Happy New Year to All

Tonight we are going to the annual party of a close friend to celebrate the coming in of 2009. While I'm happy and appreciative that we have someplace to go and good people to celebrate with, I must confess that, at this point, I'm pretty much over the holiday festivities. After our Hanukkah/Christmas celebrations, I'm ready to pack away the decorations and get back to regular life. Regular life is busy enough!!!! Yesterday I spent the hours doing laundry and completing other tasks that were necessary after being away for six days. I'm thankful that N's sister did a load of laundry for us while we were in N.O., because even with that having been done I had tons to do after we got home. That's not unusual for us, however; I do laundry just about every day! I hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year's Eve celebration tonight, whatever you do.

Just Back from New Orleans

My family and I just flew back in from New Orleans yesterday evening; we had a great time with the family but I think we all are a little bit glad to be home. We had a chance this trip to visit with everyone and even spend a whole day in New Orleans (my husband's family lives in Lafayette so that's where the majority of our time in Louisiana is spent) with his sister and niece. It was great to be back in a city that I call my second home, to be sipping coffee and munching on bignets at the Cafe Du Monde and riding the trolley down St. Charles. I have made my own bignets at home in a lame attempt to duplicate this experience, but they don't taste the same when one is eating them anyplace except the Crescent City. The flight into Louis Armstrong was a bit rocky at the end. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but it seemed like our descent was very quick and very sudden, followed by a very rapid throttling of the aircraft back upward. After everyone on board had recovered from shock somewhat, a flight attendant came on the speaker and announced that we'd experienced a "missed approach" and would be circling back around to try landing again. Needless to say, we were very happy, excstatic even, to be on the ground when finally the pilot's attempt was successful. Phew!!!

My daughter enjoyed hanging out with her aunt (my husband's sister) and cousins as well as with her grandparents. My mother in law has taken ill and we were glad to have the opportunity to spend some time with her; as well, we were grateful for the time our daughter was able to spend with her. I wish that our little one was able to see them more often. My grandparents were all very influential in my life; their homes were second homes for me since they lived close by. The world has changed a lot in the past twenty or so years; lots of people don't reside close to their families anymore. It's kind of sad because the unity of the larger family suffers a bit for the distance. That said, while I miss New England, I don't miss those long Massachusetts winters! Brrr.... It was cold enough in Louisiana the last day that we were there, and I think the temperature was in the 50's! So wimpy I am nowadays.

Soooo, now it's time to get back into the swing of things again. I have some things I need to do today, such as pick up payroll from last week. I am looking forward to making a good, healthy dinner tonight (our stomachs are a bit shaken up by all of the rich foods we've eaten over the past week, such as crawfish etouffee-so yummy) and hope I will be able to take a ride over to Whole Foods Market later (or this morning, depending upon how quickly I'm able to get out of here). The selection they have for vegetarian dishes is out of this world and I think that after several days of strange food overload we could all use an easy on the belly vegetarian meal. Also, I feel fat as a hog after not working out last week, working out sporadically over the two weeks before that, and eating lots of high calorie foods that I normally would not consume. I'm anxious to get back into a healthy routine again.

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Hollywood Rant

I so wish I could move away from here with my family-away from Hollywood, away from South Florida, maybe even away from Florida in general. It's probably not good that I'm in this frame of mind right now, since we're trying to buy a house here, but I've felt this way for a long time. I just try to make the best of wherever I am and since we can't leave due to my husband's business being established here (and I'm grateful that we're doing well at the moment) I try to find the best of where we are, rather than always looking at the worst. Yesterday morning it was difficult for me to deny the reality of our violent world, however. My husband received a phone call in the early morning hours from a friend who he drives to work, advising him to come from a different direction when traveling to his house. It turned out that a 36 year old man was shot to death during a robbery at the Hess gas station. Our friend lives near the Hess located on US 1, where this horrible crime took place and yesterday morning it was an area best avoided due to the activity that was going on there. I was saddened to hear about this incident, partly because I'm human, partly because I used to work at such a gas station and so understand the vulnerability of the clerks employed at such establishments, partly because these sorts of offenses are so senseless. There is absolutely no need to shoot someone, to kill someone, because you want to break the law. The people robbing this gas station could have worn masks; they could have gone in, taken the money, and left without hurting anyone. It's not like the surveillance camera didn't get a good picture of them-hello!!!! Leaving the clerk alive would not have lessened the chances of them getting caught; the video camera tells the tale. I understand that we live in difficult times. People are losing jobs or having hours cut back, prices at the grocery store seem to climb higher with each visit, most of us live with some fear of what the coming year will bring economically. The sad truth, however, is that most of these violent crimes are perpetuated by people looking for money for drugs. That said, South Florida is a hotbed for drug activity; I've had the pleasure of being offered crack cocaine for sale while riding my bicycle up 19th Avenue (I'm being deeply sarcastic in my use of the word "pleasure" here). Where I grew up, this would never happen. Hell, you can't even buy alcohol in the town where I grew up.

I understand that crimes, violent and otherwise, happen all over the country. It just seems that we have more than our share of it here in South Florida. This state has become a dumping ground for child molestors, drug dealers, perverts of every shade, transients and on and on into the night. A sex offender search in my immediate area alone turned up HUNDREDS of people. When I conducted the same online search in my hometown, I turned up 0. A search in the neighboring town revealed a few, but nowhere near the staggering number of offenders who live here. For those who feel that just moving northward in Florida will help the situation, the crime is just as bad in Palm Beach County, in part due to gangs running rampant in that area (a former boyfriend of mine and I actually had a gun pulled on us during a traffic altercation-thankfully the light changed and the people in the car drove away without shooting us), and a sex offender search for Boca Raton, which tends to be known as a more upscale city, revealed that even there many such offenders find haven.

Seeing as how it isn't possible for us to pull up roots and blow out of Dodge, I'm thinking that maybe I should invest in a good can of bear repellant, the kind of stuff that will knock a grizzly off his feet. As long as I'm not accosted by someone supercharged on PCP, that should help to protect my daughter and me. Ain't South Florida grand? They call this heaven.

Sunday Night After Camelot Days

After much cajoling, I finally convinced Hubby that it would be fun to go to Camelot Days at the local park. I have a thing for anything medieval/Renaissance and thought it would be a fun activity for our little one. Sundays are usually reserved (by N, anyway) for football, and while I have no problem with that, we didn't get to hang on Saturday due to Hubby's work schedule (damned knocking pipes!!!!). So, at around 3pm we loaded into the car and drove to the festival. The weather today was glorious-windy, cool and sunny. It was a perfect day for being outside taking in the local jousters, fairies, knights and such. While the food was-well-kind of yucky (setting aside the huge cookie we all shared, which was absolutely yummy), we had fun walking around, checking out the sword shop (I was unable to convince N that a Celtic handled sword would be a great asset to our house), the clothiers, the belly dancing show. I was completely enthralled with the bellydancing show; all of the women were AMAZING. I left the park thinking that it might be a lot of fun to take a class (they have a bellydancing class locally, at The Goddess Store) if I could convince one of my girlfriends to take it with me. I wouldn't feel so awkward if I did it with someone else, you know??? I might check out the store and find out when and if they are offering sessions in the near future; I think it would be great fun and might even be helpful (for the next time I need to convince N that I need a sword-just kidding). Anyway, off to watch Barack Obama and family on 60 Minutes! I hope you all had a fun weekend.

Park Day

I had the best of intentions with regard to going to the gym this morning, but the early hours just got away from me too fast. Hubby isn't feeling so hot this morning, we both were moving more slowly than usual (I had some trouble getting out of bed this morning-Hubster hogged the blankets last night but put the fan .. turning in, and I was cold in between stealing the covers back!), and before we knew it 8AM had crept upon us and he was rushing out the door. I don't like to rush my daughter around just because I'm behind, so I figured that I'll stick to my Friday morning gym ritual and then go on Saturday morning again. I actually enjoyed going to the gym last Saturday morning; it motivates me to get out of bed and then I feel great for the rest of the day. This weekend is Camelot Days at T.Y. Park and I'm going to try as hard as I can to convince N that we should go. We had a great time last year when we went and, even if N doesn't want to attend, I might take my little one and go anyway. It's difficult for me to resist any even with a medieval theme, and my little one will love all of the costumes and craziness.

