Heading for the Woods

Okay, so this picture has nothing to do with the woods, but I haven't uploaded any new woods pictures yet so today we have one from a beach trip Little One and I took last summer. Tomorrow morning we're driving up to Fisheating Creek to camp for two nights and a couple of days. We have gathered a large group of people to meet us there and it should be a good time. I'm so bored right now that doing anything that involves spending time outside will be great. I'm hoping we get the chance to do some hiking this time around. For me, being in the woods and not being afforded the opportunity to hike is a cruel form of torture. While it may seem that just being in the woods should offer that opportunity, having kids changes the dynamics of life quite a bit. During the last trip to the Creek we walked around a bit but never had a chance to do any serious hiking due to the fact that our traveling companions were experiencing marital strife (never a fun issue for anyone involved), my daughter wasn't in the mood to walk, and we didn't have anyone at the camp who could help us watch her. I'm not really into anyone watching my daughter when we're out in the woods anyway, save for handful of people, so it's difficult to accomplish any type of challenging hike. I'm not sure who will show up for this trip but we'll do what we can and have fun with whatever we can make happen, as well as with whatever comes about. Sometimes events to which we've lent no effort or thought conspire which surpass anything we had conjured in our own imaginations.

Just For Today

Things are okay today. N got a small amount of money from the person I will now call "Evil Dude" for the sake of making something even the tiniest bit humorous out of a seriously bad situation. I will at least be able to get payroll this week, as well as pay a couple of bills. I was also able to pay a couple of bills this morning, so we're at least not behind the 8 ball. I have to stay in the moment somewhat right now, otherwise I'll be flipping out all day due to panic attacks. I did a card reading this morning, something I have not done in a very long time, which gave me some great insight into how to handle my conflicting emotions today. Following some of what I read, I made sure I took my Baby Girl to the beach today. We ran around in the sand, picking up shells and making sand forts, until she became tired and started throwing sand at me. She is still sniffly and tires quickly. She will never admit that she's tired, therefore when the sleepy bug bites her she switches into crazy mode and begins doing things like throwing sand, lying on the ground refusing to move, and other such unpleasant activities. Being at the beach with Little B kept me focused on the importance of family and on the happiness of childhood. I knew from the reading not to expect Evil Dude to come up with the full amount he owes my husband. I also knew that allowing myself to fall apart in fear over this fact was not going to help my family in any way. The worst was indeed realized when we discovered that E.D. owes nearly everyone with whom he is involved, including his employees, money. However, my husband's perseverance resulted in him obtaining enough money to get us by for another week or so. Anyway, one day at a time, we can get through the struggles before us!

A Smile on Monday

Here's another picture of my Beauty Queen and me, taken by my friend, Sam, at the wedding on Saturday. It reminds me of what is truly important in life and of how blessed I am. Our money situation is continueing, but for some reason today I wasn't as bothered by it. I have a gut feeling that things are going to work out somehow. N is busy at work, we have money coming in eventually, and we have the rent money so it's not like we're going to be out on the street or something. I spent some time this morning looking up Imbolc crafts to do with my daughter in the next couple of weeks. I've decided on candle making. I think I can buy a kit at the craft store-something small to start out with. It might be a great skill to learn, since making one's own candles for things such as rituals imbibes them with a greater, more personal energy. Plus, my daughter loves engaging in just about any sort of craft, and I love doing them with her. I'm trying to find a balance once again between my spiritual backgrounds, since leaving one of them in the proverbial dust isn't working out so great for me. In order to feel really great about and really centered within my spiritual path, to really feel connected to my H.P., I need to incorporate different elements from my heritage into my spiritual practice. Some might not agree with this, but I think it can work for me, given that I possess a rather broad concept of God- as Father, Mother, wind, moon, star, nature. I believe that there is spirit in everything-in the trees, the oceans, the wind. My concept of spirit doesn't exactly fit into a neat box, but I think that, for me, it works most days.

