Easter Sunday

I hope everyone out there in blogger space who celebrates Easter has a happy day today. I am supposed to be in the shower right now and will be momentarily, hopefully before N walks in the door, home from church. I'm such an irresponsible wife some days but I honestly try my hardest. There is a free spirit inside this wife and mommy that will never be anything but, and I have to work daily to integrate her wildness with the part of me who loves home, security and routine. That's one of the things which makes creativity so wonderful. I can channel my fears, frustrations, joys, etc. into my art and the energy generated creates a whole new story. Someone else might look at my photographs, drawings or paintings and find a new meaning, a meaning all their own which is just as valid because my art is generated (I believe) through my connection to a divine power, and it's not just about or for my own needs and wants. We are going to have Easter dinner with a friend of ours today, but I'm not sure what time we are supposed to be at his house, so I'd best get hopping (little Easter pun there-gag or laugh at will). It won't do to have my husband come home and find Little One and I still lying around in our jammies, although I must confess that's all I feel like doing today. Such a lazy girl, me, on Sunday.

Happy Ostara

(Above picture from Llewllyn Witches Calendar 2000)

Happy Ostara/Vernal Equinox to all. Little One and I have been busily immersed in activities to celebrate the holiday, making and painting papier mache eggs, coloring in an Ostara coloring page, making hard boiled eggs to decorate. That last activity is going to be pushed back to tomorrow, since today has gotten away from us. All in all it has been a great day. I stuck to a schedule of some sort and we managed to get all of our errands done this morning and still make a trip to the park. After that we came home for lunch, where N was working ( a good thing in these scary financial times) and passed on a bunch of work to me. Thus, we didn't have time to decorate our eggs today, but will have a fun project to do tomorrow. I was in a great mood earlier, but now I feel a little bit grumpy. I'm not sure exactly why; possibly it has to do with an upcoming job N has taken. Although I think that being alone for short (maybe) stretches might be good for me in some ways, the things that are good for us spiritually are often painful in the beginning, and sometimes they are painful all the way through. I hate being separated from N. I do believe that the Goddess works in mysterious ways, and I've seen her work in my life often over the past couple of weeks. Too many things have happened to be called coincidence and I am clinging to that in the hopes that the coming months will yield some wonderful fruits, financially, artistically and spiritually. Time will tell!

Popping By

I haven't written anything in days. I just don't have the time to write every day anymore. Really, I've never had the time, but here and there I can squeeze in some computer time. That said, I'm supposed to be doing some work right now.....I have been reading other blogs, and am amazed at how some people will just leave whatever comments they feel like leaving on someone's site (I'm talking about rude, nasty comments) without stating who they are. Is this about fear? Is it about worrying that other people will think them petty or silly or both? We all write online for different reasons. For me, it's about satiating my writing jones and keeping up some contact with an outside world farther away than outside my door and down the street. As a stay at home Mom, sometimes I feel isolated and a bit lonely. Sure, I have friends, but with my time schedule the way it is, I have very little down time. I'm inspired and get support from some of my online friends, and I have come back into contact with some old friends who now live far away as well, which has been wonderful. Some current correspondence I've entered into with a woman who I will most likely never meet in this lifetime has been helping me tremendously along the spiritual path I know is right for me (and thank you, A, for telling me to "dance like no one is watching"! You couldn't have put it better.), although I'm not sure she realized she was going to be a teacher when we first started "talking"! I hope I'm helping her as well. Sometimes maybe I put out too much. The fact is, when we type something into our computer and send it along it's merry way we don't know who is going to read our words. As an artist, an emotionally charged person, a person who "feels" so so so so much all the time, it feels natural to just blurt out what I'm feeling. I do try to refrain from giving anyone except for my close friends, people who I truly know, deeply personal information. But I try to be honest online, to "be who I write". If anyone doesn't like that, I guess they can just travel along the internet to another site! I don't know how to be anything other than who I am, and I don't have interest in being a fluffy blogger just because some people perusing blog sites think that people should refrain from talking about their true emotions. That said, thanks to those of you who listen kindly.

The above picture is a peice of a lithograph I did years ago. It looks better in its entirety, but what the hell.

