Shamrocks and Lilacs

Hi!

2009-03-24T06:47:00.000-04:00

I've been very bad about keeping up here. =( Life has been hectic, and with moving going on this weekend (yay!!!!) life is even more hectic! It's great though; I'm happy that we're moving, that we were able to finance a home that is much nicer than what we'd initially thought we'd be able to buy, that our daughter will have a yard, a dog and some friends her age next door. The Goddess is really working in our lives and for that (and so many other things) I'm grateful.

Here's a link, if you feel like popping over: http://suburbangreenwitch.blogspot.com/

I'll try to be a little better about posting; time is always in short supply around here!

A Day at the Beach

2009-03-01T16:39:00.000-05:00

My family and I enjoyed a wonderful day today, celebrating the marriage of some good friends, splashing around in the ocean, running around on the beach, and just celebrating the sunshine and cool breezes. Thunderstorms had been predicted for later in the day, but although we saw some very large dark clouds, the rains never moved in. I hope that the skies decide to open up tomorrow, however, as everything is very dry and we are in desperate need of some quenching. Days like this make me happy that I live in Florida; my relatives up north are cold, tired of the snow, and eager for spring to make her annual appearance. While I miss New England and miss being close in proximity to my family, I've grown accustomed to living here, and it doesn't look like we'll be leaving any time soon.

On that note, the new house closing date in this Tuesday. I hope, hope, hope that this time it "takes". Hubby and I are anxious to begin the tasks of cleaning, installing appliances and laying down new tiles in the living room (more on that later). Once we've closed and the termite tenting has been done, I will do the same blessing over the house that I did when we moved into our current residence. It seemed to have worked nicely and it made our house feel "clearer". Plus, I love doing that first little majical thing in a home. It's the beginning of making it our own, of giving it that first glimmer of a sparkle. I burned down the last of my house candle a few weeks ago; now it's up to the bank to let us close (and the universe to decide what's going to happen).

I hope everyone had a good weekend. Until next time, Goddess bless!!!

Long Time No Write

2009-02-28T15:27:00.002-05:00

I haven't logged in here for quite awhile. I've been posting at MySpace, began a book and have been busy being a Mom and trying to close on a new house. This has involved fun things like going to look at tile for the living room floor, searching for new appliances, planning various decorating projects, and fantasizing about how our magical gardens are going to look. It has also involved reams of paperwork and lots of questions and frustrations. Buying a house ain't what it used to be. One must prove, prove again, and prove yet some more that his finances are sound and that she doesn't have any deep, dark secrets which might lead to financial difficulties down the road. Time and again we've had closing dates promised, only to be told later that we could not close due to further documentation we need to submit or issues the seller needs to take care of. N and I are eager to get into the house, as much cleaning and painting must be done and we will have to pull up the old living room tile and install new before we can move any furniture into said area.

In addition to our possible move, I'd been plagued by a nagging feeling over the past month or so that something was not right with my family up north. Each time I'd ask my Ma about it she'd insist that nothing was amiss, but my fears were recently confirmed. The issue isn't something that can't be resolved, but it is a scary issue and one that I am frightened by due to my familiarity with it. I am hoping that I can be of assistance to my family in what will hopefully become a time of positive growth and am glad that I have my own life together enough these days to be of any use at all. I am relieved to finally be aware of the situation, since when I have these feelings they almost always prove to be valid (such as my asking N if he'd heard from a friend of ours last week who then called him a couple of days later). I have not progressed to the level where I can discern what is actually going on, however, and this can be very frustrating.

There isn't much going on with us today. N is sleeping, my little on is watching cartoons, and I'm about to get off the computer and scoop her up to do something a bit more constructive. We are going to meet some friends a little later in the day, but I'm not envisioning a highly active night as N has taken a bit headachey again after a bout last night with a criminal carnival jockey at a local church fair. I cannot believe they allow such snake oil salesmen to work carnivals aimed at making money for the church. Games are one thing (and we all know that carnival games are always a bit shady-we expect it) but this was over the top. What this man is doing should be illegal. That's okay. I know that my guardian spirits are hard at work, and for sure this guy is earning himself some bad energy in the extreme.

Hopes,,, and Gripes

2009-01-22T23:33:00.002-05:00

Tuesday I deliberately did not make any plans because I wanted to watch the inauguration. Happy that Barack Obama was elected in the first place, and even happier that finally our country might begin to see some positive changes (albeit at a snail's pace-there is so much work to be done to pull us out of the economic mire that we are now stuck in), I was eager to bear witness to the momentous event of our country's first bi-racial man being sworn into office. Watching this event gave me some hope-hope not only that our country can once again rise to prosperity (for everyone, not just the priviledged few), but also that maybe, just maybe, with a President in office who is able to see a larger view of the world, that we also will learn to do so. While race relations in our nation are much better than they were ten, twenty, or thirty years ago, we still have much room for improvement. Some of the comments I heard during the Presidential campaign were simply ugly; in my naivete I'd thought that most people had outgrown that sort of ignorance. Thankfully, this stale, old prejudicial attitude was not the norm. Obviously, we've grown as a country and as a collective people, because Senator Obama is now President Obama, and the eyes crying with joy during the inauguration ceremony belonged to people of all color, nationality, and religion (I can't verify the religion part, but I'm sure it's true). I love that now little kids of all ethnicities can dream of greatness with hope in their hearts.

As far as my gripes today, they aren't really that important. Hubby and I are dealing with the world of mortgage loans and real estate agents and it's been an interesting and busy four months. We still aren't sure if we will be able to buy the home we've been hoping to purchase; first it seemed as though the loan would go through, but now we're not sure. The banks seem to change their minds like the weather changes in New England, and we are existing in a sort of limbo, not sure if we can begin to pack or if we should sign another year's lease. It's frustrating, but it's just something we need to keep plodding through. We'll have an answer soon enough, and if it's meant to be that we buy this place, then we'll be living there in a couple of months. Time will tell; all we can do is put forth the effort and hope for the best!

Hopes... and Gripes

2009-01-22T19:17:00.000-05:00

Gumbo Limbo Nature Center Trip

2009-01-13T17:23:00.004-05:00

We were out the door early this morning for our homeschool group's trip to Gumbo Limbo Nature Center in Boca Raton. The trip turned out to be a blast; the woman who did the tour was patient, thorough, and very cool, there was lots to see, and the weather was good for the occasion (slightly overcast, breezy, warm but not hot). After a walk through the hammock during which we were treated to all sorts of trees, insects, spiders, cool breezes, and a view from the wooden observatory out toward the ocean (which is across the street from the park), we stopped by the park's three separate tanks. In the tanks we saw turtles, sharks, sea urchins, starfish, and various fish, such as barracuda and pufferfish. The kids had fun looking over the side of the tank; at one point the baby turtle above swam over and poked her head out of the water as if asking to be fed. The park is very involved in helping to rebuild and protect the sea turtle population.

I took several pictures, some of which turned out better than this one, but my computer was having issues while I was attempting to upload them and so the battery on the camera died before I was able to accomplish even half of this task. I will need to do this later-so disappointing as I was hoping to view the pictures after I arrived home. We are an immediate gratification oriented society these days; sometimes I fall prey to this affliction as well! Who am I kidding? I fall prey to it every day. I think that sometimes I hear G-d laughing. In fact, I heard Him just a few minutes ago when I was trying to copy the pictures onto my computer.... Of course, I don't mean this in a literal sense. That would mean that I'm even crazier than I think I am.

Anyway.... after the tour we all had lunch together at a nearby playground. This was probably the biggest playground I have ever been to. The kids had fun running around inside this mazelike wooden structure; there are all sorts of clever gadgets and bright pictures at various points, and a sand play area nearby.

Now I'm tired and looking forward to an easy dinner, giving my little one a bath, and lying down in bed with a book. Happy Tuesday night, everyone!

Mommyhood

2009-01-09T08:18:00.003-05:00

One thing I've come to realize about being a parent is that it drives us to heights we never thought possible. Really. In spite of the stress, the hyper-scheduling (my own Mom's term), the constant demands on our own time, the always having to put your own needs secondary to the needs of your child (which doesn't mean that you own needs can never be met, just that they sometimes will not be met according to your desired time schedule), the incessant tiredness (going to the gym helps a lot with this issue), being a mother has helped me to realize that I can achieve goals, spiritual and physical that I never thought possible. Part of the reason for this is that, as a parent, I want to set a good example of the best path to take toward happiness and well being. It's not enough for me to tell my child what I think she should do (what is ethically correct, etc.); I need to live my words. Children see straight through plain talk; in order for them to believe us enough to possibly try out our recommendations, they need to see us putting our words into action in our own lives.

I've realized lately that the only way for me to achieve nearly all of my goals on any given day, I've got to attack the day with the ferocity of a mother lion. I can't spend much, or any time, sitting on the sidelines reading a magazine (although a well planned day might yield downtime around nightfall), surfing the web (I have to do this early in the morning or late at night), or engaging in any other of the seemingly thousands of activities which try to draw my attention away from my daily goals. I have a very short attention span and need to be kept busy almost all of the time. Also, in spite of the fact that many of my friends seem to think that I'm a laid back person, deep within me there is a hyperactive maniac whose mind must be occupied at all times lest I fall into the depths of deep depression. Thankfully, these days my mind is nearly always busy, along with my hands (who also enjoy near constant activity). This character trait can be a double edged sword; I'm easily distracted but have found that I can gently guide my thoughts back to the needs at hand. In fact, if I sometimes go against the unproductive routines in my life, the comfortable but non-functional habits, I find that I am ultimately much happier because my daughter and my husband are happier, my home is running along a much smoother flow, I feel more spiritually fulfilled (it's sometimes hard to make myself go to synagogue on Friday night, but after I go I feel great and wonder why I made such a fuss about leaving the house), and I feel like I'm a more productive parent. Also, our business runs more smoothly, because I am able to find the time to do all of those little things for the company that DH does not have the time to tend to (payroll, billing, etc.).

At some point, I hope to incorporate my artistic pursuits into the mix of organized chaos. I'm sure that this will happen because, until this week, I never thought it possible to reach the point I'm at now, with our home reasonably clean and it's inhabitants fairly content. Right now, though, I have breakfast to make. Thank G-d this life flows one day at a time.

Sunday Night and ZZZZZZ

2009-01-04T19:48:00.002-05:00

Another weekend has drawn to a close and it's seems like Friday night had just arrived! I did end up going to synagogue on Friday night, and although our usual Rabbi was not present, a woman Rabbi was there and she did a fabulous job. I left with a feeling of peace, ready to enter into another weekend.

This morning we joined some friends at the beach where, each Sunday, there is an organic market where one can buy fresh vegetables and fruit. I'd never been before, but the couple we met shop there once a month or so (they live about 45 minutes north of us so it's a bit of a drive to make with two small children). I walked around for awhile checking out the produce and soaking up the wonderful scent of fresh, organic vegetables (it always seems to me that organic veggies have a stronger scent) before selecting a couple of tomatoes and some huge carrots. That was all I could manage to pick before the crowds moved in. I sometimes become very anxious when I'm in a crowd atmosphere and today was one of those sorts of days. I left the market with $5.00 plus change in veggies, which is okay since they tend to spoil quickly. I can always go to Whole Foods for organic food during the week (I wish one would be built closer to where we live-they seem to be building everything else).

Two hours past dinnertime, my little one is suddenly hungry again and so she is eating a snack with her Daddy. This means that bath time has been pushed forward a bit, but it also meant that I had a few minutes to bang away at the computer keyboard. That said, she should be just about finished with her cheese, and I need to go run her a nice warm bath and snuggle her into her jammies for storytime. I love motherhood, but even mommies need some downtime!!!!

Relatives and Religion

2009-01-02T08:51:00.002-05:00

Something has been troubling me a bit since we returned home-part of a conversation I had at the Cafe Du Monde while enjoying coffee with my sister in law, my husband's niece and my little family. At one point (I can't remember what we were discussing) my sis in law made a comment that some things should just be believed, like Christianity. She made a statement that even if one doesn't understand Christianity, one should just believe in it because it's the truth (or something like that-I might not be quoting her exactly). She knows I'm Jewish, and she doesn't try to convert me to her belief system, but there were comments such as this sprinkled here and there throughout our trip and they make me uncomfortable sometimes. I felt as though little jabs were, however unintentionally, being poked at my own belief system. At another point during the trip my husband mentioned a pastor who has a television show which I cannot stand, to the extent that my husband usually won't switch his show on if I'm in the room. My sister in law said that she didn't like him either, but for different reasons than me. She said that he speaks the truth, to which I responded that he speaks his own version of the truth. I went on further to say that depending upon who you are listening to, Biblical translations and even purely historical translations can be different. I'm not sure this went over very well, but it's the truth, and I'm not sorry I said it because I'm tired of my own religion being bashed because most people don't know much or anything about it.

I have no problems with someone else practicing a different religion. On the contrary, I love to listen to people talk about what they believe in and I respect people when they are passionate about those beliefs. For me, conflict enters when people start professing that their religion is the only true way and that if I don't believe what they do I will not enjoy a pathway to G-d. To me this sounds like bigotry and I have very little tolerance for bigotry. I'm going to post something here, not to offend anyone and certainly not to sway anyone else from their Christian faith, but simply to offer an explanation. It comes from the website Jews for Judaism (a great resource for Jewish parents and also for Jews who are "on the fence" about Christianity).

The Real Messiah: A Jewish Response to Missionaries

There's too much here for me to copy and paste, so I'm just going to provide this link. If you open it and read, even if you skim the document (it's quite extensive) it will provide you with the answers as to why Jews do not believe that Jesus was G-d in the flesh and why he could not be the Messiah. Again, it's not to intended to sway anyone but rather to inform with regard to Jewish belief. I feel that if people understood Judaism a bit more, they would not be so quick to react negatively toward it.

Living in a interfaith relationship can, at times, be difficult. I'm trying to raise our daughter in a Jewish way while still respecting my husband's faith as a Catholic. He isn't one of those thump you over the head with a copy of the New Testament Catholics, but that doesn't mean that sometimes our differing religious views don't pose struggles. I am the product of an interfaith marriage; my parents really didn't raise us with any definite religion, but with little bits and peices of both Judaism and Christianity. As a result, I grew up confused and have for years struggled with what it really is that I believe in. I think that my most recent searches religiously have brought me to an even deeper understanding of Judaism. I understand what I believe in now better than ever because I've wandered a little bit; I've discovered different avenues down which G-d can be reached and found that some of them work well in a Jewish context. I don't want my daughter to have to struggle so much, though. I want to provide her with a solid foundation of faith, to show her that Judaism can be deeply spiritual, that it can be compatable with feminist ideas, that it can be fun. Sometimes doing this can be like swimming against a strong current and sometimes I get tired. I will admit that the winter holidays are the most difficult in this regard because everyone just assumes that we celebrate Christmas and will ask my daughter about Santa and, afterward, what she got for Christmas. Although we have a tree for my husband, we don't "do" the whole Santa spiel. My daughter doesn't even like Santa Claus; he creeps her out when she sees him the mall. She doesn't seem to be deprived in any way because we don't have a Santa tradition. We light our menorah, say the blessings and open gifts and it's a beautiful time for our whole family. If we're home for Christmas, we usually open a few gifts on Christmas day so that my husband's religion will be respected. During the Christmas and Hanukkah holidays, I feel more tension in our home. The differences in faith that my husband and I possess are more clearly defined, while during the rest of the year there doesn't seem to be as much conflict. That said, I'm glad that they are now over for another year. The tree will come down tomorrow or Sunday, and life can resume normally. Tonight is Shabbat, and I'll go to the synagogue and maybe bring my daughter (she's only four, but a few people have told me that the experience might still be good for her and I agree). I will not be logging on tomorrow due to the Sabbath, but I wish you all a wonderful tomorrow!

First Day

2009-01-01T14:08:00.002-05:00

(picture by miamicondolifestyle.com)

In spite of my trepidation with regard to going out last night, and the fact that I was tired from my day as well as from my two mile morning run (getting back into a work out routine can be a bitch, but it's so necessary for me), we had a great time last night at the party. It turned out to be a somewhat quiet affair; not as many people showed up this year as in years past, and N and I knew most everyone who attended. I always surprise at myself for not being as shy as I once was. There was a time when the idea of attending a party would throw me into a state of high anxiety; nowadays I still experience that anxiety (albeit to a lesser degree), but once I get to the event I usually find that I'm quite comfortable and able to have a good time. I suppose that as we get older and realize that all we really need to be is ourselves, some of the pressure to perform is removed and we can just relax. It helps when the people around us are friendly, as they were last night. Being in a situation where the company is snobby or hostile can cause even the most self assured among us to feel a bit out of sorts. Though N and I kept telling each other that we were going to boogy home before the infamous ball dropped, suddenly it was 11:30pm and we decided that we might as well hang out for the duration. We engaged in all of that cheesy "happy new year" banter after the year turned to 2009, then watched some fireworks that the party host set off from his back boat dock. By the time we arrived home it was around 1AM; by the time I myself fell asleep it was around 2AM. No one in our home awoke before 10AM, aside from our cat, who was highly aggravated that we were still in bed and displayed her annoyance by stepping on my clock radio and waking us up to the sound of whatever horrible station began blaring through the speakers. When she stepped on the on button she also stepped on the tuner and turned the radio station.

I've thought a little bit about resolutions, but mostly I think that I just want to continue doing what I've been doing. That is, trying to grow a little more each day, to be more in touch spiritually, to love a little more, to be more creative and active as an artist, to be a better Mom, wife, friend, and person in general. Life is a journey, a process of growing, no matter what day it is. I hope your first day of 2009 is the continuation of a wonderful journey!

I am posting this link below because, as a Jewish woman, I feel that it is important to spread positive information about Israel. With current affairs being what they are, I wanted to post an article which I feel describes Israel's position and defends her a bit. I abhor violence but believe deeply in the right of a country to defend itself. You may, of course, decide for yourself whether or not you want to read it!

http://www.aish.com/jewishissues/middleeast/Defending_Israels_Operations_in_Ga.asp

Happy New Year to All

2008-12-31T08:48:00.002-05:00

Tonight we are going to the annual party of a close friend to celebrate the coming in of 2009. While I'm happy and appreciative that we have someplace to go and good people to celebrate with, I must confess that, at this point, I'm pretty much over the holiday festivities. After our Hanukkah/Christmas celebrations, I'm ready to pack away the decorations and get back to regular life. Regular life is busy enough!!!! Yesterday I spent the hours doing laundry and completing other tasks that were necessary after being away for six days. I'm thankful that N's sister did a load of laundry for us while we were in N.O., because even with that having been done I had tons to do after we got home. That's not unusual for us, however; I do laundry just about every day! I hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year's Eve celebration tonight, whatever you do.

Just Back from New Orleans

2008-12-30T07:17:00.002-05:00

My family and I just flew back in from New Orleans yesterday evening; we had a great time with the family but I think we all are a little bit glad to be home. We had a chance this trip to visit with everyone and even spend a whole day in New Orleans (my husband's family lives in Lafayette so that's where the majority of our time in Louisiana is spent) with his sister and niece. It was great to be back in a city that I call my second home, to be sipping coffee and munching on bignets at the Cafe Du Monde and riding the trolley down St. Charles. I have made my own bignets at home in a lame attempt to duplicate this experience, but they don't taste the same when one is eating them anyplace except the Crescent City. The flight into Louis Armstrong was a bit rocky at the end. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but it seemed like our descent was very quick and very sudden, followed by a very rapid throttling of the aircraft back upward. After everyone on board had recovered from shock somewhat, a flight attendant came on the speaker and announced that we'd experienced a "missed approach" and would be circling back around to try landing again. Needless to say, we were very happy, excstatic even, to be on the ground when finally the pilot's attempt was successful. Phew!!!