A Wedding

Yesterday we attended the wedding of two old friends who have gone through so much together and in their separate lives. It was really nice; the romantic in me really gets off on the idea that this couple was one destined to be together somehow because they separated for a long time, dated other people, and then came back together again. There were so many people at the wedding N and I know, so it was fun on that level also. We didn't get to do too much dancing but I threw down a little bit on the dancefloor with my little one. There were too other adorable little girls at the party who were close in age to her so she enjoyed running around with them. A friend of ours snapped this picture of me and my little family and emailed it to me this morning. Thanks, Sam!

It was nice to have the distraction of a wedding yesterday. For at least one day N and I both managed to not think about the financial C-R-A-P and this morning N's priest said he received a message that we will be getting some money this Tuesday. I wrote an invocation this morning for help from our current crisis and will spend a little quiet prayer time with the Great Mother later today or tomorrow morning. I keep feeling like our situation is going to turn out alright somehow, but I'm still not sure what action we will need to take to turn this feeling into a reality. More will be revealed as time goes on. I'm still evolving spiritually, experimenting with what feels good to me, finding my connection with a higher power to be stronger when some Celtic tradition and communing with nature is thrown into the mix. I'm okay with that; I think I've accepted that my spiritual path is never going to be exactly like anyone else's but that there are so many people with whom I can relate through the different aspects of my own spiritual path, winding though it seems to be.

Happy Friday

Things are still feeling tense on this end. Money troubles suck. I feel like things will work out eventually, but the waiting is the hardest part. I'm trying with gusto not to nurse a resentment against the guy who owes my husband the cash, but it's difficult in light of the fact that he keeps presenting everyone with ridiculous excuses about why he can't pay everyone. I'd rather hear one honest, "Sorry, I'm broke" than a hundred stupid lies. I'm grateful that my husband and I have been together for long enough and have a tight enough bond that we're maintaining a united front. We're both anxious, but we're not taking the anxiety out on each other. There is almost nothing worse than money troubles when it comes to keeping relationships together.

On another note, some days it's difficult to know where I am in all of the different parts of my life. There seems to be an endless litany of laundry, floor sweeping, paperwork, doing, doing, doing. At the end of the day I'm exhausted and still haven't done anything related to my creative path. I decided today that this must change and have re-committed to taking some positive steps in the direction of my own dreams. I've said this before and am, in fact, tired of hearing myself say it, but I truly have come to a realization deep inside that my own emotional and spiritual well-being depends upon me taking some positive steps on my own behalf. Our dreams don't become reality for us by sitting back and waiting for things to happen. I'm truly inspired by the friends I have who have gone for what they want and are living full, interesting lives as a result. I've always been a free spirit bogged down by all sorts of fears. As a consequence, I've ended up working such jobs as legal secretary and receptionist while my friends are living groovy lives as tattoo artists and such. There is nothing wrong with being a secretary, but I've never felt particularly happy or inspired sitting at a desk. I do love being a Mom. I fell asleep last night singing bedtime songs to my daughter and woke up next to her at 12AM, her little arms entwined with mine. That's the coolest. Being her Mom is one of the most meaningful "jobs" I've ever held; it's the only job I've ever had that felt like it held some fantastic purpose. Being her Mom has made it even more important to me to not "wimp out". How can I tell her to follow her dreams, no matter how crazy they might be, if I'm neglecting my own talents and ignoring my own dream path?

Happy Thursday

Things are still feeling tense on this end. Money troubles suck. I feel like things will work out eventually, but the waiting is the hardest part. I'm trying with gusto not to nurse a resentment against the guy who owes my husband the cash, but it's difficult in light of the fact that he keeps presenting everyone with ridiculous excuses about why he can't pay everyone. I'd rather hear one honest, "Sorry, I'm broke" than a hundred stupid lies. I'm grateful that my husband and I have been together for long enough and have a tight enough bond that we're maintaining a united front. We're both anxious, but we're not taking the anxiety out on each other. There is almost nothing worse than money troubles when it comes to keeping relationships together.

