set the fire alarm off for the fourth time in a couple of weeks. It might not sound like a big deal, but the fire alarm emits an ear peircing noise that scares the baby and annoys the hell out of me. Today I'd had it; I went outside and yelled at them that they were morons, asking how many more times today the alarm would be set off. Totally unspiritual, I know. I guess I'm just more tired than usual; R was up in the middle of the night last night due to teething issues and this week has been non stop running around and I'm a little bit burned out. I'm frustrated with all of the renovations being done around here; when our building was just an apartment building they let it go to hell, but now that it's been sold to be transformed into yet more condos for people moving to Florida they're working on it like crazy and disrupting the lives of everyone still living out their leases here. A few days ago we had a living room full of plants because they are painting the outside of the building. Several days went by and they still haven't started painting our building, so finally I put the plants back out there. I'll move them again when they actually being painting our balcony area. Until then, babies and plants cannot co-exist in the same small apartment. At least, not my baby. She's 16 months old and running around and into everything, and the plants would NOT enjoy a long prosperous lives if she had her way. Not that she would hurt them intentionally; she is just curious. I suppose I'm feeling a bit resentful about the cost of living here having been driven up so high over the past few years. I really want to escape from apartment living; I'm so fed up with it. Real estate is through the roof here; Donald Trump is building $700,000.00 plus condos on the beach down the street from our home!!!! $700,000.00 and up!!!!! Florida used to be the poor man's California; now it's going to be just like California as far as real estate. Even a small, rundown shack on the outskirts of crack town is $300,000.00 to $400,000.00. It is extremely frustrating. Our trip to Ocala proved eye opening. It is beautiful up there and homes are slightly more affordable, but there is nothing to do up there and I'm concerned that we might not be happy, having lived near the cities of Fort Lauderdale and Miami for so long. I love the country, so, so much, but up there it's a long way to any sort of action, and I don't know what the kids do up there. Anyway, I've got to go and figure out what R and I are going to do today. For sure, we need to get out of here for awhile, maybe pack a lunch and head down by the beach again or something. Even the mall would be better than staying here.

Tuesday, Tuesday

We had a great weekend camping in the Ocala National Forest; lots of work but well worth it to get out of town for a few days. No cells phones, no work, just three days of being out in the woods. It was thirty five degrees the second night we were there, which was a bit chilly for tent sleeping, but other than that the weather was great. We did some short hiking and hung out with some cool people who camped on either side of us. Both groups had small children and our daughter hooked up with them right away. Once she saw the kids she didn't care that we were even there!!!! It was good to be home on Monday night; no more sharing bathroom space or sleeping in a chilly tent. I forget how much I love my bed until I spend a few nights without it, although we did have an air mattress, so we weren't exactly suffering... This photograph was taken near Key Biscayne, Florida. My husband and I were driving home one afternoon and noticed the spectacular sunset that was occuring over Miami, so we stopped to enjoy it. South Florida boasts some beautiful sunsets; I think it has something to do with the wide expanses of sky and our proximity to the ocean. I'm still not sure where we're going to move when our lease is up in October. We'd like to buy something but all of the people moving down here are helping to create a situation where it's very difficult to buy anything decent; prices of homes are through the ceiling. Hopefully something will come up; my husband knows a few builders; maybe someone will be able to give us a good deal on a home in the near future. Well, I'm just rambling tonight, so that's it!

Glad to Be Warm!

Ahhh, it's warm here and sunny; it was about 75 degrees today. I checked the weather back home and it was a balmy 20 degrees, weather I am no longer used to after living in Florida for about nine years. As much as I hate the hurricane season, I do love it here during the winter months. My dream would be to someday do as the Canadiennes do, and visit here during the cold months only. Then, when the winds began to blow I could amskray back up north where it's relatively safe. The only thing I ever had to worry about in Boston was those damned wharf rats..... I had lunch today with some friends-Thai food. I love Thai, the baby wasn't so impressed. Too spicy, maybe, for her little tastebuds. She ate rice and a little tofu. I'm still going strong with the vegetarian diet and feel good about it. I feel like I'm doing something that for me is ethically correct, and how can you go wrong when you're doing something that you feel is ethically correct??? Well, unless you're a psychopath or something.