My daughter enjoyed hanging out with her aunt (my husband's sister) and cousins as well as with her grandparents. My mother in law has taken ill and we were glad to have the opportunity to spend some time with her; as well, we were grateful for the time our daughter was able to spend with her. I wish that our little one was able to see them more often. My grandparents were all very influential in my life; their homes were second homes for me since they lived close by. The world has changed a lot in the past twenty or so years; lots of people don't reside close to their families anymore. It's kind of sad because the unity of the larger family suffers a bit for the distance. That said, while I miss New England, I don't miss those long Massachusetts winters! Brrr.... It was cold enough in Louisiana the last day that we were there, and I think the temperature was in the 50's! So wimpy I am nowadays.

Soooo, now it's time to get back into the swing of things again. I have some things I need to do today, such as pick up payroll from last week. I am looking forward to making a good, healthy dinner tonight (our stomachs are a bit shaken up by all of the rich foods we've eaten over the past week, such as crawfish etouffee-so yummy) and hope I will be able to take a ride over to Whole Foods Market later (or this morning, depending upon how quickly I'm able to get out of here). The selection they have for vegetarian dishes is out of this world and I think that after several days of strange food overload we could all use an easy on the belly vegetarian meal. Also, I feel fat as a hog after not working out last week, working out sporadically over the two weeks before that, and eating lots of high calorie foods that I normally would not consume. I'm anxious to get back into a healthy routine again.

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Hollywood Rant

2008-11-26T05:30:00.000-05:00

I so wish I could move away from here with my family-away from Hollywood, away from South Florida, maybe even away from Florida in general. It's probably not good that I'm in this frame of mind right now, since we're trying to buy a house here, but I've felt this way for a long time. I just try to make the best of wherever I am and since we can't leave due to my husband's business being established here (and I'm grateful that we're doing well at the moment) I try to find the best of where we are, rather than always looking at the worst. Yesterday morning it was difficult for me to deny the reality of our violent world, however. My husband received a phone call in the early morning hours from a friend who he drives to work, advising him to come from a different direction when traveling to his house. It turned out that a 36 year old man was shot to death during a robbery at the Hess gas station. Our friend lives near the Hess located on US 1, where this horrible crime took place and yesterday morning it was an area best avoided due to the activity that was going on there. I was saddened to hear about this incident, partly because I'm human, partly because I used to work at such a gas station and so understand the vulnerability of the clerks employed at such establishments, partly because these sorts of offenses are so senseless. There is absolutely no need to shoot someone, to kill someone, because you want to break the law. The people robbing this gas station could have worn masks; they could have gone in, taken the money, and left without hurting anyone. It's not like the surveillance camera didn't get a good picture of them-hello!!!! Leaving the clerk alive would not have lessened the chances of them getting caught; the video camera tells the tale. I understand that we live in difficult times. People are losing jobs or having hours cut back, prices at the grocery store seem to climb higher with each visit, most of us live with some fear of what the coming year will bring economically. The sad truth, however, is that most of these violent crimes are perpetuated by people looking for money for drugs. That said, South Florida is a hotbed for drug activity; I've had the pleasure of being offered crack cocaine for sale while riding my bicycle up 19th Avenue (I'm being deeply sarcastic in my use of the word "pleasure" here). Where I grew up, this would never happen. Hell, you can't even buy alcohol in the town where I grew up.

I understand that crimes, violent and otherwise, happen all over the country. It just seems that we have more than our share of it here in South Florida. This state has become a dumping ground for child molestors, drug dealers, perverts of every shade, transients and on and on into the night. A sex offender search in my immediate area alone turned up HUNDREDS of people. When I conducted the same online search in my hometown, I turned up 0. A search in the neighboring town revealed a few, but nowhere near the staggering number of offenders who live here. For those who feel that just moving northward in Florida will help the situation, the crime is just as bad in Palm Beach County, in part due to gangs running rampant in that area (a former boyfriend of mine and I actually had a gun pulled on us during a traffic altercation-thankfully the light changed and the people in the car drove away without shooting us), and a sex offender search for Boca Raton, which tends to be known as a more upscale city, revealed that even there many such offenders find haven.

Seeing as how it isn't possible for us to pull up roots and blow out of Dodge, I'm thinking that maybe I should invest in a good can of bear repellant, the kind of stuff that will knock a grizzly off his feet. As long as I'm not accosted by someone supercharged on PCP, that should help to protect my daughter and me. Ain't South Florida grand? They call this heaven.

Sunday Night After Camelot Days

2008-11-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

After much cajoling, I finally convinced Hubby that it would be fun to go to Camelot Days at the local park. I have a thing for anything medieval/Renaissance and thought it would be a fun activity for our little one. Sundays are usually reserved (by N, anyway) for football, and while I have no problem with that, we didn't get to hang on Saturday due to Hubby's work schedule (damned knocking pipes!!!!). So, at around 3pm we loaded into the car and drove to the festival. The weather today was glorious-windy, cool and sunny. It was a perfect day for being outside taking in the local jousters, fairies, knights and such. While the food was-well-kind of yucky (setting aside the huge cookie we all shared, which was absolutely yummy), we had fun walking around, checking out the sword shop (I was unable to convince N that a Celtic handled sword would be a great asset to our house), the clothiers, the belly dancing show. I was completely enthralled with the bellydancing show; all of the women were AMAZING. I left the park thinking that it might be a lot of fun to take a class (they have a bellydancing class locally, at The Goddess Store) if I could convince one of my girlfriends to take it with me. I wouldn't feel so awkward if I did it with someone else, you know??? I might check out the store and find out when and if they are offering sessions in the near future; I think it would be great fun and might even be helpful (for the next time I need to convince N that I need a sword-just kidding). Anyway, off to watch Barack Obama and family on 60 Minutes! I hope you all had a fun weekend.

Park Day

2008-11-12T06:02:00.000-05:00

I had the best of intentions with regard to going to the gym this morning, but the early hours just got away from me too fast. Hubby isn't feeling so hot this morning, we both were moving more slowly than usual (I had some trouble getting out of bed this morning-Hubster hogged the blankets last night but put the fan .. turning in, and I was cold in between stealing the covers back!), and before we knew it 8AM had crept upon us and he was rushing out the door. I don't like to rush my daughter around just because I'm behind, so I figured that I'll stick to my Friday morning gym ritual and then go on Saturday morning again. I actually enjoyed going to the gym last Saturday morning; it motivates me to get out of bed and then I feel great for the rest of the day. This weekend is Camelot Days at T.Y. Park and I'm going to try as hard as I can to convince N that we should go. We had a great time last year when we went and, even if N doesn't want to attend, I might take my little one and go anyway. It's difficult for me to resist any even with a medieval theme, and my little one will love all of the costumes and craziness.

Today is our park day with the homeschool group. I feared a rainout when I first awoke, but the sun is now making a valiant effort to smile brightly upon us. Even if the skies drizzle a bit here and there, it looks like we might be allowed some quality playtime. We meet at around 12pm, and I plan on bringing a picnic lunch with us, possibly from a nearby kosher restaurant that has killer sandwiches. Though, after spending a ridiculous amount of money at the supermarket yesterday (the cost of groceries has spiraled out of control) I have to admit that I'm reluctant to spend any extra money today; we might end up with tuna sandwiches from home!!! Still, that falafel from Levy's is calling out to me......argh!!! Whatever we eat, we should have a fun day. I like that my little one gets to run around with the same kids each week and I'm learning more about homeschooling from the other parents in the group and socializing a bit as well.

Happy Wednesday!!!!

Some Dry Eyed Rambling

2008-11-10T18:17:00.000-05:00

It's getting late, my eyes are tired and dry after about an hour of playing with my profile page (no kidding, it took me about an hour to get it the way I want it) but I figured that since I was here anyway I might as well say hello. And good night, but I'll leave the good night for later.

We had a great weekend. Hubby worked on Saturday but I got up early, hit the gym, then came home and made a dreamcatcher for my little one. She has been having nightmares and I thought it might help. It was lots of fun putting it together; I bought two small grapevine wreathes, some crystal beads (I picked out green, Little One picked out amethyst), yellow/white ribbon, feathers, and six silver metal stars (three for each wreath-on Sunday I made one for my hubby's and my room as well- in keeping with the tradition of the number three being sacred in Celtic tradition). Then, we supercharged her dreamcatcher with some words of blessing and hung it in her room in front of the window. It's located as close to her bed as possible but is also in the window to catch the first rays of the sun as they stream through the blinds. So far, so good. I hung ours on Sunday, as my husband looked at me with raised eyebrow (such a skeptic, he). After the dreamcatcher festivities we met some friends for lunch at a nearby deli where my mind was stimulated by some much appreciated adult conversation. My husband joined me later at the home of a couple we know (I'll call them R and W here), where we ate steak and salad. Though I'd previously been doubtful about R's claim that eating meat without a starch helps food digest more easily, I have to say that this was the first time I'd eaten a steak without feeling heavy afterward. I think that his theory bears more investigation; I ate a baked potato with chicken for dinner tonight and felt positively stuffed afterward, although the sour cream, butter and bacon bits might have contributed to that condition. So much for going to the gym this morning. Sigh.

As far as our adventures into possible home ownership, no word yet as to whether or not we're going to get the dreamhome we've been hoping to move into toward the end of this year. Three or so weeks ago the realtor told my husband that the bank had accepted our offer. When N called him this afternoon to ask him some questions, he advised that he hadn't actually received the acceptance of our offer in paper form yet. Whaaa???? Either it was accepted, or it was not accepted, or it was not accepted yet. I'm hoping for the first, fearing the second and thinking that the last is probably the most likely answer. Maybe they told the realtor that our offer looked good and just haven't gotten around to completing the paperwork, or maybe they haven't made a final decision yet. This whole ordeal has been stressful as hell; I'm looking forward to the day we are able to move into a home we love and I can begin planning gardens and painting walls. The sweat and toil of cleaning, digging and decorating (all of which I love-well, not the cleaning so much) is nothing next to the anguish of not knowing. Already I feel uprooted and I've yet to pack a box.

Well, for a tired gal I sure did let forth a sea of words! Time to go to bed and let our dreamcatcher work its magic

Almost the Weekend, and Some Light at the End of the Tunnel?

2008-11-07T04:53:00.000-05:00

Without getting into any sort of political discourse, I will say that I am happy with the results of this year's Presidential election. For the first time in a very long time, I feel a true sense of hope that this country might be pulled out of it's currently wretched financial state at some point in the near future. Of course, the change will come slowly, but the fact that change is in sight at all is a positive thing. At least in my eyes.

On another note, our house hunting might soon be over. It's still too soon to say for sure, but we are hopeful that the loan is going to go through and that, come the end of November, we will be closing on a new house. I feel pretty good about contacting our current landlady to let her know that we are going to be moving out, though I'm still a bit nervous about doing so. Those sorts of discourses are never pleasant, and with things being what they are in the world I hate to tell someone we're about to remove a source of income from their pockets. I feel we've been great tenants-we have never been the sort to complain about anything and always pay our rent on time- and I want to be sure we give her ample time to find someone else to move in. I lit our house candle again last night and had a good feeling when I snuffed it out that this whole issue is about to conclude and that we should have an answer soon as to whether or not we will be putting our Yule tree up in a new home. It will be nice to know one way or the other, so that we can begin preparations to move (never fun, but in this case it will be exciting).

My day today started with coffee with N, then a phone call from a good friend (I love you W!!!); hopefully it will continue to proceed forward in as nice a way as it began! Happy Friday, everyone!

WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!!!

2008-11-03T03:53:00.000-05:00

This is just sick-it's scary what is happening in our country with our food industry. It seems like when it comes to what we eat, the government is more interested in making money than keeping us safe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUB79WJ9ktQ

Sleepy but Thoughtful

2008-10-27T20:24:00.000-04:00

Why am I still up and on the computer at, let's see, 11:38 p.m.??? Wellllll, it's about the only time I can spend screwing around online these days; I finally admitted to myself that daytime blogging/surfing is, for the most part, an impossible inturruption to the normal routine. I have too many other things going on to justify the time spent on the computer, unless it's on stuff pertaining to the enhancement of said "normal routine". Plus, I just watched an hour of Paranormal State and found myself thoroughly creeped out and unable to drift right off to sleep. Tonight's show was about demonic possession, a subject I find to be quite terrifying in spite of the fact that I am, in most cases, immediately skeptical when someone claims to be possessed by an entity of the demonic variety. That said, I am also open minded and believe that people can be possessed by entities; I just think that our own personal spiritual beliefs can color such experiences (have you ever noticed that most people who are possessed by demons seem to be Catholic or of some other belief system which places an ephasis on the devil??? You hardly, if ever, see a Jew or a Buddhist or a Pagan in this position, at least, on television and in popular literature.). While I do believe that negative entities exist (I believe that I have encountered one or two in my lifetime thus far) I am unclear as to what they are. When I was in the early stages of adulthood and living in my grandparents' house, I would often feel a presence in my bedroom there; I never saw anything, but I would suddenly feel as though I was not alone and that something or someone of a malevolent disposition was in the room with me. Many, many nights I spent tucked into bed with a book, trying to read until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. To this day, I do not know what I was experiencing in that room. My Grandparents were the only people to own the house and I don't think anyone else ever felt anything there. I never mentioned my experiences to anyone in my family; I understood how crazy it would have sounded. Indeed, even today I know that to some people it still sounds crazy, and maybe it was all just a result of some inner turmoil that was going on or something. It felt very real at the time, though. The feeling that would wash over me some nights can only be described as a sort of terror. Years later, my Grandfather passed away in that room after a brief but serious illness. I haven't had occasion to enter it much since that day.

Today, I understand the importance of blessing a home either before moving in or as soon as possible directly afterward. One need not complete an elaborate ritual, though what sort of ritual you choose is dependent upon which religious/spiritual path you follow. For me, a simple ritual with a white candle, some salt water and a spoken blessing did the trick. Because I spoke this blessing in every single corner of every single room in our house (I waited until a few months after we moved in to do this, after I'd realized the house needed some protection) the whole process proved to be time consuming, but I felt better afterward and our place felt a bit "lighter". I highly recommend that prior to moving into any new domicile, you either bless it or have it blessed. It can't hurt, and it's a nice way to start fresh in a new home.

Okay, I think I feel better now. I'm heading off to bed. 5 AM comes very early in these parts!!!!

House Hunting

2008-10-19T11:48:00.000-04:00

We looked at another house yesterday, this time in Fort Lauderdale, and I have to say that just when my interest in this whole house hunting thing was beginning to wane (due to not being able to find ANYTHING that looked appealing and was within our price range) we found a cute home. The house is surrounded by bushes for privacy, is landscaped a little bit (lots of potential for some nice gardens), is located on a corner lot, and boasts a swimming pool. All of the rooms look out over the pool, and overall the house appears to be very sunny inside, which I like. The realtor is going to show us the place tomorrow night. We also found another house online, this one in Coconut Creek, which sits by the Hillsboro Inlet on a big lot. It's an A-frame house, which gives it a bit of a different look from most of the places we've been looking at, and from the picture online it appears that two large trees shade the front of the house. I love trees and have been praying that we would find a home with lots of them in residence. If we ever get motivated to leave our current abode, (we were out very late last night watching the fight at the home of a couple who are friends of ours-the fight on cable television, of course) we are going to check out the Coconut Creek house and see if it's a possibility. Sometimes houses look fabulous online but we arrive at the scene to find a place riddled with termites, or completely trashed by the former inhabitants, or stripped bare of any and all appliances (which means more cost to us when we move in to replace everything), or we find the house is located in a location that isn't good for us. I will keep my fingers crossed and pray that the Goddess will shine Her beautiful face our way with respect to this latest venture. I know that if we continue to put forth the effort, eventually we will find a nice house that we can afford. I'm just so damned impatient!!!!

Moving Forward in the Homeschooling Adventure

2008-10-16T16:40:00.000-04:00

So, I found a really great group of homeschool families here in South Florida, in our general area (hooray!!!! I was beginning to think that all of the good groups that weren't super denominational were in Miami). We attended our first meetup on Wednesday at a park about 45 minutes from our house. I didn't mind the drive; it was actually kind of nice to be out of our usual zone of living. The park was awesome, with a huge area for the kids to play in, completely fenced in. The wind (and there was a strong wind blowing on Wednesday) kept things cool and I packed a lunch so that when Little One finally gave in to hunger she had good stuff to munch on. My Little One hates it when she has to stop playing and will go to great lengths to try to convince me that she isn't hungry, doesn't need to use the bathroom, etc. etc. etc. The group meets every week at a park (not always the one we met at on Wednesday; some are closer to our house) so my daughter will have a chance to socialize with the same kids (give or take a few) each week and have the opportunity to create some friendships, which will be good for her. I was relieved to find out that the group is full of down to earth, friendly people. I've been really searching for a group like this and it will be nice to have other people to share the homeschool journey with, especially since I'm new to the scene and not exactly sure what I'm doing!!!!!

Endorphins Alive!!!

2008-10-13T09:49:00.000-04:00

We had a great weekend. N's parents drove down from Louisiana on Friday and visited with us all weekend; they left early this morning. Sunday was my little one's fourth birthday (how did THAT arrive so quickly) so on Saturday while she was visiting with her much enamored Grandparents, N and I went and picked up her new bicycle. We selected a metallic purple Barbie number with a pink backpack, very chic with the pre-school crowd, I hear. By the time we returned to the hotel, N's parents were quite tired and ready for us to be there, I think. They both seem younger than their years but the fact is that they are both in the early years of 80, and having an energetic-beyond belief four year old who is excited because it's her birthday and her Grandparents are around, can be exhausting! Little One loved her bike!!!!! I'm glad that I had the video camera poised for action when she opened the door (I snuck into the house first and waited for her to come in). Her little face reflected surprise first, then a grin slowly spread from ear to ear and she was all over that bike like ticks on a dog. The next several minutes were spent riding up and down the street, with me trailing behind, video camera in hand, trying to capture her first biking experience for posterity. I'm glad her Grandma and Grandpa were here to share in the moment. It was a good day, indeed.

This morning, just when I was about to talk myself out of going to the gym, I read the blog of a fellow blogger (thank you, Ellen!!!) and was inspired to get my butt out the door. I love going to the gym once I get there, but getting out the door on time can be dicey at times; I need to implement some serious schedule changes for myself (ie, waiting until night time or the afternoon to enter the domain of the internet, into which I can easily disappear for an hour at a time). Arming myself with a Johnny Cash CD and a water bottle, I hit the treadmill, ran for two miles, and felt great afterward. Add to that some work on the weights and I left the gym feeling energized and happy that I'd gone; had I not, I would have spent the day lamenting about the fact that I didn't work out after eating cake and all sorts of other evil foods over the weekend. I hate that after a woman hits the age of 36 she can't eat to her heart's content anymore, without serious repercussions. Nowadays my normal lifestyle has to include more healthy eating, working out, stretching, following creative endeavors and being spiritually centered. It's a good plan but some days more difficult to follow than others. I am also home pre-schooling my daughter-not too hard at this stage, but since I'm setting the groundwork for probable future homeschooling I have lots to learn and am spending quite a bit of time learning about what I need to do to raise a healthy and happy child, beyond the common sense stuff. It's a good Monday today!!!

e

2008-10-13T09:48:00.000-04:00

Balance, anyone????