On another note, some days it's difficult to know where I am in all of the different parts of my life. There seems to be an endless litany of laundry, floor sweeping, paperwork, doing, doing, doing. At the end of the day I'm exhausted and still haven't done anything related to my creative path. I decided today that this must change and have re-committed to taking some positive steps in the direction of my own dreams. I've said this before and am, in fact, tired of hearing myself say it, but I truly have come to a realization deep inside that my own emotional and spiritual well-being depends upon me taking some positive steps on my own behalf. Our dreams don't become reality for us by sitting back and waiting for things to happen. I'm truly inspired by the friends I have who have gone for what they want and are living full, interesting lives as a result. I've always been a free spirit bogged down by all sorts of fears. As a consequence, I've ended up working such jobs as legal secretary and receptionist while my friends are living groovy lives as tattoo artists and such. There is nothing wrong with being a secretary, but I've never felt particularly happy or inspired sitting at a desk. I do love being a Mom. I fell asleep last night singing bedtime songs to my daughter and woke up next to her at 12AM, her little arms entwined with mine. That's the coolest. Being her Mom is one of the most meaningful "jobs" I've ever held; it's the only job I've ever had that felt like it held some fantastic purpose. Being her Mom has made it even more important to me to not "wimp out". How can I tell her to follow her dreams, no matter how crazy they might be, if I'm neglecting my own talents and ignoring my own dream path?

Goose Totem

(Photo by Chuck Szmurlo)

Looking for some guidance the other night, I said a prayer before bed that a solution to our current situation, or at least to my current condition of fear and worry over our finances, would come to me in the night. I dreamed a wonderful dream that night. I was at my grandparents' house up north (neither is alive on this side of the veil), in the garage with my grandmother. My Grandfather was there as well, and my aunt (who is still alive) but they didn't engage much with us except to say hello. I was visiting with them but about to go back home, and it was going to be a long trip. I was planning a stop along the way in Colorado, and was thinking that the stop was a bit out of the way but I really wanted to see my friends there. My husband and daughter were not with me; they were back home. I don't get the feeling that I was coming home to Florida; rather, I feel like "home" was someplace out west. I felt sad that I was leaving my grandmother but not overly sad. In the dream I knew that she was not alive. I was conscious of the fact that I couldn't smell her hair when she hugged me; she was before me in a different form, unlike my own. I knew that I would be seeing her again and so wasn't overcome with sorrow, and the trip I was embarking on was one of great joy so I was excited to go. It seemed there wasn't much talking going on between us, it was more just an exchange of unspoken emotion, of love. We hugged each other for a long time and when we let go I felt tears coming on, but then that brief moment of the pain of separation passed and I felt okay. She was happy and encouraging me to take the trip. Throughout the dream, I noticed geese flying in the sky outside the garage door. As well, I saw them flying past when I got out of my car on first arriving at the house. I remember Canadian geese from my childhood; we had tons of them during the warmer months of the year. I felt great when I woke up the next morning; a sense of peace had washed over me but I couldn't quite get a grasp on what the dream was about or why it gave me a feeling of ease. I consulted a book I have by Ted Andrews called Animal Speak, flipping eagerly to the page about the goose. First, it is interesting to note that geese are related to swans, as the swan has been my totem animal for many years. The book further goes on to relate that there are eight geese species in North America, the number eight being similar to the symbol for infinity. The goose "reflects movement, a call to the spiritual quest". Ted Andrews also says that the migratory nature of the goose shows us that sometimes it's good "to search out new worlds and dimensions" and that great quests bring fulfilled promises. Even the V-formation utilized by geese as they fly is significant. It is open on one end, symbolizing an opening to new possibilities and forms an arrow on the other which indicates that we are about to embark firmly on a new path. The letter "v" in Hebrew is "vau" which means nail. This is a path we are really committing ourselves to, one that is firm and sure. Geese have exceptional vision, and when the goose appears as a totem it is possible that we are going to be gifted with greater vision as well; in the case of this dream I feel that the vision is going to be of a more abstract nature. The passage ends by saying that the goose could be reflecting a breaking free from old childhood restraints and a coming into one's own. This is interesting in light of the fact that I was with my Grandparents, at the house I grew up in, for the entirety of this dream.