My How Life Changes

So, I found out last night that my ex boyfriend, the one who didn't want to get married and have kids, (which became a big point of contention in our relationship) is having a baby with his new girlfriend. I'm happy for him and for her, but it was a shock to hear that. I mean, I have a baby and a husband and am happy and know that everything is the way it's supposed to be but it was still surprising. I used to dream of having this man's baby and now it feels like he's living the dream that I had with him with another woman, like I wasn't good enough or something. I know that's not how it is, and I honestly am glad that he and I did not have a child together, but my mind can run itself in circles sometimes and that's where it took me last night. I had a great night last night hanging out with sober people; we went out for Cuban food in Hallandale and then to Coldstone for ice cream (the best, most orgasmic ice cream you can eat, I promise). The baby ate some rice and beans and plantains and I was excited to be able to order in Spanish and have what I said actually sound like Spanish. It took me years to learn how to roll my r's without sounding like I was trying too hard. I'm learning French right now but Spanish is next on my list of languages to learn. Since I'm of French descent, I wanted to learn that first; it's important for me to be in touch with my roots because they are the base of who I am as a person. Anyone who has a problem with the French can bite me; it's wrong to take a government and let it determine how you feel about an entire people. That's just how I feel.

Monday Afternoon-blogging around

Another Monday is here and I can tell I'm a true Floridian now because I have flip flop tan lines on my feet. I always forget to put sunblock on my feet; oh well. I had a nice morning with my daughter walking around a nearby park. There is a walkway which extends over the mangrove swamp and she and I walked the length of it to a gazebo at the end. I was able to take a few good shots of her there; it's nice to get some pictures of her someplace other than home. I love this picture of Marilyn because she was in her 30's when this picture was taken, and maybe on the brink of discovering the wisdom that comes with not being a "kid" anymore. Alas, she never had a chance to ditch the total sexpot image and move into the role of the sexy older chick, more mature and experienced, maybe stronger and more self assured. People think she was a ditz but really she was quite intelligent; maybe that's why she had so much difficulty with all the b.s. of Hollywood... Anyway, artists often suffer much for their creativity, of this I am well aware.

Happy Love Day

It's Valentine's Day; nothing really big planned for tonight but I don't need for there to be. I'm really, really happy and grateful to have a Valentine to share the day/night with here in 2006. Actually, I have two Valentines-my hubby and my daughter, and it's a beautiful thing. I can remember back three years or so ago when I was in my apartment in Hollywood, wishing that I could just find that special person, my besherte as they say in Yiddish. No matter what's going on in life it helps to have someone to share the journey with.

No Snow Here!!!

Well, I've been watching the news forecasts from back home and am currently very happy to be living in Florida. In a few month when it's a million degrees down here and we're blowing all over the Atlantic I might feel differently, but for now I feel pretty good about being here! It was "cold" here this morning, like around 35 degrees, which in Florida is very cold. After the summer heat I love it when it gets cool here; my only regret is that it doesn't stay cool for longer. What I don't miss is digging my car out of the snowbanks that it used to get plowed under while it was parked in the lot behind my apartment in downtown Boston. I also don't miss stomping through two feet of snow to get to the subway train in the morning so I could get to work. Ahhh tropical breezes.

SHABBAT SHALOM

Good Shabbos to those of you for whom it's relevant. I for one am happy that it's almost Friday night. I guess I really can't complain; I spent two hours outside at the park with my daughter, enjoying the sunshine with a girl friend of mine, while many are anticipating snow. And, really, if my daughter is happy at the end of the day I feel good. I feel like I've helped accomplish something really great and special. I've really been running on faith this week, using the Torah portion (which is about the exodus from Egypt and the parting of the Sea of Reeds) as an example of how God does miraculous things in our lives but sometimes we can't exactly see that he is doing something good when we're in the middle of all kinds of bad stuff. Moses was in the ocean all the way up to his nose before God told him to raise his staff and parted the sea. This tells me how important it is to have faith, to keep walking forward even when the situation seems dire and we're not sure what is going to happen, to have the faith that things are going to turn out okay. I believe God wanted Moses to raise his staff because in life God wants us to take an active part in the things that happen in our lives and to make the conscious choice to trust Him and to move forward. He could have parted the sea without Moses raising his staff, after all, He is God! But, I think it was important for Moses to take an active role in what happened next, to show God that he trusted Him and was willing to press forward even against seemingly very bad odds. And that's what we'll do!!