Today is our park day with the homeschool group. I feared a rainout when I first awoke, but the sun is now making a valiant effort to smile brightly upon us. Even if the skies drizzle a bit here and there, it looks like we might be allowed some quality playtime. We meet at around 12pm, and I plan on bringing a picnic lunch with us, possibly from a nearby kosher restaurant that has killer sandwiches. Though, after spending a ridiculous amount of money at the supermarket yesterday (the cost of groceries has spiraled out of control) I have to admit that I'm reluctant to spend any extra money today; we might end up with tuna sandwiches from home!!! Still, that falafel from Levy's is calling out to me......argh!!! Whatever we eat, we should have a fun day. I like that my little one gets to run around with the same kids each week and I'm learning more about homeschooling from the other parents in the group and socializing a bit as well.

Happy Wednesday!!!!

Some Dry Eyed Rambling

It's getting late, my eyes are tired and dry after about an hour of playing with my profile page (no kidding, it took me about an hour to get it the way I want it) but I figured that since I was here anyway I might as well say hello. And good night, but I'll leave the good night for later.

We had a great weekend. Hubby worked on Saturday but I got up early, hit the gym, then came home and made a dreamcatcher for my little one. She has been having nightmares and I thought it might help. It was lots of fun putting it together; I bought two small grapevine wreathes, some crystal beads (I picked out green, Little One picked out amethyst), yellow/white ribbon, feathers, and six silver metal stars (three for each wreath-on Sunday I made one for my hubby's and my room as well- in keeping with the tradition of the number three being sacred in Celtic tradition). Then, we supercharged her dreamcatcher with some words of blessing and hung it in her room in front of the window. It's located as close to her bed as possible but is also in the window to catch the first rays of the sun as they stream through the blinds. So far, so good. I hung ours on Sunday, as my husband looked at me with raised eyebrow (such a skeptic, he). After the dreamcatcher festivities we met some friends for lunch at a nearby deli where my mind was stimulated by some much appreciated adult conversation. My husband joined me later at the home of a couple we know (I'll call them R and W here), where we ate steak and salad. Though I'd previously been doubtful about R's claim that eating meat without a starch helps food digest more easily, I have to say that this was the first time I'd eaten a steak without feeling heavy afterward. I think that his theory bears more investigation; I ate a baked potato with chicken for dinner tonight and felt positively stuffed afterward, although the sour cream, butter and bacon bits might have contributed to that condition. So much for going to the gym this morning. Sigh.

As far as our adventures into possible home ownership, no word yet as to whether or not we're going to get the dreamhome we've been hoping to move into toward the end of this year. Three or so weeks ago the realtor told my husband that the bank had accepted our offer. When N called him this afternoon to ask him some questions, he advised that he hadn't actually received the acceptance of our offer in paper form yet. Whaaa???? Either it was accepted, or it was not accepted, or it was not accepted yet. I'm hoping for the first, fearing the second and thinking that the last is probably the most likely answer. Maybe they told the realtor that our offer looked good and just haven't gotten around to completing the paperwork, or maybe they haven't made a final decision yet. This whole ordeal has been stressful as hell; I'm looking forward to the day we are able to move into a home we love and I can begin planning gardens and painting walls. The sweat and toil of cleaning, digging and decorating (all of which I love-well, not the cleaning so much) is nothing next to the anguish of not knowing. Already I feel uprooted and I've yet to pack a box.

Well, for a tired gal I sure did let forth a sea of words! Time to go to bed and let our dreamcatcher work its magic

Almost the Weekend, and Some Light at the End of the Tunnel?

Without getting into any sort of political discourse, I will say that I am happy with the results of this year's Presidential election. For the first time in a very long time, I feel a true sense of hope that this country might be pulled out of it's currently wretched financial state at some point in the near future. Of course, the change will come slowly, but the fact that change is in sight at all is a positive thing. At least in my eyes.

On another note, our house hunting might soon be over. It's still too soon to say for sure, but we are hopeful that the loan is going to go through and that, come the end of November, we will be closing on a new house. I feel pretty good about contacting our current landlady to let her know that we are going to be moving out, though I'm still a bit nervous about doing so. Those sorts of discourses are never pleasant, and with things being what they are in the world I hate to tell someone we're about to remove a source of income from their pockets. I feel we've been great tenants-we have never been the sort to complain about anything and always pay our rent on time- and I want to be sure we give her ample time to find someone else to move in. I lit our house candle again last night and had a good feeling when I snuffed it out that this whole issue is about to conclude and that we should have an answer soon as to whether or not we will be putting our Yule tree up in a new home. It will be nice to know one way or the other, so that we can begin preparations to move (never fun, but in this case it will be exciting).

My day today started with coffee with N, then a phone call from a good friend (I love you W!!!); hopefully it will continue to proceed forward in as nice a way as it began! Happy Friday, everyone!

WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!!!

This is just sick-it's scary what is happening in our country with our food industry. It seems like when it comes to what we eat, the government is more interested in making money than keeping us safe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUB79WJ9ktQ

Sleepy but Thoughtful

Why am I still up and on the computer at, let's see, 11:38 p.m.??? Wellllll, it's about the only time I can spend screwing around online these days; I finally admitted to myself that daytime blogging/surfing is, for the most part, an impossible inturruption to the normal routine. I have too many other things going on to justify the time spent on the computer, unless it's on stuff pertaining to the enhancement of said "normal routine". Plus, I just watched an hour of Paranormal State and found myself thoroughly creeped out and unable to drift right off to sleep. Tonight's show was about demonic possession, a subject I find to be quite terrifying in spite of the fact that I am, in most cases, immediately skeptical when someone claims to be possessed by an entity of the demonic variety. That said, I am also open minded and believe that people can be possessed by entities; I just think that our own personal spiritual beliefs can color such experiences (have you ever noticed that most people who are possessed by demons seem to be Catholic or of some other belief system which places an ephasis on the devil??? You hardly, if ever, see a Jew or a Buddhist or a Pagan in this position, at least, on television and in popular literature.). While I do believe that negative entities exist (I believe that I have encountered one or two in my lifetime thus far) I am unclear as to what they are. When I was in the early stages of adulthood and living in my grandparents' house, I would often feel a presence in my bedroom there; I never saw anything, but I would suddenly feel as though I was not alone and that something or someone of a malevolent disposition was in the room with me. Many, many nights I spent tucked into bed with a book, trying to read until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. To this day, I do not know what I was experiencing in that room. My Grandparents were the only people to own the house and I don't think anyone else ever felt anything there. I never mentioned my experiences to anyone in my family; I understood how crazy it would have sounded. Indeed, even today I know that to some people it still sounds crazy, and maybe it was all just a result of some inner turmoil that was going on or something. It felt very real at the time, though. The feeling that would wash over me some nights can only be described as a sort of terror. Years later, my Grandfather passed away in that room after a brief but serious illness. I haven't had occasion to enter it much since that day.

Today, I understand the importance of blessing a home either before moving in or as soon as possible directly afterward. One need not complete an elaborate ritual, though what sort of ritual you choose is dependent upon which religious/spiritual path you follow. For me, a simple ritual with a white candle, some salt water and a spoken blessing did the trick. Because I spoke this blessing in every single corner of every single room in our house (I waited until a few months after we moved in to do this, after I'd realized the house needed some protection) the whole process proved to be time consuming, but I felt better afterward and our place felt a bit "lighter". I highly recommend that prior to moving into any new domicile, you either bless it or have it blessed. It can't hurt, and it's a nice way to start fresh in a new home.

Okay, I think I feel better now. I'm heading off to bed. 5 AM comes very early in these parts!!!!

House Hunting

We looked at another house yesterday, this time in Fort Lauderdale, and I have to say that just when my interest in this whole house hunting thing was beginning to wane (due to not being able to find ANYTHING that looked appealing and was within our price range) we found a cute home. The house is surrounded by bushes for privacy, is landscaped a little bit (lots of potential for some nice gardens), is located on a corner lot, and boasts a swimming pool. All of the rooms look out over the pool, and overall the house appears to be very sunny inside, which I like. The realtor is going to show us the place tomorrow night. We also found another house online, this one in Coconut Creek, which sits by the Hillsboro Inlet on a big lot. It's an A-frame house, which gives it a bit of a different look from most of the places we've been looking at, and from the picture online it appears that two large trees shade the front of the house. I love trees and have been praying that we would find a home with lots of them in residence. If we ever get motivated to leave our current abode, (we were out very late last night watching the fight at the home of a couple who are friends of ours-the fight on cable television, of course) we are going to check out the Coconut Creek house and see if it's a possibility. Sometimes houses look fabulous online but we arrive at the scene to find a place riddled with termites, or completely trashed by the former inhabitants, or stripped bare of any and all appliances (which means more cost to us when we move in to replace everything), or we find the house is located in a location that isn't good for us. I will keep my fingers crossed and pray that the Goddess will shine Her beautiful face our way with respect to this latest venture. I know that if we continue to put forth the effort, eventually we will find a nice house that we can afford. I'm just so damned impatient!!!!