I feel that it will take some time to fully understand what was being related to me in this dream. I do feel that it was an answer to my question the night before; there was too much relevant information within it to take it as a coincidence, and I was not previously aware of all of the symbology of the goose as totem. Maybe my focus of this current situation has been in the wrong direction. Maybe there is something more proactive that I should be doing. I'm looking forward to going into a meditation where hopefully my spirit guide will come to me. I have been refraining from any sort of spiritual work such as meditation for personal reasons. I believe that when embarking on spiritual quests we need the proper tools to handle the images and information that comes our way. I'd been getting too overwhelmed and freaked out for awhile about all of the "stuff" that was coming at me, and I felt a need to back off and learn more. As well, we need to be willing to allow the great song of life to shape us, and sometimes I think this involves a great backing off from fear, and a willingness to be responsible and willing to do what is called upon us to do, whether it's doing relief work in a foreign country, teaching kids art, raising a family, etc. I feel like big changes are afoot and I'm a bit afraid of how I will be called upon to change, grow, and act. But, it's better to be in the Song than standing on the sidelines watching life pass by and getting sicker and sicker each day with fear and depression.

Stuck in the Blues

Some days, in spite of my best efforts at keeping a cheerful countenance, trying to just look at the things for which I am grateful, and focusing on the good in my life instead of the lacks, I just can't keep myself on the up side. Today is one of those days. I'm terribly worried about finances. Someone who owes us money is jerking my husband around, telling him he will have his money on this day, then that day, and yada yada yada. Supposedly he was supposed to produce a check yesterday but he never called us and when my husband went to his office the man was mysteriously absent. When my husband visited the guy's office on Friday he was greeted by about ten other people who were there for the same reason, which isn't a good sign of this company's finacial stability. A quick check with the Florida Division of Corporations showed me that he has several companies set up separately, and I have no faith in anything he tells us. At this point, I am looking into what legal action we can take. It's illegal to write a bad check, especially when that check is for a large sum of money. It seems to me that this guy has no real intention of getting our money to us, and, at this point, I'm losing sleep over the whole situation. I feel great resentment for people who employ unethical business practices to keep themselves afloat, leaving others to drown in the mess they've created. It's wrong.

Badass Hotties Part Two

The first time I remember really noticing Lita Ford was during college when I was dating a guy who had plastered a picture of her on the wall of his basement bedroom. The picture was classic late 1980's: Lita holding the then popular flying V guitar, looking very blonde, very curvaceous, and very hot. I would look at that picture while I was getting dressed in the morning, comparing my hips to hers and swearing off ice cream and cheeseburgers for that day. Lita was one of the women who paved the way for other women in the rock genre, along with Joan Jett (who was one of her former bandmates in The Runaways). She was slightly brash, gutsy, a wee bit cheesy (which, in the '80's was kind of cool), and she had a tough demeanor. Growing up, I always wanted to be the "tough" chick but it never worked out. People would get to know me and then any toughness I would try to project would result in fits of laughter all around. I was always known as the "cute" one. We can't all be good at everything, I suppose. As with Billy Bob Thornton, I admire Lita Ford for pursuing her dreams and for making a name in glam rock music. As well, I admire her for being able to look so hot while she was accomplishing this. I'll be thinking of her when I buy my next box of L'Oreal Extra Light Natural Blonde haircolor...

Badass Hotties Part One

This could probably be considered a shallow and silly bit of blogging fluff, but given the depressing and disturbing bits of news I've been exposed to via my television over the past two days, the fact that my brother is still missing and could be in Iraq, the fact that my other brother is going to court on Monday over a bar fight, and the recent financial woes of my little family, I don't feel much like blogging (ie, moaning) about real life right now. That said, here is my first bad ass hottie dude expose.