Saturday Musings

It's Saturday, N is working, and I am home alone with Little Bee. The sun is shining gloriously outside after a morning of angry rainstorms. Our tomato plants appear to be a bit battered by the onslaught. They need watering, but their delicate arms can't withstand too much battering the way they are staked. I think I will need to purchase some tomato cages and fence the little fellows in so that they will have a chance to produce come the strong sunshine of the summer. I find myself lonely today, and not just a tad homesick once again. The above picture is such a stereotype of northern Witchcraft, but, all humor aside, I did like Salem when I visited there. Although so much old anger lies in the soil of the old graveyards, the town has a very old New England feel to it. Granted, most people visiting there know very little about true Witchcraft, but I like that Laurie Cabot has shone a bit of light on that subject. It was her shop I first traveled to when I wanted to learn more, one summer day many years ago. I remember the trip like it was yesterday, buzzing along the highway on the back of my then boyfriend's motorcycle, clutching the too big helmet to my head and anticipating what it would be like to meet a REAL WITCH. I was so naive back then. When we entered Laurie's old shop (Crow Haven Corner) I was assailed by the heady fragrance of incense. It was as if magic hung in the air at that place; there were shelves of books discussing various subjects related to all things Witchy and magical, jewelry, ritual tools, interesting objects D'Art. Laurie was not there, only a quiet, mohawked girl behind the counter, wearing a chopped up t shirt with a pentacle screen printed on the front. I didn't purchase anything that day, but the seed was planted. Later, I bought a few of Laurie's books, which lead me to other books, and on and on I went on this spiritual quest. I've wandered the pathways of other religions since then, but I'm always called back to this one. An online friend told me that some of us hear a calling to the Pagan path, and that it's special when this occurs, and I think she's right. She also advised me recently that when we become seekers along the magical pathway, a God or Goddess will often choose to teach us. I smiled when I read this, since I am very attracted to Brighid and have been inspired to do a painting in her honor (of course, this means I need to finish the other painting on which I'm working...). I'm a bit lonely along this road. I found a local Pagan community while I was browsing online, but haven't attended any of their meetups yet. I believe they meet once a month. I am experiencing trepidation; is this fear of the unknown, fear of making any real sort of committment (which would need to be examined), fear of what N might think? Perhaps what I feel is a combination of all of these things. I have always been mainly solitary in my studies and ritual work. Venturing into a public arena is a bit scary for me; it means sharing very personal idea and beliefs, and I'm not used to doing that. In the everyday world, this type of belief system is so foreign as to be frightening to many people, and people tend to act with hostility when confronted with issues and/or beliefs that frighten them. Also in the shadows of my mind lurks the fear of betraying any sort of religious beliefs my family might have. I do feel connected to being Jewish and to having Catholic roots as well (although I'm more comfortable with my Jewish roots than my Catholic ones- I relate my Irish roots to a Pagan spiritual belief system). I try to incorporate different aspects of Judaism and Paganism into my life, but sometimes it's difficult to do this, since Judaism is completely incompatable with Paganism! The concept of One God eclipsed Pagan ideas when it came into being; those following a "One God" religion simply do not believe that there are other Gods/Goddess in existence and they definitely do not try to communicate with them or understand them on a deeply personal level. I feel that meeting other people who practice the Old Ways might help me to feel more comfortable with my own beliefs and experiences. Perhaps, in this Leap Year, it's time to take that leap of faith and sail into some uncharted territories, to climb mountains that I have not as yet mapped routes for. I know that once a route along a mountain is created, it's easier to climb it the next time, for the safety bolts have been anchored, and a bit of previous fear has been conquered. We've been introduced to companions who have traveled such routes before, thus giving us confidence that we too can pull ourselves up to greater spiritual heights, no matter how many little rocks and pebbles might occasionally shower down around us. We cling to the mountain, becoming, in a sense, one with her, letting her quiet strength penetrate our souls. I suppose I should be grateful for having a mind that constantly seeks and constantly questions and a soul which thirsts for a true connection with the Great Song, the Oran Mor, and my Guardian Spirits. I am grateful.