Another New Day

This has been a rough week so far. I'm trying to stay positive but aside from all of this IRS stuff I'm also experiencing a lot of financial insecurity due to the fact that no money has been coming in lately. People owe us money, but no one seems to be paying up and it's extremely frustrating and scary. This picture was taken in Colorado two years ago but I like it because it reminds me of a simple and nice time. Which is funny because at the time the picture was taken I had just gone through a horrible breakup and was in extreme emotional pain. Something about that western wind calms my soul, though. Another friend of mine just told me he's heading out to Durango this week-that makes four friends in Colorado. I feel like there is some sort of message here, but I can't convince hubby. Besides, if we're broke here we will really be in trouble if we move out west. So, I'm trying to take things a day at a time and stay positive. My cell phone just rang and it was said ex-boyfriend. Do I want to call him back??? We're still friends, but I'm wondering what he wants as we don't converse over the phone very often.

PS: It's really bumming me out that I'm too computer challenged to figure out how to post my picture with my name!!! =(

Monday Monday

Well, I spent the last couple of hours sifting through more paperwork for the IRS. Not fun, but I'm glad I got more done because now we're that much closer to being through with this mess. This needs to get done quickly; my skin is breaking out from the stress. On a good note, I got into contact today with an old tattoo shop friend who I haven't spoken with in years. The internet can be a super cool thing. I have work on me that this artist did and am glad that we can now keep in touch through email. All I have left to do tonight is wait for the pizza and give the baby a bath. I didn't paint today but have painted for the past three or four days straight and feel like I'm making progress on my latest painting. Due to that, I mentally feel much better than I would if I wasn't staying in a creative space.

Screwing Around Again

Here I am messing around on the internet again. I should be painting-my soul needs a creative release. In a few minutes...If I don't pull myself from the computer soon the baby will be awake and I'll be kicking myself (which isn't as easy to do as it sounds) for not spending some time in my studio. Anyway, the IRS sucks ass. My husband received a letter yesterday telling him he's getting audited for 2001, which means lots of time sorting through lots of unorganized paperwork. Time that I would much rather spend living life. It has to be walked through, though. Actually, I thought if I put a catchy header on my blog maybe someone would actually look at it. I guess I need to start posting raunchy photos or something. My blog is just too boring!

Some Truths About Florida

It's a sunny Florida morning here so far, but while I was in the shower I was reflecting back on a recent trip to Rhode Island. A woman in the airport made a comment to me about how she would love to move to Florida so she could enjoy a "slower pace" of life. For some reason her comment annoyed the hell out of me, I guess because I've lived here for long enough to have shattered any past illusions I may have had regarding living here in "paradise". Following is a list of common fallacies and my responses:

1.) If you move to Florida you will enjoy a wonderful existance lounging at the beach drinking margheritas.

Truth: If you move to Florida you will most likely be working so hard to support yourself that you won't have much time to spend lounging on the beach. Unless, of course, you move here with lots of money. Most people who live here visit the beach at night and during the weekends, if they aren't working, which nice. But, don't expect to move here and suddenly be spending most of your time there.

2.) The cost of living is lower here.

Truth: The cost of living used to be lower here. I recently traveled back up north to Mass. and, believe me, the cost of living isn't any lower here than it is there. I pay $1200.00 a month for an apartment, spend more money on car insurance than I spent when I lived in city of Boston, and spend the same amount on groceries, etc., that I spend when I go back north to visit. Because of the demand for homes here (because of the glut of people moving here) the cost of even a crappy house is through the roof, and if you buy a house insurance rates are crazy due to our recent spate of heavy hurricane activity (which isn't expected to end any time soon). Despite the fact that the cost of living is beginning to skyrocket, the pay rates are not. Therefore, you could well find yourself trying to support your lifestyle while making less money than you made up north and spending just as much.

3.) Living in Florida is Paradise, all the time.