2008-10-08T12:48:00.000-04:00

Today has been an incredibly unbalanced day for me. I woke up late after not sleeping well, felt like I was behind the usual routine all day long (and when you have a small child, the "usual routine" is very important), felt like an awful Mom for being behind in our routine, wanted to cry off an on for the duration of the time since I got out of bed this morning. You get the gist. On a positive note, I added some items to my seasonal altar and am happy with the results. My little one came in later and placed some silk fall leaves (we don't have changing leaves here so we have to improvise) all over it and it looks truly fall festive. Plus, the candles smell wonderful and remind me that the Goddess is always close by, even on a bad day.

Sniffle

2008-09-29T13:11:00.000-04:00

I've been battling a cold for a few days but it seems to be on it's way out. I am tired today, though, feeling very sleepy; a combination of the Nyquil that I took last night and my body trying to get rid of the current invaders. Everyone here in South Florida seems to be sick right now so apparently there is something nasty making the rounds. We tend to get every bug known to man down here because there are so many people visiting all the time. In spite of not getting a great night of sleep (you know it's bad when you take Nyquil and still don't sleep well!!!) due to our daughter crashing our bed and the neighbors deciding to crank up party music at 10pm (I was too tired and out of it by then to go over and complain) I still managed to do some school work with Little One and make applesauce cake with her in honor of the new fall season. We even made our own applesauce from scratch!!!! It smells so good in our house right now; the air is filled with the scent of apples, cinnamon and cloves. Yummy!!! I can't wait to go taste the cake!

A Walk Through the Past

2008-09-24T06:11:00.000-04:00

At around 8:30pm last night we received a frantic telephone call from the girlfriend of a friend of ours. Apparently, the motel they live at was visited by the local police due to a complaint of someone throwing rocks at windows there. Everyone was required to produce identification; our friend's ID lead to a discovery of an outstanding warrant, which lead to him being hauled away to jail (again). Feeling bad because I know this guy is truly trying to get his life together at this point, I searched online trying to find out what the charges are and where he is being held, to no avail. Possibly he wasn't in the system yet; I will try to locate him today although by now his girlfriend might know what's going on.

Although my online search did not yield any information with regard to the arrest of the above mentioned person, it did lead me to the discovery of another person, a man I dated very briefly several years ago. A guy I broke up with because he had too many problems for me to deal with at that piont in my life. I'd punched his name into the computer out of curiousity; I wondered if he'd managed to stay out of trouble for awhile. Suddenly, there he was, listed as in inmate in a central Florida jail, probation revoked for some sort of offense committed. The picture was shocking-sunken cheeks, vacant eyes, lined face betraying years of self abuse. Someone else might have scoffed in self righteous glory, "Look at that stupid drug addict" or something like that. We all tend to pass judgement based upon appearances, no matter how much we don't care to admit to doing so. The thing is, I knew this guy once. I'd actually managed to crack the veneer briefly; I recall his eyes lighting up only once, when he told me the stories of his former days in the rodeo. These were the days before crack cocaine became his lover, his friend, his partner in crime. Before it robbed him of any hope at a normal or truly enjoyable life. I liked the guy beneath the surface; behind the machismo he was really just a vulnerable, lost soul. Unfortunately, the personality in command of this soul was now a violent, angry being, prone to sudden outbursts and vicious attacks. He once left five messages on my answering machine, each one increasingly nastier, because he called while I was out and was not there to answer his calls. He was extremely jealous, controlling and distrustful. In the days when I was just a friend of his, hanging out with his motorcycle club buddies, I witnessed (albeit from outside the bar-the guys inside the bar told me the story) him beat up a guy for dancing with his ex-girlfriend, to the point where the man had to be hospitalized. I'm truly not sure why I ever even considered dating this guy. In my life today, this is someone with whom I would never even socialize; I hate violence, and I stay away from the things that invite craziness and tragedy into my life-drugs, alcohol, denial of the serious issues that arise as the road of life dips and rises and winds. At that point in my life, I was vulnerable, having just broken off a five year relationship with a man who was a bit crazy but basically good hearted and sober, a guy who'd I'd gotten to know heart and soul in a very deep way. I was in pain, lonely, willing to accept this guy with all of his problems because I knew the other side of his personality, the side that was fun and caring. I suppose that his woundedness attracted me as well; I thought I could help him. I thought there was some hope of recovery. My moment of clarity began at around 1am one night. I'd been asleep for a couple of hours when the telephone rang. I'd gone to bed that night with a feeling that something was deeply wrong but I couldn't pinpoint what it was and tried to dismiss the thought. I was drawn out of my stupor by the sound of G's voice, telling me he was in jail, having been arrested for a DUI. The next day revealed the whole story: he'd gotten drunk at a bar with some coworkers, attempted to drive home, and crashed into an older couple, putting at least one of them in the hospital. I was shocked and angered by the fact that he didn't seem to care that he'd hurt someone. His main concern was getting out of jail, and he insisted that I call down a whole list of phone numbers he'd provided me with earlier (I can't remember why) until I found someone who would help post his bond. Thankfully, I had neither the means nor the collateral to get him out myself and further embroil myself in the chaos that was his life. Apparently, all of his friends had tired of his insanity as well; even his motorcyle club buddies refused to provide me with any help. Finally, I reached his sister's husband, who accompanied me to the office of the bailbondsman, posted the bond, and took the long ride with me across Alligator Alley to the county where the jail was located. On the way there we talked and he asked me why a "nice girl like me" would get messed up with someone like his brother in law. He suggested that I run as soon as possible, and as fast as I could, away from the relationship.

My moment of clarity arrived at the jail later that night. As a sensitive, I could feel the anger, the sadness, the despair in that place. Just sitting in the waiting area sucked the life out of me. I watched as women arrived with children to visit Daddies who had been locked away; I tried to imagine the trauma a child must go through seeing a parent in that situation. The sight of a baby stroller in jail waiting room was almost horrific to me; it touched me in a visceral way. Suddenly, I was struck with the certainty that if I stayed with this guy I would one day be one of those women, visiting G in some prison or jail, child in my arms or by my side, wondering how the hell I got myself into such a dysfunctional situation. I said a silent "no f***ing way" and, though I felt a bit sorry for G, vowed that this would never happen to me. A couple of weeks later the relationship was over, and the second breakup (I'd broken the relationship off previously but returned due to promises of a serious attempt at recovery and professions of some sort of love) took. I was aware through mutual acquaintances that G's life didn't improve after our breakup. He lived for awhile in a bus in someone's backyard. Eventually he moved back to his hometown in Central Florida and that was the last news I heard until last night when I found his picture and information online.

Wow. The emotions of sadness and gratitude hit me like a tidal wave. I hope that one day this guy will "get it". I don't believe that hopelessness exists where there is still life and consciousness; every addict/alcoholic has the same possibility of recovery if he/she wants it. That's the key. A person has to want it. I don't know if G does; I know he did once, in some way, but the monster was too great for him to fight off by himself, and he always tried to put up the fight alone, even when he was in a program of recovery. Time will tell.

Entering the Season of Fall and Trying to Find Balance

2008-09-20T10:04:00.000-04:00

Little One and I have been back home now for a couple of weeks. We had a wonderful time up north; although I was horribly sick for the whole first week I was there we did a lot with my Mom and enjoyed the time we spent together. I have a bad feeling that it will be a long while before we are able to visit again, and that makes me sad but I'm grateful that we had such a great time and cherished every moment.

Shortly after we got back to Florida, N and I went back to check out a house we'd been looking at. I had mixed feelings about buying it; many friends advised that it was a great deal, but I'd experienced a very "heavy" feeling in one of the bedrooms and an reading I did later revealed some points that gave me pause. In the end, we decided against the purchase. During that final visit, another man showed up wanting to look at the house. As he walked around the grounds with us he pointed out the same problems that had concerned us. Just having someone else there helped N and me to gain some better perspective. The whole place seems to have been infested with termites, which are probably still there and the back rooms (which we had been unable to access previously) were not set up in such a way that we could work with. Too much work needed to be done, and it just didn't seem worth it. I feel relieved. The negative feelings I'd experienced during that first trip inside the house had troubled me. I'd rather buy a home that N and I both feel good about, and not one that needs to be completely renovated before we can get settled in.

On another note, I put up our fall decorations yesterday. If we can't enjoy the brightly colored leaves of my native Northeast and aren't experiencing the slight chill in the air that this season brings to those who don't live in subtropical climates, at least we can feel a bit of the season in the comfort of our home!

Shippin' Up to Boston

2008-08-22T06:48:00.000-04:00

My little one and I are flying up to Boston tomorrow morning to visit with family and just enjoy the vibes of home for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I won't be online blogging and will miss everyone in my absence. I'm looking forward to the trip but I will miss N and my animals down here. Last year he met us up north for a few days but this year, due to his work being very busy and the events of this past week, he can't make it up. I'm not sure how the two weeks will play out as I have no real game plan, but that my usual m.o. and usually things work out.

On another good note, our friend who was in the truck wreck is doing well, and it turned out that N has gap insurance which will cover the money not given back to him by the insurance company. A friend of ours is selling a truck so this all might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. N will be rid of a truck payment and will owe his friend less than half of what he still had to pay off on his wrecked truck.

Have a blessed two weeks, everyone!!!! I'm off to my beloved Boston!!!!

Halloooooo Faye!!!!

2008-08-18T14:30:00.000-04:00

I thought I would post a quick blog tonight, since there is a real possibility that tomorrow our power will be out (though I hope not). Tropical Storm Faye is already notifying us of her presence. We are right now experiencing bands of rain which begin softly and graduate to downpours. Later tonight we are expected to receive LOTS of rain, along with heavy winds. I sincerely hope that the earlier part of the day is not a portent to things to come. One of N's guys wrecked his truck in the earlier part of the day today; a wreck on the highway in which, thankfully, no one was hurt except for the truck. The truck is damaged on all sides; someone who was driving a bit too fast for the road conditions apparently lost control of his own truck and slammed into E, who, in turn, slammed into a wall and spun around. It seems that every side of the truck is now decorated with dents and scrapes and it had to be towed away. Fortunately, the guy at fault has insurance, the claim has already been filed (after a few telephone calls and much repeating of information by my husband), and the wheels have been set into motion (no pun intended). We are keeping our proverbial fingers crossed that the truck won't be totaled and that this whole mess can be sorted out quickly. N is driving a rental Dodge Avenger at the moment; we drove through the rain to pick it up so he will at least have a vehicle. (Abundant sighs....) So, now we're hunkered down for the night (well, N drove over to Home Depot to buy some gas for our stove in case the power goes down in the night) and I'm going to cook some hot dogs and mac and cheese, give Little One a bath, and snuggle down as far into the covers as I can.

Make Love Not War

2008-08-08T04:10:00.000-04:00

Most of of us have probably heard the saying, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I certainly have found this question to be necessary in my life quite often over the past few years; I think that anyone involved in any sort of close relationship can gain a measure of perspective from it. I became upset over a perceived injustice last night. N and I each have two nights when we go out on our own for an hour or so. I treasure that time because it provides me with an opportunity to refresh and to replenish my energy. Most days I feel like I spend lots and lots of time trying to make other people happy (as many of us do) with little time left over for my own pursuits. Such is the nature of being a parent and a spouse and most days I'm really okay with it (I waited a long time to be blessed with a family). Still, those two days help me to stay centered and calm and not so crazy. Last night N announced that he will be playing paddleball with the boys on Thursday night, one of my nights. While he offered to bring Little One down to the beach with him, this is not really a solution for me. The beach is crowded at night, there are lots of strange people wandering around down there, and I won't be able to focus on anything I'm doing if I'm worried about where my daughter is and what she's doing. Of course, he would have someone watching her, but who I don't know. I don't even know if he's figured the whole scenario out yet. Besides that, we've been talking about trying to get her on more of a routine and keeping her out late on a Thursday is not going to help in that cause. At any rate, I was upset; why can't I just have that night, like I have for a long time now, to go out and not have to worry about anything? I felt hurt and angry. Once I began to think about the situation, though, to reframe a bit, I calmed (of course, this took me the entire night). Looking at my little girl this morning, sleeping soundly beside us (she awoke at 6AM and wandered into our room-it's almost a ritual these days), I thought about how some day she will be grown and I will look back on the time I spent with her as a child and wish for that time back. I thought about how much I enjoy having her with me during the day, how she takes mundane errands and turns them into joyful adventures. I thought about the impermanence of everything in life. I thought about how precious energy should not be wasted on anger and resentment that I have no desire in nursing anyway. This morning, peering over my coffee cup at the man with whom I share my life, I felt a sense of love and peace.

Update

2008-08-06T05:52:00.000-04:00

We checked out the house yesterday, and the amount of work that would need to be done to this place in order to create a halfway pleasant living environment is daunting. Give me a New England farmhouse over most of what I see down here any day. I'm a feeling a bit depressed by this whole house hunting venture.

On another note, I'm feeling overwhelmed in general. I have tons to do today; I awoke bleary eyed and tired this morning to a notepad full of urgent tasks to be completed. I am looking forward to running to the refuge of New England for a couple of weeks; I need some down time with my family up north (although trips like this present their own measure of stress). My dream is to open a small gallery where I and local artists could show their work, be it painting, sculpture, jewelry. Not having enough time to paint lately, I've been putting together a bit of my own jewelry and enjoy it quite a lot, so maybe I've hit on a new creative avenue. At least it provides me with some sort of outlet to the insanity that is my life most days (not that I mind the insanity most days-I still need an outlet, though!). Ah, a little art gallery in the heart of New England; tis a nice dream....

The Search for a House Continues

2008-08-05T06:18:00.000-04:00

We are going to look at a house this afternoon, one which N and I checked out a couple of days ago from the outside but not the inside (we were not with the realtor). Yesterday, N stopped by the property and knocked on the door; the owner happened to be there, is eager to sell the place, and allowed him entry so he could have a better look. His impression was mixed. The house is located on a beautiful peice of land, with a canal behind it (which has ocean access much further down). There is also a park behind the house, which means that all of the beautiful trees currently shading the area will remain (unless a hurricane tears through the area and decimates everything). The house itself is in quite a state of disrepair. The owner has been allowing homeless people to camp out there, which means that we might have some problems once we move in as far as letting people know that the home is no longer open for vacancies. Additionally, there will be MAJOR cleaning to be done before we can even think about moving in there with our almost four year old. On top of that, there is a leak in the roof which will need to be fixed, and we would need to make sure the leak has not caused serious mold encroachment. The house will need to be thoroughly examined before we can sign any type of real deal, but I'm willing to take a look. The neighborhood is a very nice one, with houses selling in the near $300,000.00 range and if we fixed the house up it could be beautiful. I'm good with designing/decorating and N is in the construction business, so we have an advantage on those fronts. He told me that he would have to build on an addition for the house to really big large enough for us to live in, but the lot is huge and we can do things slowly, over time. The truth will be revealed at 4PM!!!!!

(Obviously, the picture above is not the house; I borrowed the image from a site called Wikimedia Commons!)

Monday Monday

2008-07-28T15:43:00.000-04:00

I've taken a bunch of new pictures but have not yet been able to find the time to upload any of them into my computer. Since I don't feel like purusing the internet right now, I'll skip showing a picture today. My brain feels like overcooked scrambled eggs right now; I managed to more or less stick to a schedule of sorts today, which resulted in a good day for my little one and I. I made it to the gym, had a good workout, took Bebe to the library, and came home to do some work for N. About all I can think about is the pizza that is sitting on the table downstairs and how comfortable my bed is going to be. I hope to be in it in time to watch the first new episode of "Paranormal State"!!!! Anyway, today went well for a Monday and I have no complaints. Happy new week, everyone!!!

Tuesday

2008-07-22T12:27:00.000-04:00

So, it doesn't look like N is interested in the house, and I can understand. With an almost four year old child and the crime rates being what they are (as in high) here in South Florida, it isn't a great idea to move into a questionable neighborhood. I don't mean any disrespect to the people who live there; it's not that bad, but it's probably not the place for us. Little One wasn't feeling well earlier but she seems to be better now. I did some work for N while she worked on a little workbook she has which I ordered online recently. It has all kinds of magical images in it and she had fun coloring and tracing over the letters and trying to write her own. As she grows she is beginning to understand more and more and I'm slowly introducing the idea of spirituality, albeit in a limited way. She doesn't really understand the concept of God/Goddess at this time. I can't remember how old I was when such things began to enter my mind. I do remember being extremely curious at a very young age, and being very sensitive. Happy Tuesday to all!

House Hunting

2008-07-21T06:39:00.000-04:00

First of all, my bad for posting a photo on Saturday that was previously used. As I said, I'm a little pressed for time these days and sometimes I do things like that. Last week I purchased two identical pairs of pj's for my daughter and didn't have a clue until I'd arrived home and took the clothing out of the bag!!!!

On another note, we did some house hunting yesterday, just a little of our own research. We checked out the house above a few days ago, but the day was rainy and dark and the whole neighborhood looked much bleaker that day than it did when we looked again yesterday. This would definitely be a great first home; the only thing I'm not sure about is the price since it's listed in a couple of different places for different prices, the lowest price being with the realtor with whom my husband spoke. The neighborhood is so so; people around this area seem to keep their houses and the surrounding areas clean and everyone who passed by gave us a friendly "hello". Who knows???? We haven't spoken with the realtor about walking through the inside, but I was able to download some pictures online and it appears to be well kept and spacious. My husband and I walked around the property, fantasizing about all the sprucing up we could engage in. We should know soon exactly what the mortgage broker can offer us, then we will have a better idea with regard to what we can afford. In spite of the neighborhood where this house is located being iffy (there is an ugly industrial area nearby) I felt a good energy when I was there. I had a vision of us hanging out on the front porch and hanging up plants.

Putting solid roots down in South Florida is kind of scary for me; one more step in the direction of "I'm not moving back to Mass.". While I understand on an intellectual level that I probably will not be moving back home, my heart still holds out a bit of hope, I suppose. I miss my family so much; it's difficult being away from them. New England is a part of my soul, and there is still a spirit of longing within me for her piney woods and old architecture, for the marshy smell of the beach on the Cape. I have my little family here, though, and with the economy being shaky and my husband's company being here moving isn't a viable option. I'm happy where I am. Still, that spirit of longing has a life of it's own...

I hope that this new week finds all of you well!!!

Saturday

2008-07-19T15:37:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in awhile, mainly due to a lack of time and a need to arrange my priorities. With an almost 4 year old and an artistic spirit, it's difficult to "fit it all in" in the space of twelve or so hours. Since I've never been a morning person, I'm going through an adjustment phase of learning how to be more functional in the hours of early sunlight. Also, I'm having to learn how to get into bed earlier, which has never been an easy feat for me. I love being up at night, but it's not practical anymore; my little one gets crazy if kept up too late and after she goes to bed I'm usually exhausted.