Moving Forward in the Homeschooling Adventure

So, I found a really great group of homeschool families here in South Florida, in our general area (hooray!!!! I was beginning to think that all of the good groups that weren't super denominational were in Miami). We attended our first meetup on Wednesday at a park about 45 minutes from our house. I didn't mind the drive; it was actually kind of nice to be out of our usual zone of living. The park was awesome, with a huge area for the kids to play in, completely fenced in. The wind (and there was a strong wind blowing on Wednesday) kept things cool and I packed a lunch so that when Little One finally gave in to hunger she had good stuff to munch on. My Little One hates it when she has to stop playing and will go to great lengths to try to convince me that she isn't hungry, doesn't need to use the bathroom, etc. etc. etc. The group meets every week at a park (not always the one we met at on Wednesday; some are closer to our house) so my daughter will have a chance to socialize with the same kids (give or take a few) each week and have the opportunity to create some friendships, which will be good for her. I was relieved to find out that the group is full of down to earth, friendly people. I've been really searching for a group like this and it will be nice to have other people to share the homeschool journey with, especially since I'm new to the scene and not exactly sure what I'm doing!!!!!

Endorphins Alive!!!

We had a great weekend. N's parents drove down from Louisiana on Friday and visited with us all weekend; they left early this morning. Sunday was my little one's fourth birthday (how did THAT arrive so quickly) so on Saturday while she was visiting with her much enamored Grandparents, N and I went and picked up her new bicycle. We selected a metallic purple Barbie number with a pink backpack, very chic with the pre-school crowd, I hear. By the time we returned to the hotel, N's parents were quite tired and ready for us to be there, I think. They both seem younger than their years but the fact is that they are both in the early years of 80, and having an energetic-beyond belief four year old who is excited because it's her birthday and her Grandparents are around, can be exhausting! Little One loved her bike!!!!! I'm glad that I had the video camera poised for action when she opened the door (I snuck into the house first and waited for her to come in). Her little face reflected surprise first, then a grin slowly spread from ear to ear and she was all over that bike like ticks on a dog. The next several minutes were spent riding up and down the street, with me trailing behind, video camera in hand, trying to capture her first biking experience for posterity. I'm glad her Grandma and Grandpa were here to share in the moment. It was a good day, indeed.

This morning, just when I was about to talk myself out of going to the gym, I read the blog of a fellow blogger (thank you, Ellen!!!) and was inspired to get my butt out the door. I love going to the gym once I get there, but getting out the door on time can be dicey at times; I need to implement some serious schedule changes for myself (ie, waiting until night time or the afternoon to enter the domain of the internet, into which I can easily disappear for an hour at a time). Arming myself with a Johnny Cash CD and a water bottle, I hit the treadmill, ran for two miles, and felt great afterward. Add to that some work on the weights and I left the gym feeling energized and happy that I'd gone; had I not, I would have spent the day lamenting about the fact that I didn't work out after eating cake and all sorts of other evil foods over the weekend. I hate that after a woman hits the age of 36 she can't eat to her heart's content anymore, without serious repercussions. Nowadays my normal lifestyle has to include more healthy eating, working out, stretching, following creative endeavors and being spiritually centered. It's a good plan but some days more difficult to follow than others. I am also home pre-schooling my daughter-not too hard at this stage, but since I'm setting the groundwork for probable future homeschooling I have lots to learn and am spending quite a bit of time learning about what I need to do to raise a healthy and happy child, beyond the common sense stuff. It's a good Monday today!!!

e

Balance, anyone????

Today has been an incredibly unbalanced day for me. I woke up late after not sleeping well, felt like I was behind the usual routine all day long (and when you have a small child, the "usual routine" is very important), felt like an awful Mom for being behind in our routine, wanted to cry off an on for the duration of the time since I got out of bed this morning. You get the gist. On a positive note, I added some items to my seasonal altar and am happy with the results. My little one came in later and placed some silk fall leaves (we don't have changing leaves here so we have to improvise) all over it and it looks truly fall festive. Plus, the candles smell wonderful and remind me that the Goddess is always close by, even on a bad day.

Sniffle

I've been battling a cold for a few days but it seems to be on it's way out. I am tired today, though, feeling very sleepy; a combination of the Nyquil that I took last night and my body trying to get rid of the current invaders. Everyone here in South Florida seems to be sick right now so apparently there is something nasty making the rounds. We tend to get every bug known to man down here because there are so many people visiting all the time. In spite of not getting a great night of sleep (you know it's bad when you take Nyquil and still don't sleep well!!!) due to our daughter crashing our bed and the neighbors deciding to crank up party music at 10pm (I was too tired and out of it by then to go over and complain) I still managed to do some school work with Little One and make applesauce cake with her in honor of the new fall season. We even made our own applesauce from scratch!!!! It smells so good in our house right now; the air is filled with the scent of apples, cinnamon and cloves. Yummy!!! I can't wait to go taste the cake!

A Walk Through the Past

At around 8:30pm last night we received a frantic telephone call from the girlfriend of a friend of ours. Apparently, the motel they live at was visited by the local police due to a complaint of someone throwing rocks at windows there. Everyone was required to produce identification; our friend's ID lead to a discovery of an outstanding warrant, which lead to him being hauled away to jail (again). Feeling bad because I know this guy is truly trying to get his life together at this point, I searched online trying to find out what the charges are and where he is being held, to no avail. Possibly he wasn't in the system yet; I will try to locate him today although by now his girlfriend might know what's going on.

Although my online search did not yield any information with regard to the arrest of the above mentioned person, it did lead me to the discovery of another person, a man I dated very briefly several years ago. A guy I broke up with because he had too many problems for me to deal with at that piont in my life. I'd punched his name into the computer out of curiousity; I wondered if he'd managed to stay out of trouble for awhile. Suddenly, there he was, listed as in inmate in a central Florida jail, probation revoked for some sort of offense committed. The picture was shocking-sunken cheeks, vacant eyes, lined face betraying years of self abuse. Someone else might have scoffed in self righteous glory, "Look at that stupid drug addict" or something like that. We all tend to pass judgement based upon appearances, no matter how much we don't care to admit to doing so. The thing is, I knew this guy once. I'd actually managed to crack the veneer briefly; I recall his eyes lighting up only once, when he told me the stories of his former days in the rodeo. These were the days before crack cocaine became his lover, his friend, his partner in crime. Before it robbed him of any hope at a normal or truly enjoyable life. I liked the guy beneath the surface; behind the machismo he was really just a vulnerable, lost soul. Unfortunately, the personality in command of this soul was now a violent, angry being, prone to sudden outbursts and vicious attacks. He once left five messages on my answering machine, each one increasingly nastier, because he called while I was out and was not there to answer his calls. He was extremely jealous, controlling and distrustful. In the days when I was just a friend of his, hanging out with his motorcycle club buddies, I witnessed (albeit from outside the bar-the guys inside the bar told me the story) him beat up a guy for dancing with his ex-girlfriend, to the point where the man had to be hospitalized. I'm truly not sure why I ever even considered dating this guy. In my life today, this is someone with whom I would never even socialize; I hate violence, and I stay away from the things that invite craziness and tragedy into my life-drugs, alcohol, denial of the serious issues that arise as the road of life dips and rises and winds. At that point in my life, I was vulnerable, having just broken off a five year relationship with a man who was a bit crazy but basically good hearted and sober, a guy who'd I'd gotten to know heart and soul in a very deep way. I was in pain, lonely, willing to accept this guy with all of his problems because I knew the other side of his personality, the side that was fun and caring. I suppose that his woundedness attracted me as well; I thought I could help him. I thought there was some hope of recovery. My moment of clarity began at around 1am one night. I'd been asleep for a couple of hours when the telephone rang. I'd gone to bed that night with a feeling that something was deeply wrong but I couldn't pinpoint what it was and tried to dismiss the thought. I was drawn out of my stupor by the sound of G's voice, telling me he was in jail, having been arrested for a DUI. The next day revealed the whole story: he'd gotten drunk at a bar with some coworkers, attempted to drive home, and crashed into an older couple, putting at least one of them in the hospital. I was shocked and angered by the fact that he didn't seem to care that he'd hurt someone. His main concern was getting out of jail, and he insisted that I call down a whole list of phone numbers he'd provided me with earlier (I can't remember why) until I found someone who would help post his bond. Thankfully, I had neither the means nor the collateral to get him out myself and further embroil myself in the chaos that was his life. Apparently, all of his friends had tired of his insanity as well; even his motorcyle club buddies refused to provide me with any help. Finally, I reached his sister's husband, who accompanied me to the office of the bailbondsman, posted the bond, and took the long ride with me across Alligator Alley to the county where the jail was located. On the way there we talked and he asked me why a "nice girl like me" would get messed up with someone like his brother in law. He suggested that I run as soon as possible, and as fast as I could, away from the relationship.