Fact: Having lived through two bad hurricane seasons, I know the reality of living in "paradise". I spent a full week back in October with no power, enjoying cold showers (when our water came back on) and trying to cook dinner on a camp stove. And we had a generator, which helps quite a bit. During the hurricane previous to Wilma we lost our power for three days. A girl friend of mine lost her home and decided to move the hell out of here. I have at least two friends who moved, one to Denver and the other to the mountains (okay, he actually just sold his house and is in the process of moving to the mountains somewhere) because of the hurricanes and the congestion caused by all of the new people moving here. Never in my life have a seen such a proliferation of crack cocaine abuse; twice I've had people try to sell me crack while I've been out riding my bicycle, and I wasn't riding my bike in a particularly bad area.

4.) Because we're in the south, people are friendlier in Florida.

Living in south Florida, where I live, is really like living in a hot version of New York City, due to the fact that half the people who live here have moved from New York (many of my friends here are transplanted New Yorkers). Half of the Italian New Yorkers living here think they just stepped out of a hip and slick episode of the Sopranos. Don't get me wrong, a few of those Italians are friends of mine, but it can be quite aggravating when one of them gets p.o.'d at you in the checkout line at the supermarket. It's dog eat dog in business, there are many, many people on the take, many scams in place to which it is easy to fall prey, and while I've made some good friends here, I've met lots of people who turned out to be genuinely psychotic. I was told when I moved here that most of the people who live here will turn on you on a dime and that it's wise to trust no one and I've sincerely found that to be true. Many of the good and true friends I've made here have eventually moved elsewhere because they became tired of the hurricanes and living in a perpetual state of mistrust. And that southern hospitality thing is a bunch of bs. I'd rather have someone tell me I'm a jackass to my face than act all nice to me and then stick a knife in my back as soon as I turn around.

5.) We enjoy a slower pace of life.

Truth: This might be true if you live in Key West. Life is definitely more relaxed there. Otherwise, it's a little more casual but not much slower. Maybe compared to New York City it's a little slower, but not compared to Boston, where I'm from. If you have a great work ethic you can do well here, because so many people do not. The truth is that no matter where you go you are going to have to work hard to be successful, and that truth holds here just as much as anyplace else. I spent the past four years busting my butt working in a law office and am relieved to be out of that business. I have experienced no less stress since moving to Florida, believe that.

All of this said, if you move here with an open mind and no expectation that your move southward will guarantee life in a Jimmy Buffet song, you might like it. I myself am looking toward moving to someplace with mountains and woods (most of the woods here are being cleared for condos). I will homeschool my child before I put her into a Florida school and subject her to the joke that is called education here. On the positive side, I met my husband here and we have a beautiful daughter. I've made a few good friends here. I found my spiritial truth here (and almost drowned doing an ocean mikveh after a hurricane-I think the Rabbi almost had a heart attack and the story will cause laughter throughout the temple for years to come). I've experienced many positive things while here, because I was open to positive things happening and to abandoning my preconceived notions about what Florida would be. But I'm tired of running from hurricanes, tired of the rudeness of people here, and tired of the hustle and bustle of the perpetual urban suburbia that exits here (aside from Fort Lauderdale and Miami, every place in south Florida is neither city nor is it suburban-it's kind of halfway in between). I'm tired of the hookers who walk up and down Federal Highway trying to make enough money to score a $20.00 hit of crack (it's getting better, but for a long time I couldn't even walk on Federal Highway without getting propositioned by someone hoping I was a hooker, and neither could any of the other women I know). I'm a hiker and a climber-my soul needs the mountains.

That's all from me for today.

I don't have too much to say today, other than that sometimes I think it's easier to move out of town than it is to live in the same town as an ex. I have a great life, I have a great husband, I have no reason to harbor any ill feelings, and yet when I see my ex with his new girlfriend it's pisses me off that he seems to be so in love. What is this all about??? I don't in any way wish that I was still with him; maybe it's just ego taking a front seat. I see them together and my ego is angry that he's so over me. I don't feel this way about any other ex's. Then again, this was a long term relationship filled with all of the "when we buy a house, when we get married" yada yada that long term relationships often bring, and the breakup was quite bad, and part of the breakup was linked to the current girlfriend. I dunno.