Hubby and I are in the early stages of trying to acquire a home. We have been paying rent for a long time, have tired of always wondering when the next move will be necessary, and would like to have a home base that is stable, for the sake of our daughter. I suppose we want the stability as well!!! We visited with a mortgage guy today and while things don't look as good as we'd hoped, they look reasonable good. We might have to come up with more of a down payment if we want to buy the type of home we'd like to purchase. This is both an exciting and scary time!

Find Jennifer Kesse

2008-07-02T05:50:00.000-04:00

I saw a show on 48 Hours last night which troubled me. Maybe it's because I'm a Mom, or because I am a woman living in Florida, or because this girl is just so vibrant and beautiful. Probably it's all of those things. Please check out this link and maybe add it to your own site. This woman's parents and family are desperate to discover what happened to her and where she is, and whoever harmed her is still freely roaming the streets. Thanks.

http://jenniferkesse.com/

Small Miracles

2008-06-26T05:24:00.000-04:00

Small miracles happen every day, if we're willing to accept that they happen, are open to them, and are willing to acknowledge them. A couple of days ago I ran into a woman who I've met a few times before but never talked with much. We entered into an interesting and wonderful conversation, and before we parted ways she lent me a book which she'd been carrying around in her car. It's a book about empowerment, about the magic of feminine energy. It was just what I needed to read this week. She became a reflection of the Goddess, this woman, and I'm so grateful for that for that. I've been asking to be connected to like souls lately. I've been in deep need of connection with good, honest people, and I've met at least two women who seem to fit this criteria over the past couple of months (although I'm not always the best about calling people back and so have trouble sometimes in nurturing relationships the way I'd like to-commitment issues???). It seems that our Higher Power finds us in those moments when we are open, when we are such great need to spiritual strength and guidance, when we are willing to shift our energies just a little bit and allow some room for letting go. Because I prayed and meditated this morning, because I followed some of the guidance found in some spiritual books I've recently read and am currently reading, I was able to talk on the telephone this morning with someone at a County office and stay calm and friendly. I imagined him not as some mean guy in control, but rather as a regular guy who goes home at night to a wife who loves him, maybe kids who love him, who has a few beers with the guys after work-that sort of thing. I thought of him as a regular person, like me, and as a result I was not defensive on the telephone and was able to have a nice conversation and find a reasonable means toward resolving a problem which yesterday I'd blown up in my mind to monstrous proportions.

And so, today, I breath a bit easier, and pray that this calm and peace will remain within my soul throughout the day...

Bad Attitude

2008-06-25T15:43:00.000-04:00

I hate dealing with beaurocratic nonsense. Even more than that I detest dealing with the people who initiate beaurocratic nonsense. It has become increasingly difficult to do business in Miami these days. Barring an angry and obnoxious tirade, that's all I will say; I don't want to plumb the depths of my own rage for fear that ignorant and horrible things will spill forth onto the page. As human beings we do sometimes allow ignorance to get the better of us when our minds are consumed with some sort of problem which has lead us to a resentment.

John William Waterhouse is one of my favorite artists. His women are so sensual, his paintings so full of intensity. This particular painting caught my eye tonight because what I would like to do with a particular citation and a particular jerk associated with N is throw them into a big cauldron and swirl them around together for awhile. Fortunately, I do not believe in bad majic and do believe in the law of return. I also believe in karma. I've seen it in action, in my own life and in the lives of others, and it's a bitch sometimes. I do tire of the dishonesty and backstabbing which seems to be so prolific in South Florida. As well, I feel that protecting oneself is allowed and I encourage others to do so as I try to protect myself and my own family in appropriate ways.

On another note, I had a nice conversation with a woman a couple of days ago, someone who I've met before but never really talked with at great length. In the course of our conversation, she mentioned that she had a book in her car which had fallen off a shelf a few days earlier. She said that perhaps it was me who needed to read it, and she offered to let me borrow it. As I scanned the cover, I noticed it was decorated with a Goddess figure. I began reading it last night and it is a great book, probably just what I need to be reading at this point in time, when my inner strength is being called upon more than it has in quite some time. I'm at a point along the road where I need to be solid within myself, confident and independent, and definite about who I am and what I believe in. In the past month or so two different women have come into my life who follow the Old Ways to varying degrees. I marvel at how much I'm called back in that direction every time I stray away, and am reminded of what a cherished friend told me recently-that this way is not for everyone, but those who are called are called for a reason. And so, I turn again to spirit to quell my rage, to calm my spirit, and to once again become a rational person. Trust me when I say that this crazy Irish girl from Boston needs all the help she can get!

Wednesday

2008-06-18T05:38:00.000-04:00

This picture was taken from my back "yard". Some days I feel truly blessed to live in a subtropical place! When I took the shot I didn't think the sunrise colors would show up so well but I guess digital can do amazing things. When I looked at the picture in my camera, I was happy to find that the mood of the morning was captured accurately.

I have been sleeping horribly every night since N has been away. I'm not sure why; maybe just the idea of him not being home and the anxiety that stirs up? Last night the dining room light went off and on all by itself, while the other lights downstairs stayed on. That spooked me, and when I didn't hear from N after that (he's been calling every night) I became worried. My Step Mom said that probably it was my Dad messing around with us, and I didn't feel any bad energy in the room, but I still felt spooked. I took some pictures in the upstairs hallway/stairway landing, but nothing showed up in the resulting shots and probably I'm just being paranoid. I'm planning a trip to the gym this morning, once I get my little one up and out the door and that should improve my mood, which is leaning toward grumpy today!

St. Francis Orbs

2008-06-17T06:01:00.000-04:00

I love reading about paranormal activity and have had many experiences on my own, although I have never captured anything out of the ordinary on film. This picture was taken by a friend of ours at St. Francis Mission, which is a church but also a place where people go to find recovery from addiction. There are quite a few people who have entered this Mission seeking recovery; not all have made it and it would not be hard to believe that some of them could be hanging around in spirit form. Due to the transparency of the orbs, I tend to think they might simply be dust particles. Recently, I read that orbs tend to be more solid, rather than transparent or containing "faces". I don't know too much about this, though; I am still learning. At any rate, it's an interesting picture. I look forward to taking some of my own, maybe on a digital camera. Because I didn't capture this shot, I don't know if it was taken with a flash or what the light conditions in the room were.

Hooray!!!!

2008-06-16T10:25:00.000-04:00

I just received the confirmation that N is flying back on Friday; he should be in sometime shortly after noontime (although these flights can take longer due to the need to stop in Customs). I am so happy that he is confirmed to come back, less happy that he has to fly on one of these little planes. I will be very happy when he is safely back on U.S. soil, although I'm not sure how "safe" of a place Miami these days. I say this laughing, but not altogether kiddingly. Last night we hung out with a girl friend of mine and now we're going the library. I've been keeping busy and things have been okay, but there's this little hole.....I do tend to believe that when we marry someone with whom we are deeply and truly in love, our souls join in some way, so that when one is away from the other there exists a feeling of something being missing. This doesn't mean that we can't exist and be happy while we're alone, for we create our own happiness or sadness. It just means that we feel more complete when our beloved is close again.

Shalom.

Sunday Morning

2008-06-15T06:11:00.000-04:00

Little One and I had a very uneventful day yesterday, in spite of all my grand plans. Having experienced a fitful night of sleep on Friday night, I could not get up on time yesterday and found us still at home at 3pm, feeling at once completely unmotivated to travel anyplace and guilty for not getting us out. Today I think we will meet up with a girl friend of mine to peruse the local flea market and have some lunch.

Happy Father's Day to all of the fathers out there!!!! I have gifts and cards for my beloved, but he won't receive them until he returns home; we decided to wait so that he could enjoy them without feeling rushed. Since my own father died when I was twenty years old, I have conflicting feelings about the holiday. Even after all of the years that have passed, I find myself in tears at the greeting card display while searching for a card for my husband, although the sadness has dissipated quite a bit since I've married and had a child of my own. My husband is a fantastic father and a husband beyond my wildest dreams, and it's hard to be deeply grateful and deeply sad at the same time! Besides that, my father still comes to me once in awhile, to let me know he's around and watching out for me. At least once he's literally saved my life.

On a completely different note, I think my mind is slipping. Either I have too many thoughts simultaneously dancing around in my head at any given hour of the day, or I need to start performing some of those memory enhancing exercises!!! I believe the problem to be more the former, but a bit of mind exercise probably wouldn't hurt. This morning while typing at the computer, I noticed my wedding set was not on my finger. Panic!!!! Where are my rings??? Did they slip off somehow without my noticing while I was cleaning the breakfast dishes? A quick search of my little green jewelry box quelled the fear; there were my rings, safely nestled among the others I usually wear, yet I have no recollection of having removed them and placed them there. A few days ago I noticed that my claddaugh ring was missing, then realized I'd never put it on. I swore during my frantic search (the ring was given to me at the age of sixteen by a dear friend and has much emotional value) that I'd placed it on my finger, but obviously it had never found its way there that morning, since it too was located in the aforementioned jewelry box. Since my daughter is three years of age, I can't blame my memory lapses on "mommy brain"; they aren't hormone related. Perhaps, though, I need to become a tiny bit more focused on the tasks at hand and try to avoid thinking about twenty things at one time. This will be hard for my ADD challenged mind to do, but probably necessary for my continued sanity!

Feeling Pretty Calm Today

2008-06-10T07:17:00.000-04:00

I really am feeling a sense of peace today (although that could melt away on Thursday, after N leaves-I'm such a wimp!!!). The sky is overcast, with just a small patch of blue peeking through a corner of my window. I like rainy days once in awhile; I think that perpetual sunshine is bad for the soul (not to mention my hair). A good friend lit a candle for me for strenght and it seems to have helped. I actually did not know she'd done it until after I started feeling better. When she advised that she'd done a little ritual to help me get through these minor rough patches in my current life I thought, "Oh, no wonder I suddenly started to feel better!!!" And it really was sudden; I woke up one morning recently feeling a sense of inner peace, with not as much of my separation anxiety screaming it's keening-like song in my head. That said, I am trying to get N a flight booked out of Haiti for when he gets the job finished. The company for whom he's working gave him an open ended ticket and I need the information with regard to that ticket in order to get him booked on a flight for next Friday, which is currently available but might not be in a day or so (the airplanes only have 16 or 18 seats on them, or something like that). In the meantime, I have tons of things to do today, culminating in soccer with Little One and possibly a date with my husband before Haiti Day. The latter activity depends, of course, on the babysitter coming to our rescue on short notice. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Peace to all and have a good Tuesday.

That Time Again

2008-06-05T04:43:00.000-04:00

It seems like I was just raving about how happy I was that N had returned home, and now it's almost time for him to leave again. This time around, I'm sad but also grateful that we have this job going on. The economy is very scary. Prices are skyrocketing faster than the dollar amounts in paychecks. Foreclosures are rampant here in Florida; it seems like every few nights the evening news is broadcasting some type of story about people losing their homes. Criminals are becoming bolder, attacking people in parking lots during the daytime hours and robbing homes in broad daylight. Just a couple of days ago, here in Florida, a family had their (very large) boat taken from their driveway, while the daughter slept and the neighbors went about their business. This happened during the day, yet none of the neighbors took notice and the criminals got away easily. A close friend showed my husband a house in Fort Lauderdale yesterday; a nice house that is close to possibly being in our price range. We are going to look at this weekend, maybe. The idea of buying a home is frightening, though. How will finances be next year? Next week? Next month???? Will we get any new jobs that offer substantial money? Will I be able to homeschool my daughter, as I'd like to do, or will I have to find outside work? I'm considering some sort of home job doing something artistic, but the issue of time weighs heavy on me. I never seem to have the extra time to create for any length of time, and if people are struggling to pay their bills they aren't going to pay to buy artwork. Hope, faith, prayer, are important right now.

On a positive note, I'm getting ready for the Summer Solstice. My energy is good today and in spite of being a bit fearful of what the future might bring, I'm in a positive mood.

Ah, Love

2008-05-19T13:35:00.003-04:00

My husband recently returned home from a trip to a far away place which he took for business. I was not happy about him leaving, and was even unhappier to actually experience him being away. In the four years of our marriage separation has been a rare event and I've been grateful for that. Normally N's work doesn't neccessitate him leaving town, without us or otherwise, but with the economy as slow as it is taking a job in Haiti seemed like a good move; hopefully it will be completed quickly and we can put this chapter of life behind us. I am thankful that he will only be gone for short intervals and not extended periods of time. I realized last week that I would make a horrible military wife!

When I mentioned being saddened by his absence I was suprised by some of the reactions I received. Some women responded with hoots that they would love to have their husbands leave town for awhile; they would enjoy the time alone. Other people commented on the need for independence, mistakenly thinking that I missed my husband because I somehow could not function without him here. The wonderful thing I realized in N's absence is that I did not miss him because I absolutely needed him here. I missed him for all of the little things that make up our life together: the smiles across the dinner table, the cuddles (etc...) at night, the way his cheeks dimple when he smiles, the deep vibration of his voice when he's holding me, hearing him stomp through the door at night in his workboots after a day of work. There's so much more than this, but I'll stop here as I can hear some of you gagging. Really, though, it's not dependence (or codependence) that made me a little depressed after a couple of days here without my partner. It was a deep sense of connection, a real, true love. A feeling of a huge part of me being missing; a peice of my soul being disconnected.

I'm not looking forward to N's next trip out (the travel arrangements are a bit shaky for my taste-too much uncertainty once he gets there as to how he will be getting home and when). I will be sad when he leaves and will probably count the days until his return. But, it's nice to have the realization of what a HUGE gift I've been given in my husband. Since I believe that G-d has a hand in everything and that most of the adversity we experience is his way of teaching us something that will help us to grow, I believe that this is part of what he needed to show me and to show us. We can go it alone when necessary, but it's a whole lot more fun to face life with our partner by our side, cheering us on.

So Many Lies Being Spread About Israel

2008-05-08T09:33:00.002-04:00

Please take a minute to read this:

http://www.jewishworldreview.com/0508/nakba.php3?printer_friendly

Obama

2008-05-07T19:49:00.002-04:00

Curious about Barrak Obama's stance on Israel, I began searching the internet for articles regarding this subject. I found different points of view, some pointing to him supporting Israel and American Jewry, and others showing him as an appealing candidate to terrorist groups who would like to see Israel destroyed. As a Jewish American woman, and a Democrat, this disturbs me greatly. I just read this peice http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2008/04/hamas_agrees_with_jews_who_wor.html as well as another article in which the writer seems to feel that Obama is trying to cozy up to Jewish voters in the 11th hour by offering a great deal of lip service to the concerns of Jewish Americans with regard to Israel. It's hard to discern where the truth lies, but it does disturb me that Obama has affiliations with a church whose leader is a racist and possible anti-semite. More research will need to be done before I am convinced that this man should be our next President. As the clock ticks and the picture grows dimmer for Hillary (although it's not over yet) I am forced to consider other options should she be dropped from the card. I am loathe to vote for a Republican, but am even more loathe to vote for someone who sympathizes with Palestinian terrorists and who cares very little about Israel's right to existence (if this is true).

More Car Troubles

2008-04-21T18:06:00.000-04:00

Well, went out and did a bunch of errands today, after having a great weekend (during which my car seemed to be running just fine). I came out of the supermarket with my little one, got into the car, turned the key and.....nothing but a very disappointing chuga chuga sound followed by silence. After a few more efforts (which yielded still more chuga chuga sounds) I called N again and he, once again, came to our rescue. This time we brought the car to the mechanic, who promptly diagnosed my little car as having a bad alternator. Oh, and the new battery was dead as a door nail as well, having been dutifully powering my car for me all on its own over the past four days. Thankfully, the battery was warranteed and we didn't get charged for another one. Unfortunately, the rest of the work was quite costly. Fortunately, they were able to fix it tonight and now my car is back home. I'm glad the problem is fixed; it's no fun getting stuck relatively far away from home!!!! It's kind of sad that as I sat in the parking lot of the supermarket with my hood up no one save for a young guy came over to ask me if I needed any help. Plenty of people looked at me curiously, but no one offered their assistance. Sad.

Thursday Hellos

2008-04-17T05:34:00.000-04:00

Just a girl and her cat on a Thursday morning, checking in while thinking about life and how the decisions we make effect us and those around us, and the reasons for the fear that sometimes keeps us from having the great life we desire and deserve and are meant to have. As children, we all possess dreams of who we want to be "when we grow up", but as adults so often we get thrust into rolls we never really wanted to have, unsure of how we got there. I'm not speaking for myself in the now-there are lots of things I want to do, but I'm deeply and truly happy about where I am in this moment. If I rewind back to a few years ago, though, I found myself in a law office, gaining valuable experience in the workplace but deeply bored, feeling a bit stuck because quitting would have meant losing the money that was paying for my car, my health insurance, money for rent, and barely enough for living. A wonderful colleague of mine who has since moved to New York City (and I'm so happy for her that she took that leap) would often ask me what I was doing there. We'd be in the mailroom, trying to finish up the day's work so we could bust out of the drudgery for the evening, and she would cock her head to one side, study my face, and say, "You're an artist. Why are you here, working in a law office?" Indeed, the area around my desk at the time was plastered with pictures of rock climbing in Colorado, the city scape of Boston, family members who I missed, and the colors on my computer changed on almost a daily basis because I'd get tired of looking at the same old grey tones. I used to joke that this was a desparate attempt to infuse my daily life with some creativity. By the time I got home I would be so burned out, my energy completely sapped, that I'd have little motivation to do anything aside from go to a meeting, eat a bit of dinner, and collapse on the couch. After fielding telephone calls all day long the sound of my own phone ringing would make me cringe. Anyway, why is it that some of us don't follow our dreams and desires, our true dreams and desires? Why do we think they are so out of reach, only meant for someone else? If everyone allowed themselves to succumb to this belief, we would have no Abraham Joshua Heshels, no Colin Farrels, no Albert Einsteins, no Jacque Cousteaus, no Conrad Ankers. While I'm asking all of these questions, why do I believe this? A few months ago I was at an art show with N in Miami. We walked up and down rows of booths, some displaying paintings, some showing sculptures created from various materials, some boasting antique jewelry, some packed with gorgeous Judaic artwork and religious items. One of my favorite stops was at the booth of an older man who splits his time between New York City and Florida. His work consisted of paintings of New York City, wonderful scenes of daily life in the Big Apple. I talked with him for awhile about his artwork, about New York, and about how lucky he was to have the opportunity to spend his time in two super cool places and stay warm throughout the year. His eyes lit when he spoke of his love for his home city and about his creative passion. I walked away feeling inspired and wondering why I hadn't taken the same leap. I suppose time is always an issue, but this morning I read something in a magazine over breakfast that made me think twice about the "not enough time theory". We need to follow our passions even when we're tired, even when we don't feel like it, even when we don't think we have anything left to give to the effort. We might be surprised at how much fuel we pile onto our creative fire when we honor our muse. Part of the reason I keep a blog is that I love to write. Why have I never pursued a job in writing? Part of the reason is that I went to school for art, not journalism, but maybe I limit myself with this type of rationale. I've written for a local paper and received nothing back but positive commentary. In fact, a few people recently mentioned that they missed my column and wondered when I would be writing it again. My Papa, of Blessed Memory, once told me that I should be a writer, because it was something that came easily to me and that I did well. My Papa was a business owner, who created a prosperous and good life for his family through his business. He was also a highly ethical and generous soul, a person who lived Judaism the way it's supposed to be lived, using his prosperity not only to enjoy his own life, but also to help others around him live a little more prosperously. In short, he was a wise man and someone for whom I have an abundance of respect. I will carry his memory and his faith in me today as I launch myself back into the world, busily doing the jobs I need to complete for N's business (which keeps us fed and living under a roof), as well, hopefully, as a few things that I need to do for my spirit and for my little one's spirit. Have a great Thursday.