My moment of clarity arrived at the jail later that night. As a sensitive, I could feel the anger, the sadness, the despair in that place. Just sitting in the waiting area sucked the life out of me. I watched as women arrived with children to visit Daddies who had been locked away; I tried to imagine the trauma a child must go through seeing a parent in that situation. The sight of a baby stroller in jail waiting room was almost horrific to me; it touched me in a visceral way. Suddenly, I was struck with the certainty that if I stayed with this guy I would one day be one of those women, visiting G in some prison or jail, child in my arms or by my side, wondering how the hell I got myself into such a dysfunctional situation. I said a silent "no f***ing way" and, though I felt a bit sorry for G, vowed that this would never happen to me. A couple of weeks later the relationship was over, and the second breakup (I'd broken the relationship off previously but returned due to promises of a serious attempt at recovery and professions of some sort of love) took. I was aware through mutual acquaintances that G's life didn't improve after our breakup. He lived for awhile in a bus in someone's backyard. Eventually he moved back to his hometown in Central Florida and that was the last news I heard until last night when I found his picture and information online.

Wow. The emotions of sadness and gratitude hit me like a tidal wave. I hope that one day this guy will "get it". I don't believe that hopelessness exists where there is still life and consciousness; every addict/alcoholic has the same possibility of recovery if he/she wants it. That's the key. A person has to want it. I don't know if G does; I know he did once, in some way, but the monster was too great for him to fight off by himself, and he always tried to put up the fight alone, even when he was in a program of recovery. Time will tell.

Entering the Season of Fall and Trying to Find Balance

Little One and I have been back home now for a couple of weeks. We had a wonderful time up north; although I was horribly sick for the whole first week I was there we did a lot with my Mom and enjoyed the time we spent together. I have a bad feeling that it will be a long while before we are able to visit again, and that makes me sad but I'm grateful that we had such a great time and cherished every moment.

Shortly after we got back to Florida, N and I went back to check out a house we'd been looking at. I had mixed feelings about buying it; many friends advised that it was a great deal, but I'd experienced a very "heavy" feeling in one of the bedrooms and an reading I did later revealed some points that gave me pause. In the end, we decided against the purchase. During that final visit, another man showed up wanting to look at the house. As he walked around the grounds with us he pointed out the same problems that had concerned us. Just having someone else there helped N and me to gain some better perspective. The whole place seems to have been infested with termites, which are probably still there and the back rooms (which we had been unable to access previously) were not set up in such a way that we could work with. Too much work needed to be done, and it just didn't seem worth it. I feel relieved. The negative feelings I'd experienced during that first trip inside the house had troubled me. I'd rather buy a home that N and I both feel good about, and not one that needs to be completely renovated before we can get settled in.

On another note, I put up our fall decorations yesterday. If we can't enjoy the brightly colored leaves of my native Northeast and aren't experiencing the slight chill in the air that this season brings to those who don't live in subtropical climates, at least we can feel a bit of the season in the comfort of our home!

Shippin' Up to Boston

My little one and I are flying up to Boston tomorrow morning to visit with family and just enjoy the vibes of home for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I won't be online blogging and will miss everyone in my absence. I'm looking forward to the trip but I will miss N and my animals down here. Last year he met us up north for a few days but this year, due to his work being very busy and the events of this past week, he can't make it up. I'm not sure how the two weeks will play out as I have no real game plan, but that my usual m.o. and usually things work out.

On another good note, our friend who was in the truck wreck is doing well, and it turned out that N has gap insurance which will cover the money not given back to him by the insurance company. A friend of ours is selling a truck so this all might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. N will be rid of a truck payment and will owe his friend less than half of what he still had to pay off on his wrecked truck.

Have a blessed two weeks, everyone!!!! I'm off to my beloved Boston!!!!

Halloooooo Faye!!!!

I thought I would post a quick blog tonight, since there is a real possibility that tomorrow our power will be out (though I hope not). Tropical Storm Faye is already notifying us of her presence. We are right now experiencing bands of rain which begin softly and graduate to downpours. Later tonight we are expected to receive LOTS of rain, along with heavy winds. I sincerely hope that the earlier part of the day is not a portent to things to come. One of N's guys wrecked his truck in the earlier part of the day today; a wreck on the highway in which, thankfully, no one was hurt except for the truck. The truck is damaged on all sides; someone who was driving a bit too fast for the road conditions apparently lost control of his own truck and slammed into E, who, in turn, slammed into a wall and spun around. It seems that every side of the truck is now decorated with dents and scrapes and it had to be towed away. Fortunately, the guy at fault has insurance, the claim has already been filed (after a few telephone calls and much repeating of information by my husband), and the wheels have been set into motion (no pun intended). We are keeping our proverbial fingers crossed that the truck won't be totaled and that this whole mess can be sorted out quickly. N is driving a rental Dodge Avenger at the moment; we drove through the rain to pick it up so he will at least have a vehicle. (Abundant sighs....) So, now we're hunkered down for the night (well, N drove over to Home Depot to buy some gas for our stove in case the power goes down in the night) and I'm going to cook some hot dogs and mac and cheese, give Little One a bath, and snuggle down as far into the covers as I can.

Make Love Not War

Most of of us have probably heard the saying, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I certainly have found this question to be necessary in my life quite often over the past few years; I think that anyone involved in any sort of close relationship can gain a measure of perspective from it. I became upset over a perceived injustice last night. N and I each have two nights when we go out on our own for an hour or so. I treasure that time because it provides me with an opportunity to refresh and to replenish my energy. Most days I feel like I spend lots and lots of time trying to make other people happy (as many of us do) with little time left over for my own pursuits. Such is the nature of being a parent and a spouse and most days I'm really okay with it (I waited a long time to be blessed with a family). Still, those two days help me to stay centered and calm and not so crazy. Last night N announced that he will be playing paddleball with the boys on Thursday night, one of my nights. While he offered to bring Little One down to the beach with him, this is not really a solution for me. The beach is crowded at night, there are lots of strange people wandering around down there, and I won't be able to focus on anything I'm doing if I'm worried about where my daughter is and what she's doing. Of course, he would have someone watching her, but who I don't know. I don't even know if he's figured the whole scenario out yet. Besides that, we've been talking about trying to get her on more of a routine and keeping her out late on a Thursday is not going to help in that cause. At any rate, I was upset; why can't I just have that night, like I have for a long time now, to go out and not have to worry about anything? I felt hurt and angry. Once I began to think about the situation, though, to reframe a bit, I calmed (of course, this took me the entire night). Looking at my little girl this morning, sleeping soundly beside us (she awoke at 6AM and wandered into our room-it's almost a ritual these days), I thought about how some day she will be grown and I will look back on the time I spent with her as a child and wish for that time back. I thought about how much I enjoy having her with me during the day, how she takes mundane errands and turns them into joyful adventures. I thought about the impermanence of everything in life. I thought about how precious energy should not be wasted on anger and resentment that I have no desire in nursing anyway. This morning, peering over my coffee cup at the man with whom I share my life, I felt a sense of love and peace.

Update

We checked out the house yesterday, and the amount of work that would need to be done to this place in order to create a halfway pleasant living environment is daunting. Give me a New England farmhouse over most of what I see down here any day. I'm a feeling a bit depressed by this whole house hunting venture.

On another note, I'm feeling overwhelmed in general. I have tons to do today; I awoke bleary eyed and tired this morning to a notepad full of urgent tasks to be completed. I am looking forward to running to the refuge of New England for a couple of weeks; I need some down time with my family up north (although trips like this present their own measure of stress). My dream is to open a small gallery where I and local artists could show their work, be it painting, sculpture, jewelry. Not having enough time to paint lately, I've been putting together a bit of my own jewelry and enjoy it quite a lot, so maybe I've hit on a new creative avenue. At least it provides me with some sort of outlet to the insanity that is my life most days (not that I mind the insanity most days-I still need an outlet, though!). Ah, a little art gallery in the heart of New England; tis a nice dream....