I chose Billy Bob Thornton as my pick for hottest badass screenwriter/actor/musician. "Why?", you ask. Well, let's see. First off, there is something extremely sexy about a man who wears the aforementioned three hats. Not only is Billy Bob an artist of the stage (movie set), but, not content merely to act out roles, he also writes movies himself (and is an Oscar winning screenwriter at that). Top that off with the passion of a musician and, oh yeah.... Billy Bob has an air about him of easygoing calm and self assurance. He's a rebel without being arrogant or taking himself too seriously. One gets the feeling that he's completely being himself, and that he intends to completely be himself regardless of what you or anyone else has to say about it. He seems like the kind of guy who would care about what his girl wants, but wouldn't be shy about telling her what he needs. On a completely superficial level, he has tattoos, and it's my opinion that tattoos up the hot quotient of most guys (provided they are already sexy on some level and that the tattoos aren't of a hate natured subject matter) and he's southern born (anyone dating or married to a southerner will understand my reasoning here-my husband is Cajun). In short, he's a guy who possessed a passion for all of the avenues down which his artistic talents lead him. He followed those avenues and displayed the courage to make his dreams become reality. And THAT is sexy as hell.

I'm Blogging When I Should be Downstairs

So I'll make it brief today. "Brief?", you say. Yeah, on occasion I'm capable of just saying a few words and then shutting up. Don't count on me to do this often, as I find it to be very difficult. I am in love with the English language and use it as much as I can.

In short, I feel a bit better today. The bank stuff got worked out, although we still haven't received payment for the job my husband did a month ago and an employee from the company actually had the gaul to call my husband this morning asking him to do something else for them. This sent me into a quick tirade about what scumbags they are, how I'm nursing a wicked resentment toward them for putting us in a bad spot financially by not paying us (supply bills must be paid regardless of slacker clients, and the subcontractor basically finances jobs for the contractor), and how the only thing they should be calling us for is to tell us we can pick up the certified check I requested for the full amount owed to my husband's company. Pay up, beiatchhh. The down side to this situation is that the economy is currently quite slow, so any work my husband can glean he pretty much takes. It's a sort of beggars can't be choosers deal, which makes me even angrier because that makes me feel like we're trapped somehow, in dealing with these people.

On another note, I found out this morning that a very close friend of ours is moving to Georgia. He and his wife have a house there and they've decided to close up shop here in Florida and move up there permanently. That's five close people and many aquaintances who've left in the past 5 or so years. I'm happy for them but sad for us. I've been missing my family so much over the past couple of days it's been making me half crazy. Also, for some reason my Dad has been in my thoughts a lot for the same amount of time. Hubster is probably starting a job in Haiti in March and I'm freaking out about the prospect of him being away, even though I'm not sure how much he'll need to be out of town. Having family around would definitely lessen the emotional toll of being away from him so much. But, I suppose I'm being somewhat of a baby. There are many, many women right now raising kids while their husbands are off fighting overseas. They seem to deal with it somehow, so I know I can too.

Oops. This wasn't really brief. What did I tell you??

Some Days, it's F.I.A.

I'm tired today. I'm tired of contractors who can't pay their bills and get other companies embroiled in horribly complicated mixups with their own banks due to bounced checks and all of the wondrous fun getting those straightened out is. I'm tired of worrying every day about how much money is in the bank account. I know that money doesn't guarantee happiness but f-ck if it doesn't help alleviate the stress of having the electricity turned off, or the landlord/mortgage not getting paid, or worrying about how one is going to send their child to a decent school when even a private PRESCHOOL costs around $6,000.00 per year, and that's a modest number. The one I want to send our daughter to is $10,000.00 a year; needless to say we'll either have to find a second choice or start homeschooling. It's ridiculous that the school system in Florida is so bad that I would even have to think about spending $10,000.00 a year for my daughter's early education. Right now the powers that be in the Florida educational system are busy debating about how evolution is taught in schools. HELLO!!!! It's a theory, it's been taught as a theory since I was in elementary school. Keep teaching it as a theory, and explain to the kids what the word "theory" means. And get busy cleaning up our public school systems because, quite frankly, they suck. One of the Moms in my daughter's gymnastics class is moving to Seattle with her husband because they don't want to raise their child in the type of environment that is rife here. She said that Seattle has a phenomenal school system and that the community they are moving to is more family friendly. And, by the way the median home price is around $600,000.00. Whew! Again, if we had an ample amount of money, I wouldn't be worrying about the school system here. We could just move someplace where marriage is actually a valued institution and the public school systems are actually educating our children. I had an extremely frustrating second half of the day. That line from an old Dixie Chicks song that goes, "Ready ready ready ready to run..." kept playing in the background of my mind for hours. I'm not going anywhere, and I don't really want to go anywhere, but some days it's easy to become overwhelmed by the pace of life, and by all of the obstacles that keep getting tossed in our way, just when it seems we're on the brink of making some real progress. I like the above picture of Courtney Love because I kind of love her punk rockedness, her hard core attitude, and her ability to plow forward into success, even if she's experienced quite a few bumps along the way. Punk rock all the way today, baby.