Another Lazy Sunday

2008-04-13T13:00:00.002-04:00

Although it might not be so lazy, as I realized upon entering my "computer zone" that I actually have a little smattering of work to do today! Yesterday was spent wandering around Boca Raton. Me and family made the drive up there yesterday to look at a house we are thinking about renting. We want to buy something, and this house is also for sale, but the owner will consider renting it for awhile also. Due to the less than desirable school system in the area where we live, as well as a few other factors, N and I are thinking about making a move away from here. The house is located in a nice area, near a good school, a park, and lots of shopping which is nearby but not right in the back yard. We both got a good feel from the neighborhood; it felt very safe to me and there were lots of basketball hoops in driveways, kids toys, etc, which indicates to us that there are many families living there. One of the problems we have been encountering in our current digs is the lack of other "family people" to hang out with. Most of the people we know are still single and living the single life. We have a three year old and would love to meet some other people who have kids, who live their lives within the perameters of having children. It's not that we don't love the friends we have; we do, and will miss them if we leave. But, it felt good up there yesterday, better than I thought it would feel. I think that it's time for a change; we've been feeling that for awhile and this might be the opportunity we need. If we can't buy the house, at least we will be further north, venturing further toward the area where we want to live. Some prayer and mediation will hopefully help us to come to a conclusion. We don't have much time to think about it, because the owner needs an answer so that he can either continue trying to sell the place or take it off the market.

On another note, I miss A's blogging. It's very sad that there are sick, crazy people in the world who keep us from enjoying some of the things we become accustomed to, such as reading the blogs of old friends and blogging ourselves. I hope he will be back soon and I hope psycho-stalker will decide to run along her own merry way and get the professional help she so desperately needs.

Been Away!

2008-04-06T00:06:00.003-04:00

My computer was attacked by a virus, so I've had no access. Why do people send such evil rubbish out into cyberspace?? After lugging my computer to Geek Squad and waiting for about 5 days, I'm back in the loop. The worst part of the whole thing was losing all of the work forms I've created over the past 4 years (stupid of me not to have backup, I know). Since it's now 12am and my eyes are blurring as I type (because I've spent the past two hours re-creating forms so I could get some work done), I think I'll go to bed. Missed everyone...

Easter Sunday

2008-03-23T11:06:00.002-04:00

I hope everyone out there in blogger space who celebrates Easter has a happy day today. I am supposed to be in the shower right now and will be momentarily, hopefully before N walks in the door, home from church. I'm such an irresponsible wife some days but I honestly try my hardest. There is a free spirit inside this wife and mommy that will never be anything but, and I have to work daily to integrate her wildness with the part of me who loves home, security and routine. That's one of the things which makes creativity so wonderful. I can channel my fears, frustrations, joys, etc. into my art and the energy generated creates a whole new story. Someone else might look at my photographs, drawings or paintings and find a new meaning, a meaning all their own which is just as valid because my art is generated (I believe) through my connection to a divine power, and it's not just about or for my own needs and wants. We are going to have Easter dinner with a friend of ours today, but I'm not sure what time we are supposed to be at his house, so I'd best get hopping (little Easter pun there-gag or laugh at will). It won't do to have my husband come home and find Little One and I still lying around in our jammies, although I must confess that's all I feel like doing today. Such a lazy girl, me, on Sunday.

Happy Ostara

2008-03-20T13:23:00.000-04:00

(Above picture from Llewllyn Witches Calendar 2000)

Happy Ostara/Vernal Equinox to all. Little One and I have been busily immersed in activities to celebrate the holiday, making and painting papier mache eggs, coloring in an Ostara coloring page, making hard boiled eggs to decorate. That last activity is going to be pushed back to tomorrow, since today has gotten away from us. All in all it has been a great day. I stuck to a schedule of some sort and we managed to get all of our errands done this morning and still make a trip to the park. After that we came home for lunch, where N was working ( a good thing in these scary financial times) and passed on a bunch of work to me. Thus, we didn't have time to decorate our eggs today, but will have a fun project to do tomorrow. I was in a great mood earlier, but now I feel a little bit grumpy. I'm not sure exactly why; possibly it has to do with an upcoming job N has taken. Although I think that being alone for short (maybe) stretches might be good for me in some ways, the things that are good for us spiritually are often painful in the beginning, and sometimes they are painful all the way through. I hate being separated from N. I do believe that the Goddess works in mysterious ways, and I've seen her work in my life often over the past couple of weeks. Too many things have happened to be called coincidence and I am clinging to that in the hopes that the coming months will yield some wonderful fruits, financially, artistically and spiritually. Time will tell!

Popping By

2008-03-14T16:44:00.003-04:00

I haven't written anything in days. I just don't have the time to write every day anymore. Really, I've never had the time, but here and there I can squeeze in some computer time. That said, I'm supposed to be doing some work right now.....I have been reading other blogs, and am amazed at how some people will just leave whatever comments they feel like leaving on someone's site (I'm talking about rude, nasty comments) without stating who they are. Is this about fear? Is it about worrying that other people will think them petty or silly or both? We all write online for different reasons. For me, it's about satiating my writing jones and keeping up some contact with an outside world farther away than outside my door and down the street. As a stay at home Mom, sometimes I feel isolated and a bit lonely. Sure, I have friends, but with my time schedule the way it is, I have very little down time. I'm inspired and get support from some of my online friends, and I have come back into contact with some old friends who now live far away as well, which has been wonderful. Some current correspondence I've entered into with a woman who I will most likely never meet in this lifetime has been helping me tremendously along the spiritual path I know is right for me (and thank you, A, for telling me to "dance like no one is watching"! You couldn't have put it better.), although I'm not sure she realized she was going to be a teacher when we first started "talking"! I hope I'm helping her as well. Sometimes maybe I put out too much. The fact is, when we type something into our computer and send it along it's merry way we don't know who is going to read our words. As an artist, an emotionally charged person, a person who "feels" so so so so much all the time, it feels natural to just blurt out what I'm feeling. I do try to refrain from giving anyone except for my close friends, people who I truly know, deeply personal information. But I try to be honest online, to "be who I write". If anyone doesn't like that, I guess they can just travel along the internet to another site! I don't know how to be anything other than who I am, and I don't have interest in being a fluffy blogger just because some people perusing blog sites think that people should refrain from talking about their true emotions. That said, thanks to those of you who listen kindly.

The above picture is a peice of a lithograph I did years ago. It looks better in its entirety, but what the hell.

Saturday Musings

2008-03-09T18:15:00.000-04:00

It's Saturday, N is working, and I am home alone with Little Bee. The sun is shining gloriously outside after a morning of angry rainstorms. Our tomato plants appear to be a bit battered by the onslaught. They need watering, but their delicate arms can't withstand too much battering the way they are staked. I think I will need to purchase some tomato cages and fence the little fellows in so that they will have a chance to produce come the strong sunshine of the summer. I find myself lonely today, and not just a tad homesick once again. The above picture is such a stereotype of northern Witchcraft, but, all humor aside, I did like Salem when I visited there. Although so much old anger lies in the soil of the old graveyards, the town has a very old New England feel to it. Granted, most people visiting there know very little about true Witchcraft, but I like that Laurie Cabot has shone a bit of light on that subject. It was her shop I first traveled to when I wanted to learn more, one summer day many years ago. I remember the trip like it was yesterday, buzzing along the highway on the back of my then boyfriend's motorcycle, clutching the too big helmet to my head and anticipating what it would be like to meet a REAL WITCH. I was so naive back then. When we entered Laurie's old shop (Crow Haven Corner) I was assailed by the heady fragrance of incense. It was as if magic hung in the air at that place; there were shelves of books discussing various subjects related to all things Witchy and magical, jewelry, ritual tools, interesting objects D'Art. Laurie was not there, only a quiet, mohawked girl behind the counter, wearing a chopped up t shirt with a pentacle screen printed on the front. I didn't purchase anything that day, but the seed was planted. Later, I bought a few of Laurie's books, which lead me to other books, and on and on I went on this spiritual quest. I've wandered the pathways of other religions since then, but I'm always called back to this one. An online friend told me that some of us hear a calling to the Pagan path, and that it's special when this occurs, and I think she's right. She also advised me recently that when we become seekers along the magical pathway, a God or Goddess will often choose to teach us. I smiled when I read this, since I am very attracted to Brighid and have been inspired to do a painting in her honor (of course, this means I need to finish the other painting on which I'm working...). I'm a bit lonely along this road. I found a local Pagan community while I was browsing online, but haven't attended any of their meetups yet. I believe they meet once a month. I am experiencing trepidation; is this fear of the unknown, fear of making any real sort of committment (which would need to be examined), fear of what N might think? Perhaps what I feel is a combination of all of these things. I have always been mainly solitary in my studies and ritual work. Venturing into a public arena is a bit scary for me; it means sharing very personal idea and beliefs, and I'm not used to doing that. In the everyday world, this type of belief system is so foreign as to be frightening to many people, and people tend to act with hostility when confronted with issues and/or beliefs that frighten them. Also in the shadows of my mind lurks the fear of betraying any sort of religious beliefs my family might have. I do feel connected to being Jewish and to having Catholic roots as well (although I'm more comfortable with my Jewish roots than my Catholic ones- I relate my Irish roots to a Pagan spiritual belief system). I try to incorporate different aspects of Judaism and Paganism into my life, but sometimes it's difficult to do this, since Judaism is completely incompatable with Paganism! The concept of One God eclipsed Pagan ideas when it came into being; those following a "One God" religion simply do not believe that there are other Gods/Goddess in existence and they definitely do not try to communicate with them or understand them on a deeply personal level. I feel that meeting other people who practice the Old Ways might help me to feel more comfortable with my own beliefs and experiences. Perhaps, in this Leap Year, it's time to take that leap of faith and sail into some uncharted territories, to climb mountains that I have not as yet mapped routes for. I know that once a route along a mountain is created, it's easier to climb it the next time, for the safety bolts have been anchored, and a bit of previous fear has been conquered. We've been introduced to companions who have traveled such routes before, thus giving us confidence that we too can pull ourselves up to greater spiritual heights, no matter how many little rocks and pebbles might occasionally shower down around us. We cling to the mountain, becoming, in a sense, one with her, letting her quiet strength penetrate our souls. I suppose I should be grateful for having a mind that constantly seeks and constantly questions and a soul which thirsts for a true connection with the Great Song, the Oran Mor, and my Guardian Spirits. I am grateful.

Busy Busy Busy

2008-02-29T08:45:00.000-05:00

After getting up late and thus experiencing a hectic morning of rushing around so I could get to the gym and get home to get other things accomplished, I feel a little better now. I almost didn't go to the gym, but in order to feel better after all of the running this morning and to have the energy to make it through the remainder of our day, I needed to go run for 25 minutes and lift some weights. I know that doesn't sound logical, but if you spend time at the gym you understand what I mean. It is AMAZING how much more centered and energetic I feel after running for two miles. I've pushed my time down to a twelve minute mile (I started at 15) and I feel good about that, even though a twelve minute mile is still considered to be kind of slow, according to a girl friend of mine who runs marathons. No matter. It's good for me! My next task is to do some paperwork for the business, then I'm taking Little One out to the garden shop at Home Depot so we can try to grow some "egg heads" with cress seeds. We saw a fun project on the Noggin channel and decided to try it out. She can paint faces on the eggs, then we'll grow the cress inside. While we're there I will pick up some soil for our garden. The recent rains have washed away all of the good, rich soil we had for our vegetable garden and I don't think the sandy stuff that is left over has much in the way of nutrients for growing plants. So far, the plants have yielded a hot pepper and a still growing bell pepper. We're going the organic route, which means that occasionally I have to go out and brush the bugs off the plants. Thankfully, we have a very small garden, otherwise I'd need to begin research on organic pest repellants. At some point, I hope that will be necessary but for now we have a humble "city garden"; enough to make our tiny back yard area pretty and green and welcoming to the occasional butterfly (even though we don't have butterfly plants back there yet). I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. We're going to hang out with a good friend on Sunday who is moving to Georgia. Everyone is leaving!!!!!!

Tuesday

2008-02-26T11:20:00.003-05:00

I've kept a safe distance from my computer over the past couple of days, save for checking my email. It is amazing how much extra time I seem to possess when I don't spend time blogging and surfing the internet. That said, I have realized that I need to spend more time away from my computer screen. I enjoy the computer; as a stay at home Mom it affords me an opportunity to catch glimpses of the outside world during this period of my life when sometimes I feel so sequestered. I will continue to blog and to puruse the internet world, but I think that I need to do so with greater discipline, which is something I so rarely seem to have in any area of my life.

On another note, the weather here has already taken a turn for HOT, and spring has not even kissed the ground yet. Of course, here in Florida winter is not a season that cloaks the earth in white and paints our windows with designs of crystal. Still, the temperatures don't usually reach the high 80's in February, and these days, when global warming seems to be so real in this southern part of the U.S., I like to eke out every bit of winter possible. Soon the humidity will lower over us like a shroud, making even the action of breathing cause to sweat profusely. The air conditioner in my little car will work feverishly to cool us, but the only relief to be had will be in running to the refuges of the mall or the supermarket. Our home is even hot in the summer; to keep the air low enough to make the place comfortable all season long is to court bankruptcy.

For today, there are errands to be run and then possibly a trip to a local park for Little One. Yesterday we did a St. Patrick's Day craft, making a shamrock mobile which is hanging above our kitchen table. She was so proud to show it to N when he stomped in from work last night; it makes me so happy when she greets him at the door with such gusto. I think that he must truly feel loved, having two women rushing to tackle him upon hearing the key in the lock!!!

A Very Quick Post

2008-02-21T17:30:00.002-05:00

Since I should be at a meeting right now, I'm going to keep today's post quick. Lately, I've been pondering the merits of a vegetarian diet again. Everyone who knows me well is accustomed to my fluctuations back and forth between a vegetarian diet and that of an omnivore. Usually, I manage to hold out sans meat for a few weeks before caving in to my carniverous cravings. Yesterday I read an article about possible meat contamination that made me think twice about the safety of our meat supply. The peice noted the issue of cruelty to animals as if such a thing only happened once in awhile. Anyone who reads PETA's website, or any website dedicated to the humane treatment of animals is well acquainted with the knowledge that animal cruelty is a part of everyday life in the world of animals being raised for circulation into our food supply. This, and not the issue of whether or not people were meant to eat other animals or whether it's healthy for us to do so has always been my main reason for abstaining from meat products. Animals who are not completely healthy, who can't walk on their own to the slaughterhouse, are killed every day for the purpose of being fed to American consumers. My goal here is not to tell anyone they shouldn't eat meat. To do so would be just a tad bit hypocrytical on my part. I did find this peice which I read today (not the original article mentioned above but still a good read) interesting and thought maybe someone else might want to read it. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080221/ap_on_re_us/slaughterhouse_abuse;_ylt=AlDRn5ognnFddvL4FDCyRIlH2ocA

Here is another good one: http://blog.peta.org/archives/2008/02/beef_recall_res_1.php

and another: http://www.goveg.com/factoryFarming_cows.asp

Okay, getting off the soapbox now and heading to my meeting.

Sunday Night Back Home

2008-02-17T16:19:00.000-05:00

We had a great time in Orlando, in spite of N's friend not contacting us until Saturday morning. We debated about making the trip, then decided to just go; we figured that if he didn't get in touch with us we could always go to Disney or SeaWorld! As it turned out, F hooked up with a girl at the tradeshow he'd flown down to attend, and we met up with him on Saturday morning. Friday night we stayed at an inexpensive hotel which was also occupied by many of the participants in a rodeo which took place on Saturday night. We really wanted to go to the rodeo but couldn't wait until 7PM on Saturday, so instead we went to a fair that was taking place at the rodeo grounds. Most of the rides were geared toward small children, so my daughter had a great time. We even talked my husband and his friend into taking a ride on the ferris wheel. N has a discomfort with heights that I wasn't familiar with until yesterday; I'm okay with heights as long as I feel like I'm not going to fall. Our daughter loved it! We even got F to come along. Later in the day we visited the Ripley's Believe it Or Not museum, which was a fun time. After eating a late dinner we all crashed; F had to catch a 6AM flight (bummer) so he was out by around 3AM. I finally got out of bed at 8AM; I couldn't take being kicked in the back or smacked in the face by my little one anymore. She tosses and turns ALOT when she sleeps, and for our little family to sleep in one bed usually means my husband and I don't get a quality night of sleep. Needless to say, tonight I will be sleeping VERY soundly.

(ps: picture above is not mine, but should be credited to westjet.com)

Shufflin' Off to Orlando

2008-02-15T09:41:00.002-05:00

Later this afternoon we are heading up to Orlando to visit with a childhood friend of my husband's who is down from Louisiana to attend a trade show. Since he'll be in town for a couple of days and will be bored after the show is over we decided to meet him up there and hang out for the day tomorrow. We can stay at his hotel (he reserved a big room) and then head back Sunday morning. We aren't going to Disney this trip; this will be the first time we travel to Orlando for something other than going to Disney World! Our Valentine's Day was good; we were able to score a sitter, which meant that we had about three hours of inturrupted adult time at our favorite Irish restaurant. So nice to have that, in these days when time for intimacy between us is scarce. Before hitting the road north I am going to the library, where two James Lee Burke novels are waiting for me to pick them up. I LOVE this author. I tore through one of his earlier Dave Robicheaux novels in about a week and am looking forward to reading two more. It's rare for me to read fiction, but I need some fiction in my life these days for escape.
Happy weekend!

Rainy Wednesday

2008-02-13T05:42:00.000-05:00

I had my gym bag packed and in the car early this morning, but when Little One woke up she had a scratchy, sore throat and a nasty cough, so we're staying home today. The skies are grey and the rain is falling on and off, sometimes in a downpour, sometimes in a drizzle. I like days like this sometimes. Perpetual sunshine has a negative effect on me. I like it, but not every day. My plan today is to go to Whole Foods Market for some good, organic produce to make dinner with tonight, and possibly some sort of natural sore throat remedy that is safe to give my daughter. N has been telling me for the past two nights (she's been courting this cough for a couple of days, but today it is suddenly worse) to give her Dimetapp, but I hate giving her that stuff unless I absolutely feel the need. I feel that organic foods digest more easily and I feel better when I go on "meat detoxification" diets here and there. If not for N, I think I could give it up altogether, but he's a country boy from Louisiana, and he's loathe to give up his steaks. As I type sirens wail in the distance. This rainy weather is useful for causing vehicular accidents; another good reason to stay home for most of it. After our trip to Whole Foods Market we'll come home and do a stained glass project which I bought for us to do together in honor of Imbolc. Brighid (Imbolc is also the feast of Brighid) is the Goddess of metalwork, fire, and mothers, among some other things, and Imbolc is, in part, about the strengthening of the sun in the approaching spring and a festival of light. I thought that, given these factors, stained glass would be appropriate (I bought a kit where we can paint the glass). I hope everyone else out there has a wonderful Wednesday, rain, snow, or whatever comes your way!