The Search for a House Continues

We are going to look at a house this afternoon, one which N and I checked out a couple of days ago from the outside but not the inside (we were not with the realtor). Yesterday, N stopped by the property and knocked on the door; the owner happened to be there, is eager to sell the place, and allowed him entry so he could have a better look. His impression was mixed. The house is located on a beautiful peice of land, with a canal behind it (which has ocean access much further down). There is also a park behind the house, which means that all of the beautiful trees currently shading the area will remain (unless a hurricane tears through the area and decimates everything). The house itself is in quite a state of disrepair. The owner has been allowing homeless people to camp out there, which means that we might have some problems once we move in as far as letting people know that the home is no longer open for vacancies. Additionally, there will be MAJOR cleaning to be done before we can even think about moving in there with our almost four year old. On top of that, there is a leak in the roof which will need to be fixed, and we would need to make sure the leak has not caused serious mold encroachment. The house will need to be thoroughly examined before we can sign any type of real deal, but I'm willing to take a look. The neighborhood is a very nice one, with houses selling in the near $300,000.00 range and if we fixed the house up it could be beautiful. I'm good with designing/decorating and N is in the construction business, so we have an advantage on those fronts. He told me that he would have to build on an addition for the house to really big large enough for us to live in, but the lot is huge and we can do things slowly, over time. The truth will be revealed at 4PM!!!!!

(Obviously, the picture above is not the house; I borrowed the image from a site called Wikimedia Commons!)

Monday Monday

I've taken a bunch of new pictures but have not yet been able to find the time to upload any of them into my computer. Since I don't feel like purusing the internet right now, I'll skip showing a picture today. My brain feels like overcooked scrambled eggs right now; I managed to more or less stick to a schedule of sorts today, which resulted in a good day for my little one and I. I made it to the gym, had a good workout, took Bebe to the library, and came home to do some work for N. About all I can think about is the pizza that is sitting on the table downstairs and how comfortable my bed is going to be. I hope to be in it in time to watch the first new episode of "Paranormal State"!!!! Anyway, today went well for a Monday and I have no complaints. Happy new week, everyone!!!

Tuesday

So, it doesn't look like N is interested in the house, and I can understand. With an almost four year old child and the crime rates being what they are (as in high) here in South Florida, it isn't a great idea to move into a questionable neighborhood. I don't mean any disrespect to the people who live there; it's not that bad, but it's probably not the place for us. Little One wasn't feeling well earlier but she seems to be better now. I did some work for N while she worked on a little workbook she has which I ordered online recently. It has all kinds of magical images in it and she had fun coloring and tracing over the letters and trying to write her own. As she grows she is beginning to understand more and more and I'm slowly introducing the idea of spirituality, albeit in a limited way. She doesn't really understand the concept of God/Goddess at this time. I can't remember how old I was when such things began to enter my mind. I do remember being extremely curious at a very young age, and being very sensitive. Happy Tuesday to all!

House Hunting

First of all, my bad for posting a photo on Saturday that was previously used. As I said, I'm a little pressed for time these days and sometimes I do things like that. Last week I purchased two identical pairs of pj's for my daughter and didn't have a clue until I'd arrived home and took the clothing out of the bag!!!!

On another note, we did some house hunting yesterday, just a little of our own research. We checked out the house above a few days ago, but the day was rainy and dark and the whole neighborhood looked much bleaker that day than it did when we looked again yesterday. This would definitely be a great first home; the only thing I'm not sure about is the price since it's listed in a couple of different places for different prices, the lowest price being with the realtor with whom my husband spoke. The neighborhood is so so; people around this area seem to keep their houses and the surrounding areas clean and everyone who passed by gave us a friendly "hello". Who knows???? We haven't spoken with the realtor about walking through the inside, but I was able to download some pictures online and it appears to be well kept and spacious. My husband and I walked around the property, fantasizing about all the sprucing up we could engage in. We should know soon exactly what the mortgage broker can offer us, then we will have a better idea with regard to what we can afford. In spite of the neighborhood where this house is located being iffy (there is an ugly industrial area nearby) I felt a good energy when I was there. I had a vision of us hanging out on the front porch and hanging up plants.

Putting solid roots down in South Florida is kind of scary for me; one more step in the direction of "I'm not moving back to Mass.". While I understand on an intellectual level that I probably will not be moving back home, my heart still holds out a bit of hope, I suppose. I miss my family so much; it's difficult being away from them. New England is a part of my soul, and there is still a spirit of longing within me for her piney woods and old architecture, for the marshy smell of the beach on the Cape. I have my little family here, though, and with the economy being shaky and my husband's company being here moving isn't a viable option. I'm happy where I am. Still, that spirit of longing has a life of it's own...

I hope that this new week finds all of you well!!!

Saturday

I haven't written in awhile, mainly due to a lack of time and a need to arrange my priorities. With an almost 4 year old and an artistic spirit, it's difficult to "fit it all in" in the space of twelve or so hours. Since I've never been a morning person, I'm going through an adjustment phase of learning how to be more functional in the hours of early sunlight. Also, I'm having to learn how to get into bed earlier, which has never been an easy feat for me. I love being up at night, but it's not practical anymore; my little one gets crazy if kept up too late and after she goes to bed I'm usually exhausted.

Hubby and I are in the early stages of trying to acquire a home. We have been paying rent for a long time, have tired of always wondering when the next move will be necessary, and would like to have a home base that is stable, for the sake of our daughter. I suppose we want the stability as well!!! We visited with a mortgage guy today and while things don't look as good as we'd hoped, they look reasonable good. We might have to come up with more of a down payment if we want to buy the type of home we'd like to purchase. This is both an exciting and scary time!

Find Jennifer Kesse

I saw a show on 48 Hours last night which troubled me. Maybe it's because I'm a Mom, or because I am a woman living in Florida, or because this girl is just so vibrant and beautiful. Probably it's all of those things. Please check out this link and maybe add it to your own site. This woman's parents and family are desperate to discover what happened to her and where she is, and whoever harmed her is still freely roaming the streets. Thanks.

http://jenniferkesse.com/

Small Miracles

Small miracles happen every day, if we're willing to accept that they happen, are open to them, and are willing to acknowledge them. A couple of days ago I ran into a woman who I've met a few times before but never talked with much. We entered into an interesting and wonderful conversation, and before we parted ways she lent me a book which she'd been carrying around in her car. It's a book about empowerment, about the magic of feminine energy. It was just what I needed to read this week. She became a reflection of the Goddess, this woman, and I'm so grateful for that for that. I've been asking to be connected to like souls lately. I've been in deep need of connection with good, honest people, and I've met at least two women who seem to fit this criteria over the past couple of months (although I'm not always the best about calling people back and so have trouble sometimes in nurturing relationships the way I'd like to-commitment issues???). It seems that our Higher Power finds us in those moments when we are open, when we are such great need to spiritual strength and guidance, when we are willing to shift our energies just a little bit and allow some room for letting go. Because I prayed and meditated this morning, because I followed some of the guidance found in some spiritual books I've recently read and am currently reading, I was able to talk on the telephone this morning with someone at a County office and stay calm and friendly. I imagined him not as some mean guy in control, but rather as a regular guy who goes home at night to a wife who loves him, maybe kids who love him, who has a few beers with the guys after work-that sort of thing. I thought of him as a regular person, like me, and as a result I was not defensive on the telephone and was able to have a nice conversation and find a reasonable means toward resolving a problem which yesterday I'd blown up in my mind to monstrous proportions.

And so, today, I breath a bit easier, and pray that this calm and peace will remain within my soul throughout the day...

Bad Attitude

I hate dealing with beaurocratic nonsense. Even more than that I detest dealing with the people who initiate beaurocratic nonsense. It has become increasingly difficult to do business in Miami these days. Barring an angry and obnoxious tirade, that's all I will say; I don't want to plumb the depths of my own rage for fear that ignorant and horrible things will spill forth onto the page. As human beings we do sometimes allow ignorance to get the better of us when our minds are consumed with some sort of problem which has lead us to a resentment.

John William Waterhouse is one of my favorite artists. His women are so sensual, his paintings so full of intensity. This particular painting caught my eye tonight because what I would like to do with a particular citation and a particular jerk associated with N is throw them into a big cauldron and swirl them around together for awhile. Fortunately, I do not believe in bad majic and do believe in the law of return. I also believe in karma. I've seen it in action, in my own life and in the lives of others, and it's a bitch sometimes. I do tire of the dishonesty and backstabbing which seems to be so prolific in South Florida. As well, I feel that protecting oneself is allowed and I encourage others to do so as I try to protect myself and my own family in appropriate ways.