Do Not Disturb--Artist at Work...

Last night I finally made some time, in spite of feeling tired and lazy, to take out my brushes, paints, etc. and lay down some acrylic. It felt great and I was able to accomplish a little bit more on this painting that I am so so so into finishing. I have ideas swirling around in my head, deeply personal ideas that I want to put onto canvas, and if I don't get this peice done soon those ideas will eventually just fade away and be gone forever. It's true that the soul of an artist is always happiest when creating artwork. I guess it's just a matter of making and sometimes forcing the time for the creating to happen.

Fate, Luck, or What?

I went to the gym this morning (yay, me-I finally used the adult locker room and found it to be ever so much nicer than the family one; I feel silly about my previous shyness, as it turned out to be much more private than I'd anticipated in the shower room), then home for lunch. I mention the "home for lunch" because this is where the issue of fate comes in. My daughter has been nursing somewhat of a cold for the past two days. Although she seemed to be feeling much better today, her little nose is still a bit stuffy and she cannot currently use it for breathing. This caused lunch to stretch out endlessly today, much to my chagrin since I had several different places to visit and wanted to eat lunch and get back out the door as quickly as possible (how silly of me; I forget that for a three year old there is no such thing as rushing since three year olds have no real conception of time). Finally, the Spaghetti O's were gone, my little one's face was cleaned of it's tomato sauce war paint, and we were on the road again. Our first stop was the bank. This is where the issue of fate comes in.

When I made the turn onto the street where the bank is located, I noticed several police cars parked along the street in front of the building. Hmmm. Not a good sign. I slowly pulled into the parking lot, making note of two women who were standing outside, looking very upset. One was chattering away on a cell phone with a Spanish accent. I parked the car, fairly certain that something terrible had occurred, then heard someone grumble that the bank would be closed for an undetermined length of time. It turns out the bank was robbed just moments before our arrival. Had Little One eaten more quickly, we might have been at the bank trying to deposit a rather large check at the same time someone else was attempting to make an extremely unorthodox withdrawal. A chill descended over my body as I realized that my daughter and I could have been in a situation of great danger. There have been many robberies here in Florida as of late, and more than a few of them have ended with a victim being killed for no reason other than the cold heartedness of the perpetrator. As a parent, I don't want to be in ANY situation where it's even marginally likely that my daughter will be hurt.

As we were driving to North Miami to conduct our business at a different bank (with me saying a silent prayer along the way that whoever robbed the aforementioned bank was not planning a spree) I wondered if any divine power had a hand in keeping us away from the scene of this crime. Was it just luck? I do believe that sometimes our guardian spirits, angels and G-d intervene in our lives for the purpose of saving our asses. I don't know and will never know if that was the case for us today (moms with small children make for great hostages if a situation goes south). What I do know is this: as we were pulling away from the bank where the robbery took place, I thanked my little girl for taking her time eating lunch today. She smiled at me sweetly and answered, "You're welcome."

Happy New Year

Well, 2008 has arrived and a new year has begun, full of the usual firm resolutions and hopes of success. I refuse to committ to resolutions but hope, as always, to live one day better than the day which came before. I suppose that in itself forms some sort of fabric of resolution; I do hope to be resolved to create more, to worry less (fat chance, I suppose), to be more celebratory of my spiritual path, to be more organized so that I can fit more activity into each day. Then, there are the usual hopes and aspirations: to be a wonderfully attentive and wise mother and a patient, humor filled, loving and committed wife (is the word "committed" such a great choice when used before the word "wife"? It makes me think of sanitariums...). Carry on into 2008....carry on...