Why am I online again?

2008-02-08T15:26:00.000-05:00

I sometimes think that there is no one out there who knows how to waste time better than I do, and I hate that fact. There are only a few hours contained within each day; I have so many things I want and need to do, but yet I piddle away the minutes on this little task, and that little chore, and soon it's noontime and soon after that it's 5:00. I've refrained from posting or even visiting my blog sites for a couple of days, since once I log on it seems that I fall into a black hole. Two hours later, I emerge feeling guilty and tired. My daughter is watching tv with N right now, but she's been watching tv for too long now. He isn't feeling well today; some sort of stomach thing that has been making the rounds. Tonight I'm speaking for a friend at a hospital rehab center. I've considered what I will be saying, but also realize that seldom does what I plan to say actually end up being what actually sputters forth from my mouth. Most times, things go well; they can't be too planned, though, or they sound phony, like you're reading from a recovery textbook but have no idea what it truly feels like when you need to be in a program of recovery. Hopefully I don't get nervous and blank out completely. That happens on occasion and it feels extremely awkward.

Back Home

2008-02-05T03:52:00.000-05:00

We had a great time camping!!!! Being out in the woods for a couple of days was renewing, even though we didn't do much hiking as I'd hoped we would. Fisheating Creek offers a fairly small campground so the choices of hiking trails close to where we were limited. N went fishing early Saturday morning and then was too tired for much else, although we did visit a friend of his who lives in Venus. His friend wasn't home but his son rode us around their property on a golf cart, where we were followed by hungry black Angus cows. They mooed at us until we rode far enough away for them to lose interest. We enjoyed the company of some very cool people on this trip, which always makes for a good time. Lots of great conversation, quiet woodland nights, campfire, an afternoon boatride up the river. Fantastic! I cajoled our daughter into taking a short walk with me to an amazing cypress stand near our camp. The light filtering through the trees helped to create an area of peace and mystery. That was about as far as I could get her to walk with me; our daughter loves to run around, but she likes to go where she wants to go, and guided tours are rarely withstood.

Heading for the Woods

2008-01-31T03:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this picture has nothing to do with the woods, but I haven't uploaded any new woods pictures yet so today we have one from a beach trip Little One and I took last summer. Tomorrow morning we're driving up to Fisheating Creek to camp for two nights and a couple of days. We have gathered a large group of people to meet us there and it should be a good time. I'm so bored right now that doing anything that involves spending time outside will be great. I'm hoping we get the chance to do some hiking this time around. For me, being in the woods and not being afforded the opportunity to hike is a cruel form of torture. While it may seem that just being in the woods should offer that opportunity, having kids changes the dynamics of life quite a bit. During the last trip to the Creek we walked around a bit but never had a chance to do any serious hiking due to the fact that our traveling companions were experiencing marital strife (never a fun issue for anyone involved), my daughter wasn't in the mood to walk, and we didn't have anyone at the camp who could help us watch her. I'm not really into anyone watching my daughter when we're out in the woods anyway, save for handful of people, so it's difficult to accomplish any type of challenging hike. I'm not sure who will show up for this trip but we'll do what we can and have fun with whatever we can make happen, as well as with whatever comes about. Sometimes events to which we've lent no effort or thought conspire which surpass anything we had conjured in our own imaginations.

Just For Today

2008-01-29T12:15:00.000-05:00

Things are okay today. N got a small amount of money from the person I will now call "Evil Dude" for the sake of making something even the tiniest bit humorous out of a seriously bad situation. I will at least be able to get payroll this week, as well as pay a couple of bills. I was also able to pay a couple of bills this morning, so we're at least not behind the 8 ball. I have to stay in the moment somewhat right now, otherwise I'll be flipping out all day due to panic attacks. I did a card reading this morning, something I have not done in a very long time, which gave me some great insight into how to handle my conflicting emotions today. Following some of what I read, I made sure I took my Baby Girl to the beach today. We ran around in the sand, picking up shells and making sand forts, until she became tired and started throwing sand at me. She is still sniffly and tires quickly. She will never admit that she's tired, therefore when the sleepy bug bites her she switches into crazy mode and begins doing things like throwing sand, lying on the ground refusing to move, and other such unpleasant activities. Being at the beach with Little B kept me focused on the importance of family and on the happiness of childhood. I knew from the reading not to expect Evil Dude to come up with the full amount he owes my husband. I also knew that allowing myself to fall apart in fear over this fact was not going to help my family in any way. The worst was indeed realized when we discovered that E.D. owes nearly everyone with whom he is involved, including his employees, money. However, my husband's perseverance resulted in him obtaining enough money to get us by for another week or so. Anyway, one day at a time, we can get through the struggles before us!

A Smile on Monday

2008-01-28T12:56:00.000-05:00

Here's another picture of my Beauty Queen and me, taken by my friend, Sam, at the wedding on Saturday. It reminds me of what is truly important in life and of how blessed I am. Our money situation is continueing, but for some reason today I wasn't as bothered by it. I have a gut feeling that things are going to work out somehow. N is busy at work, we have money coming in eventually, and we have the rent money so it's not like we're going to be out on the street or something. I spent some time this morning looking up Imbolc crafts to do with my daughter in the next couple of weeks. I've decided on candle making. I think I can buy a kit at the craft store-something small to start out with. It might be a great skill to learn, since making one's own candles for things such as rituals imbibes them with a greater, more personal energy. Plus, my daughter loves engaging in just about any sort of craft, and I love doing them with her. I'm trying to find a balance once again between my spiritual backgrounds, since leaving one of them in the proverbial dust isn't working out so great for me. In order to feel really great about and really centered within my spiritual path, to really feel connected to my H.P., I need to incorporate different elements from my heritage into my spiritual practice. Some might not agree with this, but I think it can work for me, given that I possess a rather broad concept of God- as Father, Mother, wind, moon, star, nature. I believe that there is spirit in everything-in the trees, the oceans, the wind. My concept of spirit doesn't exactly fit into a neat box, but I think that, for me, it works most days.

A Wedding

2008-01-27T12:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we attended the wedding of two old friends who have gone through so much together and in their separate lives. It was really nice; the romantic in me really gets off on the idea that this couple was one destined to be together somehow because they separated for a long time, dated other people, and then came back together again. There were so many people at the wedding N and I know, so it was fun on that level also. We didn't get to do too much dancing but I threw down a little bit on the dancefloor with my little one. There were too other adorable little girls at the party who were close in age to her so she enjoyed running around with them. A friend of ours snapped this picture of me and my little family and emailed it to me this morning. Thanks, Sam!

It was nice to have the distraction of a wedding yesterday. For at least one day N and I both managed to not think about the financial C-R-A-P and this morning N's priest said he received a message that we will be getting some money this Tuesday. I wrote an invocation this morning for help from our current crisis and will spend a little quiet prayer time with the Great Mother later today or tomorrow morning. I keep feeling like our situation is going to turn out alright somehow, but I'm still not sure what action we will need to take to turn this feeling into a reality. More will be revealed as time goes on. I'm still evolving spiritually, experimenting with what feels good to me, finding my connection with a higher power to be stronger when some Celtic tradition and communing with nature is thrown into the mix. I'm okay with that; I think I've accepted that my spiritual path is never going to be exactly like anyone else's but that there are so many people with whom I can relate through the different aspects of my own spiritual path, winding though it seems to be.

Happy Friday

2008-01-25T12:00:00.000-05:00

Things are still feeling tense on this end. Money troubles suck. I feel like things will work out eventually, but the waiting is the hardest part. I'm trying with gusto not to nurse a resentment against the guy who owes my husband the cash, but it's difficult in light of the fact that he keeps presenting everyone with ridiculous excuses about why he can't pay everyone. I'd rather hear one honest, "Sorry, I'm broke" than a hundred stupid lies. I'm grateful that my husband and I have been together for long enough and have a tight enough bond that we're maintaining a united front. We're both anxious, but we're not taking the anxiety out on each other. There is almost nothing worse than money troubles when it comes to keeping relationships together.

On another note, some days it's difficult to know where I am in all of the different parts of my life. There seems to be an endless litany of laundry, floor sweeping, paperwork, doing, doing, doing. At the end of the day I'm exhausted and still haven't done anything related to my creative path. I decided today that this must change and have re-committed to taking some positive steps in the direction of my own dreams. I've said this before and am, in fact, tired of hearing myself say it, but I truly have come to a realization deep inside that my own emotional and spiritual well-being depends upon me taking some positive steps on my own behalf. Our dreams don't become reality for us by sitting back and waiting for things to happen. I'm truly inspired by the friends I have who have gone for what they want and are living full, interesting lives as a result. I've always been a free spirit bogged down by all sorts of fears. As a consequence, I've ended up working such jobs as legal secretary and receptionist while my friends are living groovy lives as tattoo artists and such. There is nothing wrong with being a secretary, but I've never felt particularly happy or inspired sitting at a desk. I do love being a Mom. I fell asleep last night singing bedtime songs to my daughter and woke up next to her at 12AM, her little arms entwined with mine. That's the coolest. Being her Mom is one of the most meaningful "jobs" I've ever held; it's the only job I've ever had that felt like it held some fantastic purpose. Being her Mom has made it even more important to me to not "wimp out". How can I tell her to follow her dreams, no matter how crazy they might be, if I'm neglecting my own talents and ignoring my own dream path?

Happy Thursday

2008-01-24T16:16:00.001-05:00

Goose Totem

2008-01-23T17:01:00.000-05:00

(Photo by Chuck Szmurlo)

Looking for some guidance the other night, I said a prayer before bed that a solution to our current situation, or at least to my current condition of fear and worry over our finances, would come to me in the night. I dreamed a wonderful dream that night. I was at my grandparents' house up north (neither is alive on this side of the veil), in the garage with my grandmother. My Grandfather was there as well, and my aunt (who is still alive) but they didn't engage much with us except to say hello. I was visiting with them but about to go back home, and it was going to be a long trip. I was planning a stop along the way in Colorado, and was thinking that the stop was a bit out of the way but I really wanted to see my friends there. My husband and daughter were not with me; they were back home. I don't get the feeling that I was coming home to Florida; rather, I feel like "home" was someplace out west. I felt sad that I was leaving my grandmother but not overly sad. In the dream I knew that she was not alive. I was conscious of the fact that I couldn't smell her hair when she hugged me; she was before me in a different form, unlike my own. I knew that I would be seeing her again and so wasn't overcome with sorrow, and the trip I was embarking on was one of great joy so I was excited to go. It seemed there wasn't much talking going on between us, it was more just an exchange of unspoken emotion, of love. We hugged each other for a long time and when we let go I felt tears coming on, but then that brief moment of the pain of separation passed and I felt okay. She was happy and encouraging me to take the trip. Throughout the dream, I noticed geese flying in the sky outside the garage door. As well, I saw them flying past when I got out of my car on first arriving at the house. I remember Canadian geese from my childhood; we had tons of them during the warmer months of the year. I felt great when I woke up the next morning; a sense of peace had washed over me but I couldn't quite get a grasp on what the dream was about or why it gave me a feeling of ease. I consulted a book I have by Ted Andrews called Animal Speak, flipping eagerly to the page about the goose. First, it is interesting to note that geese are related to swans, as the swan has been my totem animal for many years. The book further goes on to relate that there are eight geese species in North America, the number eight being similar to the symbol for infinity. The goose "reflects movement, a call to the spiritual quest". Ted Andrews also says that the migratory nature of the goose shows us that sometimes it's good "to search out new worlds and dimensions" and that great quests bring fulfilled promises. Even the V-formation utilized by geese as they fly is significant. It is open on one end, symbolizing an opening to new possibilities and forms an arrow on the other which indicates that we are about to embark firmly on a new path. The letter "v" in Hebrew is "vau" which means nail. This is a path we are really committing ourselves to, one that is firm and sure. Geese have exceptional vision, and when the goose appears as a totem it is possible that we are going to be gifted with greater vision as well; in the case of this dream I feel that the vision is going to be of a more abstract nature. The passage ends by saying that the goose could be reflecting a breaking free from old childhood restraints and a coming into one's own. This is interesting in light of the fact that I was with my Grandparents, at the house I grew up in, for the entirety of this dream.

I feel that it will take some time to fully understand what was being related to me in this dream. I do feel that it was an answer to my question the night before; there was too much relevant information within it to take it as a coincidence, and I was not previously aware of all of the symbology of the goose as totem. Maybe my focus of this current situation has been in the wrong direction. Maybe there is something more proactive that I should be doing. I'm looking forward to going into a meditation where hopefully my spirit guide will come to me. I have been refraining from any sort of spiritual work such as meditation for personal reasons. I believe that when embarking on spiritual quests we need the proper tools to handle the images and information that comes our way. I'd been getting too overwhelmed and freaked out for awhile about all of the "stuff" that was coming at me, and I felt a need to back off and learn more. As well, we need to be willing to allow the great song of life to shape us, and sometimes I think this involves a great backing off from fear, and a willingness to be responsible and willing to do what is called upon us to do, whether it's doing relief work in a foreign country, teaching kids art, raising a family, etc. I feel like big changes are afoot and I'm a bit afraid of how I will be called upon to change, grow, and act. But, it's better to be in the Song than standing on the sidelines watching life pass by and getting sicker and sicker each day with fear and depression.

Stuck in the Blues

2008-01-20T18:40:00.000-05:00

Some days, in spite of my best efforts at keeping a cheerful countenance, trying to just look at the things for which I am grateful, and focusing on the good in my life instead of the lacks, I just can't keep myself on the up side. Today is one of those days. I'm terribly worried about finances. Someone who owes us money is jerking my husband around, telling him he will have his money on this day, then that day, and yada yada yada. Supposedly he was supposed to produce a check yesterday but he never called us and when my husband went to his office the man was mysteriously absent. When my husband visited the guy's office on Friday he was greeted by about ten other people who were there for the same reason, which isn't a good sign of this company's finacial stability. A quick check with the Florida Division of Corporations showed me that he has several companies set up separately, and I have no faith in anything he tells us. At this point, I am looking into what legal action we can take. It's illegal to write a bad check, especially when that check is for a large sum of money. It seems to me that this guy has no real intention of getting our money to us, and, at this point, I'm losing sleep over the whole situation. I feel great resentment for people who employ unethical business practices to keep themselves afloat, leaving others to drown in the mess they've created. It's wrong.

Badass Hotties Part Two

2008-01-18T17:33:00.001-05:00

The first time I remember really noticing Lita Ford was during college when I was dating a guy who had plastered a picture of her on the wall of his basement bedroom. The picture was classic late 1980's: Lita holding the then popular flying V guitar, looking very blonde, very curvaceous, and very hot. I would look at that picture while I was getting dressed in the morning, comparing my hips to hers and swearing off ice cream and cheeseburgers for that day. Lita was one of the women who paved the way for other women in the rock genre, along with Joan Jett (who was one of her former bandmates in The Runaways). She was slightly brash, gutsy, a wee bit cheesy (which, in the '80's was kind of cool), and she had a tough demeanor. Growing up, I always wanted to be the "tough" chick but it never worked out. People would get to know me and then any toughness I would try to project would result in fits of laughter all around. I was always known as the "cute" one. We can't all be good at everything, I suppose. As with Billy Bob Thornton, I admire Lita Ford for pursuing her dreams and for making a name in glam rock music. As well, I admire her for being able to look so hot while she was accomplishing this. I'll be thinking of her when I buy my next box of L'Oreal Extra Light Natural Blonde haircolor...

Badass Hotties Part One

2008-01-17T22:20:00.000-05:00

This could probably be considered a shallow and silly bit of blogging fluff, but given the depressing and disturbing bits of news I've been exposed to via my television over the past two days, the fact that my brother is still missing and could be in Iraq, the fact that my other brother is going to court on Monday over a bar fight, and the recent financial woes of my little family, I don't feel much like blogging (ie, moaning) about real life right now. That said, here is my first bad ass hottie dude expose.

I chose Billy Bob Thornton as my pick for hottest badass screenwriter/actor/musician. "Why?", you ask. Well, let's see. First off, there is something extremely sexy about a man who wears the aforementioned three hats. Not only is Billy Bob an artist of the stage (movie set), but, not content merely to act out roles, he also writes movies himself (and is an Oscar winning screenwriter at that). Top that off with the passion of a musician and, oh yeah.... Billy Bob has an air about him of easygoing calm and self assurance. He's a rebel without being arrogant or taking himself too seriously. One gets the feeling that he's completely being himself, and that he intends to completely be himself regardless of what you or anyone else has to say about it. He seems like the kind of guy who would care about what his girl wants, but wouldn't be shy about telling her what he needs. On a completely superficial level, he has tattoos, and it's my opinion that tattoos up the hot quotient of most guys (provided they are already sexy on some level and that the tattoos aren't of a hate natured subject matter) and he's southern born (anyone dating or married to a southerner will understand my reasoning here-my husband is Cajun). In short, he's a guy who possessed a passion for all of the avenues down which his artistic talents lead him. He followed those avenues and displayed the courage to make his dreams become reality. And THAT is sexy as hell.

I'm Blogging When I Should be Downstairs

2008-01-11T17:00:00.000-05:00

So I'll make it brief today. "Brief?", you say. Yeah, on occasion I'm capable of just saying a few words and then shutting up. Don't count on me to do this often, as I find it to be very difficult. I am in love with the English language and use it as much as I can.

In short, I feel a bit better today. The bank stuff got worked out, although we still haven't received payment for the job my husband did a month ago and an employee from the company actually had the gaul to call my husband this morning asking him to do something else for them. This sent me into a quick tirade about what scumbags they are, how I'm nursing a wicked resentment toward them for putting us in a bad spot financially by not paying us (supply bills must be paid regardless of slacker clients, and the subcontractor basically finances jobs for the contractor), and how the only thing they should be calling us for is to tell us we can pick up the certified check I requested for the full amount owed to my husband's company. Pay up, beiatchhh. The down side to this situation is that the economy is currently quite slow, so any work my husband can glean he pretty much takes. It's a sort of beggars can't be choosers deal, which makes me even angrier because that makes me feel like we're trapped somehow, in dealing with these people.

On another note, I found out this morning that a very close friend of ours is moving to Georgia. He and his wife have a house there and they've decided to close up shop here in Florida and move up there permanently. That's five close people and many aquaintances who've left in the past 5 or so years. I'm happy for them but sad for us. I've been missing my family so much over the past couple of days it's been making me half crazy. Also, for some reason my Dad has been in my thoughts a lot for the same amount of time. Hubster is probably starting a job in Haiti in March and I'm freaking out about the prospect of him being away, even though I'm not sure how much he'll need to be out of town. Having family around would definitely lessen the emotional toll of being away from him so much. But, I suppose I'm being somewhat of a baby. There are many, many women right now raising kids while their husbands are off fighting overseas. They seem to deal with it somehow, so I know I can too.

Oops. This wasn't really brief. What did I tell you??

Some Days, it's F.I.A.