On another note, I had a nice conversation with a woman a couple of days ago, someone who I've met before but never really talked with at great length. In the course of our conversation, she mentioned that she had a book in her car which had fallen off a shelf a few days earlier. She said that perhaps it was me who needed to read it, and she offered to let me borrow it. As I scanned the cover, I noticed it was decorated with a Goddess figure. I began reading it last night and it is a great book, probably just what I need to be reading at this point in time, when my inner strength is being called upon more than it has in quite some time. I'm at a point along the road where I need to be solid within myself, confident and independent, and definite about who I am and what I believe in. In the past month or so two different women have come into my life who follow the Old Ways to varying degrees. I marvel at how much I'm called back in that direction every time I stray away, and am reminded of what a cherished friend told me recently-that this way is not for everyone, but those who are called are called for a reason. And so, I turn again to spirit to quell my rage, to calm my spirit, and to once again become a rational person. Trust me when I say that this crazy Irish girl from Boston needs all the help she can get!

Wednesday

This picture was taken from my back "yard". Some days I feel truly blessed to live in a subtropical place! When I took the shot I didn't think the sunrise colors would show up so well but I guess digital can do amazing things. When I looked at the picture in my camera, I was happy to find that the mood of the morning was captured accurately.

I have been sleeping horribly every night since N has been away. I'm not sure why; maybe just the idea of him not being home and the anxiety that stirs up? Last night the dining room light went off and on all by itself, while the other lights downstairs stayed on. That spooked me, and when I didn't hear from N after that (he's been calling every night) I became worried. My Step Mom said that probably it was my Dad messing around with us, and I didn't feel any bad energy in the room, but I still felt spooked. I took some pictures in the upstairs hallway/stairway landing, but nothing showed up in the resulting shots and probably I'm just being paranoid. I'm planning a trip to the gym this morning, once I get my little one up and out the door and that should improve my mood, which is leaning toward grumpy today!

St. Francis Orbs

I love reading about paranormal activity and have had many experiences on my own, although I have never captured anything out of the ordinary on film. This picture was taken by a friend of ours at St. Francis Mission, which is a church but also a place where people go to find recovery from addiction. There are quite a few people who have entered this Mission seeking recovery; not all have made it and it would not be hard to believe that some of them could be hanging around in spirit form. Due to the transparency of the orbs, I tend to think they might simply be dust particles. Recently, I read that orbs tend to be more solid, rather than transparent or containing "faces". I don't know too much about this, though; I am still learning. At any rate, it's an interesting picture. I look forward to taking some of my own, maybe on a digital camera. Because I didn't capture this shot, I don't know if it was taken with a flash or what the light conditions in the room were.

Hooray!!!!

I just received the confirmation that N is flying back on Friday; he should be in sometime shortly after noontime (although these flights can take longer due to the need to stop in Customs). I am so happy that he is confirmed to come back, less happy that he has to fly on one of these little planes. I will be very happy when he is safely back on U.S. soil, although I'm not sure how "safe" of a place Miami these days. I say this laughing, but not altogether kiddingly. Last night we hung out with a girl friend of mine and now we're going the library. I've been keeping busy and things have been okay, but there's this little hole.....I do tend to believe that when we marry someone with whom we are deeply and truly in love, our souls join in some way, so that when one is away from the other there exists a feeling of something being missing. This doesn't mean that we can't exist and be happy while we're alone, for we create our own happiness or sadness. It just means that we feel more complete when our beloved is close again.

Shalom.

Sunday Morning

Little One and I had a very uneventful day yesterday, in spite of all my grand plans. Having experienced a fitful night of sleep on Friday night, I could not get up on time yesterday and found us still at home at 3pm, feeling at once completely unmotivated to travel anyplace and guilty for not getting us out. Today I think we will meet up with a girl friend of mine to peruse the local flea market and have some lunch.

Happy Father's Day to all of the fathers out there!!!! I have gifts and cards for my beloved, but he won't receive them until he returns home; we decided to wait so that he could enjoy them without feeling rushed. Since my own father died when I was twenty years old, I have conflicting feelings about the holiday. Even after all of the years that have passed, I find myself in tears at the greeting card display while searching for a card for my husband, although the sadness has dissipated quite a bit since I've married and had a child of my own. My husband is a fantastic father and a husband beyond my wildest dreams, and it's hard to be deeply grateful and deeply sad at the same time! Besides that, my father still comes to me once in awhile, to let me know he's around and watching out for me. At least once he's literally saved my life.

On a completely different note, I think my mind is slipping. Either I have too many thoughts simultaneously dancing around in my head at any given hour of the day, or I need to start performing some of those memory enhancing exercises!!! I believe the problem to be more the former, but a bit of mind exercise probably wouldn't hurt. This morning while typing at the computer, I noticed my wedding set was not on my finger. Panic!!!! Where are my rings??? Did they slip off somehow without my noticing while I was cleaning the breakfast dishes? A quick search of my little green jewelry box quelled the fear; there were my rings, safely nestled among the others I usually wear, yet I have no recollection of having removed them and placed them there. A few days ago I noticed that my claddaugh ring was missing, then realized I'd never put it on. I swore during my frantic search (the ring was given to me at the age of sixteen by a dear friend and has much emotional value) that I'd placed it on my finger, but obviously it had never found its way there that morning, since it too was located in the aforementioned jewelry box. Since my daughter is three years of age, I can't blame my memory lapses on "mommy brain"; they aren't hormone related. Perhaps, though, I need to become a tiny bit more focused on the tasks at hand and try to avoid thinking about twenty things at one time. This will be hard for my ADD challenged mind to do, but probably necessary for my continued sanity!

Feeling Pretty Calm Today

I really am feeling a sense of peace today (although that could melt away on Thursday, after N leaves-I'm such a wimp!!!). The sky is overcast, with just a small patch of blue peeking through a corner of my window. I like rainy days once in awhile; I think that perpetual sunshine is bad for the soul (not to mention my hair). A good friend lit a candle for me for strenght and it seems to have helped. I actually did not know she'd done it until after I started feeling better. When she advised that she'd done a little ritual to help me get through these minor rough patches in my current life I thought, "Oh, no wonder I suddenly started to feel better!!!" And it really was sudden; I woke up one morning recently feeling a sense of inner peace, with not as much of my separation anxiety screaming it's keening-like song in my head. That said, I am trying to get N a flight booked out of Haiti for when he gets the job finished. The company for whom he's working gave him an open ended ticket and I need the information with regard to that ticket in order to get him booked on a flight for next Friday, which is currently available but might not be in a day or so (the airplanes only have 16 or 18 seats on them, or something like that). In the meantime, I have tons of things to do today, culminating in soccer with Little One and possibly a date with my husband before Haiti Day. The latter activity depends, of course, on the babysitter coming to our rescue on short notice. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Peace to all and have a good Tuesday.

That Time Again

It seems like I was just raving about how happy I was that N had returned home, and now it's almost time for him to leave again. This time around, I'm sad but also grateful that we have this job going on. The economy is very scary. Prices are skyrocketing faster than the dollar amounts in paychecks. Foreclosures are rampant here in Florida; it seems like every few nights the evening news is broadcasting some type of story about people losing their homes. Criminals are becoming bolder, attacking people in parking lots during the daytime hours and robbing homes in broad daylight. Just a couple of days ago, here in Florida, a family had their (very large) boat taken from their driveway, while the daughter slept and the neighbors went about their business. This happened during the day, yet none of the neighbors took notice and the criminals got away easily. A close friend showed my husband a house in Fort Lauderdale yesterday; a nice house that is close to possibly being in our price range. We are going to look at this weekend, maybe. The idea of buying a home is frightening, though. How will finances be next year? Next week? Next month???? Will we get any new jobs that offer substantial money? Will I be able to homeschool my daughter, as I'd like to do, or will I have to find outside work? I'm considering some sort of home job doing something artistic, but the issue of time weighs heavy on me. I never seem to have the extra time to create for any length of time, and if people are struggling to pay their bills they aren't going to pay to buy artwork. Hope, faith, prayer, are important right now.

On a positive note, I'm getting ready for the Summer Solstice. My energy is good today and in spite of being a bit fearful of what the future might bring, I'm in a positive mood.

Ah, Love

My husband recently returned home from a trip to a far away place which he took for business. I was not happy about him leaving, and was even unhappier to actually experience him being away. In the four years of our marriage separation has been a rare event and I've been grateful for that. Normally N's work doesn't neccessitate him leaving town, without us or otherwise, but with the economy as slow as it is taking a job in Haiti seemed like a good move; hopefully it will be completed quickly and we can put this chapter of life behind us. I am thankful that he will only be gone for short intervals and not extended periods of time. I realized last week that I would make a horrible military wife!

When I mentioned being saddened by his absence I was suprised by some of the reactions I received. Some women responded with hoots that they would love to have their husbands leave town for awhile; they would enjoy the time alone. Other people commented on the need for independence, mistakenly thinking that I missed my husband because I somehow could not function without him here. The wonderful thing I realized in N's absence is that I did not miss him because I absolutely needed him here. I missed him for all of the little things that make up our life together: the smiles across the dinner table, the cuddles (etc...) at night, the way his cheeks dimple when he smiles, the deep vibration of his voice when he's holding me, hearing him stomp through the door at night in his workboots after a day of work. There's so much more than this, but I'll stop here as I can hear some of you gagging. Really, though, it's not dependence (or codependence) that made me a little depressed after a couple of days here without my partner. It was a deep sense of connection, a real, true love. A feeling of a huge part of me being missing; a peice of my soul being disconnected.

I'm not looking forward to N's next trip out (the travel arrangements are a bit shaky for my taste-too much uncertainty once he gets there as to how he will be getting home and when). I will be sad when he leaves and will probably count the days until his return. But, it's nice to have the realization of what a HUGE gift I've been given in my husband. Since I believe that G-d has a hand in everything and that most of the adversity we experience is his way of teaching us something that will help us to grow, I believe that this is part of what he needed to show me and to show us. We can go it alone when necessary, but it's a whole lot more fun to face life with our partner by our side, cheering us on.

So Many Lies Being Spread About Israel

Please take a minute to read this:

http://www.jewishworldreview.com/0508/nakba.php3?printer_friendly

Obama

Curious about Barrak Obama's stance on Israel, I began searching the internet for articles regarding this subject. I found different points of view, some pointing to him supporting Israel and American Jewry, and others showing him as an appealing candidate to terrorist groups who would like to see Israel destroyed. As a Jewish American woman, and a Democrat, this disturbs me greatly. I just read this peice http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2008/04/hamas_agrees_with_jews_who_wor.html as well as another article in which the writer seems to feel that Obama is trying to cozy up to Jewish voters in the 11th hour by offering a great deal of lip service to the concerns of Jewish Americans with regard to Israel. It's hard to discern where the truth lies, but it does disturb me that Obama has affiliations with a church whose leader is a racist and possible anti-semite. More research will need to be done before I am convinced that this man should be our next President. As the clock ticks and the picture grows dimmer for Hillary (although it's not over yet) I am forced to consider other options should she be dropped from the card. I am loathe to vote for a Republican, but am even more loathe to vote for someone who sympathizes with Palestinian terrorists and who cares very little about Israel's right to existence (if this is true).

More Car Troubles

Well, went out and did a bunch of errands today, after having a great weekend (during which my car seemed to be running just fine). I came out of the supermarket with my little one, got into the car, turned the key and.....nothing but a very disappointing chuga chuga sound followed by silence. After a few more efforts (which yielded still more chuga chuga sounds) I called N again and he, once again, came to our rescue. This time we brought the car to the mechanic, who promptly diagnosed my little car as having a bad alternator. Oh, and the new battery was dead as a door nail as well, having been dutifully powering my car for me all on its own over the past four days. Thankfully, the battery was warranteed and we didn't get charged for another one. Unfortunately, the rest of the work was quite costly. Fortunately, they were able to fix it tonight and now my car is back home. I'm glad the problem is fixed; it's no fun getting stuck relatively far away from home!!!! It's kind of sad that as I sat in the parking lot of the supermarket with my hood up no one save for a young guy came over to ask me if I needed any help. Plenty of people looked at me curiously, but no one offered their assistance. Sad.

Thursday Hellos

Just a girl and her cat on a Thursday morning, checking in while thinking about life and how the decisions we make effect us and those around us, and the reasons for the fear that sometimes keeps us from having the great life we desire and deserve and are meant to have. As children, we all possess dreams of who we want to be "when we grow up", but as adults so often we get thrust into rolls we never really wanted to have, unsure of how we got there. I'm not speaking for myself in the now-there are lots of things I want to do, but I'm deeply and truly happy about where I am in this moment. If I rewind back to a few years ago, though, I found myself in a law office, gaining valuable experience in the workplace but deeply bored, feeling a bit stuck because quitting would have meant losing the money that was paying for my car, my health insurance, money for rent, and barely enough for living. A wonderful colleague of mine who has since moved to New York City (and I'm so happy for her that she took that leap) would often ask me what I was doing there. We'd be in the mailroom, trying to finish up the day's work so we could bust out of the drudgery for the evening, and she would cock her head to one side, study my face, and say, "You're an artist. Why are you here, working in a law office?" Indeed, the area around my desk at the time was plastered with pictures of rock climbing in Colorado, the city scape of Boston, family members who I missed, and the colors on my computer changed on almost a daily basis because I'd get tired of looking at the same old grey tones. I used to joke that this was a desparate attempt to infuse my daily life with some creativity. By the time I got home I would be so burned out, my energy completely sapped, that I'd have little motivation to do anything aside from go to a meeting, eat a bit of dinner, and collapse on the couch. After fielding telephone calls all day long the sound of my own phone ringing would make me cringe. Anyway, why is it that some of us don't follow our dreams and desires, our true dreams and desires? Why do we think they are so out of reach, only meant for someone else? If everyone allowed themselves to succumb to this belief, we would have no Abraham Joshua Heshels, no Colin Farrels, no Albert Einsteins, no Jacque Cousteaus, no Conrad Ankers. While I'm asking all of these questions, why do I believe this? A few months ago I was at an art show with N in Miami. We walked up and down rows of booths, some displaying paintings, some showing sculptures created from various materials, some boasting antique jewelry, some packed with gorgeous Judaic artwork and religious items. One of my favorite stops was at the booth of an older man who splits his time between New York City and Florida. His work consisted of paintings of New York City, wonderful scenes of daily life in the Big Apple. I talked with him for awhile about his artwork, about New York, and about how lucky he was to have the opportunity to spend his time in two super cool places and stay warm throughout the year. His eyes lit when he spoke of his love for his home city and about his creative passion. I walked away feeling inspired and wondering why I hadn't taken the same leap. I suppose time is always an issue, but this morning I read something in a magazine over breakfast that made me think twice about the "not enough time theory". We need to follow our passions even when we're tired, even when we don't feel like it, even when we don't think we have anything left to give to the effort. We might be surprised at how much fuel we pile onto our creative fire when we honor our muse. Part of the reason I keep a blog is that I love to write. Why have I never pursued a job in writing? Part of the reason is that I went to school for art, not journalism, but maybe I limit myself with this type of rationale. I've written for a local paper and received nothing back but positive commentary. In fact, a few people recently mentioned that they missed my column and wondered when I would be writing it again. My Papa, of Blessed Memory, once told me that I should be a writer, because it was something that came easily to me and that I did well. My Papa was a business owner, who created a prosperous and good life for his family through his business. He was also a highly ethical and generous soul, a person who lived Judaism the way it's supposed to be lived, using his prosperity not only to enjoy his own life, but also to help others around him live a little more prosperously. In short, he was a wise man and someone for whom I have an abundance of respect. I will carry his memory and his faith in me today as I launch myself back into the world, busily doing the jobs I need to complete for N's business (which keeps us fed and living under a roof), as well, hopefully, as a few things that I need to do for my spirit and for my little one's spirit. Have a great Thursday.

Another Lazy Sunday

Although it might not be so lazy, as I realized upon entering my "computer zone" that I actually have a little smattering of work to do today! Yesterday was spent wandering around Boca Raton. Me and family made the drive up there yesterday to look at a house we are thinking about renting. We want to buy something, and this house is also for sale, but the owner will consider renting it for awhile also. Due to the less than desirable school system in the area where we live, as well as a few other factors, N and I are thinking about making a move away from here. The house is located in a nice area, near a good school, a park, and lots of shopping which is nearby but not right in the back yard. We both got a good feel from the neighborhood; it felt very safe to me and there were lots of basketball hoops in driveways, kids toys, etc, which indicates to us that there are many families living there. One of the problems we have been encountering in our current digs is the lack of other "family people" to hang out with. Most of the people we know are still single and living the single life. We have a three year old and would love to meet some other people who have kids, who live their lives within the perameters of having children. It's not that we don't love the friends we have; we do, and will miss them if we leave. But, it felt good up there yesterday, better than I thought it would feel. I think that it's time for a change; we've been feeling that for awhile and this might be the opportunity we need. If we can't buy the house, at least we will be further north, venturing further toward the area where we want to live. Some prayer and mediation will hopefully help us to come to a conclusion. We don't have much time to think about it, because the owner needs an answer so that he can either continue trying to sell the place or take it off the market.

On another note, I miss A's blogging. It's very sad that there are sick, crazy people in the world who keep us from enjoying some of the things we become accustomed to, such as reading the blogs of old friends and blogging ourselves. I hope he will be back soon and I hope psycho-stalker will decide to run along her own merry way and get the professional help she so desperately needs.