2008-01-09T20:00:00.001-05:00

I'm tired today. I'm tired of contractors who can't pay their bills and get other companies embroiled in horribly complicated mixups with their own banks due to bounced checks and all of the wondrous fun getting those straightened out is. I'm tired of worrying every day about how much money is in the bank account. I know that money doesn't guarantee happiness but f-ck if it doesn't help alleviate the stress of having the electricity turned off, or the landlord/mortgage not getting paid, or worrying about how one is going to send their child to a decent school when even a private PRESCHOOL costs around $6,000.00 per year, and that's a modest number. The one I want to send our daughter to is $10,000.00 a year; needless to say we'll either have to find a second choice or start homeschooling. It's ridiculous that the school system in Florida is so bad that I would even have to think about spending $10,000.00 a year for my daughter's early education. Right now the powers that be in the Florida educational system are busy debating about how evolution is taught in schools. HELLO!!!! It's a theory, it's been taught as a theory since I was in elementary school. Keep teaching it as a theory, and explain to the kids what the word "theory" means. And get busy cleaning up our public school systems because, quite frankly, they suck. One of the Moms in my daughter's gymnastics class is moving to Seattle with her husband because they don't want to raise their child in the type of environment that is rife here. She said that Seattle has a phenomenal school system and that the community they are moving to is more family friendly. And, by the way the median home price is around $600,000.00. Whew! Again, if we had an ample amount of money, I wouldn't be worrying about the school system here. We could just move someplace where marriage is actually a valued institution and the public school systems are actually educating our children. I had an extremely frustrating second half of the day. That line from an old Dixie Chicks song that goes, "Ready ready ready ready to run..." kept playing in the background of my mind for hours. I'm not going anywhere, and I don't really want to go anywhere, but some days it's easy to become overwhelmed by the pace of life, and by all of the obstacles that keep getting tossed in our way, just when it seems we're on the brink of making some real progress. I like the above picture of Courtney Love because I kind of love her punk rockedness, her hard core attitude, and her ability to plow forward into success, even if she's experienced quite a few bumps along the way. Punk rock all the way today, baby.

Do Not Disturb--Artist at Work...

2008-01-08T21:38:00.000-05:00

Last night I finally made some time, in spite of feeling tired and lazy, to take out my brushes, paints, etc. and lay down some acrylic. It felt great and I was able to accomplish a little bit more on this painting that I am so so so into finishing. I have ideas swirling around in my head, deeply personal ideas that I want to put onto canvas, and if I don't get this peice done soon those ideas will eventually just fade away and be gone forever. It's true that the soul of an artist is always happiest when creating artwork. I guess it's just a matter of making and sometimes forcing the time for the creating to happen.

Fate, Luck, or What?

2008-01-04T17:46:00.000-05:00

I went to the gym this morning (yay, me-I finally used the adult locker room and found it to be ever so much nicer than the family one; I feel silly about my previous shyness, as it turned out to be much more private than I'd anticipated in the shower room), then home for lunch. I mention the "home for lunch" because this is where the issue of fate comes in. My daughter has been nursing somewhat of a cold for the past two days. Although she seemed to be feeling much better today, her little nose is still a bit stuffy and she cannot currently use it for breathing. This caused lunch to stretch out endlessly today, much to my chagrin since I had several different places to visit and wanted to eat lunch and get back out the door as quickly as possible (how silly of me; I forget that for a three year old there is no such thing as rushing since three year olds have no real conception of time). Finally, the Spaghetti O's were gone, my little one's face was cleaned of it's tomato sauce war paint, and we were on the road again. Our first stop was the bank. This is where the issue of fate comes in.

When I made the turn onto the street where the bank is located, I noticed several police cars parked along the street in front of the building. Hmmm. Not a good sign. I slowly pulled into the parking lot, making note of two women who were standing outside, looking very upset. One was chattering away on a cell phone with a Spanish accent. I parked the car, fairly certain that something terrible had occurred, then heard someone grumble that the bank would be closed for an undetermined length of time. It turns out the bank was robbed just moments before our arrival. Had Little One eaten more quickly, we might have been at the bank trying to deposit a rather large check at the same time someone else was attempting to make an extremely unorthodox withdrawal. A chill descended over my body as I realized that my daughter and I could have been in a situation of great danger. There have been many robberies here in Florida as of late, and more than a few of them have ended with a victim being killed for no reason other than the cold heartedness of the perpetrator. As a parent, I don't want to be in ANY situation where it's even marginally likely that my daughter will be hurt.

As we were driving to North Miami to conduct our business at a different bank (with me saying a silent prayer along the way that whoever robbed the aforementioned bank was not planning a spree) I wondered if any divine power had a hand in keeping us away from the scene of this crime. Was it just luck? I do believe that sometimes our guardian spirits, angels and G-d intervene in our lives for the purpose of saving our asses. I don't know and will never know if that was the case for us today (moms with small children make for great hostages if a situation goes south). What I do know is this: as we were pulling away from the bank where the robbery took place, I thanked my little girl for taking her time eating lunch today. She smiled at me sweetly and answered, "You're welcome."

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

Well, 2008 has arrived and a new year has begun, full of the usual firm resolutions and hopes of success. I refuse to committ to resolutions but hope, as always, to live one day better than the day which came before. I suppose that in itself forms some sort of fabric of resolution; I do hope to be resolved to create more, to worry less (fat chance, I suppose), to be more celebratory of my spiritual path, to be more organized so that I can fit more activity into each day. Then, there are the usual hopes and aspirations: to be a wonderfully attentive and wise mother and a patient, humor filled, loving and committed wife (is the word "committed" such a great choice when used before the word "wife"? It makes me think of sanitariums...). Carry on into 2008....carry on...

Back Home from N.O.

2007-12-28T09:23:00.000-05:00

We had a great time in Louisiana. We flew into New Orleans on Friday and despite the fact that our plane was an hour and a half late and it took an hour at the car rental place, we had a great night in the city, eating dinner at a cozy Cajun restaurant and wandering around the streets for a bit. New Orleans is back to being New Orleans; the streets were packed with people reveling and otherwise carrying on, art galleries and funky antiques shops can be found on every street in great abundance, there are so many great places to eat it was difficult to choose. The architecture in N.O. is gorgeous; so many old buildings dressed up in decorative iron, with long, thin windows their eyes to the world. N and I saw one that appeared to be empty and we stood in the street for awhile fantasizing about buying it and fixing it up into a home/storefront. On a more unfortunate note, the city has experienced a rise in crime as of late, but we did not encounter any ruffians in search of money for drugs or anything else while we were touristing the streets. On Saturday we drove up to see my husband's family, two hours north in Lafayette. We visited several different places while we were there, including an old cemetary where my husband's great-great grandfather, who served in the Confederacy during the Civil War, is buried. I finally got to "meet" N's Grandma, Jeanne, who apparently was quite a character in life and who I wish I'd had an opportunity to meet while she was still on this side of the veil. Our trip home flowed without incident and we got back on Wednesday afternoon. It took all day for us to recover from traveling; even today I feel a bit tired and am tempted to forgo the gym, but I won't. It's nice to be home again. Our kitty missed us, and I'm happy to see life returning to its normal flow. The holidays are wonderful but grueling, and for a Jew the whole Christmas season can be a bit tiring. I hope y'all have a fun and safe New Year's celebration!!!

War is Over???

2007-12-19T17:33:00.001-05:00

Wouldn't it be nice if this were true? I don't know where my brother is; he has not spoken to our family in two years due to an argument he had with my stepmother and for all we know he could be in Iraq. He's a Marine who had gotten out early in order to raise his daughter and be home with his young wife, but I believe the stipulation was that he would have to go into the Reserves for two years. We all know what that means-most people in the Reserves end up in Iraq due to the fact that this war has been dragging on for way too long and the military is in desperate need of service people.

We leave for Louisiana this Friday to see Hubby's family for five days. I'm looking forward to spending an afternoon and night in New Orleans and then being out of town for a few days. Florida is wearing a bit thin right now. The rate of violence has skyrocketed here lately, and the criminals seem to have no conscience these days. I know I've written about this before, but it really upsets and disturbs me. I still do not understand the need for murdering an eight year old little girl and her mother at the mall over a few bucks. If you're going to be scumbag and rob someone, at least be responsible enough to wear a mask so they don't have to lose their lives over your selfishness/lazyness/stupidity. Whoever did this WILL be caught, and when they are I hope they don't expect much sympathy from the jury.

On another note, I hope everyone is having and continues to have a happy holiday season. May you all be surrounded by people who love you and be filled with peace, warmth, and the deepest of joy. Shalom!

2 Miles

2007-12-17T17:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I did not manage to paint today (yet) but I did accomplish running two miles at the gym today. At first I didn't think much of it, but after I got home I realized that two miles is the furthest I've run to this point in time. I'm happy about that; I only have 1/2 an hour for cardio and 1/2 an hour for weight training so I have to cram whatever running I do into that time slot, so I ran hard for about five minutes at the end of my run and got the two miles. Admittedly, I have lots of work to do, but it's all about progress and making the effort to get out there.

There is lots of holiday madness going on here in South Florida. Recent violent episodes at a nearby mall have taken the "mall wind" out of my shopping sails (not that there was much more than a breeze there before anyway). The most recent attack occurred on a woman with an eight year old daughter; they were found dead in the parking lot at Town Center Mall in Boca Raton and robbery was the suspected motive. Moms with kids are great targets for cowardly thieves who want an easy mark and I am constantly on the alert for suspicious people who might be hovering nearby when we're getting into my car. The problem is that it is impossible to be fully aware of what is going on around you when you're trying to get a three year old to climb into her carseat and then sit still long enough to be buckled in. This danger lurks everywhere-at the supermarket, the library, anyplace we have to go to do anything. I pray that the above killer is caught soon; it is troubling that violence here seems to be on the rise.

Yoram Ranaan

2007-12-13T17:00:00.000-05:00

I love this man's artwork, check this out:

http://www.aish.com/societyWork/arts/Yoram_Raanan.asp

I'm floored, awed, inspired.

Art and Other Musings

2007-12-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

(Above painting: Paul Gauguin, "Where do we come from? What are We? Where are we going?")

I've been really having the bug lately to paint, to be creative. I know I've written about this in the past but I never seem to have the time time to actually engage in any creative pursuits, and my life is only getting busier as my daughter gets older and Hubster's business grows. This means that it is more crucial then ever for me to find a way to make time for my creative pursuits. I think that one of the more difficult aspects of being a mother and someone's wife is that keeping track of who one is a person in her own right can become difficult. Life is consumed by menial tasks like laundry and cleaning house, and by highly meaningful activities such as cooking with my daughter, playing at the park, and learning the alphabet. The mother of the house needs to be a very strong, supportive individual. Without her strength and positivity the rest of the house very often will fall into disrepair. That is not to say that we can't ever lapse in our strength and lean on our mate-not at all. I've just noticed that when I'm not in a positive headspace, my mate often falls into the chasm of "bad attitude" as well. He often tells me that his own optimism is fueled, in large part, by my own. This means that if I'm in a depression or otherwise in an unhealthy state of being his own state of being is influenced in a negative way.

This brings me back to the necessity of artistic time. I have a painting I have been working on forever. I want and need to complete it, both so that I can give it to the intended recipient and so that I can begin new projects. I NEED to paint in order to be completely healthy and happy. I need this for my own peace of mind and the peace of mind and well being of my family. This may sound extreme, but I'm sure that anyone out there who is a creative sort will understand the need for an artist to create, for a musician to play, for a writer to write. Artists such as Vincent Van Gogh and Frida Kahlo have both said that art was something they needed to do for their survival, the only thing that soothed their minds. Indeed, for me it is the only activity that quiets my mind and puts me back on track. That said, my plan this week is to set aside a few nights a week, beginning this week, to paint. This will be difficult, since by nighttime I am usually tired, but I think that if I can just begin a routine it will become easier as I go along. I can use this blog to tell on myself when I don't keep up on this promise to myself. Wish me luck!

Sniffle Snuffles

2007-12-08T17:20:00.001-05:00

Everyone in our house is sick today. Little One came down with a cold on Wednesday, and Hubby and I followed suit soon after. My eyes are so dry they keep blurring when I try to read; I'm having trouble even reading the words on the computer screen. Me thinks it best to get Bebe into bed early and snuggle down under the covers and maybe read or watch some television. Hubby and I are already so tired, and the day/night is clearly shot.

My Mom recently found out that my brother, who has been MIA from the family for about two years, might have been living in California recently. She sent an invitation to him, which was forwarded to a military base in California and then delivered back to her because he was no longer at that location. This is disturbing to me because my brother is in the Marines but got out about two years ago. With this never ending war going on it's possible that he got called back in, and he could be anywhere right now. I don't like the idea that he could be in Iraq right now, getting shot at for the drunken frat boy who has driven this country into a ditch. I can feel a rant coming on so I'll spare everyone and sign off.

No HNT

2007-12-06T22:58:00.000-05:00

No HNT today, due to the fact that I didn't have time to take the picture I'd planned. Bebe is still sick, although not as boogery as she was yesterday, and I had errands to run and shopping to do for Hubby's gifts. I went into Target to buy just a few things and ended up spending $100.00. Yikes!!!! That hurt. For those of you living in cold climes, I'm sending you some Florida warmth. I took this picture yesterday morning at sunrise, just outside my front door. I like the look of the silhouetted trees. There was a beautiful moon smiling down on me, which was what inspired me to run inside and get the digital camera, but it didn't translate as well as I'd hoped so I aimed elsewhere. Yesterday's picture shows the moon and, I think, Venus, but it appears so tiny in the shot that the feeling is lost. I'm heading off to bed; I can't think of anything witty or interesting to type.

2nd Night and a Christmas Dilemma

2007-12-05T17:18:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the second night of Hanukkah. I have dinner simmering on the stove and in a little while we'll eat and have our second night of Hanukkah happiness. I was hit with an issue today, though, and one that has been coming up more and more often as our daughter gets older and understands or at least notices more about the things she sees. She has arrived at the stage of questioning and her mind is very impressionable, and I'm careful about what I tell her right now, careful about the shows that are playing on the t.v. when she is still awake at night. A couple of months ago Hubby was invited by his church to a Christmas Pageant. It's supposed to be a hugely popular affair and at first I didn't see anything wrong with us going as a family. I was told it would be great fun for Bebe, that there would be animals involved, etc. Today I checked the website and discovered that the event is put on by a local Baptist church and that due to the length of the show (2 1/2 hours) and the content of the show (the show is about the entire life of Jesus, including the crucifixion, which I am not so sure I want my daughter watching at the tender age of 3) the show is recommended for children 4 and above. There is no way my daughter will be able to sit through this show, and, as a Jewish mother, I'm not so sure it's an appropriate show to take her to in the first place. Now I feel like the bad guy. Although I advised my husband that I didn't think we would be able to attend due to the time involved and the fact that our daughter can't even sit through a cartoon movie, let alone a Broadway style play, the fact is that the content bothers me as well.

Sooo..now it's about an hour later. Dinner is done, my husband went out and I'm not sure if he went to the show or to a regular guy's meetup that he sometimes attends on Wednesday nights. He was upset about us not attending the show as a family and now I'm hit with the "what if" guilts. What if our daughter would have loved the show, if she, by some miracle, sat through the whole thing and loved it, and now I'm depriving her of that experience? What if we went and all had a great time? What if this? What if that? It seems this was a no win situation. Although I know in my heart that Bebe would never have sat through the production, I feel guilty that we didn't go. In my heart, I know that I wasn't sure I wanted Little One watching the story of Jesus's life, even though I don't have anything against Jesus, just the Christianized interpretation of who he was. I don't have any problem with someone else believing in the Christian faith either, but I'm uncomfortable with taking our Jewish daughter to a show that has been lauded online as a program that has driven many to the faith of Christianity. Do I want to attend a show that's main goal is really to proselytize? The fact that I'm so upset about this really drives into the heart of my own love of Judaism; suddenly I'm super Jewish or something. **Abundant sighs.** Confused by some things, I am, but I know what I'm not. And, I know what my daughter is not. I just don't always know the right road to take with all of this parenting/wife stuff.

First Night

2007-12-04T16:40:00.001-05:00

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. We don't have anything super exciting planned, but we kind of like it that way these days. Sure, it would be nice to have some family around with whom to eat dinner and exchange gifts, but that isn't possible this year so we'll just have our own little family holiday experience. I'm going to make dinner (I was banished to the upstairs while Hubby wraps my gift and so took advantage of some blogging time) and then we'll light the first candle and give Bebe her first gift. She poked her little head into the laundry room earlier today and spied me wrapping one gift. I wasn't aware of her presence, but suddenly I heard a tiny voice say, "Hey, what's that Dora present?" I think that when it comes time to celebrate I'm going to turn Hubby's cell phone off. What is it with people making business calls at dinnertime? To me, it's so rude. I don't ever call people during dinner hours, although I do realize that dinnertime hours vary from household to household.

I've posted at different times about the spiritual path I walk, and how it, at times, separates greatly from any one solid organized religious way. I feel so strongly pulled toward my Celtic roots that it's hard for me to completely look away from them when it comes to how I connect with a Higher Power. That said, I am also intensely happy to be a part of the Jewish people. I might not be the "best Jew" around, I might not live my life in a completely kosher way, I might not believe everything Judaism tells me, but I love being Jewish just the same. Maybe someday I will completely walk the path of Judaism. I did recently find a book in a catalogue about how Judaism is connected with the wilds of nature and that interested me. To me, any sort of spirituality has to come from what's "out there": in the woods, on the beaches, in the wild grasses of mountain meadows, in the swampiness of the everglades, in the sparkling northern snowfalls. I do feel close to both my Irish roots and my Dutch Jewish ones; I need to celebrate them both, but maybe one day I'll find a way to accomplish that within the boundaries of Judaism. Right now, I'm where I'm at today, and I'm happy today with that!

Tired, Tired, Tired

2007-12-03T16:57:00.000-05:00

I'm almost completely wiped out this evening. This morning I went to the gym for my first real workout in a long time. I dropped Little One at the child care center (which was a bit traumatic for me in itself since I've never left her anyplace like that before-my daughter was unphased and actually was excited to be there), got my bearings around the locker room, and proceeded to the workout area itself. I ran almost 2 miles on the treadmill, which I was happy about considering that it's been a long, long time since I've run. When I had about 7 minutes left to go my magazine fell onto the treadmill and flew back onto the floor. I'm grateful that I didn't go flying off the treadmill as I watched it whiz away, and even more grateful that it didn't hit anyone. After that I did some leg work ,some crunches, and then made my way back to the locker room. This is where I had a bit of trouble. It's embarassing to admit to this, but I'd envisioned the showers to be like the ones they offer at campgrounds. The ones at the gym offer much less privacy; they're somewhat private, but not as much as I would like. The woman I spoke with told me they don't have a curtain, and that she puts up a towel. I guess they kind of curve around so it's not that bad, but when I poked my head into the shower area the first sight to hit my eyes was a woman walking around stark naked and that was it for me. I grabbed my things and went to the "family locker room" which offer slightly more privacy, but less fancy dressing areas and, I think, maybe smaller showering stalls. I'm embarassed to admit that I'm this shy when it comes to other people seeing me sans clothing, or seeing other people that way, but I was mortified. Maybe I was just taken by surprise. I mean, I used to take drawing and painting classes with nude models and it never phased me much, aside from the time my then boyfriend decided to become one and posed for the class I was in. I will admit to leaving the class the first day he modeled for us because I couldn't stop giggling. It was like this fit of immature laughter; I couldn't hold it back. Also, I've been to strip clubs (only about three times-I swear!) and watched girls dance and didn't think much about them being naked aside from, wow, she's beautiful, or something like that. As far as the gym showers, I suppose I'll get over my sudden phobia; it was my first day there, and I'm not really used to public bathing areas or leaving my daughter with strangers. For now, I'm a little bit sore and very tired. I have coffee waiting downstairs to help me get through the dinner rush, and then I'm going to get Little One into bed and crash myself.