Been Away!

My computer was attacked by a virus, so I've had no access. Why do people send such evil rubbish out into cyberspace?? After lugging my computer to Geek Squad and waiting for about 5 days, I'm back in the loop. The worst part of the whole thing was losing all of the work forms I've created over the past 4 years (stupid of me not to have backup, I know). Since it's now 12am and my eyes are blurring as I type (because I've spent the past two hours re-creating forms so I could get some work done), I think I'll go to bed. Missed everyone...

Easter Sunday

I hope everyone out there in blogger space who celebrates Easter has a happy day today. I am supposed to be in the shower right now and will be momentarily, hopefully before N walks in the door, home from church. I'm such an irresponsible wife some days but I honestly try my hardest. There is a free spirit inside this wife and mommy that will never be anything but, and I have to work daily to integrate her wildness with the part of me who loves home, security and routine. That's one of the things which makes creativity so wonderful. I can channel my fears, frustrations, joys, etc. into my art and the energy generated creates a whole new story. Someone else might look at my photographs, drawings or paintings and find a new meaning, a meaning all their own which is just as valid because my art is generated (I believe) through my connection to a divine power, and it's not just about or for my own needs and wants. We are going to have Easter dinner with a friend of ours today, but I'm not sure what time we are supposed to be at his house, so I'd best get hopping (little Easter pun there-gag or laugh at will). It won't do to have my husband come home and find Little One and I still lying around in our jammies, although I must confess that's all I feel like doing today. Such a lazy girl, me, on Sunday.

Happy Ostara

(Above picture from Llewllyn Witches Calendar 2000)

Happy Ostara/Vernal Equinox to all. Little One and I have been busily immersed in activities to celebrate the holiday, making and painting papier mache eggs, coloring in an Ostara coloring page, making hard boiled eggs to decorate. That last activity is going to be pushed back to tomorrow, since today has gotten away from us. All in all it has been a great day. I stuck to a schedule of some sort and we managed to get all of our errands done this morning and still make a trip to the park. After that we came home for lunch, where N was working ( a good thing in these scary financial times) and passed on a bunch of work to me. Thus, we didn't have time to decorate our eggs today, but will have a fun project to do tomorrow. I was in a great mood earlier, but now I feel a little bit grumpy. I'm not sure exactly why; possibly it has to do with an upcoming job N has taken. Although I think that being alone for short (maybe) stretches might be good for me in some ways, the things that are good for us spiritually are often painful in the beginning, and sometimes they are painful all the way through. I hate being separated from N. I do believe that the Goddess works in mysterious ways, and I've seen her work in my life often over the past couple of weeks. Too many things have happened to be called coincidence and I am clinging to that in the hopes that the coming months will yield some wonderful fruits, financially, artistically and spiritually. Time will tell!

Popping By

I haven't written anything in days. I just don't have the time to write every day anymore. Really, I've never had the time, but here and there I can squeeze in some computer time. That said, I'm supposed to be doing some work right now.....I have been reading other blogs, and am amazed at how some people will just leave whatever comments they feel like leaving on someone's site (I'm talking about rude, nasty comments) without stating who they are. Is this about fear? Is it about worrying that other people will think them petty or silly or both? We all write online for different reasons. For me, it's about satiating my writing jones and keeping up some contact with an outside world farther away than outside my door and down the street. As a stay at home Mom, sometimes I feel isolated and a bit lonely. Sure, I have friends, but with my time schedule the way it is, I have very little down time. I'm inspired and get support from some of my online friends, and I have come back into contact with some old friends who now live far away as well, which has been wonderful. Some current correspondence I've entered into with a woman who I will most likely never meet in this lifetime has been helping me tremendously along the spiritual path I know is right for me (and thank you, A, for telling me to "dance like no one is watching"! You couldn't have put it better.), although I'm not sure she realized she was going to be a teacher when we first started "talking"! I hope I'm helping her as well. Sometimes maybe I put out too much. The fact is, when we type something into our computer and send it along it's merry way we don't know who is going to read our words. As an artist, an emotionally charged person, a person who "feels" so so so so much all the time, it feels natural to just blurt out what I'm feeling. I do try to refrain from giving anyone except for my close friends, people who I truly know, deeply personal information. But I try to be honest online, to "be who I write". If anyone doesn't like that, I guess they can just travel along the internet to another site! I don't know how to be anything other than who I am, and I don't have interest in being a fluffy blogger just because some people perusing blog sites think that people should refrain from talking about their true emotions. That said, thanks to those of you who listen kindly.

The above picture is a peice of a lithograph I did years ago. It looks better in its entirety, but what the hell.

Saturday Musings

It's Saturday, N is working, and I am home alone with Little Bee. The sun is shining gloriously outside after a morning of angry rainstorms. Our tomato plants appear to be a bit battered by the onslaught. They need watering, but their delicate arms can't withstand too much battering the way they are staked. I think I will need to purchase some tomato cages and fence the little fellows in so that they will have a chance to produce come the strong sunshine of the summer. I find myself lonely today, and not just a tad homesick once again. The above picture is such a stereotype of northern Witchcraft, but, all humor aside, I did like Salem when I visited there. Although so much old anger lies in the soil of the old graveyards, the town has a very old New England feel to it. Granted, most people visiting there know very little about true Witchcraft, but I like that Laurie Cabot has shone a bit of light on that subject. It was her shop I first traveled to when I wanted to learn more, one summer day many years ago. I remember the trip like it was yesterday, buzzing along the highway on the back of my then boyfriend's motorcycle, clutching the too big helmet to my head and anticipating what it would be like to meet a REAL WITCH. I was so naive back then. When we entered Laurie's old shop (Crow Haven Corner) I was assailed by the heady fragrance of incense. It was as if magic hung in the air at that place; there were shelves of books discussing various subjects related to all things Witchy and magical, jewelry, ritual tools, interesting objects D'Art. Laurie was not there, only a quiet, mohawked girl behind the counter, wearing a chopped up t shirt with a pentacle screen printed on the front. I didn't purchase anything that day, but the seed was planted. Later, I bought a few of Laurie's books, which lead me to other books, and on and on I went on this spiritual quest. I've wandered the pathways of other religions since then, but I'm always called back to this one. An online friend told me that some of us hear a calling to the Pagan path, and that it's special when this occurs, and I think she's right. She also advised me recently that when we become seekers along the magical pathway, a God or Goddess will often choose to teach us. I smiled when I read this, since I am very attracted to Brighid and have been inspired to do a painting in her honor (of course, this means I need to finish the other painting on which I'm working...). I'm a bit lonely along this road. I found a local Pagan community while I was browsing online, but haven't attended any of their meetups yet. I believe they meet once a month. I am experiencing trepidation; is this fear of the unknown, fear of making any real sort of committment (which would need to be examined), fear of what N might think? Perhaps what I feel is a combination of all of these things. I have always been mainly solitary in my studies and ritual work. Venturing into a public arena is a bit scary for me; it means sharing very personal idea and beliefs, and I'm not used to doing that. In the everyday world, this type of belief system is so foreign as to be frightening to many people, and people tend to act with hostility when confronted with issues and/or beliefs that frighten them. Also in the shadows of my mind lurks the fear of betraying any sort of religious beliefs my family might have. I do feel connected to being Jewish and to having Catholic roots as well (although I'm more comfortable with my Jewish roots than my Catholic ones- I relate my Irish roots to a Pagan spiritual belief system). I try to incorporate different aspects of Judaism and Paganism into my life, but sometimes it's difficult to do this, since Judaism is completely incompatable with Paganism! The concept of One God eclipsed Pagan ideas when it came into being; those following a "One God" religion simply do not believe that there are other Gods/Goddess in existence and they definitely do not try to communicate with them or understand them on a deeply personal level. I feel that meeting other people who practice the Old Ways might help me to feel more comfortable with my own beliefs and experiences. Perhaps, in this Leap Year, it's time to take that leap of faith and sail into some uncharted territories, to climb mountains that I have not as yet mapped routes for. I know that once a route along a mountain is created, it's easier to climb it the next time, for the safety bolts have been anchored, and a bit of previous fear has been conquered. We've been introduced to companions who have traveled such routes before, thus giving us confidence that we too can pull ourselves up to greater spiritual heights, no matter how many little rocks and pebbles might occasionally shower down around us. We cling to the mountain, becoming, in a sense, one with her, letting her quiet strength penetrate our souls. I suppose I should be grateful for having a mind that constantly seeks and constantly questions and a soul which thirsts for a true connection with the Great Song, the Oran Mor, and my Guardian Spirits. I am grateful.