Early HNT

2007-11-28T17:04:00.000-05:00

I just joined our family up at the local YMCA today. I'm really excited, because the facilities there are fantastic and they have a wonderful gym, which means Hubby and I can start working out again. I enjoy running and working out and am hoping that doing so once again will help my ever fluctuating mental state. It's not that my mental state is all that horrible, but I definitely need to get my blood pumping a bit so that my endorphins can kick back into gear. Also, I need to get back into shape. Before baby I was running a mile in the mornings; after she was born I never got back into a routine. Well, that's not really true. I did work out for a few months in the gym we had at the old apartment, but once we moved I no longer had a gym at my disposal. It has taken us several months to finally make the decision to join one, after agonizing on a daily basis about how out of shape we've become and how it's the worst shape either of us has ever been in, yada, yada, yada. I've always been thin, and the extra fat around my middle from having the baby has got to go. It's just a little bit, but it's the difference between hip huggers that fit and ones that are a little bit too big because my hips have no excess fat on them but my waist has just a little too much. Sometimes I envy girls like Kate Moss, although I always loved the curvaceous, Marilyn Monroe types so much more!!!!

Say Hello to The Muscovy Duck

2007-11-27T11:14:00.000-05:00

Recently, some Muscovy ducks have claimed residence in our back yard. My husband detests them; I'm kind of ambivalent. I generally love most wildlife and the ducks don't really bother me. Little One and I even fed them yesterday because they wandered onto our patio and were helping themselves to my plants (which is something which I am NOT agreeable to). When I first moved to Florida I found these ducks to be quite frightening in appearance. My home state boasts those cute little mallards that were featured in the book "Make Way for Ducklings" and the Muscovies looked to me like something resulting from a nuclear power plant accident. They are not native to Florida but are somewhat protected by anti animal cruelty laws, which means that no one can legally harm them but, if they are so inclined, may capture them and keep them as pets. This particular duck was sleeping on my patio this morning beneath our cat palm. I woke him up taking these pictures and was rewarded by a flip of his tail and a splotch of poop on the stones. This is the aggravating thing about having such ducks around; they poop everywhere, which seems to me to be not the least bit healthy for us. After the duck left I found myself out back hosing the stones off (not so bad since having to do so reminded me to water my plants...). One thing I know for sure is that Muscovies have no cooth.

Children in Our Adult World

2007-11-19T07:33:00.000-05:00

It seems to me lately that this world we live in is growing ever more impatient with childhood; people are becoming more and more self centered and less willing to slow down their own hectic pace to permit those of us who don't want to spend our days running like a gerbil on a wheel some allowance of time. I'm as busy as the next person, sometimes I feel I'm more busy than most; indeed, I have much less free time now than I did when I worked at a law office full time and didn't have a family to care for. But, the time I spend now is more meaningful to me. Gone are the days of endless stacks of paperwork. They've been replaced by piles of laundry, cooking utensils, new stacks of paperwork for my husband's business, toys strewn across the floor, and craft projects. I still have the occasional business telephone call to make or take, but working with my husband brings me much more satisfaction than working for someone else, because we're working on goals together, on jobs which can directly effect the course of life as a family will take. But, I digress.

One of the reasons I'm considering homeschooling for my daughter is that I'm dissatisfied with the way schools have changed. Kids are coming home with more homework than ever, leaving them little time for personal activities or just plain leisure time (which everyone needs in order to re-group). This past year the schools decided to resume in August, which created an uproar from parents who'd planned family vacations during time when their kids were being told they had to go back to school. Call me crazy, but I think there is little precious time for family as it is, and I believe that's part of the problem with children today. I applauded the parents who decided to take those vacations anyway; kids will remember the great time they had with Mom and Dad visiting the mountains, camping in the woods, etc. and the experiences they have on those trips might help make them into better people-life is all about the experience! Family vacations can create priceless memories which will last a lifetime for children and parents alike. I don't think many of us have fond, priceless memories of math class. Or of any class, for that matter. This is not to say that education isn't important. It's extremely important. I'm a firm believer that quantity does not quality make, however. Taking art, music and physical education (although I have to interject here that I hated gym class) away from our children (and aren't these always the activities that seem to be cut out?) does not help them to grow into well rounded, interesting adults. The two classes that saved my sanity in school were art and literature. Indeed, art was the subject that prompted me to attend college. Without my art classes, and the wonderfully crazy man who taught them, I would have been lost and bored in High School.

Last night at the mall a woman scowled at my daughter because she bumped into her. My daughter is three years old and certainly it was not her intention to slow this woman down. Her little legs were busy running with me trying to catch up with Hubster, who had plowed far ahead of us with the baby carriage, lost in his own thoughts of getting home. I will acquiesce that this woman was tired from an evening of shopping, but I'm still annoyed by the fact that most people these days seem to be so centered on their own thoughts and interests that having to momentarily slow down to allow for the stumble of a small child makes them angry. My thoughts wander to a story I read about a woman being escorted off an airplane because her young child wouldn't stop talking. Is our world so hurried, are the things we're doing so important that we can't allow for the chatter of a toddler???

On a final note, I'd like to say this. When you insult, emotionally abuse, or reject my child, you reject and hurt me as well. If you push my child out of your way, expect that I will react as if you'd pushed me. While I try to walk the path of peace, I'm tiring quickly of living in a world where our needs as adults often surpass the needs of our children, and the needs of children in the world at large (I'm thinking right now of this ongoing mess of a war, in which innocent children are being killed, probably more often than CNN is telling us about). The lyrics "What might save us, me and you, is if the Russians love their children too.." from Sting's 80's hit rings in my ears. What might save us in this rushed, hurried, messed up world is caring about what we're leaving behind for our children, and/or the children of others or believing that all children are our children and treating them as such. Maybe sometimes it's good to slow down, to stop what we're doing so that we can see that we're trampling the feet of a little person who's beliefs about people just might be formed, in part and in some way, by how we're treating him/her in the moment. Children are beautiful, and they have the ability to teach us so much about ourselves, if we'll only put the cell phone/remote control/newspaper/shopping cart aside long enough to listen to what they have to say.

Saturday Saturday Saturday

2007-11-17T12:32:00.000-05:00

I feel a bit better today, although this morning I was stressed out almost to tears by the fact that there never seems to be a single day that goes by without some sort of work involved for the business. During the week it's great; I like to be busy and am grateful that we have work at a time when so many people are slow. When Saturday comes, however, I need the break. In spite of my Celtic leanings, I am also Jewish. Saturday is a special day, a day when work is supposed to cease and one can take a breath and pause from all of the hecticness of the week. I need one day to step back, to not have to change or mold anything, to not have to engage in tasks which frustrate or upset me. Last night I lit both the Sabbath candles and my special triple candle configuration which symbolizes the hearth in Irish culture. I like to light it in the morning before my meditation time and to light it and blow it out at night, saying a short blessing with regard to the hearth fires keeping us warm and safe through the night. I usually think of the Goddess Brighid when I do this; it gives me a sense of peace and safety to go through this ritual, and my daughter loves lighting and blowing out the candles. On some symbolic level, all of the candles looked really pretty this morning set up together on the table, the two tall white Sabbath pillar candles behind the three red votives. Sometimes I will re-light the Sabbath ones on Saturday, since we rarely have time to let them burn down completely on Friday night. I'm trying to find some balance with my spirituality-a way to honor all the different parts of my ancestry. I guess for most people Judaism and Paganism wouldn't really go together, but I believe we all need to follow the path which feels right within our hearts.

We're going to a concert tonight-I think it to see Bob Weir's band but I'm not sure. I'm game for anything that involves dancing and listening to good music!

Blech!

2007-11-16T11:33:00.000-05:00

Just when I'm feeling a little better, out of the depression and in a positive frame of mind, some butthead has to come along and kill my buzz. This morning my phone rang. It was the landlady which is not usually a good sign. We have a wonderful, hands off landlady who doesn't bother us with anything unless she has a dire situation. That said, this morning's news was not good. The situation with the management company for the condo has reared it's ugly head again; they sent her a nasty legal letter with regard to our not being leased in properly and now the saga is pushing forward into who knows what territory. I have to round up all of our paperwork ONCE AGAIN and fax it to some nasty lawyer who doesn't really care about anything except billing for as much time as possible (and every peice of paper that crosses his desk means more time billed. I know this because I used to work for a law office). This whole situation is so ridiculous and just proves my theory that too much power given to any one authority will mean that at some point that power will be used to make someone else feel more important. There is really no reason to hassle us to the extent that we are being hassled. We have been at our current residence for a FULL YEAR. During that time, we have paid our rent early or on time every month, have done improvements to the unit and have experienced no difficulties with anyone aside from the drunken chick who lives across the street (who has a problem with anyone who looks at her, apparently). I wish we could just pull up out of here but it will be so difficult. Moving costs a great deal of money and we are going out of state for the holidays, so moving right now would, to say the least, be a difficult and trying ordeal. So, here I am on this sunshiny, cool, glorious day consumed by fear; fear of getting thrown out of here by some douchebag who doesn't know us and doesn't care to know us, fear of having to somehow find a new place to move and pull up our roots once again, fear of the possibly terrible unknown. Of course, being in this fear means that I have completely moved away from faith, but it has been my experience that sometimes we have to go through much awfulness even when our tribulations are happening because the Great Spirit has a better plan for us. I have many many things to do today and I don't feel good-I woke up with a stomach ache that isn't showing any signs of departure. I am not in the mood to resume this ongoing hassle with these self-important losers. I mean, there are 38 units in this development for sale-none of them are selling. Real estate here is very slow, people are in trouble with their mortgages (our neighbors, who we love, had to move out because they could no longer afford to pay their mortgage), foreclosures are imminent for so many people right now. I would think that having someone at least occupying a unit, taking care of it, and keeping the owner in a position of being able to hold onto it would be better than having an empty foreclosure which just sits here uncared for, making the community look crappy. But that's just me.

Back Home

2007-11-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

Okay; I'm getting seriously aggravated with the pictures attached to my posts disappearing. I'm going to have to start using more of my own pictures, I guess. This is a pain because I have little time to upload photographs, but the good news is that I have tons of pictures because I'm a freak with my camera.

On another note, the camping trip was good. I love camp coffee on a cool morning, the stars were amazing. We camped next to a creek; at night the mist rolled across the water and the stars twinkled against a deep velvety backdrop of night sky. I'd forgotten how many stars there are in the night sky, which is a sad statement about how much light pollution has robbed those of us living in cities from the glorious hobby of lying on the ground and just dreaming at the sky with a friend or loved one (or both). N and I took a boat ride down Fisheating Creek on Sunday and it was serenely beautiful. We did meet up with an alligator, which set my heart to racing as I am not fond of alligators when they are in close proximity. While my rational mind tells me that, as a general rule, alligators are not any more fond of being close to humans as I am to them, the other part of my mind races to those stories about people getting snatched into the water while standing by the side of Florida lakes and ponds. Nasty buggers, those alligators.

We camped with another couple. The husband is someone we already knew and he was cool. He's very into the outdoors, the sort of fellow who can name a bird just by hearing the call. In the middle of the night on Saturday we heard the hoot of an owl (so cool). In the morning when I described the hoot to him he was able to discern that the owl was a Great Horned Owl. I checked his bird field guide, and, sure enough, Great Horned Owl it was! I'm not sure his wife liked us, and that was a bit uncomfortable. My husband and I both have a rather layed back demeanor and tend to get along with most people. His wife, well, I'm not sure about her. She didn't seem to want to engage with us, barely even talking to our daughter. Our daughter is three and extremely cute (other people tell me this, so forgive my apparent gloating) and hardly anyone can resist interacting with her. I suppose if she didn't enjoy our company that was her problem, not ours. We had fun in spite of the unpleasantness of the situation between our camping companions. (There is much more to this situation than I will post here due to the sensitive nature of the subject.) Our neighbor was a rather nice older man, a veteran who visits this campground often. He was camping alone, knew our campmates, and spent lots of time hanging out by the fire with us, beer in hand, lending a happy air to our temporary residence grounds.

Now we're home again. Little One has gymnastics today, so I'm off.

Goin' Campin'!

2007-11-08T18:58:00.000-05:00

I spent a good chunk of the afternoon today in the woods with Little One and it was wonderful. I did a bit of spirit work while I was out there, as I've been in a place of deep melancholy and needed to get out of that. There is nothing like walking in the woods to bring a person back into a better frame of mind. My attitude changes when I'm around lots of trees! We started out on the longer trail first (we were at a nature conserve); I walked it while Little One rode in her carriage. Then we took the shorter trail, along which she walked on her own, picking up colorful leaves (yes, we did find some fall colored ones, even here in Florida!) and sticks, and checking out the various flowers, mushrooms and wildlife. She accidentally touched a bright orange fungus that was growing out of the side of a fallen tree limb and pulled back in shock at it's squishiness-the look on her face was one of shock and amazement. Later in the day we placed the leaves she found between two peices of wax paper and I ironed it to seal them inside. Now we have a wall hanging to commemorate our day! A good day it was.

We are going camping for a few days, leaving tomorrow afternoon. We bought some supplies and such tonight and will pick up more food once we get up there. We are all very excited, as we love camping but don't get to go too often. So many of the months here are too hot to camp out, and Hubby has difficulty getting away from work because he's the boss and always has too much to do to be able to leave town. I hope y'all have a fantastic long weekend. Be safe and well!

Back Again

2007-11-06T22:44:00.000-05:00

I prayed to hear the Song of the World and find that within it I hear a great deal of sadness.

I stumbled upon a blog last night by a man who is deeply unhappy and contemplating suicide. He was sending his thoughts into the blogosphere, maybe just hoping that someone would hear, would listen, would understand. I noticed that no one had responded and so wrote my own message. Drawing on my own struggles with the evil demon of depression, I attempted to help him make sense of what he is feeling, to maybe, in some way, ease his pain a bit by listening. I don't know if any of what I wrote helped him, if he understood that I truly have been in that place of despair which he is now inhabiting, although in a different form of existence, for sure. I can't fully understand his pain because I don't live in his body or in his mind. I don't know if he just thought I was full of b.s. I hope not. I searched for his blog tonight but couldn't locate it again. I was very tired when I came upon it last night and didn't mark the page. I hope that he

is okay tonight. Funny how words on a page can effect us so deeply.

I hear the Song of the World and I join in the Song...

Blahdy Blahdy Blah

2007-11-06T17:07:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, I have been in a melancholy mood for the past three days. I just can't seem to shake it for any duration of time. I can shake it off for a couple of hours, but then it returns again, knocking me into the blue again. I took Little One the Arts Park near our home today. It's an old park in the center of Hollywood that's been renovated to the point that it's almost unrecognizable as the old park. This is a good thing; the park as it was before was okay, but mostly just attracted homeless people and squirrels. I recall having lunch there once when I worked at a nearby office building and fearing for my life (those squirrels can be vicious). Anyway, we had a good time. Bebe played with some other kids there and we had fun on the playground equipment, which is really a sort of functional artwork- mounted discs that spin around, cat tails made out of flexible metal with stands toward the bottoms, a rope tree. The park also offers a sprinkler system that the kids can run around in when it's hot, as well as gorgeous landscaping and a new, quite large fountain. Being there lifted my spirits. I felt great until we had to venture out of the park again, into society. Our trip to the closest grocery store was almost frightening-characters of all description wandering about the isles. Back on the street, things weren't much better. For all of the re-building, painting and sprucing up that's being done to make Hollywood more attractive to potential businesses and residents, so much of the scene is the same. Maybe the mood I'm in is coloring my perception, but I don't think so. Being kind of a freaky, artsy chick, I like kind of freaky, artsy people, but that's not the type of people who are walking around the area, for the most part. I'm not exaggerating when I say that some of the people I saw in the grocery store looked like escaped inmates from some nearby insane asylum- the walking dead and the half crazed. To make matters worse, on my way home while I was stopped at the train tracks some big headed jerkoff started trying to inch by me in his SUV to turn into a local business. Apparently, he thought it was worth hitting my car just to get into the place a second sooner. Aggravated that he couldn't wait the half second until I could move forward and let him go by, I turned around and let him know just how annoyed with him I was. I'm glad he didn't hit my car, but I had to stop myself from pulling into the parking lot and telling him what a fat headed ignoramous I thought he was after I heard him call me an insulting but not very creative name. Sighs upon sighs. I think that after I give Little One a bath and we all eat dinner I should go to bed.

The Past Re-Visited

2007-11-05T16:15:00.000-05:00

Watching old love ones crash and burn is never an easy or pleasant experience. Thus was the case tonight, as I talked with my ex from four years ago and listened as he told me about what has been going on in his life as of late. He'd been with the same girl for quite some time and had a child with her, a very cute little boy. Then, she became pregnant again, which created a situation of much fear and stress, yada yada yada. I don't know the whole story, of course, but now she's gone and he's freaking out and it's become a very volatile situation for him. She's out of the country but he's become a raving lunatic and I'm concerned for his safety and the safety of everyone around him. Of course, it's none of my business these days. I have my own family and my own life and what is happening in his life is not my responsibility or direct concern anymore. Still, I can't help but worry a bit, even if it's in silence. I know people who have broken up with a significant other never to think of them in a kind way again. I could never understand this. I mean, unless the break up involves some really horrible circumstance, how can you stop caring about the person? It isn't really healthy for me to think about my ex's current predicament too much, and I won't dwell on it, but I hope that life turns around for him. It's sad when we don't learn enough from past mistakes not to repeat them. I got a second chance at a family and I'm grateful. Every day I try to work on my own character defects (with varying degrees of success) so that I can be a good partner and a good Mom. It's so important to me to give my all in my family life. I hope that, for me, that will be enough-the willingness to grow and the ability to to the same.

A New Week Ahead

2007-11-04T14:48:00.000-05:00

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http://www.sluv.net/" >Sexy & Romantic glitter graphics from S e x i l u v . c o m

We had a good weekend. Saturday was fairly boring, since Hubby didn't feel good and I was unmotivated to take Little One out by ourselves. Today we went downtown with some friends who also have a small child (he's two). Our friends also were sitting around the house bored to tears with nothing in mind to do and so called us to see if were interested in hanging out, which, of course, we were. We had lunch at a restaurant at nearby Riverwalk in Fort Lauderdale, walked around a bit, and then came back to our house. The weather was GLORIOUS today-breezy and warm with a much lower humidity level from what we've had to endure during the summer months. Could fall finally be here??? The boys went riding while P and I hung out at the little park in our development. It was a fun day; I wish they lived closer to us so we could go out together more often. I did locate a homeschooling group which looks promising. Whether or not we decide to homeschool our daughter, the group might provide a good starting ground for us. She is so inquisitive now and I feel I need some support in providing her with some early education. Also, meeting some other area Moms would be great! I find I Iearn so much through interacting with other parents, and the social aspect of doing so is something I need as well. It's been three years since I've been in an out of the home work environment and some days I crave contact with other adults!